The Leroy in the Tower
(as written by Jacques Von Hamsterviel)
Once upon a time, long, long, ago, well before you were a little child, there was an island kingdom full of fools. Two such fools were married. They were really ugly. I mean ugly! The husband was a big purple dolt with no brains and the wife was a green beanpole with even less.(She was actually a man but don't ask me. I don't understand it. I just know he's the only person dumb enough to hang out with that loser because he simply has nothing better to do.)
But, they lived beside the estate of a wealthy and noble wizard known only as The Masterful Master of All Things Mastered. They did not like him very much because they knew they could never compare favorably to him in any way. But they were sort of lonely, and too dumb to make babies the normal way (not to mention that very idea gives me the creeps), so the husband took to making illegal experimental children (with the intent of destroying the world!)
Of course, The Masterful Wizard wanted one. The first one, in fact! For that would surely be the best one to improve upon, in order to show how masterful he was. When he realized they were borrowing more money than he wanted to fund the experiment with, as well as taking an awfully long time in the process, he ran over there right quick and knocked on their door! He tapped his foot a few times and still no answer. Then he screamed and shouted! But they were obviously deaf, so he slipped in through the dog door.
"HEY! Give me one of your experiments," the now very annoyed master yelled, when he found them sitting in the kitchen (and eating breakfast that had been bought with his funding), "I know you have them around here somewhere."
The husband looked at the wife, with all four eyes blinking, and the wife blinked one eye back, because that was all she had.
"Why did we offer to take these roles for him again? Memory is in need of refreshing," the husband murmured, as if the master could not hear him.
"I didn't think we did! I thought we told him no," the wife answered.
"SHUT UP, SHUT UP!" the master yelled, "You are ruining my plot! Just do what I say!"
"But Stitch is with Lilo at hula practice," the wife said, while readjusting her wig, "We're fresh out of monsters right now."
At that precise moment, a light blue experiment, with a head that was shaped like a leaf, peered around the corner and opened her mouth wide. She screamed so loudly that everyone winced!
The master tugged his long, beautiful, white ears down and gritted his stunning teeth. Then he waved his pointy wand at all of them. The ugly little female experiment was smart and ran back into the hall but the married couple sat there stupidly, like stupid lumps on a stupid log.
"No, no! I don't want that one! Just put your hand in that cardboard box and give me what is in there! Chop chop!" the master said, "Or I will dispose of you with my extremely powerful magic wand of magnificent might!"
"Whoa! Where did that come from?" the wife asked, not having seen the cardboard box that had been dragged in earlier (while they were all sleeping. And clearly they had been sleep-walking, sleep-cooking, and sleep-eating, if she hadn't noticed it until just then!)
The husband laughed and said, "I thought this story had a witch in it. Are you fairy godmother instead? You are following weird Earth lady's narrating style and making up story as you go?"
"NO!" the master snapped, stunned at such pathetic insults, "I am a powerful, masterful wizard who has mastered awesome powers! Now reach into the box or I will POKE you like you have never been poked before!"
The wife sighed and looked at the large cardboard box that was sitting near the refrigerator. She pushed her chair away from the table and walked over on her ugly, awkward legs. When she peered into the box, she smiled and clasped her hands together over how absolutely adorable the experiment, that was inside of it, was.
"Awww... They're kind of sweet looking when they're sleeping. Almost makes you forget how vicious they are. Especially him," she said.
"Asleep? On the job!" the master griped, "Don't let him sleep! We still have several more scenes to do."
The wife stuck both her tongues out at the master, so insolently as to be galling, and then reached into the box with both skinny, noodle-like arms. She tugged and pulled. Then she braced one of her three legs up against the box and tried tugging and pulling harder. When she stopped, she panted and wiped her brow under the wig, and turned to her husband, both hands on her hips.
"I can't pick him up! He's too heavy," the wife said.
"He must have had a full meal," the husband noted as he pushed the chair away from his clumsy, fat body and shuffled over to the box, "Let me try."
The master crossed his arms over his chest, the magic wand glinting as he tapped it against his shoulder while his justifiable impatience grew!
The husband huffed and puffed but eventually he yanked the little monster out, knocking himself and the wife over in the process. They all hit the floor with a loud thump and the red, fluffy beast jerked awake just quickly enough to jump to his feet before he landed. Promptly alert, he began looking around to find what he thought was the source of a miserably failed attacking attempt. When he noticed the couple sprawled on the floor, he chuckled darkly. Then he turned his head and noticed his future masterful master of a wizardly commander.
