Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. If I did, Shikamaru would be referred to pineapple-head a lot in the manga and anime.
A/N: I'll be posting the next chapter whenever I'm done with it. This story isn't getting very much publicity yet, so I think I might start to ask for help! You don't want me to beg do you! I finished this chapter yesterday, but I wanted to post it a little later so it won't seem like I'm going too quickly. Writing 1,667 words a day is getting really hard! I think I'm truly getting too old.
Published November 5, 2006
Chapter 2 - Finding Two of a Kind
Shikamaru was now in a complicated predicament. He had to answer both kunoichis' question. If he said 'yes' to one girl, he'd have to say 'no' to the other. The Nara boy couldn't even figure out which girl would be worse to disappoint. Either way, he was dead, so did it really matter?
"If I say 'no' to Ino…" Shikamaru thought of the possibilities.
"You'd die." Chouji said bluntly.
"If I say 'no' to Temari…" Shikamaru thought the same possibilities.
"You'd die." Chouji repeated. Then he cleared his throat and opened a bag of chips. Where the bags of chips came from shall be a mystery. "Maybe you should think about what will happen if you say 'yes' to one of them."
"Hmm…if I say 'yes' to Ino…" Shikamaru thought yet again.
"…you'd be going out on a date with a beautiful blonde, probably having a somewhat of a good time, go back to her place, maybe make-out, she'll ask for another date, you'll have no choice but to say 'yes', and it repeats from there." Chouji munched on his chips the whole time. It was surprising that he didn't choke.
"Hmm…very true. If I say 'yes' to Temari…" Shikamaru didn't think this time. He just waited for Chouji to answer. He was answering all of Shikamaru's thoughts.
"…I really don't know. I don't know Temari too well, and the part that I do know, well, it isn't all that great." Chouji sighed as he grabbed a handful of chips and stuffed it in his mouth. "She might want to go out with you…or she might kill you for liking her that way."
"Troublesome. This is why I don't like being around women." Shikamaru put a hand on his forehead and shook his head.
"Well," Chouji stuffed more chips in his mouth. "There's a very simple answer to solve your problems."
"How do you feel about Ino? How do you feel and Temari?" Chouji emphasized 'feel', sounding like a psychologist.
"Chouji…do we really have to do this?" Shikamaru asked, not wanting to answer such troublesome questions.
"Do you want to find the answer to your question or not?" Chouji said strongly. "Let's make this easier. We'll start with Ino. What are the good and bad things about her?"
Shikamaru slouched as he sighed. "Okay." Shikamaru had to think for a couple of seconds before he began to speak his feelings. "Ino is kind of pretty, has smooth and long hair, has a lot of friends, is kind and caring sometimes, she's already a close friend, and I know for sure that she likes me."
"Well that's a good start. Now what about what's you dislike about her." Chouji had a notepad out and started writing down Shikamaru's words. Where the notepad came from is yet another Chouji mystery.
"She's bossy, loud, annoying sometimes, whiney, and worries about her weight too much." Shikamaru thought up quickly.
"Okay. So remember what you've just said." Chouji flipped a page from his notepad. "Now, how what do you like and dislike about Temari?"
"Umm…" Shikamaru needed to think again. "…Temari is fairly pretty, has stranger hair than me, doesn't have many friends, is very intelligent, can shut someone up, and can take care of herself."
"And your dislikes?"
"She's loud, bossy, rude sometimes, scary, and is a lot like my mother." Shikamaru knew his answer immediately.
"Good." Chouji wrote a couple more words down, and then ripped two papers out from his notepad. "Now let's see." He looked at both papers. "Well let's look at the things you dislike about both girls. They're kind of similar. You think that both Ino and Temari are bossy and loud, so those aren't important characteristics."
Shikamaru sighed. 'Great, either way I'm going to have a loud and bossy woman with me.'
"So would you rather have someone who is annoying or rude?" Chouji asked.
"What kind of question is that?" Shikamaru didn't know how to answer the question. He wanted to choose neither, but had to choose one.
"Just answer it! Do you want me to bring the 'reinforcements'?" Chouji threatened.
"No. Way." Shikamaru said monotonously. He sighed. "Rude." He said simply.
"Why?" Chouji was wondering.
"If you're rude to someone, it's their fault, so I would not get the blame. If you are annoying, the person around her has to listen to it. I do not want to listen to Ino being annoying." Shikamaru explained easily.
"Oh. Okay, so one point for Temari. Scary or whiney?" Chouji quickly went to the next characteristic.
"Sigh…this is hard. I think scary." Shikamaru answered with slight hesitation.
"Explain please." Chouji said politely.
"Ino would whine a lot of the time, which would be annoying, which would go back to the last question. I do not want Ino to be annoying everywhere. Temari's very scary, a lot of the times, but at least she'll stay quiet…sometimes."
"Okay…" Chouji said with an odd face. "…Would you want Ino with her weight obsession or Temari with her mother-likeness?"
"Ino. It's her body, not mine. If Temari ever met my mother…I don't even want to imagine what would happen." Shikamaru explained since he knew Chouji would ask anyways.
"So it's two to one, in favor of Temari. Let's look at the good things you like about the two." Chouji looked at the 'likes' section of the paper. "You think they're pretty much evenly pretty. Okay, here's a tough one. You like that Ino has a lot of friends, but also like that Temari doesn't have many friends. Why?"
"Friends can be good or bad. Since Ino has a lot of friends, she will be able to hang out with them when she's not on a mission. But since Temari barely has any friends, she won't talk about them, whine about them, or drag me along with her to hang out with them. Get it?"
