Chapter 5: The CENSORED
Arthas was standing on a conveniently placed hill overlooking Hiroshima. Uther and Jaina were entering the encampment…
"Good, you made it!" said Arthas. "Listen Uther, there's something about the plague you should know…"
"It turns people into zombies?"
"Um… yeah… about that, all these villagers have been infected. They may look fine now but trust me; their heads are going to be doing 360's in a few minutes."
"That's terrible" gasped Uther.
"Yes it is. That's why I figured an ingenious plan to get rid of that infection."
"What is it?" asked Jaina.
"We storm the village with 1942 British tanks."
"You could just nuke the place you know" pointed out Jaina.
(Long silence)
"What?" asked Jaina. "Oh, right I'm the nice peaceful girl… uh… ah, screw it, KILL THEM ALL!"
"STOP! I won't let you! Arthas, have you lost your mind!" shouted Uther.
"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Arthas. "I'm sorry, you were saying?"
"I can't let you do that!" said Uther.
"Then I must consider this an act of treason…" said Arthas in a… dark voice…
"Watch your tone boy, you may be prince but I'm still your superior as a Paladin"
"You're fired."
"Ah, crap…"
Uther got out of the camp, followed by Jaina.
"Jaina, why would you want to miss all the action?" asked Arthas.
"Sorry, as much as I like killing innocent villagers infected by a plague that turns them into zombies and stopping an evil dreadlord from acquiring a gigantic undead army, I think I'll stick with the actual script…"
"But WHY!"
"Seven billion gold per year, that's why! See ya later, Arthas!" answered Jaina right before taking her Ferrari Enzo out of the camp.
The prince proceeded to arm the footman with AK-47s and everyone else with a LAW rocket launcher.
Meanwhile, in Hiroshima…
Johnny was taking his regular, pickle-filled supper when he heard a noise.
"Honey, did you hear that?" he asked to his wife.
"Hear what?"
"Mommy, I don't wanna eat my pickles!" said Timmy, Johnny's son. "They're all disgusting and gross…"
"Eat your pickles, dear, they're good for you."
"Hey, I hear something! Sounds like machinery!" said Johnny.
"Don't worry dear; we're in a medieval game. Machinery doesn't exist!"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
The house, or at least what's left of it, was then rolled over by Arthas in a 1942 Sherman tank. Arthas was having fun blowing random stuff up when a cinematic began…
"Greetings young prince, I am Mal'Ganis!" said a green dreadlord.
"WHAT!" shouted Arthas from the other side of the village.
"I SAID: GREETINGS YOUNG PRINCE I AM MAL'GANIS!"
"SORRY, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"
"I SAID: I AM MAL'GANIS!"
"ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, NO NEED TO SHOUT YOU KNOW!"
"I already hate that kid…" said Mal'Ganis before proceeding to his daily zombie collecting.
Quest Update:
-kill 100 000 000 000 000 000 000 zombies.
-don't let Mal'Ganis collect 5 zombies.
"Shit, this is going to take a while… Bring out the Enola Gay" commanded Arthas to a pilot. "Remind me again why we named it Enola GAY?"
"I'm getting married to my co-pilot next week" answered the pilot. Many cheers could be heard from the troops deployed…
"I'm a man, you know" said the co-pilot. Even more cheers were heard…
"Alright, men, get the heck out of here if you hold on to your life. Everyone except the footmen" commanded Arthas.
"1 h473 U 51r…" l33ted Timmy.
"I hate you even more soldier. Now go destroy the undead base."
"0k 51r…"
The Enola Gay departed. There was a big boom and a giant green mushroom could be seen over Hiroshima. The Enola Gay came back. As you can see, I didn't have much imagination for this part so… here are two tap-dancing sheep to entertain you while I think of what will happen next…
"What have we done?" said the co-pilot.
"Didn't you look?" said the pilot. "We just dropped the world's first A-bomb. How the hell could you miss this! You don't care about what we do together do you! That's it, the marriage is off!"
"I'm sorry…"
(Long silence)
"Ok, I forgive you" said the pilot. They happily ever after and had a lot of children. Actually, disregard that last part about children…
Cinematic time…
Arthas appears near Mal'Ganis.
"Are you Mal'Ganis?" asked Arthas.
"No, I'm Rosie O'donnell! Who do you think I am!" said Mal'Ganis sarcastically.
"Bessie Smith?"
"No"
"Michael Jackson?"
"No"
"Jim Carey!"
"NO"
"Chuck Norris?"
"No, he's busy being in another fanfic."
"Oh, then you're…"
"I'M MAL'GANIS DAMNIT!" shouted Mal'Ganis. "But please, call me Mal'"
Mal'Ganis' cell phone rang just as Arthas was about to attack him.
"Hold on, I gotta take this…" said Mal'Ganis. "Hey, Ner'Zhul, my man! Bad news?... Oh… Ok… Yeah, I'll him… Ok, bye." He hang up. "Sorry, kid, I need to go to the freezing lands of Siberia. Let's kill each other there ok? Much more dramatic." He finished right before disappearing.
"DAMN YOU, MAL, I'll FOLLOW YOU TO THE END OF THE EARTH IF I HAVE TO! YOU HEAR THAT!"
"51r, h3'5 47 7h3 07h3r 3nd 0f 7h15 w0rld, h3 c4n'7 h34r U" said Timmy.
"I DON'T CARE I NEED TO YELL AT NOTHING OR I'LL… never mind, weren't you supposed to be on a suicide mission- I mean, razing the undead base?"
"1 d13d" answered Timmy before floating up to the heavens. Several minutes later, he dropped to Hell because he l33t3d all the time. See kids? L33t is bad!
"That was… weird…"
And the happy psychopath went to the freezing lands of Greenland- I mean, Siberia.
Meanwhile…
"Good news Furt!" said Burt.
"What Burt?"
"I recruited all the creeps!"
"Good job!" congratulated Furt.
(Long silence)
"How do we get out of here now?" asked Burt.
Suddenly, a giant airplane burst through the… floor or clouds? Let's say clouds that hold up the people in the line of creeps. Two guys walk out of the airplane. Those guys die. The creeps go near the plane. The airplane had made a huge hole.
"So… Furt, how do we make this thing go down?"
"We could ask a goblin technician"
"Or we could just jump down that hole…"
"Ok"
To be continued…