A/N: Disclaimer: Refer back to Chapter 1.
WARNING: SEMI-AU, OOC, LANGUAGE
Chapter 3: Chickening Out
Heat watched her go with curious and softened eyes. He understood her better now. And because of that understanding, he allowed himself to smile.
She was as loyal and dedicated to him as he was to her…Wasn't she?
He looked down on his blanket and massaged the back of his head before cracking his neck bones and tilting his head from side to side.
Well, that felt better.
He blinked and thought again of Sera.
This time, he allowed himself to look at her; to gaze at her for who she really was. He didn't allow himself to see her as a child who needed protection…He didn't allow himself to look at her as if she were a substandard soldier either…
He just…
He just saw her as per who she really was…
A woman.
A woman whom he longed to hold…to touch. He gritted his teeth in annoyance. She was his friend. Why was he thinking of such things…!?
'Damn it! You asked me to think of her didn't you?! To think of what I really saw right?! Well, this is it!' he shouted at himself.
At that moment, no thoughts of protest echoed in his mind. He smiled and nodded in satisfaction. It just meant one thing.
His mind and heart were made up.
He wanted her…
He wanted more from her than her friendship.
He looked to his left and saw his glass of water from his bedstead. He grabbed it in his hands and drank all of its contents. He looked at the now empty glass and considered having Sera come and retrieve it but decided against it.
He already was a freak of nature as it was.
He nodded and stood up; stifling a groan threatening to erupt from his throat. Damn. It still hurt. He had probably fallen on the floor and hit his head when he collapsed. Yeah. That was probably it.
Well, regardless of that, he and Sera needed to talk.
With the glass in hand, he followed her into the kitchen.
xxxxx
Sera wiped her hands dry as she finished washing his dishes. Needless to say that she was happy…
In all the while that she had spent with Heat, she had never felt closer to him than she did a few moments prior.
They had not exchanged a lot of words and had even come to a sort of argument, but she can neither conceal nor refute the fact that she and he had felt something special within those few minutes…
They may not have said much to one another, but the feeling, that warm feeling was present. It engulfed them both…And to some degree, disturbed them.
She frowned at that.
She could feel the apprehension that he was feeling all those minutes ago…She felt saddened at that knowledge. Why? It was because…
'He's confused…He…He doesn't know what…what I am to him…Not really…' she thought to herself, grasping the edge of the sink tightly in her hands with furrowed eyebrows.
She could feel the bemusement practically oozing from him as he continued to let himself be fed…Yes. She wasn't blind…
But at that moment, she thought that she could ignore it. She thought that maybe he would start to remember…
But now, being alone, and with funny thoughts like these plaguing her mind, playing tricks on her, she wasn't so sure.
She stifled a gasp however as she suddenly felt another presence at the vicinity. She sharply turned around and saw Heat standing by the doorway, holding his empty glass. Her eyes glued them selves to his aforesaid glass, turning sharply away from his piercing red pools.
"I…I'll take that Heat." she told him gingerly, masking her feelings of sudden anxiety and nervousness.
Heat watched her as she walked closer to him, wordless. He had been watching her for the last minute as she stood by the sink, completely still. He knew that she was thinking of something big. He had wanted to ask her as to what was the matter but he found himself transfixed on her…
He could see only the profile of her face and yet…from that angle, he could see the sadness in her…
He felt his chest constrict then and his gut tie itself in a knot. He had felt the overwhelming feeling of curiosity as to what had caused her sudden feeling of melancholy.
And for some reason, he felt that it was because of him…
And because of that, he hated himself just a little bit more than he already did. Yes. He hated himself. He hated himself for failing to be acknowledged by her. He hated himself for collapsing atop that tower. He hated himself for being weak.
That was why he just remained standing there…watching her.
Until she came to know of his presence…
He blinked as her fingers brushed by his as she retrieved the glass from his hand. He didn't know why, but her touch had felt strange to him…
It was as if it had been the first time that they had touched; ever. Being friends for a long time and being comrades in arms, touch between them was as normal as a gun was to a soldier.
But for some reason, here and now, her touch seemed different…It seemed to contain…so much more…
He looked at her face and aimed his sights on her eyes. He had expected that she would look at him…
And look, she did.
Time froze for the two as they found themselves locked in one another's gazes…
Sera's heart raced as her body ached and tingled in pregnant anticipation…Anticipation…? For what…?