"Hah hah! There you are, you star of the show you. (Though you are only second to me.) You are now mine, because I OWN you and I told them to make you for me. I shall call you ... LEROY."
"Isn't that his name already?" the wife asked, in a squeaky voice, as she tried extracting herself from her very heavy husband. Like good little comic relief, they fumbled a lot before they finally managed to become no longer tangled and were able to stand up again.
The master wizard laughed and explained, "YES! And it is a very good name! Instead of the baby, at the beginning of the story, the prince shall have a plant-related name. Now... ...Leroy! Stop licking that!"
Leroy looked up from where he crouched on the kitchen floor, a few feet away. He growled but obediently stopped in the midst of what he was doing. He then stood up and waited for his next orders. The masterful master wizard told him to come along. And the two went on their merry, and very interesting, way.
Leroy lived with his master for many years. But after the last chewed up armoire, full of handsome red capes (that also became chewed up in the process), the master wizard decided to lock his minion, er, child up in a tower. To keep him safe from himself! (And to stop him from eating more of that very expensive furniture, that did not come at all cheaply.)
The wizard would visit him daily. As the tower ingeniously had no door or stairs, and only one window near the roof, the minion would simply run down the tower, pick up his master, and carry him up into the tower for some quality time.
"Stop that knitting! You don't even wear socks," the master wizard snapped, when he saw his minion sitting on the windowsill one day. The minion looked down and then went back to his knitting, mumbling under his breath something like 'knit one, purl two'.
The master wizard pointed up, and then down at the ground beside him, as he yelled, "I said carry me up there, you moron (who is too stupid to know when he is being spoken to!) Get down here, right now!"
Leroy grunted but did as he was told, finally! The masterful master of a wizard gave him a nice long lecture, on the importance of listening to his master like a good little minion! And by the time he was done with his masterful speech, visiting hours were over. So he bonked his minion over the head and made him carry his master back down. After the master had summoned his ingeniously magical carriage and left, to go eat a magnificent banquet dinner being held in his honor, the minion began picking his nose with his tongue, out of boredom. And because he liked picking his nose.
It just so happened, by a great and troubling coincidence, that that very same day a handsome... er beautiful prince happened to be riding through that very same forest, on a fat little pony. The pony had a long, glittery mane and tail, that flailed about like streamers in a very strong and dramatic wind. The pink antenna of the prince flowed behind her in a similar stream of beauty, making her look even more stunning than usual. Ah, yes. The prince was actually a female experiment... but that didn't stop her from being a prince!
His... her name was Utena! Prince Utena Angel Maria Oscar Von Pelekai the Third, to be exact. But Utena for short (because I'm not typing such a long and stupid name more than once! I swear, it was all her idea! She talked me into it, by giving me a very tasty pot of flowering begonia. Some genus that I don't presently recall... Bah! I am being distracted with useless prattling. Back to the story! NOW.)
This prince was searching for the ends of the world. Or something. How she got stuck on a tiny island, in the middle of the ocean, I don't know. But I'm guessing that had something to do with it. I don't actually care. I just know you fickle kids like the Japanese animation, so there you go!
Anyway, the prince Utena stopped in the meadow of exquisitely blooming roses, that were growing beside the tower, and decided to sing, while practicing her fencing, because that's pretty amazing when you think about it. It's not easy keeping on key if you're lunging and dodging and... she was doing all of that! With her shadow. She was shadow-fencing at the time.
After the masterful master wizard had left, Leroy suddenly pricked one of his long and useful ears, as the beautiful tone reached him high up in the tower. Suddenly, he became sweet, gentle, and mild! Oh, it was horrible. Wait, no. Leroy was immune to that effect. Mwahahaha!
So he shrugged instead, climbed down the tower, and decided to uncover more fantastic purple prose because he didn't have anything better to do. That tower had all the amenities but it was probably more boring than that little pain-in-the-patookie Earth girl, when she talked to him about the importance of love and being good. Ick!
When Leroy saw the prince leaping about, waving a pointy sword in graceful arcs, and doing handstands as the music swelled in the background, he began rubbing his eyes. Then he stared at her further, as she did a little pirouette and sliced a single rose off of its stem; which she picked up, smelled, and then placed in the button-hole of her trim and expertly tailored uniform. Yes, she was just that awesome! In this story... where these scenes took an awful lot of cuts, special effects, and takes. Don't ask her to do that in your story! I will be very, very angry and I shall never speak to you again.
Leroy, now very eager to make the acquaintance of the prince, rushed over and threw his arms around her neck for a hug. The prince blinked and then somehow managed to push him away, her mouth curled into a sneer and her teeth bared.
