Disclaimer: The Elric brothers belong to Hiromu Arakawa etc., as does the Hagaren-verse. If I were writing this for profit, trust me, it would be better written.

Notes: Kyaru-chan prompted me with 'date doctor', and as the fic progressed I found it just didn't fit with any of the prompts from the LJ community. So 'writer's choice' it is. Not quite happy with this one, but I'm sick of dealing with it by now. That being said, I'm sure there's an Edward Scissorhands joke in here somewhere… :P

A Tale of Questionable Intent

Ed tipped back onto two legs of his chair, feet resting on the table in front of him, a heavy volume propped open on his knees. The library was quiet this near to closing time, so his usually indivertible attention was grabbed quickly when a voice spoke behind him.

"Brother, I need a girlfriend."

The announcement was followed by a yelp and a crash, and Edward Elric found himself on his back, staring up at Al's concerned face. "Wh-what?" he stammered, bewildered.

Al ignored his question in favor of fussing over him.

"Really, Brother, I've told you not to lean your chair back like that! I hope you didn't hit your head; one of these days you're going to crack it open on the floor-"

Ed rolled his eyes, beginning to recover. "Yeah, yeah, can you give me a hand?"

Al reached out and pulled his brother to his feet. Their eyes locked, lips tugging into a secret smile that they couldn't help sharing every time skin met skin.

"Now," Ed began as Al drew away. "What were you saying? I think I misheard."

Despite the flush that rose in his cheeks, Al's voice was determined as he repeated, "I need to get a girlfriend!"

Ed lifted an eyebrow, his expression clearly disbelieving. "That's what I thought you said," he sighed. "Aren't you…ah…a little young to be thinking about that sort of thing?"

"Brother! I'm fifteen! Winry started talking about boys when she was eight!"

Ed crossed his arms and leaned back against the edge of the table. "Winry also started playing with nuts and bolts before she was toilet trained, Al. She's not the best standard of normal behavior."

"But what about you?" Al asked, refusing to give up. "I'm only a year younger than you and I know that you think about girls…you know…that way."

"I do not," Ed huffed indignantly with an exaggerated frown. He watched Alphonse coyly play with the ends of his hair, trying to distract himself from the heat rising in his cheeks.

"But you and Winry-"

"Al!"

Ed watched his brother's face fall and immediately regretted snapping at him.

"I just…I thought, since I have my body back… I've wanted so many things that I couldn't have, and now…" Al exhaled softly, shoulders slumping, gaze dropping to the floor. "You know I got really lonely, Brother."

Ed's eyes softened. "I know. Hey, where's that smile I wanted to see so badly?" Al looked up at him, brow furrowing when he noticed Ed's confident smirk. "I'll help you get a girl!"

A slow grin spread across Al's face as his older brother watched, fascinated. It was all the payment Ed would ever need.

---

Alphonse lay on his stomach, face pressed into the military-issued pillow that lay at the head of his military-issued bunk in Ed's military-issued dorm. He restlessly kicked aside the military-issued sheets and flipped over onto his back, military-issued pajamas riding up his stomach as he stuck his arms behind his head. After a minute of blinking at the ceiling, Al shifted onto his side to stare across the few feet separating his bed from his brother's.

"What do you think they want?"

Ed's muffled reply issued from beneath a lump of military-issued covers. "Al…what? Can't this wait until t'morrow?"

"But I can't sleep…"

The covers shook as Ed released a loud snort. "O'course y'can. Y've got five years t'make upf'r."

Al could tell by the slurring in Ed's speech that he wouldn't remain conscious for long. "I'm serious!" he protested, trying to grab his brother's attention. "You promised to help me!"

A pair of bleary gold eyes peered out from Ed's cover-nest. "With what?"

"Girls!" Al answered, voice cracking. He mentally cursed the fact that he couldn't even talk about the opposite sex without blushing. Ed groaned and closed his eyes as Al continued speaking. "I need to make a good first impression, right? So I have to know what girls are looking for."

The furrow that appeared between Ed's eyebrows was the only sign of his offense. "How do you expect me know? Last time I checked, I didn't have the right parts to be a girl. Go ask one of them if you're so curious."

