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Green Eyes
Movement II: Disorientation

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I'm insecure, but I can't help it
My mind says move on
my heart lags behind
But I don't love you anymore
(I'm so insecure)
Never knew that love did this

I can't remember the last time I felt this way
about somebody
you've done something to my mind
and I can't control it
But I don't love you any more
(yes I do I think)
loving you is wrong

I'm so confused
you tried to trick me, yeah

...

Lois sat in front of the mirror daring the girl in the looking glass to come out and play. Right now, that girl was Lois's only confidant. She realized that now.

Earlier, she had reached out on her line of people who she trusted with her heart and had come up short. Not short in the sense that there were no names she could call on… but short in the sense that none of those were names she could call on in this particular instance. It was the visit to Martha Kent's office that made it crystal clear.

She had gone in with the intention of laying it all out for her semi-adopted mother – giving her the rundown of the situation and allowing her to sooth Lois's ruffled nerves and emotions with sage advice... but he had been there.

Damnit if he wasn't everywhere she wanted to be and everywhere she didn't want to see him.

But she realized that it was a terrible position to put someone else in – that airless space between a rock and a hard place – and that was just where she would have been putting Martha Kent. Right smack dab in the middle of Lois, aka Rock, and Clark, aka Hard Place. It wouldn't have been fair.

That was also why she didn't want to involve her cousin… but it wasn't the only reason. There was some underlying tension that had crept into Lois's relationship with Chloe that she couldn't seem to pinpoint. Well, that wasn't entirely true… Lois could pinpoint it if she really had to. Lois wanted to believe that it was a blessing to have talent, but did that mean that it could also be a curse? Chloe seemed to think so. There was nothing Lois could do to convince her little cousin that she wasn't purposely trying to take over her life and aspirations. Getting closer to Clark had just been the proverbial icing on the proverbial cake.

Lois didn't want to take her feelings to Chloe because it would be essentially placing her in the middle of an amicably hostile breakup. Yes, that was part of it. The other part of it was that Lois was afraid that Chloe might find some pleasure in the circumstances.

Lois blinked and shook her head at her reflection. It wasn't right to have those thoughts about her cousin. Nevertheless, she just wasn't in the mood to test the theory.

The truth was that she wasn't in the mood for anything that would attack the carefully erected mask she was wearing - the mask that had "I am fine" tattooed across the forehead. A mask she needed because the truth was… she wasn't fine. Not even close.

Lois didn't know when she had turned into the girl staring back at her. She had gone through breakups before – hell, she had initiated some, been on the receiving end of some, and had endured some forced upon her by external influences (named Sam Lane), but this was the first time she felt like this.

Just when she had thought herself to be worthy of a nice guy… he'd proven her wrong. And now she was feeling like she was drowning and couldn't figure out which way led up to the surface. She hated that feeling.

Did she deserve a nice guy like Clark Kent? Was he even the nice guy she gave him credit for being? There was something about him that wasn't clear. Why, when things had seemed to be going so well - why did he feel the need to break her heart?

Lois lowered her head to her arms with a slight thud. She had just admitted it. The only way someone could break your heart was if you gave it to them.

"How could I have done that?" she groaned to the air. Her heart was hers to have, to hold, and to protect. If Clark had been able to ease it from her iron grip… he must have put a spell on her.

Lois ignored the look her conscious gave her at that last thought.

"That's exactly what it was. Magic," she stated aloud, finding it was easier to drown out the objections 'on basis of insane reasoning' from her mind when she talked over them.

Lifting her head with defiance, Lois arched an eyebrow and eyed her reflection gravely. "Clark Kent has powers."

Then she burst into laughter… because it sure beat crying.

She tried to think how things might have been different had Martha not been Clark's mother and had been able to counsel her.

Lois cleared her throat and smiled at the mirror. "You think Clark put a spell on you?" Lois asked in a higher voice than her own.

"It's the only thing that makes sense," Lois replied in her natural voice. "There's no way it would have gotten to this point otherwise."

"Gotten to what point?" FauxMartha asked.

Lois found that she couldn't answer. Dang it. She had backed her own self into a corner.

FauxMartha tried again. "Was it love?"

Lois thought about it, her brow creasing as she tried to go back to the beginning. When did the frenemies become friends? When did the friends become more? When did more become love?

When did love become not enough? When did she become not enough?

"Was it love?" Lois repeated with a sigh. "Not anymore."

Neither she nor Clark had seen the changes. It was like the beginning of an avalanche where the first drops of snow were ignored. Light touches that eventually lead to a landslide… and everything gets consumed along the way.

"So you don't love him anymore?" FauxMartha queried, obviously having caught the gap in the last response.

Was it that simple? Could she turn off something that had slowly come to life on its own? Did the fact that he could be so cavalier about his decision change how she felt?

"You can't heal until you acknowledge there's a hurt." Lois nodded at the statement. It was definitely a Martha-esque tenant of wisdom.

So, how did she feel?

"Confused. Especially given the fact that I'm talking to myself in a mirror," Lois announced.

The bottom line was that the whole situation was making her waver between who she wanted to be and who she was seeing in the mirror. Lois Lane wasn't rocked by a man's declaration (or retraction) of love. Lois Lane had options. She had suitors, damnit.

She reached out and placed her hand on the phone, holding it there for a minute as she made her decision.

Finally she dialed the number and waited for the pickup. "…Hey, Sebastian - It's Lois. So, um, about tonight…"

...
tbc