Paris, February 1919
*There.* I smiled looking at myself in the mirror. After I returned to 42 I had to get new glasses. The rims were even thicker than my old ones. When I got to Paris I got new ones again. They were more stylish and made me look less like a librarian.
*Then again, no.* I took off my glasses and placed them into my handbag. I was out of some form of uniform for the first time in months. I was wearing my normal clothes. It was the first time in quite a long time I'd looked at myself admiringly in the mirror. I was wearing a white dress that exposed my shoulders. The ends were cut wavy and there was a big brown belt around my waist. It was something I picked up when I was in New Mexico. It was definitely looked like it came out of that area. My hair was half up. I was wearing long dangling gold earrings and rings on my fingers, my ex-engagement ring from Manny included.
I laced up my big brown boots, picked up my bags, and walked of my little hotel room and out into Paris.
The last time was there was seven years ago. Before our long stay in London we made stops in France and Spain. Last time was I was in Paris I was on a shopping spree. I bought from all the most fashionable French designers. Now I was dressed in clothing of my own design.
Today I decided to visit Montmartre. My mother would have cut my legs off if I even *asked* about going there in 1912. I did it to explore for myself, maybe see some places Jack might have gone, see the Moulin Rouge perhaps, and most of all: have a good time. I never found Madame Bijoux or the one-legged prostitute, but somehow I suspected she had moved on to someplace else. I wished I had gotten a better look at Madame LeClerc's hands.
I found another hotel that afternoon, on with a dance hall on the first floor. I bounced around everywhere until early morning. Nightclub to nightclub, dance hall to dance hall. I danced all night.
I was ready to drop where I stood by the time I reached the door to my room. Just as I slipped the key into the lock there was an "Oh my God!" There were actually two of them, but they came at the same time.
"You two again!" I skipped over to the balcony that overlooked the lobby. "I should call the authorities. I don't need to be stalked like this you know."
"I thought they sent you back home." Holden called.
"They wouldn't be expecting me anyway. You of all people should know that." I smiled knowingly.
"Staying out of trouble?" George asked.
"No, not really. What are you two doing anyway?"
"We've got weekend passes. