I awoke on and off during our short trip, but the rhythmic whirring of the train relaxed me and hummed me back to sleep. Manuel was unconscious in the seat across from me the whole time as far as my knowledge. He looked as relaxed and as peaceful as ever, but the position he was in looked damned uncomfortable. His head rested on his arm with his elbow pressed down and his arms sprawled across the table. His body was also contorted.
When I did wake up completely we were approaching Columbus. Manuel woke up several minutes later.
"How the hell do you sleep like that?"
"Like what?"
"Like rigor mortus has just set in."
We both laughed. "You're not as mean as you think you are Dawson."
"How am I mean?"
"Let me think. 'Shut up and let me buy the God damn tickets.' 'You sleep like rigor mortus has just set in.' You beat the living hell out that poor moron in El Paso."
"Hey hey hey, that was justified. Self defense."
"I know, but I needed just one more accusation."
"I know too, but I don't yield to the thoughtless lusts of drunks. Women are constant targets. It's men who are at fault for their sexual crimes. Apparently I was a 'little whore' for the simple fact that I was a girl in a bar. What is it with men that they can't control themselves? I've been drunk out of my mind before to but somehow I managed not bother anybody else with it. I'm not going to allow myself to be victimized just because I'm a woman."
"I didn't say anything. I've never done anything like that. I love women."
"I would suspect you do."
"You know what I mean. But I agree with you."
"Want to know what I was doing before this?"
"What were you doing?"
"I was with the suffragettes. Living in Chicago actually. Before that I was an actress in New York."
"That's impressive. Suffragettes. I wish I had that kind of ambition."
"Thank you. It's nice to hear that coming from a man."
The train came to a halt. We grabbed our things and got off the train. I was in the my new home. A scenic shithole. A desolate paradise. Which ever you prefer.
I was still excited. It was hot and dry, but it was still a gorgeous sunny day and I could feel the warmth all over my skin.
I followed him towards the local saloon and home. Manuel stretched out his arms towards the town. "Bienvenido a paraíso de mierda."
"Is it just you and your sister?" I asked still laughing.
"No, we've got two other boarders they work in the establishment too. Sammy and Bookie. Sammy's a Navajo from around here and Bookie's from England."
"Bookie?"
"Gabriel Book…Rose, may I ask you a question?"
"Of course."
"You're a suffragette, an actress, you're a girl on her own. How old are you?"
"I'll be nineteen this February."
"Cristo, barely nineteen."
"Well how old are you?"
"Twenty. But I'm a child at heart."
"Why are you so amazed at me being nineteen? You're not so old yourself. You couldn't have expected me to be so old?"
Then a loud voice called to us. "Hey Manny!" A woman about my age. "You were supposed to be back yesterday."
Manuel shouted back. "No you told to be back yesterday. I never told you I would."
We came closer. She really looked annoyed. "You don't have to be such a jackass about it all the time."
"Watch your language."
"Oh please. Spare me." She sighed. "Burro, aren't you going to introduce me to your new friend?"
"This is Rose Dawson. She'll be another boarder and work with us. Rose, this is my sister, Maria."
Maria Sanchez was a year my junior and practically in charge of her own business. She looked very much like her older brother, but was almost nothing like him. Manuel, although a little flighty, was pleasantly casual. Maria was for the most part friendly, but she had a fuse shorter than most drill sergeants. She was high strung to say the least.
She raised her eyebrows suspiciously. "You're not Manny's new girl are you?"
I was a little stunned by the question. "No, we just traveled together. I had no place to go and he invited to come here. I don't mean to be any inconvenience. I will work though and I can pay rent."
"Right then I like you already." She grabbed my hand and pulled me inside. Sammy, Bookie, this is Rose Dawson. She'll be with us now. Rose, Samuel Torlino and Gabriel Book."
Sammy and Bookie stepped out from behind the counter. Sammy was tall and thin and had long black hair down a few inches past his shoulders. Bookie was several inches shorter than I was and had wild blond curls. They were both about thirty.
They both gave cheery hellos. Maria led me upstairs.
"Okay," said Maria, "On the left end of the hall we have the little boys' bedroom. Right in front of us, the washroom, directly to our right we the extraneous we-don't-really-know-what-to-do-with room. We just use it for storage and it has a desk, an extra bed, and some chairs in it. And down the hall all the way at the right we have our room. Or as I call it: The Queen's Quarters."
"Very nice."
She showed me in. "That's my bed and you can take the other. And you can use that bureau over there." She offered to help me unpack, but she was called downstairs. She apologized and excused herself.
I was left alone in the room. It smelled like coffee for whatever reason. Maybe it was from Maria. She seemed like a potential caffeine addict from the way she dashed and zipped around.
I unpacked by myself. Making sure to stuff my old dress, Cal's old jacket and the necklace in a back corner and cover them up with my other clothes. Before in put it in the drawer, I took the old crinkled money from the coat. I hadn't touched it for nearly two years out of foolish pride. Even though I would have a way of making a living again I'd decided that if an emergency came and I needed it I would use it.
Using the money would not be shameless. Even if I did consider it dirty money I would use it if I or any of my friends should need it. It was time to be logical about it and grow up a little.
I had come this far. I didn't need to prove anything to myself.
Later Maria came back up to bring me downstairs. It was near dinnertime, but there were only a few patrons in the restaurant.
Business was slow as usual and they said I could officially start work tomorrow. Maria and Sammy were the only ones who really knew what they were doing in the kitchen so they mainly cooked and the rest just followed their orders.
For now I could just hang around and talk with my new housemates. After we each gave our abbreviated life stories (of course mine was extremely abbreviated) I went to the little player piano in the corner and tried it out.
After all the customers left I took requests from the other four while they told me about Columbus. There wasn't much there. Besides the railroad station and the streets and buildings surrounding our little establishment there were two hotels, some adobe houses, and the 13th US cavalry had its headquarters there. They joked and said the horses outnumbered the people.
We had a late dinner. Mostly leftovers from the kitchen. I had known them for hours only, but they felt like old friends. A bunch of other vagrants with no place to belong to. A Navajo Indian that refused to be kept on a reservation, a Mexican family forced to leave their home, a poor Londoner whose wife had kicked him out, and me, a single white girl with no family.
Then they tricked me into drinking the rest of the hot sauce claiming it was mild. I thought my throat had been torched, my eyes watered, I could barely breathe. I slammed my fist on the table in distress. I was about to grab a glass of water when someone tossed me a slice of bread and told me to eat it. I did and then a grabbed the water.
"The water only helps for a few seconds, the bread absorbs it." Sammy pointed out matter-of-factly.
I looked at them while I was recovering from my brush with Maria's flaming hot sauce. Now they were the ones who couldn't breathe. They were doubled over laughing.
"Bastards."
We went to bed after that. Maria and I stayed up talking until we both fell asleep.
The next morning everyone was up and bustling and getting ready for the day. It reminded me of New York City. Everyone was always on the move and purposeful.
I was awoken by a loud "Buenas días Chiquita!"
Maria and Sammy made everyone breakfast and then we got to work. I helped set up the kitchen and waited tables. The work wasn't very hectic. We rarely had more than four tables filled at once except for Friday and Saturday nights and holidays. Then it was absolute madness.
My first day at work was fun but uneventful. It was now Thursday night and they warned me about the weekends.
"It's absolutely crazy." Said Bookie. "Drunks, military men, drunk military men."
"Loud and lively, like a bottle of hot sauce." Sammy laughed. I frowned. "You drank the whole thing one gulp!"
Manny started doing an impression of me. Eyes bulging, slamming his fist on the table, and flailing.
"Very funny."
"Well we thought it was." He added.
"From now on I refuse to eat anything you people give before it's properly tested."
Maria waved the new batch in front of me. I tried to feign anger again, but I burst out laughing myself.
Friday night rolled around. And they were right. It was crazy.
I ran around in a frenzy trying to get everything straight and running smoothly. Maria was shouted and giving orders as if in an emergency.
Between orders I got hold of Manuel. "This is worse than that place in El Paso."
I shouted over the noise.
"I know. Isn't it great?"
"I love it!" Although it was full a loud drunks and smoke it was a friendly, upbeat atmosphere.
That night everyone else was completely exhausted so Manny and I cleaned up.
"Look at this place." I said.
"It'll be like this tomorrow night too…So I see you're surviving."
"As long as I stay out of the way of you people and your dirty tricks."
"It's regular occurrence here. Better watch your back."
"Dangerous place this is." We both laughed. The room was very still. The others had gone upstairs. It was well into the wee hours of the morning by the time we finished.
"I think we're done." He said. "Let's go to bed." I carried the broom back past the kitchen into the back storage room. After I closed the door I lost my balance. Manuel caught me. "You're a bit tipsy."
"I'm fine." I regained my balance and stood up.
"I don't know. If you're drunk you might not be able to control yourself and you might take advantage of me." I laughed at him. "Innocent, young Mexican boys are often victimized and corrupted by dangerous American women." We both broke down laughing. Someone banged on the floor above us. He forgot to mention how well sound carried in the building. We were right under Sammy and Bookie.
"Bloody hell." Someone grumbled from upstairs. We laughed more trying to suppress the loudness.
We fell to the floor again. "I think you're a bit tipsy too." He just lay there clasping his mouth shut, his face bright red. "Manny?" I poked him. He chuckled again.
"Get up. We have to go to bed."
Then he flashed me a strange smile. I'd seen that kind of smile before. Then it occurred to me. I hadn't so much as touched a man since Jack. Save for Hans Strauss, my Hamlet, but those were stage kisses and they were just a few hard kisses on the face during one of his mad scenes. Hans was a contortionist from Germany. (In case you care to know.)
Still, I did love Jack with the same passion I did two years ago, but he was never coming back. He was gone. He had moved on to something else and it was time I did the same.
I pulled Manny up by the shirt collar and kissed him.
He clasped his hands around my cheeks and pulled me back down towards him. Manny, although a decent man, could be a little less than truthful at times and irresponsible for that matter, but this was the first time I'd ever felt he was being truly honest.
Nothing else happened between us that night. We went to our separate beds a few minutes later. The next day things were awkward with him, but pleasantly so. We winked at each other when we thought no one was looking.
Saturday night was just as crazy as Friday. And after all of the customers left Manuel and I offered to clean up every night and give Maria, Sammy, and Bookie a break. Even Maria, our resident workaholic was quick to accept the offer.
We would kiss and fool around a bit after we finished and then go back upstairs. Such was our routine for several weeks. I started to really fall for him. I woke up every morning waiting to see him. He was tactless and silly, but overall gentle and shy around women. Our meetings were conducted as if we were schoolchildren playing kiss tag.