For his touch…
Her blood coursed through her veins in sheer fury as they inevitably drew closer to one another…
Heat didn't know what she was doing to him…but whatever it was, it had gotten a strong lock on him. He couldn't move…Or should he say, he couldn't move away. Hot blood surged through him like a runaway freight train bound straight to hell.
In that moment, he neither knew nor cared that she was his friend.
In that moment, he was a man…and she was a woman.
No more and no less…
A second later…their suffering bodies and their aching souls had been reunited in the form of a chaste kiss.
Heat felt his world became hazy…his room becoming obscured…Out of sight…completely. All that mattered was the woman whom he held in his arms.
As he held her…and continued to kiss her, nothing in the world mattered; nothing in the world existed with the exception of she and he.
And within her arms, he found that special something…that small, tiny something that he had deemed missing from his life.
He still didn't know what it was that he was missing; he could still not find any words for it…or find any label that would suffice for it…But whatever it might be, he knew and felt that Sera filled that empty void.
His arms went around her tiny waist pulling her closer to him. He had been almost afraid a second prior that she might refuse him and reject him…
But to his half surprise and half expectance, she did not pull away. Instead, she leaned in closer to him and responded to his kiss eagerly…amorously…
Her lips caressed his in the most gentlest and meekest of fashions that his knees began to buckle. She was so cute…Even in the face of intimacy, her modesty had been preserved…
Soon, he took a bold step and deepened their kiss. Again, his fears had been all for naught as she had met him stroke per stroke…Never hesitating, never hiding.
A moment later, the two awoke from their dream…
Sera pulled away, her hand over her lips, her eyes twinkling happily yet regretfully at his crimson pools.
Heat was taken aback. What was wrong…? Did she…regret it?
His eyes were begging her for an explanation.
Sera sighed and closed her eyes, casting her head down as she gripped his glass in her other hand tightly, "Heat…I…I'll see you tomorrow. Get well soon." she said immediately, rushing passed him, incidentally brushing her shoulder against his arm.
Heat gritted his teeth; she wasn't getting away that easily. He wanted to know what happened between them all those minutes ago. She knew it. He could see it in her eyes. There was no way that he was going to let her hide it from him.
With the agility that he was well-known for, he quickly grabbed her arm and pulled her back, "We're not done Sera."
To his surprise, she snatched her arm back and walked out on him, "For now, yes, we are. I'll see you tomorrow Heat."
He turned around to follow her but she slipped past him again and hurriedly left through the door. He cursed as he found himself alone a moment later. She was fast. He frowned; she was fast, or was he slow?
He had wanted to pursue her even at the hallway…
But he didn't.
She was adamant to leave just as he was adamant to know what the meaning was of whatever transpired between them.
And because he knew what it felt like to be as adamant as that, he had let her go.
He walked over to his bed and sat down, staring at the wall blankly. Now he knew for sure, that what he felt for her was not mere blind loyalty…it was…complete and utter devotion.
As if he had awoken from his dream, having a sudden epiphany, he stiffened and his eyes widened.
'Am I…?'
He was in love.
xxxxx
Sera stared at the floor sadly.
'Stupid! Stupid!' she cursed herself as she gripped her short ebony strands in her hands tightly.
She wasn't supposed to have done what she had done with Heat. She wasn't supposed to kiss him. She felt her eyes water. Her eyes felt so heavy with moisture that she succumbed to its silent persuasion to draw to a close…
Her eyelids closed and there, her crystalline tears fell…one by one…
That was not the way she imagined her first kiss to be.
She sighed heavily at that.
She had wanted her first kiss to be…meaningful. No. She supposed that that was wrong to say as well. Her kiss with Heat moments before was filled with passion and exuberance. She felt a connection with him, a bond in between them as it happened.
What bothered her was that…
"I want my kiss with him to be…certain…" she sighed, 'He…He's not even sure of what he feels about me…And then that happens!' she thought with a heavy heart.
Yes. That was it. Their kiss, no matter how passionate…no matter how amorous was drowned in the sea of obscurity.
That was what she hated the most.
They were but lost people fumbling in the dark…lost…afraid…looking for something, anything to hold onto.
And her…? What did she feel for him? Can she, now, give it a name…?
