Consequences.

Thanks for being so patient. I apologise for the delay in updating! I'll endeavour to update more quickly from now on. Thanks again to Kodiak for her superb beta skills.

Chapter 4

"Good morning, Colonel. How are you feeling today?" Carson asked as he approached John's bed.

"Mornin', Doc. I'm good - better, I think," John replied sleepily, as he stretched and yawned.

The last forty-eight hours had seen John sleeping much of the time, healing, Carson had said to him, and John had to admit, physically at least, he felt much better. Well, there was hardly any pain, which constituted better to John. The catheter was out, he'd managed to walk, albeit aided, to the bathroom, and had even managed to eat a little soup. One IV remained, but Carson had promised that would be taken out imminently.

"You certainly have a better colour, Colonel. I've sent Melissa to get you some breakfast, just a little cereal I'm afraid, and we'll see how you get on with that. If you keep it down, then I'll see about taking out that IV."

John smiled tiredly at the doctor. He'd been plagued by nausea over the previous few days. Carson had told John it was partly his body recovering from the renal failure, and partly shock, as his brain tried to sieve through his memories and trauma and make sense of everything.

"Okay. Sounds fair." John suddenly found himself in the middle of a giant yawn, and absent-mindedly raised his hand to cover his mouth. "Sorry. Guess I'm still tired," he apologised, shrugging and looking sheepishly at Carson.

"Aye. You'll be feeling that tiredness for a while, Lad." Carson pulled up a chair and sat down. "You're doing really well. As I explained last night, your kidney function is returning to normal, and things are looking good. The enzymes have been metabolised by your body too, which is excellent. However," Carson paused and looked John in the eye. "There are consequences to suffering from renal failure. You don't just get up and walk away. You'll feel exhausted for a week or so, and need to be monitored carefully. Don't worry if some days you feel washed out, that's quite normal, and to be expected."

John exhaled and shook his head reproachfully.

"Way to cheer a guy up, Doc," he muttered to himself.

Carson had the grace to look sympathetic.

"I'm sorry, Colonel. I thought you'd want it straight," he smiled apologetically.

"Yeah, I do. Sorry. Got a few things on my mind, and feeling as weak as a newborn lamb, as you so aptly put it, isn't really my thing, you know?" John explained, as he looked down at his hands, and started picking at the tape holding the IV in place.

Carson gently moved John's hand away from the IV, and raised his eyebrows.

"Don't fuss with that, Colonel, or it stays," he warned light-heartedly.

When John didn't answer, but just stared into his lap, Carson gently squeezed his friend's shoulder.

"Colonel? You all right, Son?"

John suddenly looked up, startled by Carson's words and touch.

"Sorry," John apologised. "I've, er, been thinking about things on and off, and dreaming, and…well, having nightmares probably describes it better… " John exhaled and looked up. "It's just been sort of weird for me. Getting sick, and…you know…everything with the Wraith and all." John lifted a shaky hand to massage his temples. "Guess I need some time to sort everything out in my head."

"You know what I'm going to say, Colonel. Give yourself that time. Don't expect too much from yourself too quickly. You'll be speaking to Kate soon enough." Carson gave John one of his whether you like it or not looks. "Don't bother arguing about it, because I won't let you out of here until you do." Carson's face softened, and he reached out to pat John's arm. "She'll help you get things sorted out, Lad. Get things in perspective."

Melissa arriving with a tray interrupted Carson. "Try and eat something. I'll be back later to give you a thorough going over."

"'Kay," John replied. "Doc? Thanks for everything, and I will talk to Kate."

Carson's face broke into a broad smile.

"Good Lad. Eat up now."

John watched Carson walk away, and looked down at the steaming bowl of sloppy oatmeal. He grimaced as he picked up the spoon and dipped it into the grey looking gloop. Gulping, John put the spoon to his lips, and forced himself to open his mouth. He swallowed convulsively and felt himself gagging slightly as the mixture ran down the back of his throat.

Knowing eating was a must if he were to stand a chance of escaping Carson's clutches any time soon, John forced himself to finish the cereal, and sipped on the juice from his tray. He vaguely remembered that Kolya hadn't given him food or water for the duration of his incarceration.

Kolya. John never wanted to think about that bastard again. What he'd done to John was inhumane, and for the life of him, John couldn't understand that. Sure, he'd done a lot of things he wasn't proud of himself over the years. He'd killed without hesitation on occasion. That's what soldiers did. But, to torture just so you could have more power? God, there were evil bastards in the Pegasus Galaxy. Obviously a universal constant; have humans, have meglomaniacal creeps who'll screw over anyone to get what they want. John suddenly felt his stomach clench as the realisation of what had happened sunk in. Memories flooded back into his confused and over-loaded brain. Kolya's stern face, the wraith's hunger and need, his own helplessness…everybody he cared about watching as he had years torn away from him

Kolya had tortured him in front of his team. In front of Elizabeth, Rodney, Ronon, Teyla and…half of the control room, no doubt. Feeling more and more nauseous as the ramifications of Kolya's little video feed to Atlantis hit home, John looked around desperately for help. He needed to get out of this place, get away from the wraith…save himself. John knew his team would come, but would it be in time to save him from a fate worse than death? To be left an old, impotent soldier was worse than dying to John.

