Special Chapter: Too Much of a Good Thing

A/N: Well, hello there again. I see most of you are probably angry for my extended (extended, extended, extended, EXTENDED) hiatus, due to the number of bricks sent smashing through my window. So, I figured some of you may be mad. . .Or maybe, JUST MAYBE. . .HAVE READ TOO MANY FANFICS WITH PLOT! EEGAD! Never fear, I am here again to rescue you! . . .After the disclaimers. FF7 is owned by Square, LadyTifa26 owns Laura, and I own Rachel and Christina. Plus, all the other random characters are owned by miscellaneous other authors here on so if you wanna use them, don't ask me. Well, ask me if you want to know who to ask. Eheh. On to the reading.

It was 1:00, and the drone of something oddly familiar and equally annoying rang in Tifa's ear.

"What in God's freaking name. . .?" she grumbled, sitting up from the bed she was occupying that night. Slowly, she trudged her feet down the stairs, where this blue, iridescent light came, following the 8-bit musical score.

Rachel sat like zombie on the couch. ". . . . . . . .Hi," she said, turning and facing Tifa, rather deadpan.
"Rachel, um. . .," Tifa meekly scratched her head, sighing. "Just um. . .WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY ARE YOU DOING UP AT THIS UNGODLY HOUR!"

"Godly it is, Tifa!" Rachel said, energetic, yet her face didn't change. "Godly, for you must behold the glory of-

"GLORY, MY ASS!"

Cloud snored in another room. "Why, yes, yes it is. . ."

"I feel strangely belittled. . .," said Tifa, peering out of the corner of her eye. "Look, it's too late at night to pound you into nothingness. So, let's say you STOP playing FFV and-

"YAHOO WATASHI WA KATTAZE!" Rachel shouted, throwing her arms up in the air. "KISS MY ASS, X-DEATH!"

WHACK!

A very obvious red mark was imprinted on Rachel's face.

Tifa grumbled while she trudged back up the stairs; Rachel still unconscious on the couch. "What I do for sleep. . ."

"Deedle, deedle, dee. . ." Rachel didn't quite know where she was, but it was a vague blackness that she just couldn't quite place. However, wherever it was, it played the same world map theme, which would eventually get on one's nerves after their three-hundredth battle in order to actually gain a level.

"Hey. . .Hey, lady. . .HEYA!"

"OUCH!" Rachel was knocked in the sides before color came back. "What was that for. . .?" she sniffled.

"Well, you seem like the dumb type." Christina's glowing blue eyes blinked back down at her.

"Is it morning, mommy?" Rachel asked.

Christina blinked again, before walking away. "I'm not going to justify that with an answer. . ."

Rachel sat up. ". . .Hot duds."

Christina was dressed like a hunter, in a green tunic and very "Legend of Zelda hat" with a wings, belts running across her hips, white stockings and opera gloves with stopped entirely a her knuckles. "What about them?"

Rachel blinked, and then looked down. ". . .HOT." In return, Rachel was in her white, high collar shirt, but this time had long sleeves and have a scarf with a hood, all with the traditional "white mage" pattern. On her shoulders were square plates of armor, and her boots ran a few inches above her ankles, folded over at the top, but without wings on the sides like Christina's, but had a metal buckle in the front. Immediately, she sprang up. "I'M A FIGHTER, A FIGHTER, A WHITE KNIGHT FIGHTER, FIGHTER, FIGHTER, FIGHTER, FIGHTER, FIGHTERRRR!" she sang, dancing around in a circle.

"Tell me, do you always-

"FIGHTAAAHHHH!" Rachel sang in a screechy voice.

"SHADDUP!"

Rachel sat quietly.

"Goody," said Christina. "Anyway, what's wrong with-

"Fighter," Rachel coughed.

"I should've let the wolves eat you. . .," Christina sniffled. "Anyway, I FOUND you."
"Where?" Rachel asked. "Candy store? I love candy. You know, they're just so sugary, and sweet, and-Oh, they came out with that new kind yesterday, plus, it's SOOO GOO-

"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. . .," Christina sobbed in her arms. "LET ME SPEAK!"
Rachel nodded. "You do it well."

"WAUGH!" Christina screamed, clutching her head, then sighing. "Okay. I FOUND YOU IN THE FOREST. YOU WERE ALONE, AND HERE YOU ARE, IN MY TREE HOUSE."
"Hee hee. You live in a tree house," said Rachel. "What, can't find a realtor, or are you just poor?"

"I'M A GUARDIAN OF THE FOREST!"
"You look like a Link ripoff."

"AND YOU LOOK LIKE A CANDY CANE!"
"Au contraire, SEÑOR," said Rachel, looking very proud of herself. ". . .Candy canes don't have triangles, unless you eat retarded candy canes."