My birthday came and went. We had a small party that night for Sammy and myself. I turned nineteen as you would have guessed and Sammy turned twenty-eight.
That night after we finished our chores I went put the broom in the large storage closet just like I did the night before.
"Maybe it's a bit late to tell you this, but I've had a little crush on you since about the Wednesday afternoon you first came here." He said. True, I was a little bit in love with him too. I just laughed at him and pull him playfully into the closet. The door shut behind us. It was pitch black inside.
I searched for his face in the dark. The kiss last night had awakened the feelings that only came naturally to me.
I pulled his face to mine crushing our lips together. Then I pulled us down to the floor clumsily trying to avoid the equipment and boxes of preserved food.
He pulled away from me after a few moments. "Are you sure you want to do this?"
"Yes. Are you?"
"Do I want to and do I think I should are two different subjects. I know we're both pretty young and well, not married and I don't want to get you into any sort of trouble."
Back then pre-marital sex was generally not accepted, not that it didn't happen, and we might be forced to be together for long time if any "trouble" should arise.
I looked him right in the eye. "Have you ever done this before?"
He bowed his head and looked almost ashamed. He came from a very traditional family. "Only with one other person. You?"
"Once."
Cal decided on our first night onboard Titanic that he couldn't wait until May. We were going to be married anyway. There wouldn't be any problem. I knew that that time would come eventually, but I still dreaded it.
He came to my quarters that night and after a few brandies he came to the decision that a few stolen kisses now and then were just not enough. I was tired and very ready for sleep, but I didn't argue with him.
Things had gotten rather far when my mother knocked on the door; she wanted to bid me goodnight. She interrupted us before we made it all the way. We had been arguing constantly for the past few weeks, but I had never been so happy to see her.
Cal quickly dressed and let Mother in. I was only able to dress halfway, but it didn't matter for I was under the covers.
When she came in it looked like he had just tucked me in. The sight absolutely melted her heart. She kissed me goodnight and left; Cal followed disappointed and unsatisfied.
I felt like I had been assaulted. Despite that fact that I was still palpitating I felt awful, shaky and used. I reminded myself that I was marrying him and this would happen every night the only difference being my mother wouldn't be saving me. I cried myself to sleep that night.
Manuel looked at me rather seriously. "You are sure then."
"Yes."
"Rose." He said softly.
"Yes?" He kissed me again and I slid back down under him.
I woke up the next morning in his arms. It was the first I had spent the night with someone. I wondered why he was so shy around women. From my experience that night I gathered he didn't need to be.
We were wrapped in an old dusty blanket that had been in there for years. I groped for my underclothes and blouse and put them on. I opened the door. Dawn.
"Manny? Manny wake up." I whispered.
"Hmmm?"
"It's first light. We should go back up upstairs now." I indicated the incoming sunlight.
"What?" He was still a little groggy.
"Tenemos problemas, Manuel." I had been picking up a lot of Spanish.
"Mierda!" The fact that it was morning was finally registering with him. He got up quickly. I grabbed my skirt, shoes, and whatever other piece of clothing I could find, and his hand pulling him out of the room.
He was about to dart through the kitchen when I stopped him. I looked down and cleared my throat. Realizing he was completely naked he ran back into the closet for his clothes. We ran scurried out of the kitchen as Manny pulled his pants up.
No one was awake. The coast was clear. We crept up the stairs to our respective beds. It was five o'clock and the house would be up soon. Breakfast started at six.
Maria was asleep too. I had never seen her sound asleep before. She was always in bed after me and up before, she never napped or even relaxed.
I slipped into my bed and fell asleep again after several minutes. First I stared at the sleeping Maria for a while. It was a rare sight. I didn't want to miss it.
Several minutes later Maria shot out of bed and started waking the house. She tugged on my foot and told me it was 5:15 and time to get up. I grumbled and fell back asleep.
She came back in at least four times after that telling me to get up. When I heard that everyone else, including Manny, was downstairs, I pulled myself out of bed and meandered to the kitchen.
Maria and Sammy were heating up the stoves and getting everything out for the day. Manuel was doubled over on the counter; obviously exhausted. Bookie was nowhere in sight.
I started for the big closet to find my apron. Bookie met me at the door and placed my apron and my pantyhose in hands.
"Missed something." He looked at Manuel and winked at me.
"Wonderful."
"Keep your knickers on girl. I haven't told anybody else."
"Oh thank you. I appreciate your charity." I put on my apron and stuffed the hose in the front pouch.
"What's with the bitter sarcasm?"
"It's not bitter. It's regular sarcasm…keep your knickers on." I mimicked him.
"Alright then…but just as a warning the others will find out eventually. There's never been a secret older than a few days in this house. We've been suspecting anyway. And Manny's decent boy and it's good to know he found himself a nice girl."
"Fine then, but it would be much appreciated if you didn't speak about it loud enough for the whole world to listen!"
"I'm not trying to! Just go put your under things back upstairs and cool off. Everyone probably heard you two anyway, but it's no big deal."
"This kind of thing is always a big deal for me. And don't tell me what to do."
"So you plan on carrying around the evidence in your apron all day?"
"Oh shut up Gabe!"
Maria called from the kitchen. "Manny wake up! We need you in here!"
"I've never seen anyone so cranky after a good night's fuck! Bleeding Christ!"
The noise halted in the kitchen and Manny's head popped up.
Maria and Sammy peered out. "So that's what that was." Sammy thought aloud.
