Chapter 20 : "This land is my land, this land is your land…"
Morning rose (again) over the barrens (again) as Thrall walked up to Cairne (again).
"Your land is brown and unoriginal. Much like the place my people come from" says Thrall.
"Yes, we tauren- What! THAT'S IT OFF GOES YOUR HEAD!" screams Cairn, chopping Thrall to pieces.
MISSION FAILED – Would you like to try again?
TAKE TWO:
"Your land is rugged and beautiful. I can see some good places for Wal-Marts and Toys'R'Us!"
"YOU SHALL DO NO SUCH THING!" screams the chieftain, again chopping Thrall to pieces.
About 3 hours later… TAKE THREE HUNDRED TWENTY:
"Your land is… colorful."
"Sigh I guess I'll have to leave it to that…" sighes the chieftain.
"Wait, I wasn't finished!"
"Do you really want to keep talking!"
"Good point. Anyway, my people deserve a land to call their own." Points out Thrall.
"THEN YOU'RE HERE TO CONQUER US!"
"People, people, just explain to Thrall what hes going to have to do before chopping his head off, that way we can keep going and finish the damn mission" says the author. "Or at least stop complaining out loud, the filming crew is getting annoyed…"
The two warchiefs calm down and stop hyperventilating long enough to say their script. No, really, I'm serious.
A grunt runs to the orc chief, he is stressed and has a war axe stuck in his forehead. "SIR, need medical… assistance… must… live… long enough to… say… message…" manages to blurt out the soldier.
"Bah, you'll be fine. What did you have to tell me?"
"We've spotted… a group… of centaurs attacking… us!"
"And you only just noticed?"
"SIR I REALLY NEED MEDICAL ASSISSTANCE!"
"You'll get over it. Cairne, the disgusting mutant elephants you dare call kodos are overburdened. Maybe you should stay with the caravan and protect them." Suggests Thrall.
"There's no need to cuddle me, boy. I may be old but I can still fight. Besides, I'm not gay."
"As if…"
"What was that?"
"Nothing…"
They reach the first Oasis after many Whosyourdaddied fights. Suddenly, three grunts surprise them by jumping out of the woods with asparagus man masks. What is an asparagus man, you ask? Bush is one. Let that give you an idea…
"AAAAAH!" screams a Troll. "I'M TOO FOREIGN ACCENTED TO DIE!"
"Relax, we just kidding" says one of the grunts.
"AND IT TALKS! AUTHOR SAVE ME!"
Thirty seconds later, by the next Oasis (which just happened to have a Hilton Hotel nearby…), three possessed catapults come out of the woods. Why are they possessed? Hasn't anyone noticed there is NO ONE in these machines? Yet they just walk and shoot and talk and chop down trees because a mouse pointer said so? Warcraft is so unrealistic…
Anyway, after many hours of waiting for the mutant elephants…
"OH MY FOREIGN ACCENTED BLUE SKINNED GOD! CENTAURS BE RUNNING TO US!" screams the hyperactive troll. "WE GOIN TO DIE WE BE GOIN TO DIE!"
"Don't worry! I will save us!" says Cairne. He then smashes his hoof on the ground, sending the three catapults into bits and damaging everyone. Besides that, a few pebbles fall, blocking the centaurs.
"I can't believe this game is cheap enough to have us stopped by pebbles, this is so frustrating! Oh wait, I CAN PASS OVER THEM!" realizes a centaur.
"Nice job "Chieftain"! You really know how to save us…" says Thrall sarcastically.
"You're welcome" welcomes the chieftain.
"It was sarcasm! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"
Let's be honest, horses run faster then cows, that means they wouldn't have any chance of survival. Luckily, the author had planted several million tons of what centaurs fear the most…
"OMG, I AM SO SCARED BECAUSE I HAVE SEEN THIS THAT I AM GOING TO TURN BACK AND RUN FOR MY LIFE!" screams a centaur. "I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SEE…"
The centaur stops screaming, having a giant needler near what you might call a head…
"Shhhh, its confidential" says the author.
"Why?"
"Cus' I didn't have enough imagination at the time to think up of something funny."
"Oh… Lazy ass…"
Two minutes later…
"Well, warchief, the caravan is safe… okay half of it is safe. But the point is you can continue your journey to the oracle so you can leave me alone" explains Cairne.
"What Oracle?"
"Just go and leave me alone!" begs the tauren chief.
Anyway, the hulk-look-alikes keep going to Dr. Evil Mountain. Why Dr. Evil Mountain? Because its shaped like Dr Evil's head in his evil pinky-to-mouth position. Just watch the second Austin Powers…
Next Chapter: What is left of Lollyron. In other words, 2 pieces of wood.