"I DO NOT EAT RETARDED. . .!" Christina was red with irritation, before she gave up. "Never mind, never mind."

"Hah! Me so poo on you. Retarded candy canes are HOT."

Christina was fully burnt out. "I'm gonna die here, aren't I. . .?"

"What are we doing here, captain?" Rachel asked, walking through town with Christina. "OOH! ELIXIR!"
"TOO EXPENSIVE!" Christina slapped Rachel's hand away from the stand piled with goods.

Rachel sniffled. "You're so mean, captain. . .Why are we here if we're poor? Being guardian of the forest doesn't get lotsa money, does it?"

"Actually, boatloads," said Christina. "Monster battles."

"That's a SENTENCE FRAGMENT." Rachel said. "Grammar is sexy."

"Oh, and what's up with YOU?" asked Christina, then speaking in a dumb voice. "HEE HEE! I CAST "RED PEN OF FURY"+5 SEXY!"

"YES," Rachel blinked with whole-hearted agreement. "My class is Grammar Nazi. We have the special power of SEXINESS, Madam Tree Dweller."

Christina was clutching a dagger behind her back. "MUST. . .NOT. . .KILL. . .Until an opportune time."

"Potion-atize me, captain!" Rachel picked up a bottle that said, "Potion! Now with 25 more frog's eyes, and extra Red 40!"

"YOU DON'T WANT THAT. . .," Christina coughed. "TRUST ME. . .Sure, you can have it," she then realized. "DRINK IT ALL!" She seemed very cheery.

"All right, pay the lady!" Laura appeared again in her usual dress, but now with a large black mage hat, curved staff, long blue sleeves with belts attached, and a blue cloak trailing behind her. "Oh, hi Rachel. You can have half price."

"My day keeps getting weirder and weirder," said Rachel. "What are you supposed to be?"

"Cute!" said Laura. "Oh, you mean class."

By now, Christina was about to bang her head against the nearest rock.

"Right! I'm a BLACK SORCERESS!" The area grew dark. "WITNESS MY FEARSOME POWER!" The clouds swept closer together, and blotted out the sky. "BEHOLD, FOR I AM-

"Storm!" Rachel, shouted.
Everyone fell over. Yes, even the NPCs.

"What's a 'black sorceress', anyway?" asked Rachel. "I didn't think they had those. . ."

From far away in the town bazaar, a woman sniffed the air, and squinted her eyes with suspicion. "AN EXPLANATION IS NEEDED!" she shouted, before running off.

"Well," said Laura, "names are decided by-

"CLASS AND SPECIAL ABILITY!" The woman ran up and knocked Laura over. "You see, to be more precise in naming, you combine the class with ability. I'm a blue chemist, meaning I have all the abilities of a chemist, but also have the 'learning' ability of a Blue Mage."

"Nice see you, too. I didn't know you wore HIGH HEELS, LUCRECIA." Laura was stepped on like a doormat. "BLEEDING! AHHH!"

"Ooh." Lucrecia stepped off. "Well, in other news, LUCRECIA HAS JOINED YOUR PARTY!"
"Yay!" shouted Rachel. "Three is better than two and a half!"
"Half. . .," asked Laura. ". . . .I AM NOT SHORT!"
"NYAHAHAHA!" Rachel ran off dodging all the spells Laura threw at her in a chase.

"Aw, isn't that fun?" asked Lucrecia, watching them run throughout the market.

Christina sighed. "Yeah, sure is mom. . ."

"HAH!" Rachel jumped right over a barrel, as soon as it was hit by some Bolt2.

"COME BACK HERE!" Laura was busy throwing whatever spell she could think of.

"YOUR STUBBY LEGS JUST CAN'T CATCH-WAAH!" The cart she was just dodging was sucked into another dimension. "NO X-ZONE SPELLS! OW!" Promptly, she was knocked over, after running into someone. "Sorry, lady. . .EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" At that moment, she knew fear, as the core of her being subsequently froze.

"Slacker." Tifa's demeaning voice was all too familiar. "How are you gonna pay for all that damage?"

Rachel, however, was too busy crying and praying for her soul.

"STOPPIT!"

Suddenly, Rachel stood up and saluted. "YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND, MIGHTY COMMANDER!"
". . .Riiiight. . .Okay, but first you might wanna. . ." Tifa pointed behind her, to a mob of angry shopkeepers.

"Oh, right," said Rachel. ". . .PRESS THE L1 AND R1 BUTTONS TO RUN!"
"NOOO!"

"HEY, YOU GOTTA PAY FOR ALL THOSE!" shouted a burly man, who apparently ran a fruit stand. Behind him was a mob of bakers, butchers, and otherwise general smiths and merchants. "PAY UP, OR WE'LL-GYAAAAHHH!"
"YEEEEK!" Rachel was frightened by the suddenly bolt of lightning to strike the crowd and render them paralyzed. "M-mommy. . .? Tifa. . .?"