"Manuel could you not mess around in the God damn storage closet. Food goes in there. Cristo!" She turned to me. "Rose I thought you had had better taste. Don't worry. Manny's not all bad."
To my surprise, everyone started laughing: including me. I was now on the outer rim of society. Everyone and everything was accepted and expected. I was with people that didn't disrupt life over minor incidents or new relationships between people. Take for example love and sex. It happens all the time, and it happened between Manuel and me and without it nobody would even exist.
Months went by and I was able to keep things up with Manuel, but we didn't have to hide in the storage closet anymore, but that's not to say we didn't. We moved into the extra room upstairs.
Business was good, but not crazy. I had a new boyfriend that made me happy and vice versa. Everyone was getting along well. Things were pleasant, but never calm. Nothing was calm with Maria Sanchez around, but we loved her all the same.
Around mid-July I caught a stomach flu of some sort or another. When I became very ill we decided to have Manny temporarily move back in with the boys and I had the room all to myself. Nobody wanted to get sick, but they all took turns checking on me and taking care of me.
I always detested being sick: feeling awful, being incapacitated and weak, inconveniencing everyone else. I hated it. I'd always find some reason to protest not being allowed to work. I sounded like a raving fool sometimes. I swear it was the Henry in me coming out.
Towards the end of the month I started to feel a little better. One morning I woke up and was well enough to come downstairs for breakfast. Manuel and I decided he could move back in with me. After breakfast I went back upstairs to sleep.
Those months between February and July had been peaceful for me. Although I never forgot it, my past had not been plaguing me. That morning I dreamt about Jack again. The two of us making love. The two of us interlocked: pounding, pulsating, and shaking so violently to make the whole world go away. Everything but us did not exist. Not the great Titanic, not those trying to tear us apart, not the world. It was just the two of us safe inside the sweet oblivion we had created. I lived the experience once more; every blissful moment of it.
We screamed and gasped the other's name. Then there was more yelling coming from below. But how?
I believe the conversation started like this…
"I told you so. Things are not looking good in Europe." No customers were around, Manny and Bookie were washing dishes and Maria and Sammy were taking a break and were out in the dining area. Maria was reading the headlines.
"What now?"
"Austria-Hungary has officially declared war on Serbia and it looks like France and Russia and Germany will do the same."
"Well that's what happens when you go around sticking bullets in archdukes and what not."
"Well I not taking my next vacation in Sarajevo that's for sure."
"Good for you. Do think we'll go to war?"
"Why? We're not Europe."
"So this thing is spreading. We're allies with some of these countries and you never know with Mexico. Things are not looking good here either."
"What about Mexico?"
"I'm not saying YOU'RE going to start shooting Americans or anything. I'm talking about Carranza and those people."
"I'm not angry at you for pointing out Mexico as a possible enemy."
"Alright then! And aren't you Puerto Rican anyway?"
"Hey I've lived here for years now. America is my home. And no, Manny was born Puerto Rico; I was born in Mexico. Our parents got out of there before the war. I don't think Manny even remembers Puerto Rico."
"But technically you're not an American citizen anyway."
"So? Technically you may be an American citizen, but you know you're sure as hell not treated like one!"
"Despite what anybody has to say I am more American than anybody here!" That's the first thing I heard when I awoke. As I was readjusting to the real world surrounding me the argument continued. I tried to fall back to sleep, but the hammering of voices kept me awake. "You, Manny and Bookie aren't even citizens and Rose's ancestors have only been for a hundred years or so. Mine have been here for thousands."
"I'm not talking about who lived on the land. I'm talking about the American government. Not set up by your people."
I hobbled down the stairs and stopped half way when I saw the two of them.
"What in the hell is going on here?!"
They turned around staring in silence. Now that they had stopped yelling they weren't sure what to do next. Bookie and Manny had just emerged from the kitchen. Manny came over to me, making sure I kept my balance on the stairs. I was still quite weak. I gripped his arm.
"From what I gather. Sam's revoked his citizenship and Maria's planning to invade." Bookie said pondering. "But I missed some parts of their little dialogue so I could be mistaken."
"Ya think?" I snapped. "Are we in Europe right now? Is anyone currently pillaging our cities? Has the President Wilson been assassinated? I don't think so!" I calmed down and composed myself. And then I proceeded to unease the living shit out of my friends by showing them a side of me they'd never seen before. When I am extremely angry I never yell or scream. I speak in a very calm, cool and reportedly eerie manner. I can't describe it and no one else can either. It's something I inherited from both my mother and father. "I'm very sorry for the mess overseas, but this is not cause for anyone here to go tearing at each other's throats. So any heated, and not to mention loud political debates are not necessary. I'm sick and I just want to sleep in peace."
I turned away to march upstairs. After three or four steps I lost my balance and stumbled, but no one downstairs saw it. Manny helped me up and led me back to the bedroom. He helped me back into bed and instead of giving me a kiss on the forehead and leaving as was his routine, he climbed into bed with me.
"What are you doing?"
"Staying here with you." He pulled the covers over the both of us and wrapped his arms around me.
"I'm sick and they'll be looking for you."
"If they know I'm in here with you they'll be too afraid to come in. You're very scary when you're mad."
"Then why are still here with me?"
"You're not mad at me. And even mad wild beasts need comfort."
"I'm a mad wild beast?"
