I keep trying to get my hands on New Moon. All the book stores around here are sold out, damn it. Oh well. Here goes nothing.
In bed that night, all my feelings seem to amplify. The first thing I noticed was how unbearably cold it was. Even with Edward's chilly arms around me I felt the warmest I could be. When I was by myself, the air seemed to be frozen and no matter what I did, the ice nipped at me. Crickets chirped below my window and the very faint sound of waves echoed into the distance but it all seemed to be muted. The only thing that really carried any sound was the unsteady beating of my heart and the sniffles my nose forced between tears. The salty drops of water fell from my eyes and soaked the pillow beneath me. I knew I was being weak by crying like this. I knew that I needed to do something other than feel sorry for myself. All the logic in the world couldn't deny the hurt emotions that were tugging at my every thought.
Pain. Confusion. Helplessness. Unimportance. Loneliness. The list went on.
Snap out of it, Bella my better judgment tried to convince me. It's just one fight. Tomorrow things will all be better. You love him. He loves you. There's nothing to be worried about.
I rolled to my side, wincing as I put weight on a bruised shoulder. Although I knew this was just a simple fight, I couldn't shake the thought that it held more meaning. Alice's visions had to come true sooner or later. This wasn't something we could forgive and forget. The worst part was that I didn't even know what the problem was and the one person I could always talk to wasn't around.
"Edward?" I whispered just to make sure. There was no answer, only the songs of the crickets and the rhythm of the ocean. I waited at least an hour, half-hoping that he'd come, crawl into bed and tell me everything would be okay. It never happened. Late into the night, I gave up and fell asleep.
The next place I found myself, I was in a forest that was all too familiar. Ahead of me, I could see the silhouette of a man. He held out his hand to me.
"Stop!" a voice came from behind me. I instantly turned around. The voice made me feel colder, as though the temperature had dropped. "Come back here!" After that, I ran faster. This was the person chasing me. He was too far away to see who it was but I didn't want to get close enough to find out. I came to the silhouette and pushed myself into his arms. He embraced me and almost instantly, the fear vanished. I was safe. He would protect me. He was so warm and welcoming. My predator couldn't fight him.
It was hard to wake up from a warm feeling to a cold one. I blinked my eyes open and slowly but surely, the reality from the night before began to sink in. I sighed, wishing I could will myself back into such a peaceful spot. I rolled my aching body over and glanced at the clock. It was half an hour past noon. I hardly ever slept in, let alone so late. I was surprised no one had bothered to wake me up.
The first thing I did was take a deeply appreciated shower. I kept turning the temperature up higher, trying to recreate the warmth the dream had brought. There was no such luck. I stood in there for a long time under a rain of hot water in a bathroom filled with steam. The glass and windows began to fog and my fingers turned to peach-colored prunes. I forced myself out.
My outfit for the day was based on comfort. I picked the baggiest and softest jeans I could find followed by a thin, comfortable tshirt. I had enough things to worry about and I didn't want to add my wardrobe to the list.
As I made my way down the stairs, I finally took notice to the weather. The rain had picked up again and so had the wind. I was surprised I'd missed it before. It was my only guess that a storm was passing. I would have asked but no one else was around. After a couple minutes of poking around, Rosalie appeared.
"They're not here," she told me solemnly. The sound of her voice made me jump. Before I could even ask, she anticipated my question and answered. "They needed someplace to talk. They said they'd be back soon." I paused for another long moment. Slowly, her words began to sink in.
They excluded me from conversation yet again. I didn't mean enough to be part of this talk. They even went to the trouble to leave so I couldn't interrupt. I knew this conversation had to do with me so why couldn't they just tell me? I felt like I had all these rumors about me going around but no one would bother to tell me what it was all about. I hated being left in the dark like this and it happened all the time. My blood started to boil and I wanted to scream.
Rosalie raised an eyebrow at me, able to detect my anger. I immediately tried to calm myself down.
"Why didn't you go?" I asked. The question must have been unexpected; she didn't interrupt me and she didn't have an answer ready.
"Edward asked me to," she said finally. This, of course, did nothing to end my confusion. I tried to make a face that asked what she meant so I wouldn't have to question. Rosalie, of course, wouldn't let me have it easy. She waited for me to speak.
"Why did Edward ask you to stay behind?" I asked finally, frustrated that she didn't just explain for me. I knew very well that if I asked too many questions and pushed my luck, she'd stop answering me all together. I had to be careful. I had to word my questions so that I'd get exactly the answers I wanted.
"He wouldn't say," Rosalie answered, looking straight at me. Her face was so beautiful and so intense at the same time that it was hard to look at her and hard to look away.
"Rosalie, what's going on?" I asked, almost demanded. It felt awkward to address her by name, as though it was a privilege I didn't have.
