Chapter 12! (Almost done! This is probably going to be one of my longest fics ever!)
Disclaimer: I do not own Legend of Zelda: OoT, but I do own all the insane stuff. And I do own some other stuff too but I don't remember what they are… ON WITH THE FIC!
Cherry-sama: Hi! And welcome back to Totally Messed!
Link: Hi! And welcome back to Totally Messed!
Navi: Hi! And welcome back to Totally Messed!
Cherry-sama: I have a feeling I have an echo in an enclosed space…
Link: I have a feeling I have…
Cherry-sama: ON WITH THE STORY! Saria?
Saria: Please read the fic…
Navi: Please read the fic…
What would happen if Koume and Kotake had a makeover obsession?
Wonder no more! I—I…I…I'm hungry. I'm going to get some food after I finish typing this… I wonder if I should have cherries or hot dogs… Or maybe bread and cheese… Well… I can't have cherries because they're all gone… DANG IT!
(Where we last left Link, he was about to find out the wonders/joys of life. Too bad that we are going to zoom in on Ganondorf and two ladies before him, and he knew them all too well…)
"You're late." Ganondorf hissed, in a very odd way that didn't sound much like a hiss to me but that's probably just me, isn't that right SoC?
"But our hair was tangled!" Koume protested, for her hair was ugly all the same.
"And we had to paint our nails before we got here, Grandson!" Kotake protested with her sister, both wanting to look as beautiful.
(SoC is making this one fanfic, starring Ganondorf (might be rated 'M' for violence)and she states that he calls the two witches 'Grandmother' out of respect, even though they are probably not related. She has not posted this fic yet but she insists that I put the 'Grandson' stuff in. But I have a joke up my sleeve…eh…heh…heh…)
"Anyways…" Ganondorf sighed in annoyance. "I have a job for you two. I want you to—"
"Grandson, would you like a cookie?" asked Koume sweetly, holding up a cookie that looked like they had put life-threatening ingredients inside it to make it 'taste okay'.
"…No, Grandmother, I would not like a cookie. Anyways, I want you to go—"
"But Grandson, we made these cookies just for you!" Kotake protested, interrupting Ganondorf once again. "And just like we were told by the other Gerudo in your grade three class, we didn't put any toad warts, that you don't like, in it this time!"
"I'm not hungry, Grandmother… I ate my breakfast at my castle… But I want you to go and—"
"And like you told us to, we didn't put Keese (bat) guts in it. (Though it really brings out the flavor…)" Koume told Ganondorf, making him get really annoyed.
"I told you that I do not want those cookies!" Ganondorf told the two witches, trying his best to make sure that he would not die from eating their cookies, and I wouldn't blame him for if I ate one of those, I would surely die from food poisoning. "I know for a fact that you make those cookies from any leftovers that you have after making your potions or shampoos!"
"Nonsense, Grandson…" Kotake told Ganondorf, with a little chuckle in her voice.
"We bought the frog eye balls from the King Zora off eBay!" Koume told Ganondorf.
"The handsome man in the Lake Hylia Laboratory wasn't very impressed…" Kotake paused. "We out bid him (we were the only ones, other than him, bidding for the eye balls). He said that we stole his dinner!"
"Anything else?" Ganondorf sneered.
"We also ordered the Deku Scrub Liver by mail. But the Deku King (he seemed to be from another world, parallel to Hyrule) wasn't very impressed by these actions…" Koume paused.
"Then he sued us." Kotake told Ganondorf, with this statement he looked concerned for he knew that they used his money for paying, and I already described about some men being penny pitchers last chapter. "But it wasn't a big deal. Gerudo rupees are on a ratio of 1:100000000000000000000000000 to Deku rupees."
"Grrr… FINE! I'll eat your cookies." The Gerudo King hissed, getting fairly mad.
"Yay! Beautiful/elderly witches never fail when it comes to giving their Grandson cookies!" Koume and Kotake cheered, sounding too much like Link and Navi while saying 'the power of evil sour milk never loses'…
"IF!" Ganondorf yelled, getting his Grandmothers' attention.
"Ohh…" Koume paused.
"If…" Kotake muttered, repeating what Ganondorf just said.
"If you go and kill the Hero of Time, his name is Link." Ganondorf told the two, finally saying what he wanted to say. "He wears a skirt/tunic that is green/red/blue and his hair is long for a guy his age."
"Can we do his hair, Grandson?" Koume asked.
"Well, Grandmother… Only if you kill him afterwards…" Ganondorf told the witches.
"Yay!" Kotake exclaimed.
(NOW we will zoom in on our Hero, age 19. Link headed to Gerudo Valley and he saw a carpenter on the other side of the bridge. But he wasn't on that side of the bridge and he and Navi were pondering how to get over. But then Navi had an ONA.)
"The desert…that is where Ganondorf the Evil King was born. If we go there, we might find something." Navi told Link.
"Your ONA had slow reaction time." Link told Navi.
"Don't blame me! In fact, be glad!" Navi told Link.
"Anyways… Navi… How can we get across?" Link asked.
"Simple! Let me show you!" Navi told Link, Navi, being much smarter than the stupid hero, remembering something that Link evidentially didn't.
(Navi stole Link's ocarina and played Epona's Song. Epona randomly appeared (as she always does) and looked at Navi, who had by this time given back Link's Ocarina. Epona thought that Navi was a blue carrot (again) and chased towards her. Navi turned white because this was not how her plan was suppost to go. Navi turned around and fled. Since Navi's back was towards the bridge, she flew towards it now. Navi flew over the bridge. Epona jumped after her, since the bridge was broken, leaving Link behind. Navi flew over to the far wall and waited there (she had a plan in mind). Epona ran towards her dinner, at full speed. When Epona was almost on Navi, Navi flew to the side, making Epona crash, head-first, into the wall, and making her faint.)
"That's how you get over!" Navi told our so-called hero, who was very ticked by this point.
"Awe, geez, thanks Navi. Only one thing bothers me." Link told Navi, trying to hide his anger, but failing.
"What?" Navi asked, or I should say, yelled, for they were very far away.
"YOU DITCHED ME! NOW I'M STUCK OVER HERE!" Link hissed evilly.
"Use Hookshot…" Navi told Link.
"NOOO! IT'S RUSTY!" Link told Navi, thinking of Dampé's Hookshot. "And where would it hit!"
(Navi pointed to the circle thing on the other side.)
"And I was talking about the Hookshot you got in the Water Temple…" Navi told Link.
(Link Longshot-ed across.)
"It's not Hookshot. It's called Longshot." Link scowled at Navi, both on the same side of the bridge.
"Same difference." Navi paused, leaving unconscious Epona behind.
"I am a master craftsman." A random bald guy yelled at Link and Navi, who were walking by. "Those Gerudo thieves…they broke the bridge. I want to fix it, but all of my workers are gone!"
"O.o Dude…" Navi paused.
"Why do you want to fix their bridge?" Link asked, not knowing how hot the Gerudos are. "They can break it if they want to!"
"Umm… Where did your workers go?" Navi asked. "And why did they leave?"
"They said working as carpenters isn't cool, and they went to the Gerudo's Fortress to become thieves…" the man paused.
"Dude… Those guys have no life…" Link paused. "Who wants to become thieves? That's a lame job!"
"Hey, you!" the bald guy asked.
"Who, me?" asked the bunny hood guy, inside the tent, poking his head out the front.
"No, this young guy!" the bald man told the bunny hood guy, who was bunny hood less.
"I'm young!" the bunny hood guy protested.
"Not as young as him!" the bald guy told the bunny hood guy.
"Ohhh…" the bunny hood guy moped in the tent corner.
"Anyways… If you are going to the fortress, would you mind finding out what my workers are doing over there?" the bald guy told Link.
"O.o Um… Okay?" Link asked, not sure if that was the right answer, for in the future in his mind, he would think it was.
(So Link walked into the Fortress and…)
"Okay…" Link muttered to himself, for he was planning of running in and yelling for the male Gerudo warriors to attack him.
(Link ran into the Fortress, stopped, outstretched his arms, and yelled…)
"GERUDOS, FACE ME NOW FOR I—I…" Link faded out as he saw all the armed females, running towards him, spears at him. "I…I… I HIT THE JACKPOT!"
"GET HIM!" one female yelled to the others.
"YES! COME AND GET ME!" Link yelled, with his arms still outstretched.
(The Gerudo girls were scared by this remark, for this was the first time a prisoner wanted to be put into jail. All the girls got into a huddle and started talking, only a few feet away from Link.)
"Huh? What are they doing?" Link asked Navi.
"They're scared of you since they never had a prisoner that wanted to go to jail before. Now they are consulting each other what to do, just in case you have or have not got a plan that includes you going to jail." Navi explained.
"Naw. That's just crazy talk." Link told Navi, not knowing how right she was.
(Then the Gerudos all faced Link, at the same time, scaring Navi, but making Link swoon. One of them then grabbed the arm of the unconscious male and dragged him away to be interrogated…)
(When Link woke up he was on a puffy, red couch, with the Gerudo girls looking down on him, shadowing his only source of light. Link then swooned again, but Navi yelled in his ear…)
"HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT!" Navi yelled in Link's ear, making him wide-awake, bolt upright.
"! Make it stop!" Link screamed in terror, arms folded above him head to protect himself from Navi's yells.
(These actions made the Gerudo women who looking down on Link seconds before, fall backwards and hide under the couch Link was on.)
"Navi… I had a wonderful dream…" Link started. "I dreamed that I was about to fight the Gerudo Male warriors and they all turned into girls."
"That was no dream…" Navi told Link. "Didn't you know that the Gerudos are an all female race?"
"Nuh-uh! What about Ganondorf?" Link asked.
"…He ignored the laws of Gerudo reproduction…" Navi explained.
(Link swooned again, due to this fact; Navi took a deep breath when Link woke up again.)
"Alright, alright… I'll stay up. Just don't yell in my ear…" Link told Navi.
(The Gerudo got out from under the couch and Link then looked around. The couch was placed about 10 feet away from a chair. The chair was very imperial looking. It had gold and silver and all sorts of jewels Zelda would love to have. In the chair was a Gerudo female, sitting on all sorts of comfy pillows. Link's jaw dropped. No, not because how pretty the chair was, but how pretty the Gerudo's outfit was. Now you all know what the girls wear so why even bother explaining it?)
"What business do you have here?" the female asked sternly
"I've co-come to…" Link stuttered.
"He's harmless. Throw him jail." The Gerudo lady in the chair told the other females.
(A Gerudo stepped in front of Link. Link then blushed/looked-spaced-out as the girl grabbed his arm. Navi then stole Link's Ocarina and played 'Zelda's Lullaby'. The sitting Gerudo laughed.)
"What does the King of Hyrule, who is dead, want with the Gerudo?" the sitting Gerudo laughed.
(The Gerudo holding Link let go of him. He saw a jewel in her back pocket. He knew that Zelda would love to have in her jewel collection. He slowly reached his arm out…)
"Well…um…" Navi paused, not aware of what Link was doing.
"Well, whatever. Perhaps you can explain why you have come to our lands." The sitting Gerudo told Navi, as Link's arm was almost at the jewel.
"Well, we came here to—" Navi started as Link grabbed the jewel, making the one Gerudo scream.
"EEEEEEEEEK! Ms. Rarubooru! He pitched my butt!" the Gerudo screamed, while pointing at Link accusingly, but that's not what happened at all.
"NO! I DIDN'T! There was a jewel in her—" Link started, trying to explained that he was innocent, and not completely guilty.
"SILENCE! You are going into the cell!" the sitting Gerudo (Rarubooru) yelled at Link, pointing a finger at him.
(Link was then picked up and dragged away, as he yelled/ranted on about his innocence.)
(Link was thrown into a hole and he fell into the jail cell.)
"Stupid Kid! Get in there and keep quiet!" yelled the annoyed Gerudo that apparently been the victim to Link's actions.
(Link paused.)
"You shouldn't have done that…" Navi paused.
"But I didn't! There was a jewel in her back pocket!" Link exclaimed.
"Sure there was…" Navi told Link.
(Silence.)
"Get out of here." Navi told Link.
"O.o How?" Link asked.
"There's a window right there. And you do have Hookshot…" Navi told Link.
"But it's rusty!" Link told Navi.
"I mean Longshot!" Navi told Link. "You'd think that they would be smart enough to think of taking away all your stuff…"
"O.o That's a very good point. No wonder the jail cell is empty…" Link told Navi as they got out of jail.
(Link wandered around Gerudo's Fortress systematically freeing the captured carpenters. If he ran into a purple outfitted Gerudo, he would shot her down with an arrow (shooting Gerudo's with arrows is always fun:D Especially if you shoot them lethally and they still don't die! n.n), once she would be out-cold, he would bend down and kiss her on the lips. Navi counted 1827 girls Link kissed.)
(Anyways, Link went around and found the first carpenter. The scene went somewhat like this…)
"Hey, you! Young man, over there! Look over here, inside the cell!" the guy cried out, scaring Link half to death since he didn't know that there was someone in the room at the time.
"O.O !" Link screamed while hopping into Navi's arms.
(Navi dropped Link before she got smooshed under his weight.)
"I have no idea where you come from, but you must have a lot of guts to make it past all these guards around here! All of my fellow carpenters are imprisoned somewhere in here. If you can get us out of here, we'll replay the favor somehow!" the carpenter explained.
"Hmmm…" Link pondered, because he was thinking…thoughts…
"But be careful! There are sure to be Gerudo guards somewhere around here…." The carpenter told Link.
"YAY!" Link exclaimed.
"Woo! Watch out!" the carpenter guy yelled at Link, not giving him much of a warning.
(A Gerudo in black (Men in black! Get it? …Get it? Oh never mind) dropped from the ceiling Sheik style and Link had to fight her.)
"So, hey…Are you doing anything this afternoon?" Link asked, for he was fighting a hot chick; he could tell since she was sweating quite a bit.
(The Gerudo said nothing, just breathed heavily like a fish out of water.)
"Breathing heavily you say?" Link asked. "You know what? I don't think that's very healthy you know."
"…Link?" Navi asked, looking at the so insane person she stalked.
"Recent Hyrule Magical studies conducted by the goat-man in the Lakeside Laboratory at Lake Hylia have shown that breathing heavily can actually increase the amount of stress in your life." Link stated.
(The Gerudo breathed heavily while fighting, then she wound up and did a spin attack. This was like the fifth time doing so.)
"You know, you keep winding up and launching spin attacks on me. Like I—Do you like coffee?" Link asked.
"Oy…" Navi sighed as she banged her head against the wall.
"…?" the Gerudo breathed heavily.
"I heard that coffee can really help you wind down when you're busy in the morning and all stressed out. D'you like coffee? You know, I should take you out for a cup of coffee. Are you busy?" Link asked, saying the longest paragraphs he ever spoke.
"…" Navi paused while watching this.
"Yes! I'm fighting you, -bleep- it!" the Gerudo swore Link.
"You know, I don't see why you're trying to kill me, I just want to take you out for a cup of coffee and to have you set this guy free!" Link told the Gerudo.
(Link defeated the Gerudo)
"You wish!" the Gerudo told Link as she got up from the ground.
(The Gerudo jumped up and disappeared into the ceiling, leaving behind a key. Link goes over and opens the prison cell)
"Did you come here to save me?" the carpenter asked while waving his arms in an odd way.
"Yes. We were sent by a bald guy." Link told the carpenter.
"Oh, that's just swell! I'm Ichiro the Carpenter. We were all really interested in joining their all female group but they locked us up like this just because we're men." Ichiro told Link.
"Welcome to the club." Link told Ichiro.
"You aren't even in the club!" Navi hissed, getting annoyed with Link. "You got thrown in jail because you—"
(Link stuffed Navi into his hat.)
"We don't care about the Gerudo anymore! They're so rude! Three of my fellows have also been captured so please help them escape, too!" Ichiro told Link.
(Ichiro ran out of the cell and left miraculously because somehow no one saw him leaving…)
(Link continued through the dungeon until he saw the next carpenter.)
"Hey, you! Young man, over there! Look over here, inside the cell! I have no idea where you come from, but you must have a lot of guts to make it past all these guards around here!" the carpenter told Link.
"Didn't the other one say the same thing?" Navi asked.
"Wow! Your right!" Link exclaimed.
"All of my fellow carpenters are imprisoned somewhere in here. If you can get us out of here, we'll replay the favor somehow! But be careful! There are sure to be Gerudo guards somewhere around here…. Woo! Watch out!" the carpenter told Link, again, not giving him much warning.
"Thanks for the warning, bud." Link told the carpenter, that wasn't good at warnings.
(A Gerudo fell from the sky. It was the same one!)
"Oh! It's you again! I see you still haven't wound down yet. You seem so stressed about my presence. Is there something I can do to help?" Link asked, worried about the amount of stress in a person's life, a person that just happened to want to kill him.
"Link? I don't think she wants your help…" Navi told Link.
"…" the Gerudo breathed heavily.
(The Gerudo continues to breathe heavily and ended up defeated Link.)
(Thing is (unfortunately for the Gerudo) Link came back for another round!)