"A very beautiful one." He leaned over and kissed my cheek and shifted back to his original position. I thought about the dream I had. I felt guilty. I felt as if I was betraying one of them. Two wonderful men that loved me. But which one? But the truth was there was no such betrayal. There is no crime in loving another person. There is no wrong way to feel. I knew it then, but I hadn't come to truly recognize it yet.
When I did wake up completely we were approaching Columbus. Manuel woke up several minutes later.
"How the hell do you sleep like that?"
"Like what?"
"Like rigor mortus has just set in."
We both laughed. "You're not as mean as you think you are Dawson."
"How am I mean?"
"Let me think. 'Shut up and let me buy the God damn tickets.' 'You sleep like rigor mortus has just set in.' You beat the living hell out that poor moron in El Paso."
"Hey hey hey, that was justified. Self defense."
"I know, but I needed just one more accusation."
"I know too, but I don't yield to the thoughtless lusts of drunks. Women are constant targets. It's men who are at fault for their sexual crimes. Apparently I was a 'little whore' for the simple fact that I was a girl in a bar. What is it with men that they can't control themselves? I've been drunk out of my mind before to but somehow I managed not bother anybody else with it. I'm not going to allow myself to be victimized just because I'm a woman."
"I didn't say anything. I've never done anything like that. I love women."
"I would suspect you do."
"You know what I mean. But I agree with you."
"Want to know what I was doing before this?"
"What were you doing?"
"I was with the suffragettes. Living in Chicago actually. Before that I was an actress in New York."
"That's impressive. Suffragettes. I wish I had that kind of ambition."
"Thank you. It's nice to hear that coming from a man."
The train came to a halt. We grabbed our things and got off the train. I was in the my new home. A scenic shithole. A desolate paradise. Which ever you prefer.
I was still excited. It was hot and dry, but it was still a gorgeous sunny day and I could feel the warmth all over my skin.
I followed him towards the local saloon and home. Manuel stretched out his arms towards the town. "Bienvenido a paraíso de mierda."
"Is it just you and your sister?" I asked still laughing.
"No, we've got two other boarders they work in the establishment too. Sammy and Bookie. Sammy's a Navajo from around here and Bookie's from England."
"Bookie?"
"Gabriel Book…Rose, may I ask you a question?"
"Of course."
"You're a suffragette, an actress, you're a girl on her own. How old are you?"
"I'll be nineteen this February."
"Cristo, barely nineteen."
"Well how old are you?"
"Twenty. But I'm a child at heart."
"Why are you so amazed at me being nineteen? You're not so old yourself. You couldn't have expected me to be so old?"
Then a loud voice called to us. "Hey Manny!" A woman about my age. "You were supposed to be back yesterday."
Manuel shouted back. "No you told to be back yesterday. I never told you I would."
We came closer. She really looked annoyed. "You don't have to be such a jackass about it all the time."
"Watch your language."
"Oh please. Spare me." She sighed. "Burro, aren't you going to introduce me to your new friend?"
"This is Rose Dawson. She'll be another boarder and work with us. Rose, this is my sister, Maria."
Maria Sanchez was a year my junior and practically in charge of her own business. She looked very much like her older brother, but was almost nothing like him. Manuel, although a little flighty, was pleasantly casual. Maria was for the most part friendly, but she had a fuse shorter than most drill sergeants. She was high strung to say the least.
She raised her eyebrows suspiciously. "You're not Manny's new girl are you?"
I was a little stunned by the question. "No, we just traveled together. I had no place to go and he invited to come here. I don't mean to be any inconvenience. I will work though and I can pay rent."
"Right then I like you already." She grabbed my hand and pulled me inside. Sammy, Bookie, this is Rose Dawson. She'll be with us now. Rose, Samuel Torlino and Gabriel Book."
Sammy and Bookie stepped out from behind the counter. Sammy was tall and thin and had long black hair down a few inches past his shoulders. Bookie was several inches shorter than I was and had wild blond curls. They were both about thirty.
They both gave cheery hellos. Maria led me upstairs.
"Okay," said Maria, "On the left end of the hall we have the little boys' bedroom. Right in front of us, the washroom, directly to our right we the extraneous we-don't-really-know-what-to-do-with room. We just use it for storage and it has a desk, an extra bed, and some chairs in it. And down the hall all the way at the right we have our room. Or as I call it: The Queen's Quarters."
"Very nice."
She showed me in. "That's my bed and you can take the other. And you can use that bureau over there." She offered to help me unpack, but she was called downstairs. She apologized and excused herself.
I was left alone in the room. It smelled like coffee for whatever reason. Maybe it was from Maria. She seemed like a potential caffeine addict from the way she dashed and zipped around.
I unpacked by myself. Making sure to stuff my old dress, Cal's old jacket and the necklace in a back corner and cover them up with my other clothes. Before in put it in the drawer, I took the old crinkled money from the coat. I hadn't touched it for nearly two years out of foolish pride. Even though I would have a way of making a living again I'd decided that if an emergency came and I needed it I would use it.
Using the money would not be shameless. Even if I did consider it dirty money I would use it if I or any of my friends should need it. It was time to be logical about it and grow up a little.
I had come this far. I didn't need to prove anything to myself.
Later Maria came back up to bring me downstairs. It was near dinnertime, but there were only a few patrons in the restaurant.
Business was slow as usual and they said I could officially start work tomorrow. Maria and Sammy were the only ones who really knew what they were doing in the kitchen so they mainly cooked and the rest just followed their orders.
For now I could just hang around and talk with my new housemates. After we each gave our abbreviated life stories (of course mine was extremely abbreviated) I went to the little player piano in the corner and tried it out.