"I don't know, that's what they're talking about," she answered, staring me down. I forced myself to look straight into her eyes and search for the truth in her statement. To my own amazement, I found nothing that would lead me to believe that she was lying. For a split second, Rosalie looked hurt. It was as though she didn't want to be here, and she didn't want to be left out. The fact that she'd been left behind hurt her just as much as it hurt me. I felt a wave of sympathy for her; it was more of an insult to her to be excluded than it was for me. They'd excluded a member of their family for reasons not even she was entirely aware.
The second Rosalie noticed that I was feeling sympathetic, she changed her expression.
"Take it up with Edward when you get back," she said, turning away. Without any more explanation, she walked out. I turned my gaze back to the window. The rain continued to pour. It felt as though the weather was somehow connected to my emotions, raining as though to make my depression more and more dramatic. I was tempted to crawl back in bed and go to sleep. At least I could take comfort in unconsciousness. I couldn't think of what horrible things had happened and what worse was to come. The images were haunting, no doubt, but at least those nightmares went away when I woke up. At least those nightmares weren't real.
My stomach growled, reminding me of how long it had been since I'd eaten. Pushing myself ever step of the way, I set myself a bowl of cereal and force-fed every bite. Despite the hunger, I didn't want to eat. The soggy mush in the bowl in front of me was a horribly accurate reminder of what I felt. I tried to think of other things.
We've fought before my conscience offered. And so has every other couple in the world. Haven't the fairy tales taught you anything? Love conquers all. Just be patient and keep thinking of how much you love him and how much he loves you. Relax, Bella, it's not the end of the world.
Although the idea was far from convincing, it was better than nothing.
The Cheerios in my bowl seem to soak up the milk faster than I could eat them. Before long, I was eating something that looked more like oatmeal. I pushed the loops around, making shapes from flowers to the classic three-circle outline of Mickey Mouse.
I must have been sitting in that spot for at least an hour, listening to the rain patter against the roof and the wind cry out as it tried to push everything it could touch. My once wet hair dried into wavy locks, adding to my unruly appearance. After being in the same spot for so long doing absolutely nothing, I nearly fell into a stupor.
When I felt like I'd stared at my breakfast long enough, I got up and decided to try to do something...anything.
I tried my luck at a puzzle and sat down at the coffee table. I poured the box's contents out, looked down at my pile of pieces and winced. There were a lot. A quick glance back to the box and I realized that there were 700 of them. I paused, then pushed all the pieces back in. I didn't have the patience for a challenge like that. Next, I went to my room and dug around for the book I'd brought. The thick, paperback novel was hidden in my bag, under the pile of magazines and newspaper comics that I always seemed to read first. It had been assigned to me the last week of school.
"It's a wonderful novel," the history teacher had assured us. "And it has wonderful meaning. You'll be glad you read it." Despite her inspiring speech, I didn't want to read it. It was boring and it was impossibly long. But I had to read it; otherwise I'd get a big fat "zero" for my first quiz grade. I pulled the countless bound pages out and plopped into the chair in my room.
It started off very slow. Something about a man and something about his dreams. I pressed on. The book continued to go at a slow pace. Not steady, not easy, just slow. Finally, I gave up and shoved the book back into my bag. A heavy sigh rushed out of me. Another hour passed. It was hopeless. I wanted Edward to come back.
No. I needed him to come back.
Deciding that some fresh air could do me some good, I pushed the doors of the veranda open and stood in the humid, windy air. The rain was pushed in all directions; no matter where I stood, I got wet. As much as I would have liked to stay outside, I was getting drenched. Ignoring the rain, I leaned over the edge of the rail and watched as the palm trees swayed. The ocean roared with harsh waves and I could barely see past the shore. Finally, the bite of the wind on my wet skin pushed my inside, seeking warmth. I pushed the sliding glass doors shut and sighed.
That's when I heard his voice.
"Bella?" he asked. I jumped to my feel and bolted out my door. I was in such a hurry to see him that my feet were moving a little too fast. I tumbled at the second step, knocking my head against the wall. The forced of the crash caused picture frames to fall, shattering to pieces beneath me. Edward was there to catch me within seconds, leaping into the air and cradling me in his arms before I could hit anything more.
"Bella!" he gasped as he gracefully avoided the broken glass on the floor. "Bella, are you alright?" I pressed my lips together, rested my head against his chest and cried on impulse. I couldn't help it, despite how hard I fought to keep the tears away. Edward was back. He was with me. Edward took the tears the wrong way.