She sighed. Yes. Wasn't it obvious…? She was in love…
'The fastest way to his heart was through his stomach huh?' she asked, mentally repeating Argilla's advice to her. Sera shook her head sadly; who was she kidding…?
'There is no easy way to his heart!' she told herself, a twinge of pain piercing her heart. She then shook her head off such thoughts. There were other things to think of. Such as…
She sighed; now what?
Would she avoid him?
'Of course not…Even if I wanted to, I can't do that to him…' she thought. Of course she wouldn't. She was…a friend first…and a lover second.
She nodded; she would continue to play her part…But there was just a large part of her…wishing, hoping, that he would realize soon, of what she really was to him…
It was stupid really. She felt as though he was keeping her hanging; as if he was giving her only false hope when she was the only one feeding herself with those sorts of thoughts. She chuckled humorlessly, bitterly, silently cursing those dreams…those dreadful phantasmagoric images in her head.
If it weren't for them, she wouldn't have remembered her past life. She wouldn't have remembered Heat…
She wouldn't be this confused…
She wouldn't be this hopeful and expectant either…
Yes. She was hopeful and expectant…that maybe, just maybe, he felt for her what she felt for him; genuinely…
xxxxx
Heat opened his heavy eyelids, groaning. He felt a lot better…but there was still the dull pain on his head. That, and his blocked nose. He groaned louder.
'Damn cold…' he told himself.
He set his lips on a grim line as he closed his eyes back. He had dreamed about her all night. He shot his eyes open then. It was a curious dream…
In his dream, they were young once more. In his dream, they had been friends, just as they were now. In his dream, they had found one another in a world much different from their own. In his dream, they were in love.
He blinked, 'What…the hell…was that?' he asked. Granted that in the dream that he had enjoyed himself…But…
There laid the decisive factor.
'It was just a dream.'
Yes. It mattered not whether it was a favorable or an unfavorable dream. All that mattered was that it wasn't real. He frowned at that. There was a part of him, albeit a large part of him, that wished it were…
He closed his eyes once more, wearily, allowing his mind and heart to sink back into the folds of his dream…
He smiled as he imagined her soft and moist lips against his own…He imagined his palm on her chest, feeling the rhythmic beating of her heart. He imagined intertwining their fingers as they walked together…
He imagined a lot of things…
He opened his eyes once more and frowned. What had happened the previous day was…confusing. It was confusing to both him and her. That was why she had left, wasn't it?
Well, it wasn't confusing to him anymore.
She and he…
They needed to talk.
At that thought, another voice roused him from his trivial contemplation, 'Forget that bonehead! What time is it?!' it thundered, scolding him for his lack of responsibility.
Heat cursed himself, 'Damn! The drills!'
He immediately bolted from his bed and grabbed his clock. It was half passed six in the morning.
"Fuck!" he shouted as he realized that he missed the 0500 drills. He cursed and dashed for the lavatory, splashing cold water onto his face. He shivered as the liquid made contact with his face.
After a few minutes of grueling battle with the sink and water, he walked back to his bedroom and made to grab his towel when a convivial voice broke through the silence, "Good morning!"
Heat stiffened; shocked that he had not felt the presence. He turned around and saw Sera by the doorframe, a cheeky grin on her lips.
"Sera…! W-what are you doing here?" he asked, looking at her, trying his best to look bored.
She smiled and then giggled, "I'm making you breakfast silly!"
Heat made a sour face, "Sera, I'm already late as it is. I can't. Aren't you supposed to be on duty?"
She chuckled and shook her head. Heat quirked an eyebrow; something was very wrong here…
He opened his mouth to speak but she had beaten him to the punch, "I spoke to Gale today and I filed for a sick leave for you."
Heat's world spun.
She…what!?
"In fact it's effective ASAP. It's going to be for a week. So…you're not going anywhere." she spoke with a grin, her eyes glinting with untold mischief.
At that moment, Heat's blood ran cold and his skin crawled as he considered the implications of his time alone with Sera. He then remembered the soup…and the rod.
He gulped.
'Oh no she doesn't…! She won't get me to eat more of her crap!'
He glared at her, "Oh no you don't Sera!" he said as he pointed an accusing finger at her, clearly taking her by complete surprise.
She blinked in sheer curiosity and bewilderment, tilting her head to the side, "Huh? What are you talking about Heat?"