After all the customers left I took requests from the other four while they told me about Columbus. There wasn't much there. Besides the railroad station and the streets and buildings surrounding our little establishment there were two hotels, some adobe houses, and the 13th US cavalry had its headquarters there. They joked and said the horses outnumbered the people.
We had a late dinner. Mostly leftovers from the kitchen. I had known them for hours only, but they felt like old friends. A bunch of other vagrants with no place to belong to. A Navajo Indian that refused to be kept on a reservation, a Mexican family forced to leave their home, a poor Londoner whose wife had kicked him out, and me, a single white girl with no family.
Then they tricked me into drinking the rest of the hot sauce claiming it was mild. I thought my throat had been torched, my eyes watered, I could barely breathe. I slammed my fist on the table in distress. I was about to grab a glass of water when someone tossed me a slice of bread and told me to eat it. I did and then a grabbed the water.
"The water only helps for a few seconds, the bread absorbs it." Sammy pointed out matter-of-factly.
I looked at them while I was recovering from my brush with Maria's flaming hot sauce. Now they were the ones who couldn't breathe. They were doubled over laughing.
"Bastards."
We went to bed after that. Maria and I stayed up talking until we both fell asleep.
The next morning everyone was up and bustling and getting ready for the day. It reminded me of New York City. Everyone was always on the move and purposeful.
I was awoken by a loud "Buenas días Chiquita!"
Maria and Sammy made everyone breakfast and then we got to work. I helped set up the kitchen and waited tables. The work wasn't very hectic. We rarely had more than four tables filled at once except for Friday and Saturday nights and holidays. Then it was absolute madness.
My first day at work was fun but uneventful. It was now Thursday night and they warned me about the weekends.
"It's absolutely crazy." Said Bookie. "Drunks, military men, drunk military men."
"Loud and lively, like a bottle of hot sauce." Sammy laughed. I frowned. "You drank the whole thing one gulp!"
Manny started doing an impression of me. Eyes bulging, slamming his fist on the table, and flailing.
"Very funny."
"Well we thought it was." He added.
"From now on I refuse to eat anything you people give before it's properly tested."
Maria waved the new batch in front of me. I tried to feign anger again, but I burst out laughing myself.
Friday night rolled around. And they were right. It was crazy.
I ran around in a frenzy trying to get everything straight and running smoothly. Maria was shouted and giving orders as if in an emergency.
Between orders I got hold of Manuel. "This is worse than that place in El Paso."
I shouted over the noise.
"I know. Isn't it great?"
"I love it!" Although it was full a loud drunks and smoke it was a friendly, upbeat atmosphere.
That night everyone else was completely exhausted so Manny and I cleaned up.
"Look at this place." I said.
"It'll be like this tomorrow night too…So I see you're surviving."
"As long as I stay out of the way of you people and your dirty tricks."
"It's regular occurrence here. Better watch your back."
"Dangerous place this is." We both laughed. The room was very still. The others had gone upstairs. It was well into the wee hours of the morning by the time we finished.
"I think we're done." He said. "Let's go to bed." I carried the broom back past the kitchen into the back storage room. After I closed the door I lost my balance. Manuel caught me. "You're a bit tipsy."
"I'm fine." I regained my balance and stood up.
"I don't know. If you're drunk you might not be able to control yourself and you might take advantage of me." I laughed at him. "Innocent, young Mexican boys are often victimized and corrupted by dangerous American women." We both broke down laughing. Someone banged on the floor above us. He forgot to mention how well sound carried in the building. We were right under Sammy and Bookie.
"Bloody hell." Someone grumbled from upstairs. We laughed more trying to suppress the loudness.
We fell to the floor again. "I think you're a bit tipsy too." He just lay there clasping his mouth shut, his face bright red. "Manny?" I poked him. He chuckled again.
"Get up. We have to go to bed."
Then he flashed me a strange smile. I'd seen that kind of smile before. Then it occurred to me. I hadn't so much as touched a man since Jack. Save for Hans Strauss, my Hamlet, but those were stage kisses and they were just a few hard kisses on the face during one of his mad scenes. Hans was a contortionist from Germany. (In case you care to know.)
Still, I did love Jack with the same passion I did two years ago, but he was never coming back. He was gone. He had moved on to something else and it was time I did the same.
I pulled Manny up by the shirt collar and kissed him.
He clasped his hands around my cheeks and pulled me back down towards him. Manny, although a decent man, could be a little less than truthful at times and irresponsible for that matter, but this was the first time I'd ever felt he was being truly honest.
Nothing else happened between us that night. We went to our separate beds a few minutes later. The next day things were awkward with him, but pleasantly so. We winked at each other when we thought no one was looking.
Saturday night was just as crazy as Friday. And after all of the customers left Manuel and I offered to clean up every night and give Maria, Sammy, and Bookie a break. Even Maria, our resident workaholic was quick to accept the offer.
We would kiss and fool around a bit after we finished and then go back upstairs. Such was our routine for several weeks. I started to really fall for him. I woke up every morning waiting to see him. He was tactless and silly, but overall gentle and shy around women. Our meetings were conducted as if we were schoolchildren playing kiss tag.
My birthday came and went. We had a small party that night for Sammy and myself. I turned nineteen as you would have guessed and Sammy turned twenty-eight.
That night after we finished our chores I went put the broom in the large storage closet just like I did the night before.