A nurse approaching saw John's mad scramble out of his bed, as he desperately clambered out of his sheets, ripping the IV in his hand in his panic. As she rushed towards him, calling John's name, he came back to reality, and swallowed as a wave of nausea overtook him. Grabbing a basin on her way, the nurse ran towards John, as he sunk to his knees on the floor, dizziness overwhelming him. She stuck the basin under John's chin just as the oatmeal made its way up his oesophagus, and left his mouth.

After what seemed like an eternity of heaving, John found himself being gently lifted up and guided back to his bed, and being pushed down onto soft pillows, with Carson's soothing voice comforting him. When had Carson arrived? John wondered in his confused and exhausted state.

"That's it, Colonel. Let's lay you back down for a bit. I'm just going to give you something for your nausea, and something to settle you."

John heard Carson's words, and was aware of a cool liquid travelling up his arm. He soon found himself drifting in a hazy fog.

"This'll make you feel a bit sleepy, so just close your eyes, and rest, Son."

John heard Carson's voice and mumbled to himself.

"What was that, Lad?"

"I said, why did he do that to me? He didn't have to humiliate me like that…don't know why…"

John's muffled words ceased as he gave into sleep.

"I'm so sorry, Colonel," Carson whispered as he began to examine John and take the unconscious man's vitals.

When he'd finished his examination, Carson watched as his nurse Melissa cleaned John up, gently wiping his face with a cloth and finally adjusting his sheet and blankets with special care. The nurse's gaze lingered on her patient, and Melissa sighed.

"It's just not fair. He didn't deserve what was done to him. When I think what the colonel must have gone through…"

Carson nodded sympathetically, and put his arm around his distressed nurse.

"Aye, I know, love. Kolya wouldn't be sneering now if I got my hands on him, that's for sure. Let's get you some coffee. We need to try and be strong for him, and not let our feelings show. I know it's hard, but he's going to need us over the next few days."

Melissa wiped furiously at a tear that was dribbling its way down her cheek.

"I know, Doctor Beckett. I'd never let him see me upset. I'm sorry," she answered quickly, embarrassed at her emotional display.

"I know, lass. Don't worry about it, it's perfectly understandable. This is hard on all of us. Come on, let's get that coffee now. I don't know about you, but I really need it."

-oOo-

John felt the searing agony in his chest, more painful than anything he'd ever felt before in his life, and he was hardly a stranger to pain. The Iratus bug and his conversion into bug man after the retrovirus fiasco had made sure of that. The tendrils of fire spread through his body, stealing his breath away. Throughout the feeding, John saw the Wraith's hungry eyes, heard his feral growl, and sensed the creature's delight at his appetite being sated.

As the pain intensified, John tried to move, but found himself paralysed; something was holding him down, restricting his limbs.

"Colonel, Colonel! Listen to me, it's all right. You're safe. It's just a dream."

The voice washed over John, and he suddenly became aware of his surroundings as he opened his eyes with a start, jerking helplessly as he was restrained by – Beckett and a nurse, John noted distantly.

"Just try and breathe slowly, Lad. It was just a dream. You're in Atlantis, in the infirmary, and you're fine."

Carson's voice soothed John, and he found himself able to slow his breaths and relax, as his limbs were released from the weight of Carson and Melissa's hands.

"God. Sorry, Doc," John panted, swiping at his forehead as beads of sweat joined together and started forming droplets which ran into his eyes.

"That's ok, Colonel, and quite normal after what you've experienced. So, no need to apologise." Carson sighed and handed John a glass of water. "It's going to take your head a little while to process what's happened to you and for you to come to terms with recent events, I'm afraid. Do you want to talk about your dream?"

John swallowed and looked nervously at the doctor, and returned the now half-empty glass to Carson with a shaking hand. John watched his hand, and quickly withdrew it; returning it to his lap, and noting that the previous IV had now moved to the crook of his inner arm.

"Not really. I…I just keep re-living him feeding on me, and the pain…I feel the pain as if it's happening all over again." John closed his eyes shut tight, as he desperately fought to control himself.

Carson exhaled, and waved his nurse away, sitting down on the ever present bedside chair.

"That's to be expected, Colonel. You've experienced both physical and mental torture, and though your body, thankfully, was restored by the wraith, it couldn't cope with what he'd done to you." Carson smiled grimly at John. "Your brain couldn't either, and not surprisingly enough, it's trying to cope the only way it knows how – by processing what it experienced by way of dreaming."