He crossed his arms and drawled his words, "This is my sick leave. Not yours. What are you doing here, sitting your ass being a bum? Aren't you supposed to be on duty?"
She giggled again.
And again, Heat felt that tingly feeling that he felt for her the previous day. His stomach churned uncontrollably as he continued to look at her.
"No. Serph and Argilla had gotten back yesterday and aa…"
Heat continued to look at her in that unfazed fashion, "You asked something of him."
She nodded, still beaming with enthusiasm that made Heat shiver. He grimaced. He knew that whatever it was she asked of her twin involved him. Damn. Damn. Bloody damn.
She nodded, "I informed the group on how you are faring…"
"You what!?" he thundered, his eye widened, "You told everyone that I was-"
She nodded, bobbing her head up and down excitedly, "Yea. I told everyone that you were sick."
"…" Heat couldn't say anything. He was petrified there on the spot.
Taking his silence as encouragement, she continued, still possessing her enchanting smile, "I had informed Serph on how virulent your illness was."
'Virulent…!? Illness!?' he asked himself in total disbelief.
"It's a fucking cold Sera!!" he thundered, no longer having his self control in tact, "A cold!!"
She laughed as she listened to the way the word "cold" passed through his lips. He sounded as if he were speaking with his nose clipped! The poor baby; his nasal cavity was still blocked…
Oh well.
All the more reason for her to dote over her Heaty-Weaty pooh-bear!
She shook her head vigorously, "Oh no it isn't just a cold Heat! You're contagious! We can't have you wandering the streets in such a state! You could infect people!"
Here, Heat gritted his teeth in anger, a small blush creeping upon his pale cheeks, "It's a cold! A cold damn it!" Didn't she know what the repercussions of her words were pertaining to his reputation!?
He groaned in defeat. No of course not…
It was no use trying to explain to her…
There was but one option…
His head suddenly began to spin and he trudged towards his bed. He immediately felt warm arms around him, steadying his posture, "Oh Heat! Are you alright?!"
He wanted to swat her hands away from him and shove her far away, but he couldn't. He wasn't feeling so well all of a sudden.
He said nothing in response but just groaned.
Sera frowned as she walked him over to his bed. She stared at his blank face, "I told you that your cold was quite virulent!"
'What…the fuck is she talking about?!' his thoughts screamed what his words could not.
"Why, it might even evolve to being the flu if we're not careful…And…and you might get chills and convulsions…!"
She was rambling on and on…
Heat groaned but at the same time, something caught his interest.
"We? Who's we?" he asked, turning to face her as he sat on his bed.
She giggled, "You and me silly! I've been assigned to look after you!"
At that moment, all the color from Heat's face drained and there he felt consciousness leave his body.
xxxxx
He blinked his eyes rapidly, several times as he, for the second time that day, tried to focus on his surroundings.
'What happened…?' he asked himself, a bit groggy.
"You fell asleep Heat." a gentle female voice replied.
He suddenly bolted upright and widened his eyes as he beheld the source of the voice and there he was met by his Sera's smiling face. He mentally groaned; so it hadn't been a dream…
She chuckled, "I'm surprised! This time you had gotten up a lot sooner! You had been out for only ten minutes!"
Heat wanted to strangle her right there and then. She was treating him condescendingly, wasn't she?! How dare she even patronize him at this state?! Was she telling him that the fainting spells for him were…normal?!
He glared at her and sat up from the bed when she grabbed his arm, "Where are you going?"
He shrugged his shoulders, "To the lavatory." he said stoically.
"Do you need some help?" she asked genuinely as she stood up, gesturing that she would assist him in walking. Again, Heat glared at her, "I can walk Sera. I'm not terminally ill."
She said nothing and let him stand on his own. She bit her lip as her maternal instinct got the better of her and there she found herself steadying him on his feet. He swatted her hands away and walked towards the aforesaid room, grabbing his towel along the way.
He felt guilty all of a sudden as he suddenly missed the sweet sound of her soothing voice. That was right. She was deathly silent, probably watching him intently.
Needless to say, he felt unpleasant. Here she was doing whatever she could to make his ill life comfortable and there he was swatting her away like she were a vexing mosquito, avoiding her like she was the plague.
But still, no matter how guilty he may feel and no matter how unpleasant he may feel, he would never bring himself to apologize.
That was just not his style…
So, he just "apologized" in his own way.