Al sat up and stared at his brother incredulously. "I couldn't!" he exclaimed, scandalized. "I, I mean, that would be so…so…"

"Al."

"…so- What?"

Ed sighed heavily. "You're fine the way you are. Now go to sleep."

"But what if-"

"Any girl would be happy to have you. Now go to sleep."

"I think that's a little-"

"And if she's not I'll kick her ass. Now go to sleep."

"Brother…" Al said suspiciously, crossing his arms. "You're only telling me all this to get out of giving advice, aren't you?"

Ed opened his eyes again just enough to pull off a spectacular glare. "What do you expect me to say? 'Oh Al, I know exactly what you need to do to score points with the ladies. First you have to cut your hair, then you should-'"

"Do you really think so?" Al interrupted, plucking at the blond strands that fell over his shoulders and frowning slightly. "I kind of like it long…"

"Argh! I was joking!"

Al remained silent for a moment, running his hair through his fingers as he pondered the idea of cutting it. The only image that he could dredge up was that of his ten-year-old self, just before he'd lost his body. Then, abruptly, a thought struck him. "Actually, Brother, you might be right. The colonel has short hair, and he's dated loads of women."

Apparently abandoning sleep for the night, Ed sat up, arms draped over his bent knees as he shot Al a very strange look. "He's also a total bastard. Are you going to start acting like a total bastard, Al?"

"What? Of course not! Why would I- What's so funny?" Al asked, noticing that his brother had started to laugh loudly.

"Imagine," Ed managed between gasps, "you trying to act like Colonel Shit! Ooo, I can see it now: Alphonse Elric, the new ladder-climbing ladies' man. Look out, Mustang, you've got competi-"

Ed was interrupted by Al's military-issued pillow firmly connecting with his face. He returned it without much force, staring at his younger brother appraisingly. "Hm, I take that back. Maybe you could handle it."

Al lay down again and turned to face the wall. "If you're just going to make fun of me," he said, trying to keep the sulkiness out of his voice, "you might as well go back to sleep."

"Aw, c'mon, Al," Ed chided. "Don't be like that. I didn't mean it."

Al pouted and traced the cracks in the plaster with one neatly trimmed nail.

"Hey," Ed continued hopefully. "I'll cut your hair for you right now, okay? What d'you think of that?"

Before Al could respond, he was being dragged up onto his feet. The older boy's eyes shone in eagerness as he glanced around their bedroom. "Scissors, scissors…Al, do we have any scissors?" Al could only shake his head numbly, still trying to recover from the force of his brother's sudden enthusiasm.

"Aha!" Ed exclaimed, and pulled Al through the door. He shut it behind them, then clapped his hands together in preparation. One flash of light later, the doorknob had disappeared and Ed was holding a small pair of brass scissors in his hand. He snipped them experimentally in the air before grinning and grabbing hold of Al's wrist once more.

"To the bathroom!" he cried, dragging Al down the hallway.

"Brother!" Alphonse hissed in reproach. "People are sleeping, you have to be quiet!"

"To hell with quiet, the walls are thick!"

Al's eyes closed as his face scrunched up in sympathy for the other boarders who would be waking up exhausted. They may have been used to Fullmetal's…eccentricities by now, but that didn't mean they were immune. Al's eyelids flew back upwards just in time to save him from a broken nose as he tripped over his own feet. He was about to plead with Ed to slow down, but before he got a word out, he'd run straight into the older boy's back.

"We're here!" Ed exclaimed, but his face shifted from excited to confused to worried in a span of seconds as he noticed that Alphonse was no longer standing behind him. "Al, you have to be more careful," he scolded his brother, who was now sprawled on the floor. "I keep saying that you've got to go easy on yourself until you're back to full strength but you don't listen. And people call me stubborn!" Ed let out a small self-righteous snort, and Al exasperatedly dropped his head into his hands.

Al was hauled to his feet and brushed off, made to feel like an irresponsible six-year-old in the process, and pulled into the bathroom. He found himself staring into his own golden eyes, reflected in a mirror that hung above one of the sinks. Ed's grinning face hung over his right shoulder, scissors lifted into the air like a harbinger of doom.