"So how you been? It seems like only five minutes since I last saw you!" Link told the Gerudo, who really didn't have time for this. "Is it really necessary to keep trying to capture me? Like you must have thrown me in that prison cell about a hundred times now. If only I had Din's Fire on me, you see, Din's Fire requires one hand and it's really powerful. So you understand why I'm holding back on you." Link talked, and talked, and talked…
"Link… You do have Din's Fire. The Guards didn't take away your stuff, so you still have it…" Navi told her clueless partner.
"…" the Gerudo breathed, for this guy was a total idiot, hence the name 'Totally Messed'.
(The Gerudo launched herself at Link, but missed.)
"…Whoa, you're good sister, you're good……." Link pondered for the Gerudo wasn't really his sister, but he wasn't sure what else to call her.
"…Link, you're helpless…" Navi told Link.
"So…if you, yourself, are not interested in going out for coffee, would any of your thief sisters be interested?" Link asked.
"…I don't think that's such a good idea, Link…" Navi told Link, semi-imagining Link's date with a thief and a…something else that really jeopardizes my rating of K+…
"Hmph." The Gerudo smirked, unaware that I just called her a fruit cake."We Gerudo don't drink coffee. I'm not even sure what coffee is!"
"I don't either for that fact…" Navi told the Gerudo, for she too wasn't sure about Link was ranting on about.
"Well, it's a disgusting (to me, and my sister) brown liquid that has many different components in it and it is slightly addicting. But it causes your mind to wake up." Link explained.
"Then we Gerudos are too good for coffee!" the Gerudo told Link.
(The Gerudo defeated Link, but…)
(We know he's as stubborn as a boomerang and really wanted a date before next Saturday. So he came back, still with all of his stuff.)
"Look, I know you're so dead set on killing me, but is it really necessary?" Link asked. "To perfectly honest, I think we should just sit down peacefully and work out our differences!"
"There is one difference that you could never work out with her." Navi told Link.
"What?" Link asked, still fighting but listening to Navi.
"Your Gender differences." Navi pointed out.
"I'm a desert thief of this fortress, who's supposed to keep havoc from erupting within it. That includes keeping escaped prisoners in their cells! I think there is a perfectly good reason for us to be fighting here, mister!" the Gerudo told Link, not aware of what Link and Navi talked about few seconds before.
"Oh, I don't see why we should…" Link paused, looking at the floor droopily.
"If you're trying to make me feel bad, it's not working." The Gerudo told Link.
"Hey, you're just a hot girl who won't say yes to a date! C'mon…" Link told the Gerudo, who really didn't want to be called hot, even though she knew that she was sweating quite heavily.
"Link! I don't think she wants a date…and if you haven't picked up on that by now I think you're either just slow, or desperate!" Navi nagged at Link.
"Shush! Don't let her hear you!" Link hissed at Navi.
"So you are the Great Ganondorf's arch nemesis. Hm." The Gerudo pondered.
"So, you got a problem with that?"
"Yes I do." The Gerudo told Link.
"Well I haven't got a problem with being Ganondorf's arch nemesis! In fact I rather enjoy it because it makes everybody else happy… I don't see how you guys can accept him as a leader, like come on! The guy's a ruthless dictator and a couple of other things that I won't mention if we're going to keep this fanfic K+…" Link told The Gerudo.
(Silence.)
"…So, I'm guessing you're into dancing. You just keep circling around me… Is it a traditional dance of yours? The way you twirl your twin blades…it's just amazing!" Link ogled.
(Link defeated the Gerudo; the Gerudo jumped up into the ceiling and disappeared.)
"I'm sorry if I cut you!" Link called out to the gone Gerudo.
"…I think you did cut her, Link…" Navi told Link, pointing to something, lying lifeless on the floor.
(Link looked where Navi pointed, seeing something that horrified him. THE GERUDO'S BLOODY ARM LAY ON THE FLOOR, TWITCHING! Just kidding.)
"O.o Dude… What is that?" Link asked.
(Navi flew over and picked it up.)
"O.O HOLY DEKU SCRUB!" Navi yelled, in horror (mwahahahaha! I love adding suspense, even if it is fake).
"What is it?" Link asked again.
"It's her…" Navi told Link melodramatically.
"…Her what?" Link asked fearfully/nervously, wanting Navi to continue.
"…Ponytail…" Navi told Link.
"O.O Do you mean I just gave her a forceful haircut?" Link yelled to Navi.
"Yep." Navi told Link.
(Navi thought of something.)
"Hey Link… Could you do me a favor?" Navi asked, picking up the Gerudo's ponytail.
"Okay…" Link told Navi, not sure what he was agreeing to.
(Navi put the front of the ponytail on the back of her head, as if it was actually her hair.)
"How does this look?" Navi asked.
"O.O" Link looked. "Fairies are not meant to have hair…"
"You're a cute kid!" the carpenter told Navi then faced Link. "Thank you for coming to save me! I'm Jiro, the carpenter. These women are so scary!"
"But hot!" Link exclaimed.
"I'd rather work as a carpenter than join them!" Jiro shivered.
"O.o You are crazy…" Link told Jiro.
"I can't wait to say goodbye to this place!" Jiro exclaimed.
"Link here can wait forever!" Navi told Jiro.
"Two of my buddies are still being held prisoner. Will you please get them out, too?" Jiro asked.
(Jiro ran out of the cell, and to who knows where.)
(Link continued through the Fortress until he found another carpenter.)
"Hey, you! Young man, over there! Look over here, inside the cell! I have no idea where you come from, but you must have a lot of guts to make it past all these guards around here!" the carpenter told Link.
"O.o Dude… They are all broken records…" Link told Navi.
"No, they only say the same thing, but different things at the end." Navi explained.
"All of my fellow carpenters are imprisoned somewhere in here. If you can get us out of here, we'll replay the favor somehow! But be careful! There are sure to be Gerudo guards somewhere around here…. Woo! Watch out!" the carpenter told Link, and like the others, not giving him much warning.
(The same Gerudo fell from the sky, you could tell it was her because her hair was so short and she looked really mad.)
"O.O IT'S YOU!" The Gerudo yelled, pointing her swords towards Link, wanting to actually kill him this time.
"You know, this is starting to get annoying…. How do you know where I am all the time? You like, stalk me or something!" Link pondered, then he thought of something. "…Wait… Are you friends with the Random Owl? O O"
(Link defeated the, now short haired, Gerudo. She flew into the ceiling again.)
"Wait! Come back here? I BET YOU, SHEIK AND THE RANDOM OWL ARE ALL BEST FRIENDS! YOU ALL LIKE TO STALK ME!" Link yelled.
"…" Navi paused.
"…No we don't." Sheik said from behind a crate in the corner.
"Thanks, boy! You're fantastic!" the carpenter exclaimed.
"I RESENT THAT!" Navi protested.
"I'm Sabooro, the carpenter. Have you seen our boss, boy?"
"…Yes… Why?" Link asked, for something fishy was going on.
"He's probably worried about me! I have to get back to him immediately! One more of our workers is still a prisoner. Please save him!" Sabooro told Link.
"Um… Okay?" Link asked.
(Link continued through the Fortress until he came across the last carpenter. FINALLY!)
"Hey, you! Young man, over there! Look over here, inside the cell! I have no idea where you come from, but you must have a lot of guts to make it past all these guards around here! All of my fellow carpenters are imprisoned somewhere in here. If you can get us out of here, we'll replay the favor somehow! But be careful! There are sure to be Gerudo guards somewhere around here…. Woo! Watch out!" the guy warned, and like all the others, not giving Link enough time to react.
(The short haired Gerudo dropped down from above, like always.)
"…Look I'm getting really tired of this. Why don't you just go home and take the day off?" Link asked.
(Link defeated the short haired Gerudo)
"Consider my request!" Link yelled at the Gerudo.
(The Gerudo went into the ceiling.)
"I was afraid that you were going to forget about me! Now I'm free!" the guy told link.
"No duh…" Navi muttered, but nobody ever hears her.
"Thanks! I'm Shiro the Carpenter. For rescuing me, I'll tell you something interesting about the desert that I overheard the Gerudos talking about. They said "In order to cross the Haunted Wasteland, you'll need the Eye of Truth. The Colossus is on the far side of the wasteland…" Okay, now I'm going to go back to my tent near Gerudo Valley, so, drop by sometime. You might find something useful there! Byeee!" Shiro waved good-bye in a really girly way.
(The Gerudo that earlier was sitting in the cool chair somehow instantly appeared behind Link, scaring the pure daylight outta him.)
"I've seen your fine work. To get past the guards here, you must have good thieving skills." The Gerudo told Link, while smirking.
"Welll… Thanks!" Link exclaimed, for all he really had was good kissing skills.
"I used to think that all men, besides the great Ganondorf, were useless…but now that I've seen you, I don't think so anymore!" the Gerudo (who Navi remembered that her name was Rarubooru) told Link.
