Disclaimer: I own nothing. And I really really really hate Harry. No joke. He is a sorry excuse for a main character. This isn't supposed to be amazing, it's just a fun way to point out all the ways Harry could have (and should have) died over the years.
Now, without further ado:
How It Should Have Happened: Year 4
All of Hogwarts was agog with excitement. It was time for Dumbledore to announce the contestants in the TriWizard Tournament. The student bodies of Hogwarts, Durmstrang, and Beauxbatons sat with bated breath as the old man read the papers that flew into his hand.
"Fleur Delacour."
People cheered, especially the male students.
"Victor Krum."
People cheered, especially the female students.
"Cedric Diggory."
People cheered. Just people, no one special.
"Harry Potter!!!"
People were silent.
Harry thought, "Why does this always happen to me? No wonder angst seems like the only path."
Hermione thought, "Oh bugger. He'll probably need my help. That means I get less time to 'study' with Malfoy."
Ginny thought, "What did I ever see in you? You have a highly developed death wish for one so young. Hmmm, Zabini is looking good."
Draco thought, "Damn, less 'study' time with the mudblood."
Blaise thought, "Pothead isn't dating the Weasley girl, is he?"
Ron thought, well, actually, Ron never thinks. So Ron stood up and yelled, "I thought you were my best friend, you attention seeking pig! Why didn't you tell me?."
Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Detention, Mr. Weasley. Harry, if you would come with me and this rather angry group of other headmasters. Severus and Minerva, because you are characters the audience recognizes, you can come to."
"Thank you, Headmaster," they said in unison, and hurried after the group of unrecognizable characters that was storming out of the Great Hall.
Somehow, all the unrecognizable characters were able to agree that Harry could participate. Harry walked down the corridor with a huge weight on his shoulders: his best friend hated him, he was probably going to die, he wasn't as smart as Hermione, he didn't have a girlfriend, his god father was a fugitive, his other father figure was a werewolf, and his parents were dead. He was seriously considering going angsty on the readers when he was pulled into an abandoned classroom.
"Potter," came a low Bulgarian growl.
"K-k-krum, is that you?" Harry asked, straining to see in the low light.
A candle was lit, and he saw the three other champions: Krum, Cedric, and Fleur standing in a circle around him. Fleur was twirling her hair nervously, and Cedric looked worried.
"We, well I, don't think you should be allowed into the tournament. You're not of age," said Krum.
"But the unrecognizable characters said I could be in it!"
"So? We're all unrecognizable characters too, and we think you shouldn't enter."
"I can't back out!"
"Then prepare to black out!" yelled Krum.
"That was such a horrible line," said Fleur scornfully, picking lint off her sleeve. "I'd hate to hear the pick-up lines you use."
"He's just a Quidditch player, Miss Delacour," said Cedric. "He doesn't need to be smart."
"Hey! I resemble that!" screamed both Harry and Krum, momentarily forgetting about their animosity.
"Anyway," began Krum, back on track, "prepare to die."
The last thought on Harry's mind as his body was beaten into a bloody pulp by a certain Bulgarian Quidditch star was "if I had gone angsty, maybe this would never have happened."
----
Of course, Harry wasn't actually beaten to death, and he showed up that first day to fight the dragon.
As he entered the arena, Harry threw a side glance at the stands. He saw Ron with Fred and George, their flaming hair a beacon in the crowd. Ginny's red hair and Gryffindor robes were currently shining in a sea of Slytherin silver and green, and she seemed to be ahem involved with one of them, though he couldn't make out who. Neither Draco nor Hermione could be found, as they had given into their hormones and were currently making out beneath the stands.
The dragon entered, and snarled fire at Harry.
"Accio Firebolt!" he called. The broom came and he jumped on, because moving targets are harder to hit.
At least, that's how the saying goes.
Harry took a straight on hit of searing flames from the dragon, who crowed triumphantly.
As the smoke cleared, Draco, who had the closest view, being on the ground level of the amphitheatre, cried out, "Cool! A Potterkebab!"
Hermione hit him.
----
Of course, everyone here who has either read the book or seen the movie knows that Harry lived to see round two:
"Harry Potter needs gillyweed!" cried Dobby. "I shall fetch some!"
In a flash, he was back, and handed Harry something that looked like seaweed. Because Hermione preoccupied and didn't warn him to try it before hand, Harry waited until the day of the second challenge to try the gillyweed.
The good news is that it worked.
The bad news is that Harry Potter is fatally allergic to gillyweed.
----
Of course, somehow this kid made it to the third round of things, the maze.
Harry and Cedric reached the cup and grabbed it together. Then there was a pulling at their navel and they were suddenly in a graveyard. The Graveyard of Dreams! Sorry, the Graveyard of Harry's Dreams (read, Nightmares). Oh no. If the reader doesn't have a bad feeling about this, they will now:
"AVADA KEDAVRA!"
Beside Harry, Cedric fell. For this was the Graveyard of Harry's Dreams, and Voldemort has never been called hospitable.
"Take his blood, Wormtail!"
"Yes master!"
Harry found himself held in place and watched in horror as the man who betrayed his parents cut his arm to aide the Dark Lord. It was hard to focus, as the word "angst" kept flashing in his head.
Voldemort rematerialized, and then called his followers. Lucius Malfoy, for some stupid reason, had allowed his lovely blonde hair to grow longer than the hood on his Death Eater outfit. Voldemort rolled his eyes. Some people were just stupid.
"Watch me kill Potter!" he cried, cackling with maniacal glee.
He turned to where Harry was bound. "Avada Ked-"
"Wait!" cried Harry.
"What is it?"
"Aren't you going to give me a sporting chance?"
Voldemort appeared to consider this. "If I give you a sporting chance, you will probably defeat me. After all, you have beaten me thrice already, and I am sufficiently humble to accept that a sporting chance would be stupid. And I didn't get to where I am today by being stupid."
"But you're supposed to be pompous and arrogant!" screamed Harry. "Why aren't you pompous and arrogant?"
"Don't get all angsty on me, Potter. I am pompous and arrogant, but if you wanted stupid as well, I suggest battling Lucius over there. Oh yes, except that you won't be able to after I'm through with you. Any last words, Potter?"
Harry hung his head. "Tell Hermione good luck with Draco, I know they've been sneaking around."
"WHAT?" screamed Lucius.
"And tell Ron I love him."
Voldemort laughed. "Well, that was unexpected. Goodbye, Potter."
"Wait, don't kill him! What do you mean, Draco and the mudblood have been 'sneaking around'?"
"Too late. Avada Kedavra."
Voldemort laughed again as Harry's head fell limply to his chest. "Dumbledore really overestimates my ego. All the better for us! And tomorrow, we take Hogwarts."
----
Of course Harry made it back to school, with Cedric's body in tow. And he lived another year. Unfortunately.