"NOT BOOJIBOO!" she cried. Then she crossed her arms over her chest and held her chin up very, very high!
Leroy growled in rage! The prince growled in rage! ... It became a pointless growling match so I poked at them both with a rake! (From the bushes... I'm not in this scene. I TOLD him to look like Stitch, before he ran down there, but he was too stupid to listen.) So finally, Leroy scratched his head and tried to reason with her in that... freaky stupid language that Jumba taught them all. What was he thinking? I hate translating!
After some consideration, the prince purred. She reached over and placed her hand lightly upon his chest. Just as Leroy looked down to see her short, elegant claws scraping idly through his red fur, he saw her sharply dig them in further and felt a nasty, wrenching sensation as a white, hot light burst from his innards! That must be really awful. And it got worse when she pulled a second, but even cooler looking, fencing sword from out of his body! Ouch... I hope that wasn't his spine. No, he seems okay. Not all wobbly and limp, like a doll made of rags. If he did, I might have to rename him. Raggedy Leroy or... something. Okay, we continue!
The prince looked at the new sword in her hand and obviously approved of it, for the next thing she said was, "This make good boojiboo."
Leroy was naturally stunned. How often does that happen in a lifetime? It's physically impossible! I mean, I went over the charts and the theories. But it looks really, really cool, so we'll stick with that. Leroy blinked and caught the first fencing sword by the handle, when she tossed it to him. He snarled loudly and mimicked her position exactly, when she took a more guarded fencing stance. Then they fought! Oh, it was an awesome fight. There were flowers being torn up everywhere and petals blowing in the ever present, dramatic breeze. There were leaps and bounds. Lots of flashy swiping and sweeping and jabbing with the pointy ends of things. It was magnificent.
After awhile, they simply stood facing one another. The prince was panting heavily, for she had not found such a worthy opponent... until now! She was so impressed, that when Leroy began asking where she had learned such talented talents, she told him. It was at the prince academy! Leroy quickly expressed his desire to go there, but then thought better about pissing off his amazing leader. Instead, he talked the prince into giving him further fencing lessons.
So that was what they did. The masterful wizard of mastering magic didn't learn about it until later, because he had more important things to worry about than Leroy. Like an expensive pedicure, finding magical cloak-clasping amulets in the shape of an H, and discovering a way to get rid of the weevils in his garden. That's a lot of work.
But one day, Leroy said something really stupid. It was inevitable, really, but I was still very, very angry. So was Leroy.
"Prince less annoying than you," he said, while crawling up the tower wall.
At the time, the master was riding upon his back, as if Leroy were a common beast of burden. He was holding onto Leroy's large, tapering ears as if they were a set of reigns. And he nearly lost his grip, due to a fit of rage, when he heard what his minion had said.
"WHAT? How dare you compare me to some singer that had a clear case of identity crisis (for a little while), before remembering who he was a few albums later! I am docking your pay! And since you don't get paid, that puts you at a negative. Give me some cash!" the master said loudly, and rather directly, into Leroy's ears.
Leroy growled and said, "Stupid-head!"
"You will begin shutting up right now!" the master cried, "You bring me some money this instant or I won't let you go home!"
"Tower sucks," Leroy snapped, "Don't care."
Then he unceremoniously dropped his magnificent master of a wizard into thin air! As Leroy crawled off down the tower, and tore across the field at a fast clip, the master used his magic wand to summon a little cloud of puffy catching goodness (to soften his fall and keep him from hitting the ground in a less than graceful manner, that would not at all be fitting for someone as magnificent as himself.) The master screamed and raged, justifiably so, while he watched Leroy running away. He cursed Leroy's name several times, using some very naughty words which were completely applicable and utterly accurate!
He fumed and fumed but he waited right there, to see if Leroy would come back. Then he would demand his money again! But the hours passed and he grew sleepy. When night began to fall, he was surprised to hear a beautiful voice drifting upon the twilight breeze, in a dreamy manner that was very reminiscent of something that came from a dream. He turned to look towards the pink and gold streaked west, where the sun was setting as it always does, and who should he see? It was the prince! She was riding along the path on her adorable, appropriately scaled pony, singing as she went.
When she saw the magnificent wizard, curled up on a magical cloud (that hovered at the foot of the tower), she pulled on the pony's reigns and it halted with a graceful rearing motion, before settling down.
"Who you?" the prince asked, looking at the wizard with clear interest. Obviously she had noticed how handsome he was.
"I am the masterful master wizard of all that is magnificent! And I own this tower. What are you doing in the middle of nowhere, you clearly royal personage, you?" the wizard asked.