"I-I-I'm not entirely sure I want to do this," Al stuttered. "Are you sure it's the right decision?"

Ed rolled his eyes and curled a strand of deep gold around his fingers. "I thought you wanted a date. You said yourself, the girls don't want this."

"Oh, some girls do," Al replied nonchalantly, allowing himself a small smile.

"Uh huh," Ed snorted. "Like who?"

Al watched as his reflection's mouth twisted into a smirk that surprised even himself; he knew that he couldn't have managed such a devilish expression a few years ago, metal face or no. Spinning around to meet his brother's confused eyes, he reached out and pulled Ed's hair over one shoulder. Removed from its braid for the night, it had been hanging down his back, nearly reaching his waist.

Al pointedly stared at the long blonde strands before meeting Ed's gaze once more. "Hmm…" He spoke slowly, holding the older boy's attention. "I was thinking of girls like Winry, Brother." His voice was innocent, but Al's smirk remained and his eyes shone with mischief.

"Winry has nothing to do with this," Ed snapped, frowning. "And I don't-"

"Okay!" Al lifted his hands in an attempt at a placating gesture. "Okay, calm down."

"I'm calm, I'm calm," Ed grumbled. "Now turn around so I can do this." He hefted the scissors once more, and Al cringed but obeyed, resigning himself to his fate.

"Have you ever tried this before?" Al asked, watching nervously as his brother lifted a chunk of hair between two fingers. Ed peered at it for a few seconds before carelessly chopping it off a couple inches from the roots.

"Are you saying you don't trust me?" he shot back accusingly.

Too late to stop it now, Al thought with a sigh. "I never said that…"

"I know you were thinking it, though."

Al watched as the scissors snipped viciously in the mirror and another lock tumbled to the bathroom floor. He tried to speak gently so as not to anger the older boy any further. "It's just…I've heard that you're supposed to get hair wet before cutting it. And how were you planning to clean up this mess once you're finished?"

Ed glanced at the bathroom tiles and shrugged. "I'll transmute something out of it. And don't even think of sticking your head under the faucet! You want your hair to look good when it's dry, right? So I'm cutting it dry. Oh, shit."

Al gave a small yelp, jerking away from his brother's hands. "What did you do?"

Ed rolled his eyes and moved back into position. "Chill out, jeez," he mumbled. "I just cut one piece a bit shorter than the rest. All I have to do is match everything up to that one and you're fine. Stop moving!"

"Sorry," Al sighed, trying to keep from fidgeting in his nervousness. "As long as you can see what you're doing-"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING TOO SHORT TO SEE THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD?"

Al groaned and decided to better acquaint his face with the palm of his hand.

---

Al met his own gaze in the mirror with eyes that were wide with what Ed hoped was delight but, realistically, was far more likely to be horror.

"It's not so bad," he said cautiously as he reached around his little brother's waist to turn on the sink. He stuck a hand under the faucet before trying to smooth down one of the choppier sections of his handiwork. "See, if you do this…"

"You…you…" Al's voice was strangled, and Ed's conscience, survival instincts, and better judgment rallied together to tell him to start running before it was too late.

"Brother, you idiot! You mutilated me!"

…it was too late.

"It's only your hair! It'll grow back!" Ed reasoned frantically while ducking the punch that Al threw at his head.

"Only my hair?" Al cried. "I thought my hair was the all-important key to getting a date!"

"Well, hold on, maybe I can transmute it back!"

Al darted forward and grabbed Ed's wrists before he had a chance to clap them together. He'd seen the vein that most of Ed's creations seemed to follow and he hated to think what kind of monstrosity awaited him. "Don't bother," he said quickly. "Come to think of it, this isn't so bad. And it will grow back. Eventually."

"Really?" Ed asked, blinking. At his brother's nod, a grin spread across his face and he reached up to ruffle Al's hair. "Hey, if a girl refuses you just 'cause your hair looks funny, she doesn't deserve you in the first place."

A flush rose in the younger boy's cheeks, prompting him to stare down at his bare feet, but Ed didn't miss the smile dancing on his lips and couldn't stop himself from pulling his only brother – the one he fought for, lived for, would easily die for – into a heartfelt embrace.