"Thanks! Would you happen to be free next Saturday?" Link asked the Gerudo.
"No… I'm not… The exalted Nabooru, our leader, put me in charge of this fortress. But Nabooru, the second-in-command to the great Ganondorf, King of the Gerudo Thieves, might be free then." Rarubooru told Link.
"Yay! Where is she?" Link asked.
"Let's see… Her headquarters are in the Spirit Temple, which is at the end of the desert. Say, you must want to become one of us, eh?" Rarubooru asked.
"YESSSSSSSS! I would love to! PLEASEEEEEEEEE!" Link told Rarubooru.
"All right, then! You're in from now on!" Rarubooru told Link.
"YAY! SCORE! WAHOOOOOOOOOOO!" Link exclaimed.
"Take this. With it, you will have free access to all the areas of the fortress!" Rarubooru told Link.
(Link got Gerudo's Membership Card! This was the ticket to the good life…)
"From now on, you're free to come and go as you please through the gate to the desert. You'll find the Spirit Temple, where the exalted Nabooru lives, out there in the desert." Rarubooru told Link, Link was still happy just to be allowed there.
(Fun fact: this Gerudo changes outfits as you do! Try it!)
(So Link walked out the door, talked to a few girls, wanting to know if they were free. But after Link got rejected 34059734905702 times (Navi kept count. Link asked some girls, several times), he then tried to talk to the Gerudo by the Gate.)
"Link, if you got rejected 34059734905702 times, I don't think this girl will be any different." Navi told Link.
"What? If she isn't free, then I'll ask her to open the Gate so I can get to Nabooru!" Link told Navi.
"Hey, rookie!" the Gerudo by the gate greeted Link.
"Hi! Are you free next Saturday?" Link asked.
"No." she replied sternly.
"34059734905703" Navi told herself, still keeping count.
"Oh. I see. Can I go into the Desert?" Link asked.
"Are you going into the desert?" the Gerudo asked.
"He just told you that?" Navi told the Gerudo.
"…I'll open this gate for you, but… you can't cross the desert unless you pass the two trials." The Gerudo warned.
"No trial is too hard to win a girl's heart—I mean…" Link paused.
"What are they?" Navi asked.
"The first trial is…the River of Sand! You can't walk across this river! After you cross it, follow the flags we've placed there." The Gerudo explained to Navi.
"That's okay, I can fly." Navi told the Gerudo.
"The second trial is…the Phantom Guide! Those without eyes who can see the truth will only find themselves returning here." The Gerudo warned.
"Yeah, so?" Link asked.
"…You are going anyway, aren't you? I won't stop you… Go ahead!" the Gerudo told Link.
(The Gerudo by the gate clapped her hands and gate opened.)
"Thank you!" Link exclaimed as he ran into the Desert.
(Link got past the River of Sand, which he just used Hover Boots to do so. Then, when he got to a building thingy, he saw a sign.)
"Haunted Wasteland
If you chase a mirage, the desert will swallow you. Only one path is true!" the sign read.
"Oh great…" Link paused.
"What?" Navi asked.
"I can't get through. I only have the Eye of Lies… I need the Eye of Truth…" Link paused.
(Awkward silence.)
"Link…"
"Yes Navi?"
"The Eye of Lies doesn't exist…"
"What's this then?"
(Link held up Eye of Truth)
"…The Eye of Truth…"
"O.O That means…"
"Yep… I lied to you."
"No, it means you aren't wearing any clothing after all!"
"- -"
(Navi then saw a sign in between Second and Third Sign)
"All those reckless enough to wander into the desert—please drop by our shop.
-Carpet Merchant" the sign said.
(Sooooooo Link walked where the sign pointed and saw a guy on a carpet; Link walked onto the carpet and talked to him.)
"Well Come!" the Carpet Merchant told Link.
"You said 'welcome' wrong…" Navi told the Merchant.
"…I am selling stuff, strange and rare, from all over the world to everybody." The Merchant bragged.
"Oooooo!" Link exclaimed.
"Today's special is… A dangerous, running object! Terrifying!" the Merchant told Link.
"What is it?" Navi asked.
"I won't tell you want it is until I see the money…." The Merchant told Navi. "How about 200 rupees?"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Not for THAT price!" Link told the Merchant, penny-pinching nature kicking in.
"Oh, that's too bad. The mark that will lead you to the Spirit Temple is the flag on the left outside the shop. If you change your mind, please come back again!" the Merchant told Link.
"…Err… Fine! I'll take it!" Link told the Merchant.
(Link paid 200 rupees (A.K.A. ALL OF HIS CASH). And got…)
"Thank you very much! What I'm selling is…Bombchu!" the Merchant exclaimed giving Link a little mouse thingy (that I think is really cute).
"That's it?" Navi asked for Link already had, like, a full bag of these things.
"The mark that will lead you to the Spirit Temple is the flag on the left outside the shop. Be seeing you!" the Merchant told Link as he flew away into the sunset, leaving Link broke.
"CHEAP!" Link yelled after the Carpet Merchant.
(Link then wore Eye of truth, to see if there was money that he couldn't see. To his surprise, he found, not money, but a ghost! But not just ANY ghost! No! This ghost was a tour guide!)
"I'll be your guide on your way, but coming back, I won't play!" the ghost told Link and Navi.
"Oh?" Link asked.
"I'll show you the only way to go, so follow me and don't be slow!" the ghost rhymed.
(After following the ghost, Link arrived at the Desert Colossus. The camera paned around and Link noticed the statue of the Sand Goddess (mwahahahahahahaha! She is explained in my other fic! 'The Fourth Piece of the Triforce'! Ahem). Link went to his right to find a crack in the wall. He blew it up and entered the Great Fairy's Fountain. DUN! DUN! DUUUUUUUUUNNNNNN! Link played 'Zelda's Lullaby' on the Triforce, and…you know what happens next…)
"Welcome Link! I am the Great Fairy of Magic and Evilness!" the Great Slutty Freak yelled/cackled.
"!" Link and Navi yelled together, for they didn't have the sour milk.
"I will give you a magic spell. Please take it." The witch told Link.
(The witch of Evilness gives you 'Nayru's Love'. …How ironic…)
"Nayru's Love is in effect for only a limited time, so use it carefully. When battle has made you weary, please come back to see me." The evil slut cackled as she disappeared once again.
(Link went into the Spirit Temple then left again, because there was nothing there! GASP! PLOT TWIST! Sheik jumped down from the stone arch thing and landed in front of Link.)
"Past, present, future… The Master Sword is a ship in which you can sail upstream and downstream through time's river… The port for that ship is in the Temple of Time…" Sheik told the two.
"Yeah? So?" Link asked.
"To restore the Desert Colossus and enter the Spirit Temple, you must travel back through time's flow… Listen to this Requiem of Spirit…This melody will lead a child back to the desert." Sheik told Link, telling him straight out how to get into the Temple's interior.
(Sheik took his harp out of the back pocket/butt/who-knows-where. Sheik then taught Link the 'Requiem of Spirit'. The Random Owl watched Link while he played back and forth between Sheik and Link. The Random owl flew off when Link and Sheik finished. Link took a step toward Sheik, and then a miracle sandstorm just happens to appear so Sheik took advantage of this and backed away into the storm.)
"At least he didn't blind you—" Navi started.
"-BEEP- IT! I GOT SAND IN MY EYES! HE WILL PAY!" Link swore.
"O.o Dude… It's not that big of a deal…" Navi told Link.
(Link then walked back, got caught in a sandstorm and randomly appeared in Gerudo Fortress. He stomped through as he worked his way to the Valley. Then, in Gerudo Valley, he talked to the bald guy, for Link needed a fellow guy to help him release stress.)
"Hey, I heard you waved my men. When they returned, we built this bridge. Look at this! Isn't this a fine bridge?" the bald guy asked.
"Yes it is…" Link grumbled.
"They may be wimpy carpenters, but once they all got together, they got the job done!" the bald guy told Link.
(Link then went to the Temple of Time, for the bald guy didn't release any of Link's stress. Then Link went to the Desert Colossus using the song Sheik taught him. Then Navi had an ONA.)
"I wonder who built the Spirit Temple, and for what purpose?" Navi asked.
"Two ONAs in one chapter?" Link asked confused, still a little mad. "The authoress really must be bored."
(Little Link entered the Spirit Temple; there were two large snake-shaped signs.)
"If you want to proceed to the past, you should return here with the pure heart of a child." The sign on the left read, Navi read it aloud.
"If you want to travel to the future, you should return here with the power of silver from the past." The sign on the right read, Navi saying it aloud too.
"O.o If you could read the signs, why didn't you do so in the future?" Link asked, for to a regular person, Link would seem like a person that escaped from an asylum.
