Disclaimer: I own nothing. JK Rowling owns the Characters, Queen owns "Another One Bites the Dust", and the Monkees own "Last train to Clarksville. And I have a very strong anti-harry bias. You've been warned.

It's back, it's longer, and it's better than ever. Love it or hate it, I doesn't matter.

Year 2 Part 2

Check it out: Harry's made it another year. Not for long…

"You lost me my slave boy," roared Lucius Malfoy, pulling on the snake head of his cane and revealing a wand.

Harry goggled at him. He'd survived Tom Riddle only to be killed by a vengeful Malfoy? Not on his watch.

"Avada Kedavr-"

"Ahhhh!" screamed Harry, ducking like only a twelve year old can. "Help! He's going to kill me!"

In his office, Dumbledore turned up his iPOD, which was currently playing "Another One Bites the Dust."

"Dumbledore won't come save you now, Potter," whispered Lucius spitefully. "Avada Kedavr-"

Suddenly, a flash of light filled the halls of Hogwarts and Hermione, Ron, Ginny, Draco, and Blaise Zabini appeared.

"No!" cried Ron, grabbing Hermione's arm and dragging her over to help Harry. Draco and Blaise crossed quickly to the other side of the corridor, Ginny in tow, and began a rousing cry of "Lucius! Lucius! Lucius!" in the background. (Of course, Ginny didn't cheer with them, but it could have been sorely tempting).

"How did you get here?" asked Harry, temporarily distracted from his impending death.

"Granger's bloody time turner," barked Malfoy from across the room, but as he dusted his shoulder off, Harry noticed he didn't look too angry. He glanced up at Hermione (she had never been tall, but she was a seventh year now, and was much taller than his second year self). She had a strange smile on her face. Harry put it down to the fact that Ron had grabbed her arm. Everyone knew there was sexual tension between them.

"We got in a bit of a fight and Hermione's time turner got turned," answered Ron, glaring at Malfoy in general and Zabini in particular.

"What about?" asked Harry. He figured that as long as he distracted Lucius, he could live.

"Ron can't accept that Blaise and Ginny are dating," said Hermione, shrugging her shoulders.

"WHAT?"

"Three months now, Potter," said Blaise, bending over to kiss his girlfriend.

"What about us, sweetums?" asked Draco, in a singsong voice that made both Ron and his father wince. Hermione merely rolled her eyes.

"And Draco and I are trying to date as well. We fight a lot, but we've got a whole year as heads together, so we've got a lot of time."

"They make a cute couple," said Ginny.

Harry looked like he was going to die. Which, as a matter of fact, he was.

"I hate to interrupt in this reunion, but I have a boy to kill," said Lucius.

"No, don't kill him," begged Ron. "He's my best friend."

"It's too bad I hate you then, Weasley," said Lucius, a smirk forming on his pale features. "Avada Kedavra!"

"No!" screamed Ron, as he jumped in front of the beam of green light.

"Ron!" Screamed Harry, as he watched his friend fall limply to the ground. He turned angrily towards Lucius, wand raised (he'd apparently forgotten it before). "Avada-"

"Expelliarmus," said Hermione, rolling her eyes, dragging Ron's body out of the hallway.

"Hermione! He killed Ron!"

She stared down at her expired friend's body. "Yeah, well, better him than me, you know?"

"Are you crazy?" demanded Harry in a hoarse whisper.

"Probably. I've been you're friend for too long. Look Harry, Ron was a git with no potential for mental capacity. Let it go."

"Ginny!" cried Harry desperately, looking for support as Lucius was glancing at his watch, tapping his foot impatiently.

"What, Harry?" she asked, tearing her mouth away from Blaise's for a minute. "Oh. Well, he always wanted to die for you." She went back to her business.

"As much as I love a show…" drawled Lucius, "I'm a busy man and I need to kill Mr. Potter here. Miss Granger, will you be saving him next?"

Hermione glanced at Harry, then stared across the corridor and locked eyes with Draco. "I don't think so," she said, tossing Harry's wand back to him, crossing over to stand next to her boyfriend. "You see, Mr. Malfoy, I'm in a somewhat steady relationship, I'm almost head girl, and I'm not willing to throw it away for a boy who becomes a prat in a few years."

He sneered at Harry's flabbergasted expression. "I don't really blame you, Miss Granger. Any last words, Mr. Potter?"

"You-you traitor! You're worse than, than both of them!" sputtered Harry. "You should have been in Slytherin."

"I wouldn't mind it, love," Draco whispered in her ear.

"You see, Harry, this is what I'm talking about. You and Ron always bossed me around and yelled and fussed and screamed over nothing, when I was the only normal person among you. Neither of you could find common sense with a compass!"

"And this is what you really think of me?" asked the poor, second year Harry looking up at his seventh year best friend, who currently had his seventh year worst enemy's arms wrapped around her waist.

"Yes," she said softly. "Goodbye, Harry."

Merciless though she was, Hermione buried her head in Draco's shoulder when Lucius finally said the incantation.

"Avada Kedavra!"

Harry's body fell to the floor, and his spirit went off to join Lily and James in paradise, where they could be a happy family while he was still a sweet kid.

Hermione turned back around and looked at Harry. "You know," she said to the room in general, "they only used me for my brains."

Draco smirked. "I could use you for…other things."

"In that case, I don't think I could decline," smiled Hermione, letting him kiss her hand.

"Draco!" They turned to see a rather pale looking Lucius.

"What is it?"

"Just…" the death eater lost conviction. "Just never say that in front of me again. After all, I am your father." And Lucius Malfoy apparated, though no one was quite sure how he managed it. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that Dumbledore was rocking out to "Last Train to Clarksville."

Draco glanced over at Blaise and Ginny, who were necking it. "Get a closet," he hollered good-naturedly.

"As long as we're stuck here," Blaise said, smirking. Ginny nodded.

Draco and Hermione quickly followed suit. By the end of the day, the four were back to the future, strangely devoid of Ron and Harry (Hermione declared it was very freeing), and on their graduation day, Draco and Hermione announced their engagement. Blaise and Ginny married a year later. And Lucius Malfoy looked around the unfamiliar place he'd apparated to. He'd never seen it before, but there was a strange sign that said, "Welcome to Clarksville."

"Stupid muggles," he muttered, as he Avada-ed the whole town. And then some.

Of course, that's not how it really happened. Doby interevened, and the Boy-Who-Missed-The-Point lived on for one more year…