The prince blinked and then looked at her fingernails as she said proudly, "Fencing."
The wizard arched an eyebrow at such a seemingly random reply and asked, "WHAT? Why? Who would you even fence WITH? There is no one here but ME."
The prince stared at the wizard and answered, "Leroy. You 'member Leroy, ih?"
"WHAT? That good-for-nothing... now I am docking his pay FURTHER! And you! I am feeling the urge to vent!" the wizard cried, "Make yourself ready for a lot of nasty venting!"
With that, the epic battle of the century was engaged. The prince gave an angry yell, as she leapt from her pony, just barely dodging the wizard's attack as the cloud swooped in. A ball of awesome-colored energy glanced across where her head had been and frightened the pony so badly it ran away and was never seen again. (Drat! I still had a deposit on that pony.)
The prince drew her more ordinary, but admirably filigreed, fencing sword and held it ready. The magical fencing sword of awesomeness was apparently put back into Leroy's body after every match. I hope that hurts.
Across the field of roses, the prince and the master met, again and again! The sword clashed with the wand, but the wand was mightier than the sword! Though the prince was able to avoid some of the most magnificent spells ever mastered, which transformed the very air around them into crackling sheer might and power, she could not continue dodging forever! Eventually, the wizard tripped her with a rake (which he summoned out of thin air) and then poked her in both eyes with the pointy end of his wand, while she was trying to get back up.
The prince yelped and covered her aching, almond-shaped eyes with her petite hands. She rubbed at them and cried crystal clear tears of salty water, that streamed down her cheeks, leaving her eyes red and further irritated. She sniffled, as copious amounts of snot welled up in her overly large, lavender-colored nose, from whence it began to leak in a very obvious and obnoxiously disgusting manner.
"NOT FAIR! Cheater!" she exclaimed and ran off, refusing to play with him anymore.
The masterful wizard shook his fists in triumph and laughed, "HAH! I got you! YES. I still am the supreme duelist of dueling. No one can defeat me!"
Then some weird, spiky-haired kid, wearing an ugly yellow and orange cat-suit, showed up and held out a colorful looking card. It looked like someone had eaten several different jars of paint and then thrown up on it. Maybe Leroy. He drinks paint sometimes.
"I choose you, Gerbil-poo!" the weird boy cried.
"Get lost! I cut you from the script, remember?" the master said, "And I am HAMSTER-like! That would be Hamster... ew. That is a disgusting name. Leave my presence this instant!"
The boy sniffled and wandered off, hanging his head low as he mumbled, "Aww..."
So, the prince wandered for days, unable to see anything (because of tears and nasty poking to the soft, tender, squishy, ocular region of her anatomy.) At long last, she stumbled upon Leroy. When he looked up from his double-shot, skim, mocha latte, he noticed his old fencing partner walking across the cafe's patio dining area. HEY. He found some money somewhere! (Or else he stole it.) He better get me one of those drinks later or he will get a very painful poking as well!
Leroy stared at the bedraggled prince, who had been walking through mud, rain, and those little plants that leave prickly-seed-things in clothing (which is nature's way of telling anyone who walks by that they are a dork.) He didn't recognize her at first, because she smelled rather bad. Her fur, and uniform, were both so encrusted, and stained, with various elements that he could barely tell she was pink. Her antenna were plastered to her back and she kept her face covered with her hands. She looked as if all her confidence had been hopelessly shattered.
Then she let out a wail of anguish, so melodic and heart-stopping, that he knew who she was! He crushed his drink in his hand by mistake, such joy did he feel upon being reunited. He ran across the yard and when he came close, she lifted her head blindly at the sound of his pattering, claw-scrabbling footsteps. He stood near her and, while grinning a very broad grin across his fat, ugly head, licked her right across the face!
His slobber was so magical (from being around the masterful master of sorcerous wizards, for many years) and full of phlegm, that it instantly cleared up her tears and healed her obnoxiously lovely eyes, which she batted at him in surprise, now that she could see again. Then she hugged her friend and both rotten experiments gave a wide berth to that tower ever after (because they knew the master wizard of all wizards was just too much for them to contend with.)
They, however, did not GIVE birth to anything because that idea is just too frightening to consider. I mean, imagine it! Horribly EVIL little babies with the ability to destroy the world! Does that not frighten you? Well, it frightens me and this is my story. And all of it is true! I was there and I directed it. Now go away and never trouble me for another story again. I do not have enough time in the day to devote my attention to such minuscule and unimportant creatures, such as yourselves.
Fini!