"They were covered with rust, then." Navi told Link.
(Link went up the stairs and then to the left, where he saw…you guessed it, Nabooru. She was trying to get into a hole in the wall, much too small for her. She stood up as Link approached her and she looked at him. She was wearing a tanish-yellow tunic over her outfit.)
"I haven't seen you around, kid… What do you want?"
"To see the Temple." Link replied, for he had lost his interest in girls when he went back in time, in fact, he thought it was quite gross to be liking girls, for they had germs!
"You're just a kid! The temple is no place for kids!" Nabooru told Link.
"WHAT! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I AM—" Link protested.
"She does have a point." Navi told Link, interrupting him.
"I haven't seen you around…" Nabooru told Navi. "What do you want?"
"We're looking for the Sages!" Navi told Nabooru, for that was what they were SUPPOST to do.
"A sage? I don't know anyone like that." Nabooru told Navi. "What's a Sage?"
"Never mind…" Navi told Nabooru.
"I haven't seen you around…" Nabooru told a random killer jar, lying on the ground. "What do you want?"
"Nothing, really…" the jar replied sheepishly, while blushing; for Nabooru really was pretty!
"You have nothing to do? What good timing! Can you do me a favor?" Nabooru told the killer jar. "Wait a second, I want to ask you first—you wouldn't happen to be one of Ganondorf's … followers … would you?"
"Yeah. I am." The killer jar told Nabooru.
"Oh." Nabooru paused, for that hadn't occurred to her.
"What if I am, too?" Link asked, evilly, getting Nabooru's attention.
"Wha-ha-ha! Don't try to act cool, kid. I was just asking the jar! A kid like you could never be one of Ganondorf's followers!" Nabooru told Link.
"I hate Ganondorf!" Navi exclaimed.
"Uh-huh! You've got guts. I like you. Your cool. Personally, I could use a partner like you." Nabooru smirked. "Wanna be my partner some day?"
"And ditch Link?" Navi asked. "Sure!"
"First of all, let me introduce myself." Nabooru told the three. "I'm Nabooru of the Gerudo. I'm a lone wolf thief."
"Wait… If I join you, you won't be a lone wolf anymore!" Navi told Nabooru.
"Your too small, people won't consider you worthy so I'll still be alone." Nabooru explained.
"Oh."
"Wait. You're a thief, like Ganondorf!" Link exclaimed.
"Don't get me wrong! Though we're both thieves, I'm completely different from Ganondorf. With his followers, he stole from women and children, and he even killed people!" Nabooru exclaimed.
"I've killed people too… Say… This has been bugging me for a while now…" Link paused.
"Yes?"
"How come Ganondorf's the only guy Gerudo?" Link asked.
"A kid like you may not know this, but the Gerudo race consists only of women. Only one man is born every hundred years…" Nabooru explained. "Even though our laws say that lone male Gerudo must become King of the Gerudo, I'll never bow to such and evil man!"
"How do you keep your race going?" Link asked. "Like if there was only one guy… Wouldn't that be hard to repopulate?"
"…You don't want to know the answer to that question…" the killer jar told Link.
"Huh?" Link asked.
"Ummm… He hasn't learned about that topic yet…" Navi told the killer jar.
"Wha—?" Link asked.
"Thanks, fairy. I'll keep that in mind!" the jar chuckled.
"Eh?"
"Link… Let's just say that's the reason why the guys in Hyrule Castle Town don't want the Gerudo to come…"
(Link blinked.)
"…By the way, what are your names?" Nabooru asked the three.
"Link!"
"Navi!"
"…I don't have a name…"
"Navi! I-don't-have-a-name! Link! What kind of names are those?" Nabooru.
"I don't like it either…" Link paused.
"I think it's a great name!" Navi shouted indignantly, for she needed to defend her pretty-ful name.
"I wish I had a name…"
"I'll give you new names." Nabooru exclaimed. "Link's name will be Stinky, Navi's name will be Blabber, and I-don't-have-a-name will be named…named…named Slim!"
"…Blabber? What do you mean by Blabber?" Navi/Blabber asked, not knowing that Nabooru was naming her that for she was a Blabber Mouth.
"Stinky…" Link paused. " Did you name me that since I haven't taken a bath for my whole life (except for falling into a well full of water)?"
"Slim… Do you mean Slimy? I can be slimy at times…" the jar/Slim told everyone.
"Well…anyway… I want to ask you a favor…" Nabooru told the three. "Will you guys go through this tiny hole and get a treasure that's inside?"
"What is it?" Navi asked.
"The treasure is the Silver Gauntlets. If you equip them, you can easily push and pull very heavy things!" Nabooru explained.
"Zelda would love that!" Link exclaimed.
"No, no, no, kid! Don't even think of taking this treasure for yourself!" Nabooru told Link.
"But I wasn't…" Link muttered.
"The Silver Gauntlets won't fit a little kid like you if you try to equip them!" Nabooru explained.
"But Zelda likes…" Link tried to explain.
"I want you to be a good little boy and give them to me!" Nabooru explained.
"Because?" Navi asked.
"Ganondorf and his minions are using the Spirit Temple as a hideout. Only the Silver Gauntlets will allow me to sneak deep into the Temple. Once there, I'm going to steal all the treasure inside and mess up their plans!" Nabooru told Link.
"And give it all to Zelda! Then I'll get a promotion!" Link exclaimed.
"No! It's for Nabooru!" Navi told Link.
"I must report to—" Slim exclaimed, cackling evilly, flying towards the roof and disappearing somewhere.
"…Never saw that coming… Anyways… How about it? Will you do it?" Nabooru asked.
"Yes!" Link exclaimed.
"Thanks, kid!" Nabooru exclaimed, and then faced towards Navi. "You and I, let's give Ganondorf and his followers a big surprise, shall we?"
"Sure!" Navi exclaimed.
"What about me?" Link asked feebly.
"If you, Link, can successfully get the Silver Gauntlets… I'll do something great for you!" Nabooru told Link, giving him a little wink.
(We do not find out what the reward is in the real game, but it is explained here! In Totally Messed! Well… It's only just a theory…)
(Anyways, Link went through the Temple until he came across an Iron Knuckle, he defeated it (I love Bombchus… They work so well on those guys…Don't believe me? Try it and find out! Ahem) and exited through the door behind that battle. Link arrived outside the Spirit Temple on the hand of the statue/the-Sand-Goddess. The Random Owl was there and that was the last time Link saw him! YYYYYAAAAAYYYYY! Ahem. I'll wait until you've stopped rejoicing.)
"Hey, what's up, Link?" the random owl asked.
"O.O !" Link screamed, in pure/utter/sheer pain.
"Surprised to see me?" the random owl asked, as if nothing was wrong.
"Why do you think he's acting like this?" Navi asked. "…Stalker…"
"A long time in this world is almost nothing to you, is it? How mysterious! Even I thought that the tales of a boy who could travel back and forth through time was merely a legend." The random owl rambled.
"T.T Why me?" Link asked someone as he cried. "Why me, Din? Nayru? Farore? Amariadana?"
"O.o Amariadana? Who's she?" Navi asked..
"Ho ho ho hoo… I know who she is…" the Random Owl smirked.
"…Dude… You scare me…" Navi paused.
"…Any who, Link, you have fully matured as an adult. From now on, the future of all the people in Hyrule is on your shoulders. Maybe it's not my time anymore. Here is my last advice." The random owl ranted.
"Last? WAHOOOOOOOOO!" Link cheered.
"YIPPEE!" Navi cheered.
"…Two witches inhabit this Temple. In order destroy them, turn their own magic power against them. Hoo Hoot! Do you want to hear what I said again?"
"After all this time that I've been despising you, do you honestly think that I would say yes?" Link asked, being too smart for his kid form.
"Yes."
"Well then, no. I do not want to hear what you said again." Link replied sternly.
"Okay… I will continue to watch you… Hoo hoo hoo hoot!" the random owl told Link as he flew off.
"O.O WHAT! COME BACK HERE SO I CAN PULL ALL YOUR FEATHERS OUT!" Link yelled.
(But the random owl flew away, for the last time. Dun DUN DUUUUUUUNNNNNN! Link will never see him again! Thank Din for that! Link then opened the chest and got the Silver Gauntlets for Nabooru and then there was a cut-scene. Sand blew around Link, into his eyes and Link heard a scream.)
"Hey! Where are you taking me!" the voice screamed.
"We are going to do a makeover on you!" an elderly voice retorted.
"That's right!" another elderly voice exclaimed.
(Link looked around to try to find the source, but he had sand in his eyes, so he couldn't see.)
"Yeearggh! Nooo! Let me go!" the voice screamed again.