He turned back to her and grinned, "So, planning on helping me…in there?" he winked suggestively, his voice confident and his eyes twinkling with naughtiness and seduction.
At that, Sera immediately blushed and scratched the back of her head, "No thanks. I wouldn't want to crowd your bathroom. But, do hurry up. We still have to have your breakfast, no?"
He grinned at her, "Sure thing."
"Oh and, just use warm or hot water okay?" she said, reminding him. He looked at her with a bemused expression and she nodded, "You could get the chills if you use the cold water…So, be careful, ne?"
He nodded.
A moment later, he turned and entered the lavatory, gently closing the door shut. He was glad though; she took his so-called apology.
Oh well; maybe this day wouldn't be so bad after all.
Sera shook her head as she looked at her surroundings. Heat was such a slob. There were tissues everywhere!
She laughed; and he said that he didn't need her!
'Oh phooey!' she laughed as she started to gather the aforesaid filthy tissues.
xxxxx
He had emerged from the bathroom half an hour later and there dressed himself. Sera was nowhere to be seen and he guessed that she was still in the kitchen.
He was about to walk into the kitchen when she walked into the bedroom with a familiar-looking tray in her hands. He walked over to her to take it from her but she shook her head, "No, no Heat. You just sit down and I'll bring this to you…"
He really wasn't in the mood to argue. Besides, even if he did, there would be no point anyway. She would just insist and probably nag him to death until he capitulated.
He sighed and sat on his bed. There really wasn't anything else in his bedroom anyway…
A moment later, he found himself snuggly underneath covers, sitting up with is back on warm and fluffy pillows, the breakfast table over his waist, right in front of him.
And there, he didn't offer much of a fuss as she fed him. No; he was just looking at her even as he continued to sip the soup and swallow it.
He just kept gazing at her, wondering…He was wondering why she was doing all of this for him. She had taken time form her busy schedule just to care for him…
Why?
He knew that the answer wasn't just mere friendship. If that had been all, then she needed not take care of him this way. He wasn't suffering from a deadly disease. It was just a cold. He wasn't a child who needed caring for either. He was a grown man more than capable of holding his own.
Then…why…?
And another question that floated with his head was…the question 'Why did we kiss?'. It was a question that was dying to be answered.
What she had made him feel the other day was nothing short of…miraculous. He had never felt that way about anyone. Not ever…
Until she came along…
And so, he was…confused. He was baffled…and he was scared. There was a part of him that was intrigued at the new sensation; asking for more. But there was another part of him that felt trapped. What if it was all a ruse…? A lie…? An illusion made to test him…?
The answer to his question "why did we kiss?" was obvious though as he thought about it. He was in love…
But then again, he became all the more confused. In love? What did that mean? What was supposed to happen now? And if he was in love, was she in love with him too?
That was why he wanted to ask her what she thought of it. He wanted to know what it was she thought.
And if they were both in love…what would happen then? To their friendship? To their innocent times together…? Would it all go up in smokes…?
He wanted to know…what she thought of him now that they had kissed. Did he appear…weaker to her?
Yes; that was a core question. He had always stated that affection of any kind was an expression of weakness…And what he and she had done the previous day was a definition and expression of anything but strength or prowess.
It was downright weakness.
At that moment though, he allowed his mind to reminisce and there, as he imagined and recalled the feel of her body against his…the feel of her lips pressed against his…
He stifled a groan and there felt his body rise in temperature…
He blinked as his eyes met hers. Her silver eyes widened; what was wrong? Did he have something on his face?
She frowned and put the soupspoon down. She pressed her hand on his forehead, "Heat. You're burning up. I think you might have a fever."
He chuckled within. A fever…?
Well, if it was, then it wasn't caused by any bacteria or virus…
No. It was…
'It's your fault.' he mentally spoke to her.
He watched as she left with the tray only to return a moment later with a thermometer. She looked at him with utter seriousness, "Open your mouth Heat."
Being entranced by her ethereal visage, he did as he was told without question. A moment later, he was there sitting on his bed, still staring at her with the thermometer sticking out of his lips, staring at her.