"Maybe it's a bit late to tell you this, but I've had a little crush on you since about the Wednesday afternoon you first came here." He said. True, I was a little bit in love with him too. I just laughed at him and pull him playfully into the closet. The door shut behind us. It was pitch black inside.
I searched for his face in the dark. The kiss last night had awakened the feelings that only came naturally to me.
I pulled his face to mine crushing our lips together. Then I pulled us down to the floor clumsily trying to avoid the equipment and boxes of preserved food.
He pulled away from me after a few moments. "Are you sure you want to do this?"
"Yes. Are you?"
"Do I want to and do I think I should are two different subjects. I know we're both pretty young and well, not married and I don't want to get you into any sort of trouble."
Back then pre-marital sex was generally not accepted, not that it didn't happen, and we might be forced to be together for long time if any "trouble" should arise.
I looked him right in the eye. "Have you ever done this before?"
He bowed his head and looked almost ashamed. He came from a very traditional family. "Only with one other person. You?"
"Once."
Cal decided on our first night onboard Titanic that he couldn't wait until May. We were going to be married anyway. There wouldn't be any problem. I knew that that time would come eventually, but I still dreaded it.
He came to my quarters that night and after a few brandies he came to the decision that a few stolen kisses now and then were just not enough. I was tired and very ready for sleep, but I didn't argue with him.
Things had gotten rather far when my mother knocked on the door; she wanted to bid me goodnight. She interrupted us before we made it all the way. We had been arguing constantly for the past few weeks, but I had never been so happy to see her.
Cal quickly dressed and let Mother in. I was only able to dress halfway, but it didn't matter for I was under the covers.
When she came in it looked like he had just tucked me in. The sight absolutely melted her heart. She kissed me goodnight and left; Cal followed disappointed and unsatisfied.
I felt like I had been assaulted. Despite that fact that I was still palpitating I felt awful, shaky and used. I reminded myself that I was marrying him and this would happen every night the only difference being my mother wouldn't be saving me. I cried myself to sleep that night.
Manuel looked at me rather seriously. "You are sure then."
"Yes."
"Rose." He said softly.
"Yes?" He kissed me again and I slid back down under him.
I woke up the next morning in his arms. It was the first I had spent the night with someone. I wondered why he was so shy around women. From my experience that night I gathered he didn't need to be.
We were wrapped in an old dusty blanket that had been in there for years. I groped for my underclothes and blouse and put them on. I opened the door. Dawn.
"Manny? Manny wake up." I whispered.
"Hmmm?"
"It's first light. We should go back up upstairs now." I indicated the incoming sunlight.
"What?" He was still a little groggy.
"Tenemos problemas, Manuel." I had been picking up a lot of Spanish.
"Mierda!" The fact that it was morning was finally registering with him. He got up quickly. I grabbed my skirt, shoes, and whatever other piece of clothing I could find, and his hand pulling him out of the room.
He was about to dart through the kitchen when I stopped him. I looked down and cleared my throat. Realizing he was completely naked he ran back into the closet for his clothes. We ran scurried out of the kitchen as Manny pulled his pants up.
No one was awake. The coast was clear. We crept up the stairs to our respective beds. It was five o'clock and the house would be up soon. Breakfast started at six.
Maria was asleep too. I had never seen her sound asleep before. She was always in bed after me and up before, she never napped or even relaxed.
I slipped into my bed and fell asleep again after several minutes. First I stared at the sleeping Maria for a while. It was a rare sight. I didn't want to miss it.
Several minutes later Maria shot out of bed and started waking the house. She tugged on my foot and told me it was 5:15 and time to get up. I grumbled and fell back asleep.
She came back in at least four times after that telling me to get up. When I heard that everyone else, including Manny, was downstairs, I pulled myself out of bed and meandered to the kitchen.
Maria and Sammy were heating up the stoves and getting everything out for the day. Manuel was doubled over on the counter; obviously exhausted. Bookie was nowhere in sight.
I started for the big closet to find my apron. Bookie met me at the door and placed my apron and my pantyhose in hands.
"Missed something." He looked at Manuel and winked at me.
"Wonderful."
"Keep your knickers on girl. I haven't told anybody else."
"Oh thank you. I appreciate your charity." I put on my apron and stuffed the hose in the front pouch.
"What's with the bitter sarcasm?"
"It's not bitter. It's regular sarcasm…keep your knickers on." I mimicked him.
"Alright then…but just as a warning the others will find out eventually. There's never been a secret older than a few days in this house. We've been suspecting anyway. And Manny's decent boy and it's good to know he found himself a nice girl."
"Fine then, but it would be much appreciated if you didn't speak about it loud enough for the whole world to listen!"
"I'm not trying to! Just go put your under things back upstairs and cool off. Everyone probably heard you two anyway, but it's no big deal."
"This kind of thing is always a big deal for me. And don't tell me what to do."
"So you plan on carrying around the evidence in your apron all day?"
"Oh shut up Gabe!"
Maria called from the kitchen. "Manny wake up! We need you in here!"
"I've never seen anyone so cranky after a good night's fuck! Bleeding Christ!"
The noise halted in the kitchen and Manny's head popped up.
Maria and Sammy peered out. "So that's what that was." Sammy thought aloud.
"Manuel could you not mess around in the God damn storage closet. Food goes in there. Cristo!" She turned to me. "Rose I thought you had had better taste. Don't worry. Manny's not all bad."