(Link ran to the edge of the hand (of the Sand Goddess) he stood on and looked down to where the voice came from. There he saw two witches (he could tell because they had brooms) circling Nabooru near the entrance the Temple. She was up to her waist in sand and was rapidly sinking, screaming as she went. Her tan-ish yellow/orange tunic was lying on the ground nearby.)
"You, you fiends!" Nabooru screamed as she sank lower. "If my tunic hadn't been blown off by your magic, then I could put up more of a resistance! Ganondorf's minions!"
"No!" one yelled in retort.
"We aren't his minions!" the other yelled to Nabooru.
"We're his nannies! We took care of him until he grew up!" the first explained.
"But he still calls us Grandmother." The other one explained.
"Whatever…" Navi paused, looking down on this scene.
"Nabooru!" Link cried out.
"Link! Navi! Get out of here! Now!" Nabooru yelled before she was engulfed any more. "Slim (the killer jar) warned these witches of my plans! Now they're using black magic on me!"
(And with that, Nabooru was engulfed in magic…thingy and disappeared. Her tan tunic still lying motionless in the sand. Then the witches (Koume and Kotake) flew into the sunset, but then realized that they were going the wrong way so they headed back into the Temple. Link carefully edged to the edge of the hand and looked down at Nabooru's tunic. Then he hopped down, sinking into the sand up until his knees.)
"Nabooru…" Navi paused, looking at the spot where her future partner to be was seconds before.
"Why did Nabooru say that she could put up more of a resistance if she was wearing this?" Link paused while picking up Nabooru's tunic.
(Link put the tunic on; it was too big for him.)
"Whatever, if you want to know how it works, go to the future." Navi told Link. "For then it will fit you."
"Fine, fine." Link told Navi.
(Meanwhile… In the Temple…)
"Oh dear!" Kotake paused while slapping her forehead.
"What?" Koume asked, both witches on their brooms.
"I forget to pick up Nabooru's tunic! She said it was powerful, so maybe if we take it, we'll have more power." Kotake told Koume.
"Oh yeah…" Koume paused. "I'll wear it since I'm hotter!"
"…What about me?" Kotake asked.
"You always get to do things first, so now it's my turn!" Koume explained.
"Heartless…" Kotake paused.
"Oh yeah? Well, you're forgetful since you forgot to get the tunic!" Koume told Kotake.
"Heartless!"
"Forgetful!"
(The authoress twitched. That argument sounded so much like her and SoC… On a regular basis.)
"Heartless!"
"Forgetful!"
"…Whatever, let's get the tunic for Grandson…" Kotake told Koume.
"Okay… Wait… Weren't we going to keep the tunic for ourselves?" Koume asked.
"We can discuss it later! Let's go and get it before the other Gerudo do!" Kotake told Koume.
"…Forgetful…" Koume added, getting a last insult to her sister.
(But unfortunately for the two witches, Link had already warped to the Temple of Time! But before he pulled up the Master Sword, he got some more sour milk. Then he went to the Temple of Time and pulled up the sword. He then played the 'Requiem of Spirit' to get back the Spirit Temple. Did you know that the Sand Goddess has stars on her bra? Anyways… Navi then had ANOTHER ONA attack.)
"Equip the Silver Gauntlets and try to move things you couldn't budge before!" Navi gulped, for she was choking a bit.
"Isn't there a cure for your ONA?" Link asked, annoyed.
"Well… There's some medication for it but I don't have a prescription." Navi told Link.
"Why didn't you get some?" Link asked.
"I didn't have any time. The Great Deku Tree just told me that he was dying! I couldn't just run out and get my medicine then!" Navi explained.
"Instead you crashed into my fence." Link muttered.
"I blame the bad graphics." Navi told Link.
"O.o What do you mean by bad graphics?" Link asked.
"Ummm…" Navi paused, for she never really knew why she knew about the outside world. "What happens when you put Nabooru's tunic on?"
"I forgot about that…" Link paused.
(Link put on the tunic, besides the fact that it was made for a woman's figure, it was just his size. Link's eyes bulged as he gasped for air.)
"O.O Why…do…women…have…really…thin…waists?" Link asked, as he had trouble breathing.
"It's to attract other guys, that's why…" Navi told the dying Link.
"At…times…like…this…I…wish…I…could…be…a…girl…" Link gasped.
(Then, the scariest thing happened.)
"O.o …Link?" Navi asked, in horror.
(The camera zoomed into our hero. Link had turned into the-lady-in-the-past-that-was-in-Hyrule-Castle-Market-that-always-had-an-itchy-back (we shall call her Daisy for the time being…).)
(Meanwhile… Daisy… Whereever she was…)
"!" Daisy screamed, sounding like Link when he screams.
"What is it, dear?" her husband asked, running towards the sound.
(We dare not find out what happened next… Anywho…)
"Yes Navi?" 'Link' asked, wearing Nabooru's tunic, but having Daisy's body.
"Ummm…" Navi paused. "I think I know what it does…"
"What—AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" 'Link' screamed.
"What is it?" Navi asked.
"The tunic fits me fine (for reasons unknown) but I have an itchy back!" Link screamed as he/she started to dance as he/she tried to scratch his/her back.
"…Think how your body looks." Navi told Link, who had not thought of what had happened.
(Link thought of his/her original body, and Link returned back to normal. The tunic then adjusted to Link's…measurements?)
"…Why does the tunic fit me?" Link asked Navi.
"I think I know what that tunic does…" Navi told Link.
"Then what does it do?" Link asked.
"It changes your body. If you think of a certain person/thing then you will turn into it. Let's say if you thought of Zelda…" Navi told Link as an example.
(Link thought of kid Zelda, but turned into the older one.)
"What would happen?" Link asked with, again, a feminine voice.
"You would turned into Zelda…" Navi told Link/Zelda-wannabe.
(Link looked at his/her body, he/she was wearing the same clothing (but it was too loose), but he/she had long blond hair and of all things, lipstick, on. The real Zelda shrieked somewhere in the world.)
"Eww…" Link/Zelda-wannabe paused. "I never knew lipstick felt so gross…"
"But if you think of you…" Navi continued.
(Link thought/became of his/her original self. Zelda, somewhere in the world, sighed with relief.)
"You'd turn back to normal." Navi explained.
"What if I thought of the camera-man?" Link asked, being normal right now.
"Ummm…" Navi paused.
(Link turned into the camera-man, named Louis. Link fan girls mobbed Louis (off set). From that point on, Louis's relationship with Link sank…)
"O.o …Turn back please…" Navi told Link, who looked like Louis, only wearing Link's outfit.
(Link thought of his real self. Link's face was covered with lipstick. All the Link fan girls went over to the nearest bathroom to wash their mouths out.)
"…Thank you…" Navi told Link.
"I pity Louis…" Link paused.
(I dare you to guess what happened next. Uh-huh. It was just like a last time remix…)
(Anyways… Link went through the Temple (shape shifting all the way), got mirror shield (like I said before, you gotta love Bombchus) and when he reached a room with the two witches, Twinrova. They were looking at another Iron Knuckle (time to get out those Bombchus), only better dressed. The sisters turned around.)
"Ho ho ho! Looks like someone is here, Koume." Kotake told Koume.
"Hee hee hee! It looks like it, Kotake!" Koume told Kotake. "Just like Grandson told us, a young fellow with long hair for a man his age."
"What's your name sonny?" Kotake asked.
"His name is—" Navi started, as she was about to tell their names.
"Stinky!" Link exclaimed, thinking it would be safer to use the name Nabooru gave them. "And this is Blabber!"
"Ohh." Koume paused.
"Well… Either way you are an outrageous fellow, to intrude so boldly into our temple… Ho ho ho!" Kotake told Koume, randomly giggling.
"We should teach this outrageous fellow a lesson! Hee hee hee!" Koume exclaimed.
"After we give him a serious makeover! Ho ho ho!" Kotake giggled
"Too true, sister! Hee hee hee!"
"Oh, loyal minion…" Kotake told the Knuckle, while the camera zoomed onto it.
"Kidnap this intruder on our behalf!" Koume giggled. "So we can give him a makeover!"
"Just like you!" Kotake told the Knuckle.
"So that's why this Knuckle is better dressed than the other ones…" Navi paused, but like I said, nobody ever hears what she has to say.
"And Grandson." Koume added.
"So that's why he's so bald…" Link paused, thinking of Ganondorf's hair, but Link seemed to forget about his own bald spot.
