Chapter 3: Ravages of the poisonous pickles (what did you think they were for?)
"Sir, we've been waiting here for hours. Are you sure this friend of yours is coming?" asks the captain to Arthas.
"Uh… Not really. But she usually runs a little late." Answers Arthas, surprisingly calm.
Suddenly, as if on cue, Jaina Proudmoose, runs out of a nearby clearing, followed by two giant ogres.
"We must help her!" shouts the captain.
"Don't worry, she can take care of herself" says Arthas.
Jaina fights as much as she can but the two ogres have the advantage.
"HEY! LOSERS! LEVEL 1 SEXY ARCHMAGE IN NEED OF HELP AGAINST TWO LEVEL 10 OGRES!" shouts Jaina.
"Sir, she's losing! We have to help her!" warns the captain.
"You'll see, she'll win"
"ARTHAS, I… AM… DYING… HERE!" shouts Jaina. This goes on for minutes until the author has to take care of the two creeps himself. This involves blood, explosions and purple bazooka-missile-sized needles penetrating the skin of the two creeps and eventually exploding them into tiny pieces of flesh.
Two minutes later…
"Ok, men. I'd like you to meet Jaina Proudmoose: special agent of the CIA- I mean, Kirin Tor and one of the most talented witches you can find" explains Arthas.
"For the last time, its sorceress not witch" says Jaina. "Anyway, rumor has it that the plague originated around these parts"
They walk on and meet a few villagers.
"Milord, the bridge to the other side of the river has collapsed; you'll have to go through the marches. Also, villagers have not been returning from the grocery store on the other side. We think they got killed on the way there." says one of the villagers.
"Why'd they go there? Can't they see that sign?" asks Jaina. The sign says:
Trespassers will be shot,
Survivors will be shot again.
Signed, your murloc neighbors.
"I guess we'll have to go through the murlocs…" says the Captain.
"We could also go back home, you know" suggests Arthas.
They fight (right, if you can call it a fight) through the murloc camps and eventually reach a group of footmen. Before they get a chance to say something, five skeletons pop (yes, POP) out of the ground. The skeletons start chopping the footmen with their chainsaws and other cliché zombie weapons.
"Holy crap, skeletons! MOVING SKELETONS!" shouts the captain.
"They could beat us up really easily…" says Jaina. "Let's let the footmen do their job…"
They go around the bloody battle, leaving the footmen to die (Oh well, it was for a good cause… right?). The group arrives near a stinky green factory. Strange hooded men are dancing and chanting around a totem and a glowing necromancer is reciting some strange words… something along the lines of Celine Dion's Titanic song.
"Look, an infected pickle factory! Maybe this is what caused the plague: the pickles look corrupted" points out Jaina. "This is bad, these pickle crates have the FedEx emblem on it… and FedEx delivers everything in Lollyron!"
"Sorry I can't stay and chat, I have to go… do my business" says the necromancer, running to the nearest toilet.
Suddenly, a giant flood form jumps out of the totem and some of the acolytes turn into more flood forms. But, saving the day as usual, Master Chief- I mean, the author jumps out of nowhere and joins the fight against the flood forms.
"Oh my God!" shouts Arthas, pointing to something terrible: "IT'S THE ABOMINABLE FLESH MAN!"
"It looks like it was sewed from different corpses…" says Jaina.
"Lets study it after we kill it, OK?" suggests Arthas.
"No way, I want to study now!"
They fight on for what seems a long time but the flood forms and the abominable flesh man keep coming back…
"It's the necromancer, he's bringing them back every time we kill one!" points out Jaina.
"This should take him out… It kills any bad person!" says Arthas, using his Holy light spell on the toilet. The toilet disappears but the necromancer is still standing.
Everyone, including the flood forms, turn to the necromancer. There is a long silence.
"Master, why are you not dead?" asks one of the remaining acolytes.
"What? Why is everyone staring at me?" asks the necromancer (I'm getting tired of typing that so I'll just say Kel'thuzad). "So I help an old lady cross the street once in a while, does that make me a good person?"
"I guess the scout badges and the peace on Earth t-shirts should have tipped me off…" says the acolyte.
During this disturbing moment, Arthas and the rest of the human troops, with some (if not huge) help from the author, destroy nearly all of the undead. They move on to Kel'Thuzad and when he is about to die…
"NOOOO! My death will mean nothing in the long run…" says Kel'Thuzad who, milliseconds later, dies.
"Your death doesn't mean anything at all..." says Arthas.
They burn the corrupted pickle factory and are about to leave the undead camp when they hear the author whispering something to Kel'thuzad.
"Oh, right!" says the necromancer. "Follow the yellow brick road- I mean, there's a dreadlord named Mal-something. He's at that city I don't know the name of if you need to see him. Kill him and you can end this crap of a campaign."
Wow… I just hope I got better since the first chapter… thanks for the reviews everyone.
Somewhere between chapter three and chapter four…
In a place that looks like heaven or at least what most people think it looks like, there is a giant line of creatures (more commonly called creeps) leading to… I have no idea what. The view focuses on two ogres.
"Hey, Burt?" asks one of them.
"What, Furt?" asks Burt.
"You ever wonder where this line goes? We've been queuing for ages but I don't see the end of it" says Furt. "And I'm sick of seeing these murloc fishermen in front of me!"
"Actually, I'm wondering why that author killed us… What did we do anyway? We were just getting rid of another human." points out Burt. "I thought some blond guy was supposed to save her?"
"Where did you see that?"
"You didn't see it because you didn't read the script…"
(Long silence)
"We should get back on that author" said Furt.
"Yeah, maybe sue him…"
"No, I mean hit him. Hit him hard!"
"We can't do it alone."
(Long silence)
"Let's recruit those creeps!"
And so the two ogres began working on their evil plot…
I realized I messed up the story in chapter 3 so I decided to mess it up even more! Another thing is I may update chapter 4 but don't expect anything else for the entire summer because I do not have internet at home and I will not be able to update. (Don't worry, I'll work on this parody and another serious story)