She seemed to have not noticed and there, she took the thermometer from him, reading its contents. Heat knew that he wasn't ill…
He wasn't having a fever…
He was burning up…because…Because all that he thought of was her…The way she drooped her cheeks, the way she pouted…
She looked…so cute in his eyes…She was a woman who could do no wrong…And he was just there, like a lowly fanboy, idolizing her from the crowds…while she went on with her life…never knowing that he existed…
It was then that he sighed; his heart felt so heavy. He had been as silent as he could for countless minutes…But he knew now that he could keep silent no longer. The time for silent contemplation had come to pass. Now, brushing aside the humor, the pretenses and the preoccupation, the time to settle their confused states had arrived.
He grabbed the hand that was looking at the thermometer, "Sera…"
Sera stiffened as she felt his warm hand in hers. She had not been able to take his readings accurately as his hand had covered hers, "Heat…What?"
She was cut off as he shook his head and spoke, "I'm not having a fever Sera."
"But-"
"Just leave it." he told her sternly; his red eyes boring into her silver pools. At that moment, Sera felt his powerful aura and there relinquished her desire to take his readings.
He squeezed her hand reassuringly and tugged her closer to him…She did not protest and soon, she found herself sitting on his bed, by his side, the breakfast table on the floor a few feet away…
Their eyes locked together and once more, they were transfixed on one another…
Before she could ponder over it any further, she felt herself being tugged even closer to him…and at that instant, she was sprawled on top of him.
Her silver eyes widened and her heart pounded like a jackhammer within her chest as she considered their inappropriate and compromising positions, "Heat…"
She was once more cut off from her sentence as she felt his warm lips upon her own…Her eyes widened still at the shock and she immediately moved to push him away…But she had forgotten that he was Embryon's finest…
Ill or not, he had yet to lose his strength and there had her in an iron grip…
She felt him moan against her and there, he pulled her to him closer to still…She had resisted but her resistance had only lasted so long…A moment later, she fell on him, their chests pressed together tightly…
They both knew that they should feel awkward at doing this. After all, they were friends…
But for some reason, it didn't feel that way.
Not really.
And soon, Sera gave in. She gave in to the persuasive licks and flicks his tongue sent her lips…She parted her lips slowly, hesitantly and her partner had slowly entered her wet cavern, rediscovering everything that it had discovered only a day before.
The hands that were once pushing him away not clutched his apparel tightly in her fingers. She whimpered into his mouth as if she were in pain…even though he kissed her with only the outmost of care and gentleness that he could muster…
Sera was panicking. His touch was bringing her closer to the elimination of all of her inhibitions…
'No…! This is wrong…! He doesn't love me…! He's confused!' she screamed at herself, willing her body to fight him off. Yes; she had not forgotten the pact that she had made for herself. As long as Heat did not remember her, as long as he did not make clear of his feelings for her, she would not allow herself to be drawn to him.
That was why…That was why with all her strength, she had pushed him away.
"Ugh…!" she whimpered as she finally put distance in between them, getting off of him and now situating herself by his bedside. She panted and held his strong and shocked gaze for but a moment before turning away with a blush on her cheeks displaying itself shamelessly to him.
"Sera…?" she heard him ask. She did not dare reply. She was afraid that her lips and tongue might reveal and divulge what she had tried so hard to conceal.
"Why did you do that?" he asked innocently, completely curious. She turned to look at him with sad eyes, "Heat…I should ask you that question." she whispered softly.
He blinked, "What?" he asked in a slightly irritated tone.
She sighed, "Why did you kiss me?" she asked boldly.
Why indeed…?
'Because I want to. Because I felt like doing it. Because you feel good against me. Because I want to feel you…Because I love you…'
He was shocked at that last sentence. What the hell was that!? What the hell did that mean!? What the fuck was he talking about!? That was complete weakness! Weakness! He wanted to hit himself at that moment. How could he even begin to think of such utter nonsense…? Love indeed!
He looked at her, bored, "Because I want to."
Sera's world crumbled by her feet as she listened to his crude and flat statement. She had been right. He did not love her…
She was just glad to herself that she had listened to what her inner self had told her…He wasn't ready. But at the same token, she was hurt.
His words had given her an almost fatal blow. He kissed her because it was a flight of fancy. Nothing more.
She bit her lip and stared at his blanket sadly, "Oh…Well…Just let me…"
Heat shook his head; she was doing it again. She was uttering gibberish and looking at everywhere and nowhere in hopes of alleviating the tense air around them. He sighed; didn't she know any better…?
