A gargoyle careened past Artemis, narrowly avoiding his sword. He screamed, "Why do these stories always start in media res?!"
Jarlaxle was too busy being chased by a lich to respond. He raced past on a bridge-like section of hallway far above Artemis' head.
"Isn't this zany?" the lich said, anxiously trying to hold onto the once rich rags of its robe. A huge boulder which resembled nothing so much as a bowling ball rolled past, thundering and scraping shrilly against the stone walls of the tower. "It entertains you, doesn't it?"
Jarlaxle was running as fast as he could, trying to avoid the touch of the mage corpse's fingers reaching for him. If the lich succeeded, he thought it might cause serious injury, disease, or death.
"I worked on it all week!" the lich roared, becoming angry. "The least you can do is show me a bit of praise, you ungrateful mortals! I had to read adventure stories for three months to brainstorm this creation into life!"
"Ahhhhhhh!" Jarlaxle said. "AR-TE-MIIIIIS!"
Artemis ran up the nearest stairwell and slammed head first into a flesh golem. He rebounded, flipping in the air and managing to land on his feet, avoiding a clumsy swipe of the golem's meaty arms. He fought furiously, chopping at it. Bloodless chunks of skin and muscle flew everywhere, and through the rain of disgusting flesh, the gargoyles were getting closer, swooping in for the kill. The golem cried out in bestial, tongue-less wails. Artemis was almost knocked off the stairwell by a gargoyle, and he furiously swept lines of black ash in the air, trying to make it harder for the flying monsters to target him. Artemis accidentally beheaded the golem in the process, and it stumbled into him. He lost his balance, startled, and quickly recovered by shoving the golem at the next gargoyle that tried to attack him.
His way clear, he shot up the stairs and sprinted after Jarlaxle.
"Aha!" Jarlaxle cried. He saw a room at the top of the tower and ran inside, immediately looking around for the philactery. It has to be in here, it has to be in here – There was only a book on a pedestal. He dashed for it, rapidly flipping through the book, looking for a hidden object that he could crush to stop the –
The lich hovered at his side, looking over his shoulder with soulless staring sockets for eyes.
"Hello," Jarlaxle said. He timidly beamed, innocently flicking through a few of the pages and making a wide-eyed face. "How's immortality working out for you?"
The two of them froze before either of them could do anything as Artemis barreled through the door, letting out a roar with a snarl on his face. The loud flutter of gargoyle wings was close behind him. "WE'RE GOING TO DIE AND IT'S YOUR FAULT!"
Jarlaxle took advantage of the lich's distraction at being suddenly run through by Artemis' weapon and ripped a page out of the book, trying to see what sort of response that would have in the dangerous undead.
The lich shrieked.
Artemis, encouraged, broke out into a relieved smile and began to fight the lich.
The lich looked more annoyed than anything else, and raised his wand.
Jarlaxle ripped out a handful of pages, panicking at Artemis' imminent demise.
The lich let another ear-piercing shriek into the air and doubled over.
"It's the book!" Jarlaxle yelled, tearing out pages left and right. The smell of rotting parchment filled the air.
In the center of the ruined book was a glowing purple skull.
"Crap," Jarlaxle said. He fell over, tumbling to the floor in a heap.
"Jarlaxle!" Artemis yelled. He saw the glowing purple skull sitting in the middle of the book and instantly knew: "The phylactery!"
"Nooooooo!" the lich said.
"Yes!" Jarlaxle yelled. He seemed to be in acute pain. "Grab it!"
Artemis yanked on his glove and snatched the mysterious violet colored artifact. Or tried to. It electrocuted him. He somehow managed to remove it from the center of the book anyway, even though he was writhing like a man stuck in a box full of tarantulas.
The lich turned to dust.
Artemis fell over.
Jarlaxle winced.
Artemis didn't move. His body was singed from head to toe.
"Are you alright?" Jarlaxle asked.
"I'm going to kill you," Artemis said. He struggled, pushed himself up on his arms, and spat out blood. "I bit off the tip of my tongue."
The glowing skull rolled on the floor towards the drow.
Jarlaxle's eyes lit up. "Ooh. Shiny." He snatched it.
"How come that didn't hurt YOU?" Artemis yelled.