To my surprise, everyone started laughing: including me. I was now on the outer rim of society. Everyone and everything was accepted and expected. I was with people that didn't disrupt life over minor incidents or new relationships between people. Take for example love and sex. It happens all the time, and it happened between Manuel and me and without it nobody would even exist.
Months went by and I was able to keep things up with Manuel, but we didn't have to hide in the storage closet anymore, but that's not to say we didn't. We moved into the extra room upstairs.
Business was good, but not crazy. I had a new boyfriend that made me happy and vice versa. Everyone was getting along well. Things were pleasant, but never calm. Nothing was calm with Maria Sanchez around, but we loved her all the same.
Around mid-July I caught a stomach flu of some sort or another. When I became very ill we decided to have Manny temporarily move back in with the boys and I had the room all to myself. Nobody wanted to get sick, but they all took turns checking on me and taking care of me.
I always detested being sick: feeling awful, being incapacitated and weak, inconveniencing everyone else. I hated it. I'd always find some reason to protest not being allowed to work. I sounded like a raving fool sometimes. I swear it was the Henry in me coming out.
Towards the end of the month I started to feel a little better. One morning I woke up and was well enough to come downstairs for breakfast. Manuel and I decided he could move back in with me. After breakfast I went back upstairs to sleep.
Those months between February and July had been peaceful for me. Although I never forgot it, my past had not been plaguing me. That morning I dreamt about Jack again. The two of us making love. The two of us interlocked: pounding, pulsating, and shaking so violently to make the whole world go away. Everything but us did not exist. Not the great Titanic, not those trying to tear us apart, not the world. It was just the two of us safe inside the sweet oblivion we had created. I lived the experience once more; every blissful moment of it.
We screamed and gasped the other's name. Then there was more yelling coming from below. But how?
I believe the conversation started like this…
"I told you so. Things are not looking good in Europe." No customers were around, Manny and Bookie were washing dishes and Maria and Sammy were taking a break and were out in the dining area. Maria was reading the headlines.
"What now?"
"Austria-Hungary has officially declared war on Serbia and it looks like France and Russia and Germany will do the same."
"Well that's what happens when you go around sticking bullets in archdukes and what not."
"Well I not taking my next vacation in Sarajevo that's for sure."
"Good for you. Do think we'll go to war?"
"Why? We're not Europe."
"So this thing is spreading. We're allies with some of these countries and you never know with Mexico. Things are not looking good here either."
"What about Mexico?"
"I'm not saying YOU'RE going to start shooting Americans or anything. I'm talking about Carranza and those people."
"I'm not angry at you for pointing out Mexico as a possible enemy."
"Alright then! And aren't you Puerto Rican anyway?"
"Hey I've lived here for years now. America is my home. And no, Manny was born Puerto Rico; I was born in Mexico. Our parents got out of there before the war. I don't think Manny even remembers Puerto Rico."
"But technically you're not an American citizen anyway."
"So? Technically you may be an American citizen, but you know you're sure as hell not treated like one!"
"Despite what anybody has to say I am more American than anybody here!" That's the first thing I heard when I awoke. As I was readjusting to the real world surrounding me the argument continued. I tried to fall back to sleep, but the hammering of voices kept me awake. "You, Manny and Bookie aren't even citizens and Rose's ancestors have only been for a hundred years or so. Mine have been here for thousands."
"I'm not talking about who lived on the land. I'm talking about the American government. Not set up by your people."
I hobbled down the stairs and stopped half way when I saw the two of them.
"What in the hell is going on here?!"
They turned around staring in silence. Now that they had stopped yelling they weren't sure what to do next. Bookie and Manny had just emerged from the kitchen. Manny came over to me, making sure I kept my balance on the stairs. I was still quite weak. I gripped his arm.
"From what I gather. Sam's revoked his citizenship and Maria's planning to invade." Bookie said pondering. "But I missed some parts of their little dialogue so I could be mistaken."
"Ya think?" I snapped. "Are we in Europe right now? Is anyone currently pillaging our cities? Has the President Wilson been assassinated? I don't think so!" I calmed down and composed myself. And then I proceeded to unease the living shit out of my friends by showing them a side of me they'd never seen before. When I am extremely angry I never yell or scream. I speak in a very calm, cool and reportedly eerie manner. I can't describe it and no one else can either. It's something I inherited from both my mother and father. "I'm very sorry for the mess overseas, but this is not cause for anyone here to go tearing at each other's throats. So any heated, and not to mention loud political debates are not necessary. I'm sick and I just want to sleep in peace."
I turned away to march upstairs. After three or four steps I lost my balance and stumbled, but no one downstairs saw it. Manny helped me up and led me back to the bedroom. He helped me back into bed and instead of giving me a kiss on the forehead and leaving as was his routine, he climbed into bed with me.
"What are you doing?"
"Staying here with you." He pulled the covers over the both of us and wrapped his arms around me.
"I'm sick and they'll be looking for you."
"If they know I'm in here with you they'll be too afraid to come in. You're very scary when you're mad."
"Then why are still here with me?"
"You're not mad at me. And even mad wild beasts need comfort."
"I'm a mad wild beast?"
"A very beautiful one." He leaned over and kissed my cheek and shifted back to his original position. I thought about the dream I had. I felt guilty. I felt as if I was betraying one of them. Two wonderful men that loved me. But which one? But the truth was there was no such betrayal. There is no crime in loving another person. There is no wrong way to feel. I knew it then, but I hadn't come to truly recognize it yet.