He suddenly grabbed her arms still and held her in place, "Sera, look at me."
She did as she was told and there froze as silver met red.
His eyes pierced hers and at that moment, a painful prick found itself on her heart; he was staring at her so intently that she felt as if he were cursing her within…
"Why did you pull away…?" he asked, "I am…not worthy enough for you?"
Sera blinked, confused, "What do you mean Heat…?"
He sighed and cast his face down. A moment later, he let go of her arms and let his hands settle on his bed, still refusing to meet her eyes. He forced himself to do so however and there glared at her once more, "You think that because I'm ill, that it warrants that you treat me like an invalid?" he spoke in a low and condescending tone.
Sera's eyes widened; he was taking it the wrong way again!
"No Heat! I-"
"What; you think I'm not strong enough to care for myself that you have to force your way into my room and treat me as if I'm some…incapacitated amputee!?" he bellowed.
She remained quiet there, allowing him to spurn out his hidden feelings…It had hurt needless to say…But she couldn't find her voice…And so, as he spoke his heart-wrenching words, she sat idly by…waiting for the next blow.
"And if that weren't enough, you would refuse me…Why Sera…? Am I not strong enough for you?" he asked, glaring at her, "I'm not good enough…?"
Sera had been thus far patient with him. But now she had to draw the line. He was way out of line with his assumptions. She glared back in return, "I am not treating you as an amputee Heat! I…I just want to take care of you! Is that so wrong…?" she asked, pain etched onto her facial features.
Heat suddenly felt his insides churn as he took a look on her face. She looked like she was writhing in pain…Did he really say the right things to her…?
"I refuse you…?! Heat…Didn't you ever ask me if that was what I wanted…?" she asked, speaking of the kiss that they had just shared. "Did you bother to ask me…? Did you even bother to know what my feelings were? Or yours?"
Heat glared at her still, "That's the point Sera! Damn it!" he half-yelled, "Why did you turn me away!? Was it because I'm ill? Or is it because I'm not strong enough for you? That I'm not good enough?! That you think I'm some lowly patient that you need to take care of?! I knew you liked it so stop denying it!"
She glared at him still and stood up, looking down at him with fury. Her breathing had become labored by now as she heard his accusing words.
How dare he think this way about her…? How dare he?!
'Oh Heat…I…'
She wanted to scream at him. She wanted to tell him everything…She wanted him to know of what she felt about him. She wanted to hurt him and slap him…She wanted to curse at him…
But she wouldn't.
Instead, she looked at him with grave eyes, "Heat…I'm not the only one denying here…"
Heat sucked in a breath and his eyes widened. Sera sighed and shook her head and started to walk away from him.
"I'll…I know that you're strong Heat…I know…And this illness doesn't say anything otherwise about you…Please don't ever think that I treat you as a lowly patient…or anything like that. Because I don't. I care a lot about you. Please don't forget that."
She turned to look at him and smiled warily, "What about you…? What…do you feel for me? Am I…really that much of a burden to you…?"
Heat looked at her with a pained expression of his own. Why couldn't she just…? He sighed; what-she was asking him of his feelings!? Was she crazy!?
'It's weakness!' a voice in his head hissed.
He stood up and there met her face to face on the same level, "You're not a burden to me Sera. But you're not an asset to me either. You're a firm comrade and a close friend to me. I kissed you because I wanted to. And from the way that you kissed me back, I'd wager that you liked it as much as I did. So stop denying it and act like an adult." he told her impassively…almost coldly.
His words stabbed her like a thousand dull knives. She couldn't remain in his presence any longer. She knew what he meant…
She wasn't that naïve…
He wanted to be friends…with benefits.
"Heat…" she trailed off, a tear dropping from her eye, trickling down her chin and onto the floor, "Now, it is I who must ask you…Is this how you see me…? Is this how lowly you think of me…?"
Was she just some cheap whore to him…?
She wouldn't allow him to respond and there left his room altogether. Heat just remained there on his spot, unfazed. Before, he would feel guilty…
But not this time.
She was the one who wronged him. Not the other way around. And apologizing now…would only mean the acceptance of weakness…
And he wasn't a weakling…
It was a paradox though…He thought that he wasn't a weakling…and yet what he did moments before was anything but strength. The denial of one's feelings and the refusal of acceptance was a sign of weakness…
Didn't he know that…?
xxxxx