"Oh, God, Bella, what hurts?" he demanded. Everything I wanted to say. My head throbbed from where I'd hit the wall and the inside of my cheek was going numb. But that was nothing compared to the ache in my heart from earlier that day. He cupped my face in a cold hand and stared into my eyes. At first I smiled, but the smile faded. Deep, purple circles hung under his eyes, making him look even deader than he ever had before. This could mean only one thing; it had been a while since he'd been hunting. There was something he was keeping from me, something that he didn't want to tell me. I begged to know what it was, I begged to ask him. Those beautiful eyes of his pulled me closer to him. Then he pressed his lips to mine.
So must lust, so much longing was unwrapped at that very moment. It was as though everything was released and free to go on as it pleased. I lost control of my better knowledge. Impulse had me with no intention of letting go. I wanted to be with him so bad…I couldn't possibly be held guilty for my actions. I opened my mouth, allowing for a wet, extremely passionate kiss. There was bliss for a fleeting moment. Then I realized that it was one of the dumbest mistakes I'd ever made.
The numbness of my cheek was more than I assumed. Blood seeped from a cut inside my lip, following the line of my teeth. I hit the wall harder than I imagined. The iron taste was strong but eveb stronger to Edward, no doubt. His entire body stiffened and he froze. His eyes turned black and his expression became stone cold. I stared back at him, afraid of what he might do next. I wouldn't have been ready for his reaction if I had a million years to prepare.
His lips pressed against mine so hard it almost hurt. He kissed, if you could even call it that, at a pace so rough and so fast that I could hardly keep up. I tried to pull away from his grip but he held me in place. His hand wound around the back of my head, holding me exactly where he wanted. His tongue pressed past my weak guard and ran across the sore in my mouth. I let out a muffled cry but he ignored me. Edward had lost control and was acting on impulse and instinct. I wanted to leave, I knew it was wrong. Even still, I enjoyed every last second of it. The contradicting emotions made me feel horribly guilty.
He forcefully lowered me to the ground and pushed me against the stairs. The uneven surface wasn't easy on my back and I let out an objecting cry. The shards of glass punctured wounds along any part of me that touched the stairs. Not only could I taste blood, but now I could smell it. The animal on me that was no longer Edward tugged on my injured lip, begging for more blood. Tears were falling from my eyes. I seemed to be whimpering my pleasure and moaning my objection. At that moment, nothing seemed to make sense. The world was spinning too fast for me to keep up. I was happy. I was miserable. I was scared. I was safe.
I was trapped.
"Edward!" Alice shrieked, though her voice still kept his harmonious tone. I couldn't see anyone; my eyes were squinted shut, but at that instant, I knew that I had at least two pairs of eyes staring down at us. Forceful hands took Edward by the shoulders and pulled him off me. I could breathe again. My lungs gasped for breath on impulse but the rest of me remained perfectly still.
A low snarl rumbled in Edward's chest and I flinched. This wasn't Edward. This was some vicious animal that tried to pose as him. I wanted my Edward back.
Another set of strong hands pulled Edward away. Both held him in place as the Edward-looking animal struggled against their grip. Slowly, they faded from view. I heard a series of growling and a string of profanities but all the voices sounded far away. I felt all alone, separated by hundreds of soundless miles. I could feel two cold hands wrap around me again and I flinched once more.
"Bella," Carlisle whispered to me softly "it's just me." I shook my head. No, no. I want Edward. My Edward. No one else.
"It's okay," he said as he delicately pulled me to my feet. I shook my head again and shuddered. This was all wrong. I didn't want to be here. None of this should have happened. I was just with Edward again. Everything was okay. We were supposed to make up. I didn't want the ravenous monster that possessed someone I loved. I felt light-headed and on the brink of passing out. Carlisle kept his arms tight around, holding me up, off the ground. A part of me wanted to pass out. At least, if I was unconscious, I could hide from this nightmare. Anything my imagination had in store for me would be better than this.
"Stay with me, Bella," Carlisle reminded me. A cold hand gently shook my shoulder and I forced my eyes open. Everything was a blur. My head was spinning, I could taste blood and Edward and I had been separated yet again. He hurried me out at a pace so quick that I almost didn't feel the air rush past me. We entered another room and the door was slammed behind me. Carlisle placed me down on the foot of a bed and hurried to the closet. I dazedly glanced around the room. I hadn't been in this one before. I didn't have time to appreciate the decorations before he came back carrying a full bag. He yanked out a smaller bag—this one had a red cross on it. First aid I thought. Everyone must have suspected that I'd find a way to hurt myself. I should have seen this coming. Before I could even see what he was doing, I felt pressure on my back. As Carlisle shifted and moved me around, the smell of blood grew stronger.