"No, and ew," said Tifa. "Good job, Laura."

"MAGIC IS FUN!" shouted Laura.
"No it's not! NO IT'S NOT!" Rachel sobbed. "Warriors are better. . ."

Unbeknownst to her, a baker stood up behind her, held the rolling pin high in the air and. . .A dimensional wormhole opened in thin air and sucked him to the X-ZONE!

"BAKERS IN SPAAAAAACE!" Laura shouted in a Twilight Zone manner. "You gotta wonder what happens to them, you know?"

Lucrecia appeared for another explanation. "Well, their bodies would actually-

"NO!" shouted Rachel, covering her ears. "I know what happens. . .that poor man of wheat. . .Anyway, what are you doing in the land of Nod, Tifa?"

"Land of Nod. . .?" Tifa muttered to herself. "Uh-huh. Well, I suppose the same thing you're doing here."

"Buying overpriced goods?" asked Rachel. "I swear, the market for gil is getting weak these days. . ."

"No, what we're really doing here is to find someone who'll take her," said Christina. "I mean, we all know Rachel is. . .stupid."

Everyone nodded.

"THE LAND OF NOD!" Rachel sniffled.
Then, they fell over. "ENOUGH WITH BIBLICAL REFERENCES!"

"I'm a catholic schoolgirl, I can't help it. . .," Rachel whimpered.

"Someone say, SCHOOLGIRL!" Cloud's head suddenly rested on Tifa's shoulder. "Hey there, monk of my dreams. . ."

". . .Hah. Tifa's a MONK," said Rachel. "Sounds funny."

And indeed, Tifa stood in a loose Chinese dress, hair pinned back, but still as serious as ever. "He's a knight, too."

"'Cause knights are sexy," he said. Then, he looked at Rachel. ". . .Well, most of us are, anyway."

"HEYYY!"

Laura opened up another wormhole.

"STOP THAT!"
But now, she stepped in it.

". . . .Whaaaaat?" they asked. "Who in their right mind would-

And another appeared right beside a Red Mage. "SEXY VAMPIRE LOVE MUFFIN!"

"AHHHHH!" Laura, hopping out of the tear in time and space had then attached herself to a familiar face. "Laura, if you want to hug me, please do so in the same dimension. . ."

"I wish Cloud would tear through MY dimensional hole," Rachel sighed.

". . ." Everyone moved three feet farther away. "Ew?"

"Lookie!" Aeris, as a white mage, bounded up next to Cloud, holding a flower, smiling. "I found a florist!"
"Should I clap for her. . .?" whispered Rachel.

Everyone else just glared with scorn.

"WHAT!"

Laura ran back up with Vincent. "VINCENT JOINS OUR PARTY! . . .With Cloud and Aeris."

"Why is that such a small announcement. . .?" she sniffled.

"Because I'm not sexually attracted to you."

". . ." Aeris backed away.

"BUT I SAID I WASN'T!"

"Doesn't matter," said Rachel, backing up with the rest of the girls.

Lucrecia didn't move.

". . .Should we be alarmed?" asked Tifa.

"About what? Huh?" asked Lucrecia. "Sorry, my mind was in the X-zone."

"I'm gonna kill whoever's making these jokes. . .," Tifa grumbled.

"I DEMAND A SPLIT!" Rachel shouted. "Somebody has to go. We can only have four people in our party."

"THAT DOESN'T APPLY HERE!"

"Does the valiant journey of courage and strength apply?" Rachel asked. "I always wanted to go on a valiant journey of courage and strength."

"The last time somebody attempted one of those died," said Christina. "Well, that happens sometimes, doesn't it?"

"I don't want that to happen. . .," Laura sniffled. ". . .Besides, can't we just send the bad guy to the X-

"ENOUGH WITH THE X-ZONE, OTHER DIMENSION, AND WORMHOLES! . . .Besides, it doesn't work with some bosses," said Tifa. "We have to defeat it using traditional methods."

"Well, that sucks," says Rachel. "Oh well, I guess the world is doomed to suffer and decay! See ya'! AHHH!" She was dragged back by Tifa's grip.

"Don't worry," said Tifa. "Nobody's forcing you to go and kill X-

"ENOUGH WITH THE-

"NO!" shouted Tifa. ". . .I have something ELSE to say."

"Ohhh. . ."

". . .X-Death," she finished. "Right. As far as I'm concerned, we don't have to be the ones to do it."

A guardsman started running up to them. "HUNTER! HUNTER!"
"Oh, I love that anime series," said Rachel. "OW!" She received another whack from Tifa.

"Hmm?" Christina turned around.

"Hot name, Christina. Hunter?" asked Rachel.