(With that, the two witches disappeared and the Iron Knuckle got up to attack, but realized that it didn't have an axe. It snapped it's fingers and a baseball bat appeared. The Iron Knuckle paused, and then threw the bat aside. It snapped its fingers again; a golf club appeared. The Iron Knuckle continued to snap its fingers, making random items appear such as a tree branch, a fishing rod, lamp stand, axe, flagpole, the short haired Gerudo's ponytail, a rather large pen, a candy cane, a random fairy's magic wand, a skeleton, a stapler, a hole-puncher, a mage's staff, a bone, a scroll, Johnny Depp, a ribbon, some rope, a wooden spoon, a rubber chicken, a trashcan, a table leg, bow and arrow, a llama, a pair leggings, a peacock feather, a sword fish, a sword, a large toothbrush, the goat man at Lake Hylia, a long cord, an icicle, a flower lei, one of the Great Witches boots, the instrument the music man used, the random owl's toenail, a pipe, a stalk of celery, and, finally, a net appeared in its hands, ready to catch Link. By now the Iron Knuckle was standing in a heap of random junk and had trouble climbing over it. Navi observed something fishy…)
"Iron Knuckle. Something's strange… This is not an ordinary enemy!" Navi exclaimed.
"No duh!" Link told Navi. "This enemy had a makeover, is surrounded by stuff it threw to the floor, having trouble getting over, and is holding a net. That wouldn't be considered regular if you asked me."
"Owww…" Johnny Depp moaned, for the Iron Knuckle had just stepped on him.
"I'm not asking you." Navi told Link. "Just use those Bombchus already."
"I ran out last battle. All I have is regular Bombs…" Link told Navi.
"Well, then, use them!" Navi yelled at Link, for he was close to getting kidnapped.
(Link defeated the Iron Knuckle with Bombs, not Bombchus (please keep in mind that both these items do work in the game, so it would be wise to use them, for SoC uses them all the time and she is practically a pro), and the armor, that looked ever so pretty, fell away revealing, the one and only, Nabooru.)
"Unnnh… Where am I…?" Nabooru asked.
"O.o This is what happened to Nabooru when the witches gave her a makeover?" Link paused, in horror.
"Dude… That was totally messed up." Navi told Link, Navi was pointing a finger at Nabooru, for this is 'Totally Messed'.
(The witches appeared, their hair was wrapped up in towels, for they had just washed it with the shampoo they made (leftovers given to Ganondorf). They were on their brooms.)
"Well, well… It looks like she's back to normal…Koume…" Kotake told Koume.
"She's just a little girl, but she commands a lot of respect among the Gerudo, Kotake." Koume told Kotake.
"Maybe we should make her work for the Grandson for a little longer! Ho ho ho!" Kotake told Koume
"Then we should give her another makeover! Hee hee hee!" Koume giggled, for she loved makeovers, like her sister.
"O.o Run!" Navi told Nabooru.
"Why?" Nabooru asked.
"Because they're going to give you a makeover!" Link warned.
(Nabooru started to run away, but the witches threw magic on Nabooru and she disappeared. Poor girl… I pity her… Why didn't they take Johnny Depp? The two witches vanished as well.)
(Then Link headed through backdoor and hopped up on the platform.)
"Makeover! Makeover!" Koume giggled.
"And a little more lipstick here…and a bit more eye shadow here… You are done!" Kotake told Koume.
"…-.o!" Link and Navi looked.
"Where's my speech? Oh… Here it is. Ahem… Look at that stupid kid! He came on his to offer himself as a sacrifice to the Great Grandson…" Koume told Link.
(Koume then rose, randomly, out of a circle of fire that appeared from the floor.)
"With my flame, I will burn off his silly little cap!" Koume exclaimed.
"NOOOO! NOT MY HAT! ANYTHING BUT MY HAT!" Link screamed in terror, but there was nothing to prevent this moment.
(Koume removed her towel to show that her hair was on fire. If I was her, then I would tell her why she kept going bald every few seconds.)
"O.o Dude…" Navi paused, looking at Koume's hair.
(Kotake rose, randomly, out of a circle of ice that also randomly appeared.)
"With my frost, I will freeze his hair!" Kotake yelled. "And with the rest of the ice, I will make sure he doesn't struggle!"
(Kotake's hair burst into—…ice? Dude… She's wiser than her sister…)
"Time to catch this silly little man!" Koume exclaimed, flying above Link.
"And do his hair!" Kotake added, also flying above Link.
(Navi saw that both witches started circling Link and then the fight for Link's hairdo began! Ding ding!)
"I shall go first!" Koume told Kotake as she started to attack Link
(Koume made a circle by her hand.)
"FEAR (whenever they scream, his is what I hear)!" Koume yelled as fire hit Link, making only his hat charcoaled.
(Link's hat burned off, bald spot glistening under the fire, but amazingly, the witches didn't even notice…YET!)
"AHHHHH! HOT! HOT!" Link screamed as he ran around in circles.
"My turn!" Kotake exclaimed.
(Kotake made a circle (like her sister's, only blue) by her hand.)
"FEAR!" Kotake exclaimed as she made ice hit Link.
(Ice covered our poor hero. Only the top of Link's head was uncovered.)
"AHHHH! COLD! COL—" Link started, he would have finished, thing is, his mouth became frozen over.
"Now…" Koume started.
"We can start…" Kotake finished.
(So, Link's doom was being fulfilled, to his dismay. He couldn't move, or struggle for that matter. As for Navi, she was…was…let's just focus on Link, okay? …Okay? Fine! Be that way! Navi had taken this chance to steal Link's Ocarina and now she was talking to Saria as if Link's Ocarina was a cell phone.)
'By the way, Navi…' Saria asked; she was barely audible to anyone but Navi. 'What's Link doing right now?'
(Navi looked over at Link, and smirked.)
"He's being meddled with…" Navi told Saria.
'What?' Saria asked. 'Meddled with? Is he okay?'
"Let's just say he's that doll you used to have, only frozen in place." Navi explained, in words that Saria could understand.
'Wait, how'd you find out about that?' Saria asked, suggesting that the fairy might have stalked her.
(We now look at Link and the two witches… They had just finished their work… Link, still frozen in place, had his hair…well…make-overed! Yeah! Ahem. Kotake had frozen Link's hair while Koume burned parts of it, making it charcoaled. In the end, Link looked a great deal like 'Horo Horo' from the anime 'Shaman King'. If you haven't watched it, there are always 'Google' images! If you don't have Google then Horo Horo, at the top of his head, are icicles and at the bottom is just plain black… but the majority of his hairdo is blue icicles. Anyways the witches chuckled.)
"Hee hee hee… Isn't our makeover great?" Koume asked.
"Ho ho ho… Yes it is!" Kotake replied.
(Koume started to circle around Link. Then she noticed something.)
"Ummm… Kotake?" Koume told her sister, as Koume lowered her broom to Kotake's level. "We have a problem."
"What?" Kotake asked Koume.
(Koume flew over to Link and pointed at his bald spot! Now I bring it up! ! Ahem. Is it just me or is everything in this chapter really long? Anyways, she pointed to his bald spot, which was a big gap in the middle of Link's hair of blue spikes.)
"Hmmmm…" Kotake paused, then got an idea. "I know what to do!"
(Kotake made a large icicle and put it on top of his hair, point pointing upwards. Link (but he couldn't for his mouth was frozen over) got a violent urge to scream, for it was really cold.)
"There." Kotake chuckled.
(Koume pulled up a mirror and showed it to Link, who looked like Horo Horo, with a giant icicle sticking up from the rest.)
"What do ya think?" Koume asked Link.
(Link's eyes widened in terror. He liked his hot self! And he also liked his cap. Link turned red with rage and somehow broke out of the ice he was in. Then he started beating the crap out of the two twins.)
"WHAT…HAVE…YOU…DONE…TO…MY…HAIR?" Link yelled in rage, not remembering that he was wearing Nabooru's tunic (it is called the Spirit/Sand Tunic, you can buy it from the magic carpet man after you save/watch the Great Deku Tree die. Actually, I dunno. But hey, it's cool! Right?). "WHY…DON'T…YOU…EVER…DO…YOUR…OWN…HAIR?"
"We already did! How do you think we got this pretty?" Koume asked.
"But then again… Sister, you need a new look and I probably do too. We'll do our own hair once we finish with him." Kotake told Koume. "Okay?"
"Okay!" Koume exclaimed.
(Link beat them to the halfway point and the witches started to mutter amongst themselves, but they were going deaf so they yelled it to each other.)
"Okay, let's get serious, Kotake!" Koume yelled to her sister.
"WHAT?" Kotake asked.
"I SAID: LET'S GET SERIOUS, KOTAKE!" Koume yelled louder.
"OH, OKAY, KOUME!" Kotake yelled to Koume.
"O.o Dude…" Link paused as Navi got of the Ocarina of Time.
"They remind me of Ingo…" Navi muttered as she flew over to Link.
"KOUME AND KOTAKE DOULBE DYNAMIC MAKEOVER ATTACK!" Koume and Kotake yelled while they held hands, doing the ultimate makeover.
