Chapter 10

The commissary was decidedly busy when Feretti entered at lunchtime. He paused for a moment, scanning the room but couldn't see any sign of Jackson. Glancing at his watch, he noticed he was a little late, so made his way across to the food to study the selection.

"Now is that an art or a science?"

"What?" Feretti straightened and turned around to find his second-in-command, behind him looking amused.

"Deciding what to eat" Eckford grinned. "It looks very serious"

"Executive decision. Pie or clubhouse?"

"Pie is good"

"Clubhouse it is, then"

"Don't trust me, sir?"

"Everywhere except in the commissary, Captain" Feretti replied blandly. Eckford chuckled. "Something on your mind, Eckford?"

"Well, now that you mention it, yes sir. Any word on how SG-1's doing?"

"No word yet. We're still on stand-by"

"Yes, sir. If you're eating now, you're welcome to join us. The betting pool on whether SG-1 gets themselves into trouble has doubled"

Feretti smiled wryly. "Maybe some other time" he frowned slightly. "You haven't seen Daniel in here today have you?"

Eckford looked startled. "No, sir. Haven't seen him all day. But then, that's nothing new"

"Meaning what?"

"Since coming back, sir. He's been avoiding company. Almost no-one's seen him, except for the Doc, and that's only because she has to drag him into the infirmary for check-ups"

"Remember he's not himself right now, Captain"

"Yes, sir"

Feretti glanced at his watch again then considered the reaction to Jackson's appearance in the archaeology labs the day before. Was it possible Jackson was too afraid of other people to go for lunch? "I'll catch you later, Eckford" he said absently and walked out of the commissary again.

He considered his options for a moment, then decided to try Jackson's quarters first. It didn't take him long to get there, and he could see a light shining underneath the door before he arrived. He wasn't entirely certain whether to be surprised or not when no one answered his knocking. He knocked once more and waited, then gently gave the door a push and peeked in.

The first thing Feretti noticed were the books scattered on the bed. The second thing he noticed were the two photographs lying on top of the one book. He recognised the photograph of Sha're immediately but the man and the woman were unfamiliar to him. Given the outdated style of their clothing and the features that seemed oddly familiar, he considered it a safe bet to assume they were Jackson's parents.

Jackson himself was sat at the desk, feet propped up on the trunk by the wall, reading intently. He appeared so absorbed in whatever it was he was doing that he actually jumped when Feretti cleared his throat.

"Um, hi" he said in surprise.

"Hey" Feretti studied him thoughtfully, noticing the circles underneath the eyes. "Rough night?"

"Something like that" a peculiar smile flitted across Jackson's lips briefly before it vanished again. "Oh!" he glanced at his watch. "I'm late" he rose quickly and put the book down, a little reluctantly, Feretti thought.

"No problem" he stepped back out of the room, and waited for Jackson to follow him. They were silent for most of the journey to the commissary. The Major noticed that Jackson seemed to be unfocused, as if in his own little world.

"So, um, what was all that?"

Jackson smiled tightly. "Diaries. Of my childhood."

"Figures" Feretti chuckled.

"What?"

"That'd you'd keep diaries of your life" he looked at Jackson. "So, does reading them help?"

"They did this morning"

Feretti came to a stop and turned to face him, searching his face intently. "Your memory?"

Jackson shook his head but he was smiling nevertheless. "I can remember my childhood," he admitted, moving into the commissary.

"You can? Well, that's great!" Feretti joined him and pulled out the clubhouse he had been eyeing hungrily earlier. With amusement, he noticed that Jackson almost automatically reached for the pie and homed in on the only empty table left in the commissary. Feretti noticed the stares and whispers but this time, it appeared as if Jackson either didn't notice or, hopefully, didn't care. "Anything else?"

Jackson shook his head. "A few. More recent" a shadow of something flitted across his features, an emotion that was almost bittersweet. "But mostly just old memories. Doctor Fraiser said the old ones would probably come back first"

"What happened? I mean yesterday..."

"Yeah." Jackson was suddenly concentrating on his food, some of the excitement gone from his tone again.

"Forget I said it" Feretti said immediately, realising something was bothering the archaeologist after all.

"It's okay" he took a deep breath. "I've had this shadow. In my mind. Like a... a..." he paused, searching for the words. "Monster, I keep calling it. It sounds stupid I know, but I was afraid to go there, try and remember. I just knew there was something horrible hiding there" he glanced up nervously and found Feretti staring at him in surprise. He swallowed. "Anyway, last night, I started having nightmares. I got to see that monster, teeth, bad breath and everything"

"What was it?" Feretti breathed.

"Bad memories" Jackson shrugged lightly, although his face looked strained. "My parents deaths, Sha're's death. It was like I was going through it all for the first time."

"Oh God" Feretti suddenly understood the bittersweet expression that had been flitting across Jackson's features ever since they had left his quarters.

Jackson tried to smile but it was more of a grimace. "It's old pain. It was just... a shock remembering it like that"

"I'll bet. Are you okay?"

"Fine"

Feretti knew that tone. He had heard Jackson use it on O'Neill many times in the past. It was that tone that said 'I'm not really, but I'm touched you asked and I know I'll be okay eventually'.

Jackson took another deep breath. "On the bright side, I think that's the worst of it. I can't imagine I've got anything worse up here than the knowledge I couldn't save the lives of my parents or wife" it almost ended in a question.

Feretti smiled wryly. "I don't know you as well as the Colonel does, but I think you're right there. I can't think of anything right now that would be worse than what you've just said"

Jackson relaxed slightly. "Good" his relief was obvious.

"No more nightmares, huh?"

"Well, I wouldn't know about that, but at least I can enjoy this pie now"

Feretti almost choked into his drink at that and a few people glanced over at their table, as the Major spluttered and regained his breath. "Don't, whatever you do, pull an Urgo on us" Feretti managed when he could finally speak.

"Urgo?"

"Right" Feretti began to grin. "I can't wait to see your face when you remember that one"

Jackson was looking at him, eyebrows raised in a mixture of exasperation and amusement. "What happened?"

"Oh no. You can remember that one all by yourself" Feretti laughed, then changed the subject as he saw a hint of familiar stubbornness appearing in Jackson's eyes. "Are you interested in finishing with those reports today, or are you going to stick with the diaries?"

Jackson looked thoughtful for a moment. "I think I'll finish looking through that trunk Janet gave me. I think it's more important right now"

Feretti was silent for a moment. He had noticed the archaeologist's use of the CMO's first name, something that hailed back to the days before his Ascension. Jackson didn't seem to notice, however, so the Major wasn't sure if the slip had been instinctive or a sign the archaeologist was finally beginning to settle back into the SGC. "Yeah. It probably is" he agreed soberly.

They ate in silence for the rest of the meal and didn't speak again until they parted ways at the commissary entrance.

"Good luck, Daniel. With the diaries, I mean"

Jackson felt a nervous flutter in his stomach at that comment. Isn't the worst over? Do I still need luck to get through the rest of this? He swallowed and nodded. "Thanks."

No harm taking it. Just in case.