"Bella, I need you lean forward," he said sternly though his voice at a whisper. It felt awkward to be addressed by name every time but I did what he said without objection. I could feel my shirt being pulled up, exposing my back to him. So that's where the smell of blood was coming from. The broken glass had torn up my back. The next thing I could smell was rubbing alcohol and I knew what was coming. The cold liquid was rubbed across my back and I struggled not to wince. He placed a fatherly hand on my shoulder, letting me know that everything was okay.
"I'll need you to stand," he said, softer than before. Slowly, I stepped off the bed and pulled myself to my feet. It was standing but I still wanted to crawl into the corner and sleep. Every second spent in this horrible situation was only more proof that it was real.
With one swift tug, my shirt was pulled over my head. I shiver as the overly cooled air enveloped me. Even though I knew Carlisle was a doctor, I always felt embarrassed when I was so exposed. I couldn't help blushing.
Bandages were ripped from their packages and the adhesive was pressed to my skin. Although it was easier than it had been with the alcohol, I had to fight to stand still. He wrapped something gauze-like around my middle, over the bandages and across my stomach again. The dressings were a bit of overkill.
"Sorry, Bella, I just want to be sure that your wounds aren't exposed," he apologized. I simply nodded. He was right; if the bandages fell, I'd smell like blood all over again. Carlisle vanished for only a second before he returned with one of his jackets and quickly wrapped it around my shoulders. I graciously took it and held it close for warmth. He continued to finish his job; including shoving my bloody shirt into a trash bag and tying it shut. I'd never see that shirt again, no doubt.
"The cuts will heal just fine," he assured me, once again back at my side. "You've got nothing to worry about." As I looked up at Edward's father, I was tempted to embrace him. I longed for the comfort of being in someone's arms and the feeling of everlasting safety. Although I knew Carlisle would never turn me away, I couldn't provoke his vampire senses any more. I was amazed that he could withstand the smell for so long.
"Thank you," I whispered.
"You've no need to be," he smiled "but you're welcome." For another moment, I stared up into those caring eyes and understood why Edward, Alice and the rest of their family followed Carlisle. He was a leader. He was brave. He cared about everyone. His judgment was never impaired by his feelings or impulses. For a brief moment, I started to compare him to Charlie, but the idea left just as fast as it had come. The two couldn't be compared; they were apples and oranges. Definitely different breeds. Growing more content with the situation, I motioned for the door.
"Bella, there's something you should know," he stopped me, catching my wrist in his stone hand. I warily looked over my shoulder and waited for him to continue. He made a face, struggling for the right words. "I've suggested that everyone should leave for now. It's too dangerous to keep this up." I nodded, automatically assuming that the "we" included me. It was a selfish assumption to make.
"Everyone meaning Esme, Edward, Alice, Rosalie, Jasper, Emmet and I." His sentence was a mouthful to say but the words came out as easy as ever. Carlisle knew to explain before I could even open my mouth. "Edward hasn't been himself for more than one reason. The biggest is that he hasn't been hunting in quite sometime. It was an idiotic thing to do; I'm going to have a talk with him later." He paused for a second, realizing that he was going off topic. "Edward needs to go and I've instructed everyone else to go just as a precaution. We'll have to travel back to forks, though. There's no telling who else may be out here and we don't want to attract any attention. We'll only be gone half a day." My eyes glazed over again and tears started to well up. I didn't want Edward to leave. I didn't want any of them to leave. Ever since our first fight, I'd been so needy, longing for company and helping hand. The last thing I wanted was to be alone again. I'd want Rosalie's absent-minded company more than being alone.
"It's okay, Bella," he offered a smile. "We'll be back before you know it." He packed a couple things into the bag he had pulled out and zipped it closed. I nodded and sniffled a bit. Carlisle stepped to the door and held it open for me, motioning me out. I reluctantly followed.
"Everyone has already left in the other car," he explained as he produced a ring of car keys from his pocket. "I'll be taking the second car, which means you'll be here for the day. What I'm about to tell you is the most important, Bella." He looked straight into my eyes and made sure to get his point across. As if to add to the theatrics, he placed a hand on my shoulder and bent forward so that he was at my eye level. "Under no circumstance should you let anyone into this house. Are we understood?"
I blinked. He sounded like a father about to leave his rebellious teenager home alone for the weekend. What was he expecting? Did he think I'd throw a party once everyone else was gone? The demand was ridiculous. So ridiculous that I had to question why he'd stress it so much in the first place.
"Carlisle, why is it..?" he stopped me before I could continue.
"I can't explain now," he sighed. "Everything is going to be fine, there's no need to worry. Wait here and we'll be back as soon as we can." He patted my shoulder like a father would and turned for the door. Within five seconds, he was gone. The headlights from the car shone through the font windows as he pulled out of the driveway and I pressed my face to the glass to watch him leave. The car vanished down the road into the pouring rain.
I was left alone.