"Yes. Those are two very interesting views you have there." Chouji tapped a pen on his lip. "So who you going to choose this time?" He said quickly, putting the decision all on Shikamaru, not helping him choose.
Shikamaru thought hard before he could answer. "Temari. No friends mean she won't have fangirl friends. There are too many girls in Konoha. I've had enough of fangirls."
"Alright. Now, do you want someone who is sometimes kind and caring or someone who is smart?"
"Smart. I can have an intelligent conversation with her and I wouldn't have to explain as much."
"Fair enough. Another point for Temari." Chouji marked Temari's paper with his pen. "Do you want someone who's already your friend or someone who can 'shut someone up'?" Chouji quoted Shikamaru making bunny-ear quotations with his first two fingers.
"Ino. She knows me more. I wouldn't have to talk about myself or anything. Plus, Temari isn't the only one who can shut someone up. She's just the quickest at it." Shikamaru said quickly.
"Good. Ino who you know likes you or Temari who can take care of herself?" Chouji went straight to the next character trait speedily.
"Ino because it wouldn't be awkward, or as awkward, if I know that she likes me beforehand. Also, Temari's too fierce. I can't be outmatched and saved by her over and over." Shikamaru pointed out.
"Okay. Now…umm…whose hair do you like better?" Chouji asked with slight awkwardness and confusion.
Shikamaru thought for a while, a long while. About three minutes later, after Chouji had finished two more bags of chips, Shikamaru found his answer. "Ino beca-"
Chouji interrupted Shikamaru. "Stop. I don't think I really want to know your reason." Chouji took his pen and marked Ino's paper. "So one point for Ino." Then he looked at both papers. "Uh-oh." Was all Chouji could say.
"What do you mean uh-oh? What's the result?" Shikamaru looked over to Chouji's papers. He sighed heavily and slouched. "How troublesome."
"Yeah, this is pretty troublesome." Chouji agreed.
"So all this was for nothing?" Shikamaru said more as a statement than question.
"No…not really." Chouji tried to cheer Shikamaru up. "This information shows that Ino and Temari are just about equal and that either girl you end up choosing will have the same affect. So basically, it doesn't matter who you choose." Chouji kind of made up, though it could've been true.
"You're saying that we're back to the beginning! Either way, they're both equal. Either way I'm dead!" Shikamaru concluded.
"Heh…I guess if you put it that way…" Chouji had a phony laugh and scratched the back of his head. Then he stopped scratching his head when an idea hit him. "I have an idea!"
"I'm listening." Shikamaru said hopelessly since either way, he was going to die.
"Well, since you can't decide, maybe we could have someone else decide! You know…like a survey!" Then Chouji had another idea and grinned evilly. "We can call in the 'reinforcements'!" Chouji rubbed his hands together wickedly.
"The 'reinforcements'! We don't need them!" Shikamaru almost pleaded to Chouji not to bring in the 'reinforcements'. "At least, not both of them." Shikamaru compromised.
"But we have to bring in both of them! Or else they wouldn't be called the 'reinforcements'! One of them would be called the 'reinforcement'. It just doesn't sound as good." Chouji pointed out.
"Oh, Chouji…" Shikamaru sighed. "If we bring in the 'reinforcements', we'll have to bring in the 'intellects' and that will be much too troublesome."
"Exactly! Hey! If we bring in the 'reinforcements', they'll bring in the 'intellects' and the 'misdemeanors'. Then the 'intellects' will bring in the 'suppressers', who will bring in the 'interceptors'! We can get the whole gang back together!
Shikamaru sighed. "I was hoping you wouldn't notice that."
"Hmm…" Chouji wondered.
"Hmm…?" Shikamaru wanted to know what Chouji was thinking.
"Did you notice that Ino and Temari aren't in any groups?" Chouji asked.
"Yeah, they are. Remember…the 'assassins'." Shikamaru said, depressingly.
"Oh, yeah!" Chouji remembered. "Oh…yeah." Chouji said again, this time his voice had disappointment, realizing Shikamaru's current situation.
"Well…I guess I'll call the 'reinforcements'…" Chouji went towards the phone on Shikamaru's desk and starting calling one of the 'reinforcements'.
"Remember to not tell the 'assassins' about this." Shikamaru reminded as Chouji was listening to the ringing tone, waiting for someone to pick up on the other line.
"Yeah, okay." Chouji said. Then he talked to the person on the other line. "Hey! I'm calling up the gang. We have some 'reinforcing' to do…Shikamaru…Shikamaru's office…yeah…exactly! Oh yeah! Don't tell the 'assassins'! Okay! Bye!" Chouji hung up the phone. "One down! Nine more to go!"
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A/N: If you think you know who any of the 'reinforcements', 'intellects', 'misdemeanors', 'suppressers', and/or 'interceptors' are, review with your guesses! If you get at least one right, you can have a 'one-shot' made for you, a chapter in this story or Not a Relaxing Vacation dedicated to you, or anything else you can think of that you want. You might as well try and guess! That's how desperate I am for reviews these days. They keep me alive, so feed me!
Hint: I think it would be too hard to randomly guess characters, so here are two hints. There are two people in each group. The character choices are Gaara, Hinata, Kankuro, Kiba, Naruto, Neji, Sakura, Sasuke, Shino, and Tenten.
A/N: Yes, I know that Sasuke isn't back! But in this story he is! I couldn't help but have everyone in the story! I don't even like Sasuke! But don't you think it would be fun with him? Just a little? You know it's true!