Maureen Johnson-Jefferson was having a very bad day today. Not, not because one of her hair curlers decided to get stuck in her hair while she was curling it that morning. Not because her ex-boyfriend Mark dumped her for a sock puppet named Glinda, even though she dumped him for a lawyer named Joanne at the same time. And not because George Bush had an affair with Osama Bin Laden's sister in his private office while campaigning to arrest Bin Laden himself, even though that has nothing to do with this story. It was because her imaginary peanut butter toast kept running further and further away from her down the street while she scrambled to get it. Frustrated, she lay down on the ground and cried.
"WWAAAHHHHH! I wish I had my peanut buttered toast!" she wailed.
"Did somebody say wish?"
Maureen looked up and saw a skinny, bald black man wearing a beautiful purple, sparkly ball gown, curly blond wig and a sparkly tiara and carrying a long, sparkly fairy wand and descending onto the ground in a magical fairy bubble (because this is a magical land, I've told ya once, I'll tell ya a thousand times). Maureen yawned as she watched him. Now really, who does that? Who comes down onto the ground in a giant fake bubble, wearing a 100-tonne ball gown and carrying a gigantic wand long enough to fit up some rich snob's ass? I mean, seriously. Who does that?
The man smiled widely at her. "Hello, I am Benny, the Witch of Cyberland, and I am here to-"
Maureen cut him off. "Yeah yeah, whatever. I don't care who the fuck you are. If you're really a witch, why don't you do something about that stupid dress? Because it doesn't match your shoes. And that wig looks so fake on you. And why don't you wear some pink lipgloss instead of that pasty magenta lipstick? Honestly, you need like, a complete makeover," she scoffed, pulling out her mobile phone to call her dear friends, the Fab Five. (OMG, like, Kian would totally give him the best products and Carson would teach him how to tdujz properly and Jai would teach him how to make like, perfect eye contact! WOOHOOO! –shakes with excitement-)
Benny trembled with fear. "Umm no, please, don't do that Maureen. I don't need those guys' help. They waxed my legs a few months ago and it was so painful, my skin started bleeding. Umm look, I'll just give you your peanut buttered toast back."
"Well good! Hurry up, because I CAN'T STAND THIS ANY LONGER!" yelled Maureen, crying and screaming and banging her fists on the ground like a 6-year-old spoilt, rich kid who wasn't given their own private bathtub, complete with Jacuzzi nozzles and solid gold rubber Laurel duckies. (This is a shoutout! –giggles-)
Benny closed his eyes, waved his magic wand and mumbled the magic words, "There once was a man from Nantucket…"
But no sooner after finishing that sentence did he realize he uttered the wrong words, and in a flash, Maureen disappeared into an orb of blue light. Benny gasped.
"Oh my goodness! What have I done? Oh dear, oh dearie me!" he blubbered and he picked up the Grimmerie and started frantically flipping through the pages for the right spell.
Somewhere in the mountains of Wyoming (I think)…"JACK! Hurry up! I'm waiting for you, baby!"
"Yes yes, Ennis. I'm coming. Hold on," said Jack, who walked into the living room wearing nothing but his cowboy hat and gun holster.
Ennis, who was dressed like a horse, look and him and squealed like a girl, "OOHH Myyyy! Jack Nasty indeed! You gonna ride me, boy?"
Jack crinkled his forehead. "Yes, but why in the world are you wearing a dead horse carcass?" he asked.
"And why are you wearing your cowboy hat?" Ennis asked.
"And why are we in this story?" Jack asked, blinking. "This has got nothing to do with RENT. Apart from the fact that's it's about gayness, that is."
Ennis shrugged. "I dunno. Let's get down to business while the story shifts back to the East Village in New York," he said. Jack smiled wickedly at him, who smiled wickedly back at Jack, who smiled wickedly back at Alma, who smiled wickedly back at-
Hey! Now what the hell is Ennis' wife doing there? Hmm, beats me..…-shrugs-
Meanwhile, back in the East Village….
It was all very normal in the loft. Glinda was busy soaking herself in melted fairy floss to try and get her normal colour back. Roger got bored hiding behind Frodo and so started dancing on the coffee table with a lampshade over his head, singing, "This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because….."
Um yeah. You get the picture.
And Rob the rubber chicken was teaching Frodo how to play Rock, Paper, Scissors while Mark tried to get to know Jeff, the potato that Maureen had an affair with behind his back (apart from Joanne, of course). Yup, just another normal day.
"So", said Mark, who sat on the couch across from Jeff. "How, uh….how did you and Maureen meet?"
"Well," said Jeff, sipping his peanut butter milkshake, which just magically appeared out of nowhere (because this is a magical fairy land, you better drill that into your head). "It all started just a few months ago, when Maureen walked into a restaurant called Food Town and ordered me. The nice thing was, there was a special that day: peanut butter in everything on the menu, but she chose little ol' me instead. How sweet of her." He blushed and took another sip of his milkshake. (Umm, do potatoes blush, hippy? –thinks-) "I was just about to meet her when that dreaded cow walked in and ruined everything!" he said that last part angrily.
Mark nodded in understanding. Then, out of the abyss walked a cow, Elsie. I asked her if she had anything to drink, and she said, "I am forbidden to-"
Whoops! Sorry, got a little carried away there. –blushes- Anyway, this cow named Elsie walked into the loft, and as soon as she saw Jeff, she glared at him with an angry glare (even thought that's what glare already means). The whole room froze and looked at her in fear. (Glinda, of course being the smartest Bohemian in the room, hid inside the blender.) Except for Roger, who was still on the table with the lampshade on his head, singing, "This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friend. Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because…" and so on and so forth. Frodo gently tugged on his shirt and whispered, "To the harbour, Bilbo. The elves have accorded you a high honour; a place on the last ship to leave Middle Earth."
Roger got startled by Frodo's action and turned and fell SMASH! on the ground, yelling, "Ouch!" He scrambled into a sitting position, took the lampshade off his head, saw Elsie glaring at Jeff, suddenly understood what was going on, and so adopted the same look of fear as everyone else. Jeff trembled under Elsie's glare.
"E-E-E-Elsie?" he stammered. "How n-n-nice to s-s-see you. How a-a-a-are you d-d-doing?"
"Oh very happy," she sneered as she stomped her hoof on the ground, "after finding out that Maureen tried to replace me-" she pointed a hoof at him "-with you!" she bellowed angrily, steam coming out of her nostrils.
Jeff rolled himself up and glared right back at her. "Ohh come on, Elsie! Just because Maureen found me more attractive than she did you!"
Elsie glared harder at him, as more smoke came out of her nostrils. Then suddenly, to complicate matters further, a blue orb suddenly lit up the room and POOF! There was Maureen, landing on the floor of the loft, looking dazed and confusedly at everybody. Suddenly her face went white.
"Elsie? Jeff?" she exclaimed, staring at the both of them. "What are you two doing here?"
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Stay tuned for more! Hippy.Intellect invented Jeff the potato, Elsie the cow and Osama Bin Laden's sister and I invented Rob the rubber chicken and George Bush. –winks-