"It's my CLASS," said Christina. "AND I'M THE GUARDIAN OF THE FOREST!"

"Link ripoff. With WINGS."

"SHUT UP!"

"Hunter. . .," the NPC guardsman said. "The forest has been breached!"
"Sounds hot," said Rachel.

"Pervert. . .," Laura muttered.

"Wouldn't he need the Elder Branch to enter?" asked Christina.

"Seems not," replied the guardsman. "Word is, there's something he's looking for there. . ."

"Saving-word-type-mission-time?" Rachel chimed, eager.

Christina leered, as Rachel always seemed to appear as a six year-old. "Um. . .No."

"PWEASE!" Rachel broke out the puppy-dog eyes. "BARK BARK!"
"What?"

"ADVENTURE-ATIZE ME, CAP'N!"

GLOMP!
"GAAAAAH! FINE, DAMMIT!"

Me: Hiya.

Everyone: . . .You're such a 'tard. So. . .Was that it?

Me: Well, until next chapter. It doesn't take too long if I update like this.

Everyone: And if it took you 3 days to finish the 87 season finale, this one must be larger than a Stephen King novel.

Me: Well. . .I was just lazy. The whole summer. BUT NOW, I'M BACK!

Tifa: Is that really a good thing?

Me: . . .Yes.

Tifa: . . . .Uh-huh.

Me: Mm-hmm. I have a bunch of updates, projects. . .Did you know I was the most popular Tifa at Otakon?

Everyone: . . . . . . . . . . . .Wha?

Me: Yeah, my friend wasn't even with me the whole time, and whenever we were stopped for a picture, she counted how many people took pictures. . .And it totaled to 103. . .or 130. . .And wasn't with me the whole time. And yes, it WAS literally impossible to move from one room to another without stopping for a picture.

Tifa: Why do you think that was?

Me: Well. . .You're some sort of sex icon, so I was you, half-naked, in a skirt so short I flashed myself when I had to tie my shoes. So, I actually had someone else do that for me. Sexy steel-toed boots, though. One problem though. . .I need someone to beat off people from hitting on me.

Everyone: . . . .WHA?

Me: Well, I WAS TIFA. And you know, it was funny. . .This one guy at Otakon had this stereo with all FF7 music, and I remembered him from last year and I decided to talk to him this year, and his friend asked for a hug. . .So, we hugged and he says, "HIT IT!" and the guy with the stereo plays the FF7 victory theme. Afterwards, he says he really only comes to cons for girls like me.

Tifa: Half-naked and panties showing?

Me: Apparently.

Mars:thumbs up:

Me:coughs: Righty. And you know, the year before I went as Hana from Fruits Basket, but being a minor character, only one person noticed me. . .This year, when this little girl who was like, eight or nine with a camcorder and a chaperone found me, I was really excited 'cause she was all, "Tifa! You're my hero!". In fact, I was so excited I did my Victory Dance Moonwalk. And yes, I let her get it on tape, and she really liked it, and thought my cosplay was awesome, and it was cool she was cosplaying, too. . .And that's how I met my first fanboy. He saw the dance, liked it, and handed me the small bottle of milk he got from buying cereal from the café because he didn't want it. Didn't even know what character I was. Just saw the naked.

Steve: . . .

Mars: . . .Hot.

Steve: Say what:cracks knuckles:

Mars:coughs: NOTHING!

Me: Yeah, and so we kept bumping into each other. . .And then he asked, "WHAT COLLEGE DO YOU GO TO!" :filled with irritation:

Sky: I sense we should leave the room.

Mars: NAAAKEDDD!

Steve:leers:

Mars: . . .I'll be nice.

Me: And briefly, the next one to really attempt was in this video room and liked FF too, and asked if I was going to the Hellsing Ultimate screening later, and I said "No", because there was the dance later. . .So I avoided that one. . .But then the next day, another one, who I liked but not like that. . .well. . .he was from Ireland. . .and apparently Rachel is his favorite name, and that I was the only other Roman Catholic he met there. . .But seriously, he was nice.

Everyone: . . .

Me: NOT NICE LIKE THAT! Oh well, too bad I couldn't go drinking with him. I liked his accent.

Tifa: Drinking plus a likeable accent lead to one thing. . .At least in movies.

Everyone: SECKS!

Me: GOD NO! . . .Please, don't spell it like that.

Everyone:FALLS OVER:

Me: Oh well, I'll include more news in the next chapter segment. Yeah, we're getting somewhere, and I'm slowly getting back into it. . .It's been a while. . .I'm very rusty. . .Be patient. . .And no, that doesn't mean I'm abandoning you guys again. REALLY. Give me time, caffeine, and some crazy music. And who knows, maybe I'll post some of the AE comic on deviantart. . .:coughcrazinesscough: All right, see you next time!