(They somehow morphed into an ugly younger looking witch. Who, like the Sand Goddess, had stars on her bra. And she winked at Link, even though, if I was that ugly (or maybe I am? Gasp) then I wouldn't wink at Link, especially if I was sixteen feet tall.)
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! So ugly!" Link screamed as he held up mirror shield to protect him from the double witch combined.
(We shall now call the double witch: Kotame. Anyways, Link had no idea how to beat Kotame so he just held up mirror shield. Link had no idea what he had to do so Navi had to take his sword and bash up Kotame whenever she could. When the battle had no actual signs of ending, Navi pulled out the sour milk. Just the sight of the milk made Kotame's hair evaporate into nothing. Kotame screamed in horror and split up again into Koume and Kotake.)
"Shoot, what a fresh kid! This time, we'll get serious, right Kotake?" Koume asked.
"Didn't we already get serious?" Kotake asked.
"Whatever!" Koume hissed.
(Link noticed that Koume had a halo above her head.)
"Koume has a halo above her head." Link pointed out.
"What? Hey Koume what's that above your head?" Kotake asked oddly.
(Kotake observed Koume's halo.)
"I don't know, but you have one over your head too Kotake!" Koume exclaimed observing the halo above Kotake head.
"Don't those only appear above dead things that go to heaven?" Navi asked Link.
(The authoress blushed as she changed it to devil horns and a tail, both red.)
"No! Put it back!" Kotake yelled.
"We looked prettier that way!" Koume protested. "It's the ultimate dead fashion!"
(Then it clicked to the two witches. They had just died!)
"…But I'm only 400 years old!" Kotake yelled, at nothing in particular.
"And I'm just 380 years old!" Koume yelled, also at nothing in particular.
"O.o How can anyone last that long?" Link asked.
"Must be their makeovers." Navi pondered, but she was WRONG!
(It was their potions that made them last. Every twenty years or so, they drink their own youth potion, but every time they drank it, they looked uglier. That's how they got obsessed with makeovers. But back to our dead people…)
"We're twins! Don't lie about your age!" Kotake yelled at her sister, having a good point.
"You must have gone senile!" Koume yelled back, both of them facing each other.
"Who are you calling senile! Is that any way to treat your older sister?" Kotake yelled in rage.
"We're twins! How can you be older!" Koume yelled, for she also had a good point.
"Looks like the authoress ditched the deaf thing." Link told Navi.
"Yep." Navi told Link.
(The authoress looked blank. Back to the witches…)
"Kyaaaaahhhhh! How heartless you are!" Kotake yelled.
"How can you be so ungrateful?" Koume asked.
"You're heartless!" Kotake hissed.
"You're ungrateful…" Koume told her sister.
(Koume and Kotake stopped and started to float (since this is Totally Messed) downwards. Koume and Kotake screeched, for they didn't want to die.)
"We'll do our hair in -beep-!" the both exclaimed together.
(Link, still shaken from the events that happened, warped to the Chamber of Sages where Nabooru appeared before him. Surprise! Surprise! She was un-make-overed and looked like she did seven years ago.)
"Kid, let me thank you. Heh heh heh heh…" Nabooru chuckled.
"Awww… Thanks honey!" Link exclaimed, still having Horo Horo hair.
"O.O What happened to you?" Nabooru asked Link, looking horrified.
(Link forgot that he still had the Horo Horo hairdo.)
"You still are wearing the tunic, you know." Navi told Link, hinting that he could change back to his original self.
(Link thought of his original self and changed back.)
"O.o Wow. Look what a little kid has become in the past seven years—a competent swordsman!" Nabooru paused, looking at Link's real body.
"THAT'S IT!" Navi yelled. "WHENEVER I DO ALL THE HARD WORK, NOBODY EVER THANKS ME! WHY IS IT THAT I NEVER GET ANY CREDIT?"
"O.O" Link and Nabooru looked. "I'm…sorry…"
"That's better." Navi snapped at the two.
"By the way… I really messed up… I was brainwashed by those old makeover obsessed witches and used by Ganondorf to do his evil will… But isn't it funny?" Nabooru asked.
"O.O No it isn't! I pity you! I only got one makeover and you had two! I feel sorry for you." Link told Nabooru while walking over to her and patting her on the shoulder.
"Could you let me finish?" Nabooru asked.
"Okay." Link told Nabooru.
"What I was saying is that wasn't it funny that a person like me could turn out to be the Sage of Spirit?" Nabooru explained.
"It's still not really that funny." Navi told Nabooru, but no one ever hears her little voice.
"And now, I am going to fight them as one of the Six Sages! Heh heh… I'm going to pay them back for what they did to me!" Nabooru told Link.
"That makes sense." Link told Nabooru.
"Kid…no…Link, the Hero of Time!" Nabooru exclaimed.
"Yes?" Link asked.
"Instead of keeping the promise I made back then, I'll give you this Medallion!" Nabooru exclaimed. "Take it!"
(Link received the Spirit Medallion! Wait… How come it's see through?)
"If only I knew you would become such a handsome man… I should have kept the promise I made back then… On second thought, maybe I will!" Nabooru's voice on the voice exclaimed, bringing Link back.
(Link came back to the Chamber of the Sages. Nabooru then walked over and kissed him on the cheek. Link turned bright auburn (I don't know how it works either) and he started walking around the base of the Triforce thingy as if he was drunk. Somehow, in all its power, the Triforce Link stood on magically slid over to the edge of the platform. Doing this, Link fell off the platform in the Chamber of the Sages. Nabooru looked over the edge and watched Link fall into the vortex. Rauru was randomly standing beside her, looking over the edge.)
"Where does that go to?" Nabooru asked.
"100 years into the past." Rauru replied. "Back when I was 47595940…"
"Is there anyways to get him back?" Nabooru asked.
"Link has the Ocarina of Time, the item that would make bringing him back possible." Rauru told Nabooru.
"Isn't there another way?" Nabooru asked.
"Yes there is." Rauru told Nabooru.
"How?"
"If a Sage jumps in after him, the Sage and the Hero will switch and the Hero will land on the Triforce over there." Rauru pointed to the center of the Chamber, but the Triforce wasn't there.
"What about the sage?" Nabooru asked.
"She will go to the past." Rauru told Nabooru, hinting that Nabooru had to go down.
(Nabooru paused. She did want Link to get revenge on Ganondorf, but she would like to see it. She looked at Rauru, who gestured for her to go down. He was a sage too… Nabooru put her hand on his shoulder and PUSHED him OFF the EDGE.)
(Link then has a vision, in which Nabooru appeared to him.)
"Link, the hero! Finally, all of us, the Six Sages, have been awakened!" Nabooru exclaimed with a bit of attitude.
"Really? Isn't there a seventh one?" Link asked.
"You shouldn't know that…" Nabooru told Link.
"Oh. Okay." Link told Nabooru.
"The time for the final showdown with the King of Evil has come!" Nabooru cheered. "I wish Saria hadn't stolen my popcorn…"
"Why?" Navi asked, for she wanted to know if Saria stole her popcorn due to the fact that Saria didn't want Nabooru to be eating something made of plants.
"Because Saria said that some person named Ivan stole her marshmallows." Nabooru explained.
"…" Link paused.
"Silly Ivan…" Navi muttered to herself, smirking.
"But before I get my popcorn back, you should meet Sheik, who is waiting for you. Sheik is waiting for you at the Temple of Time." Nabooru told Link, not adding any suspense that Rauru would.
"Where's Rauru?" Link asked, for if I recall, Rauru was suppost to say this junk.
"Ummm… He…went to get pizza! Yeah! Pizza!" Nabooru exclaimed.
"Sure he did…" Navi muttered, but no one ever hears Navi.
(Link was unceremoniously dumped on the warping platform at the Desert Colossus. He then proceeded to the Temple of Time. He could have walked, but he knew that warping there was faster. When he arrived…)
Cherry-sama: CLIFFHANGER!
Link: We all know what happens…
Cherry-sama: (mopes in corner)
Navi: Cherry-sama would like to say that the order of the chapters, after she's done the fic, is
1. Epilogue
2. Deleted Scenes
3. Bloopers
4. Dark Link and Ruto's wedding
5. Credits
Saria: In the Epilogue there are, at the end, random facts about Totally Messed, including how long each chapter was before publishing. In the Bloopers will be a Bonus Blooper that is for the wedding.
Link: How come Saria and Navi are talking about the future chapters a lot lately?
Cherry-sama: I dunno.
Saria and Navi: Any questions?
Link: (raises hand)
Saria: Yes?
Link: How come you and Navi keep talking about Cherry-sama's future chapters?
Navi: …NEXT!
Saria: Please review…