John nodded feebly and chewed on his bottom lip.

"Thing is, Doc, I can live with the pain…I…I can tolerate what the wraith did to me, hell, I even understand what he did. Kolya? I hate him – with a vengeance - but…but," John paused as he found his earlier nausea returning. "I can't live with everyone watching what Kolya did to me. He…he tortured me in front of a room full of my friends, colleagues and my men. I was - helpless, vulnerable and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it."

John squeezed his eyes shut again, and groaned as his stomach started to cramp. Rolling onto his side, he curled in a tight ball as he felt sweat forming on his back and head. John found himself panting desperately to try and quell his rising nausea. God, he was acting like a frightened kid. He really needed to get control of himself, stop giving in to his stupid memories, John desperately thought.

John's body wasn't willing to give in though, and suddenly he bolted upright, hand over mouth as the water he'd just drunk spewed out of his mouth violently.

Carson reached for an emesis basin and thrust it under John's chin, simultaneously supporting John and murmuring sympathetically until the heaving subsided, and John felt himself being lowered gently onto his back.

John felt spent, dazed and sore – and even more humiliated than before. He distantly heard Carson call for Melissa, and shivered as his gown was removed and he was sponged down, before a fresh, crisp one was gently put on him. He was aware of his bedding being removed and fresh sheets and warm blankets being swiftly put over him. John wondered if he could really feel any lower that he was currently feeling. He'd survived multiple wraith feedings, just to be puking in the infirmary like a rookie soldier, who'd made his first kill. Why couldn't he get past this? What was so bad about everyone seeing what Kolya did to him? John already knew the answer to that. Kolya had taken away the one thing John always relied on – his control. Kolya had taken that away knowing what it would do to John. Not personal? Yeah, right. John made a vow that when he got through this, he'd make Kolya pay a heavy price for his actions. When he got through this? John suddenly thought again. If, was a better word.

John realised he was in this way over his head, losing his precious control, having it taken away like that, and he was scared where that would lead. John felt himself shiver again, this time it had nothing to do with the cold, and then he welcomed the darkness that crept up and enveloped him.

-oOo-

"Carson? You wanted to see me? Is something wrong with John?"

An anxious Elizabeth Weir walked determinedly into Carson's office.

"Come and sit down, Elizabeth," Carson ordered gently. "Firstly, physically, Colonel Sheppard is doing as well as can be expected. He's recovering slowly but surely from the renal failure and strain his body has been under."

"But?" Elizabeth laughed sadly, while nervously rubbing her thighs. "There's always a but, isn't there?" she asked.

Carson grimaced, and exhaled.

"The colonel is understandably showing signs of mental trauma following his capture and torture. He keeps 're-living', for want of a better description, the wraith's feedings on him, and I'm concerned he's starting to show some signs of PTSD, making him physically sicker again, which is the last thing he needs."

Elizabeth nodded, resigned to the fact that that was a possibility after talking to Kate Heightmeyer.

"Okay, that's not entirely unexpected. How bad is he?"

Carson's eyebrows furrowed in thought as he considered Elizabeth's question.

"At this stage it's impossible to say. Colonel Sheppard internalises everything, so it's hard to know what's going on in his head. If we can get him to talk to Kate about his feelings, and experiences, then maybe we can stop this in its tracks…"

Carson paused and wearily massaged the back of his neck.

"But…" Elizabeth continued for the doctor. "Knowing John, he'll talk, but not really say what's bothering him so much."

"In all fairness to Colonel Sheppard, he did explain something of what's he's having difficulty coming to terms with – not that anyone would be bloody well able to come to terms with what that bastard Kolya did to him." Carson paused as he composed himself, pushing his anger aside. "He's finding it hard to cope with the fact that everyone witnessed his torture; his vulnerability, the humiliation he felt at being used like that – just as we thought he would. Unfortunately that's pretty hard to come to terms with – especially for such an independent and proud person as the colonel." Carson paused and chewed his lip, dreading what he had to say next. "Elizabeth – I'm pretty worried for him, and just hope Kate can come up with some ideas as to how to help him with this. If he continues to suffer his present symptoms we'll have to re-consider our position here. Quite honestly we're a little out of our depth, and we may well have to consider sending him back to Earth."

Elizabeth started at Carson's words.

"No. He'd want to stay here… be treated in Atlantis," Elizabeth replied instantly.

"I know. However, if he continues to deteriorate, I'll have no choice but to insist he receive the treatment he deserves on Earth. Quite simply, he could become a danger to himself, and I simply don't have the resources here to help him."

Elizabeth closed her eyes, and let out a breath of air.

"Let's just hope Kate can help him, then," she answered with a steely resolve, as she stood and walked briskly away.

Tbc.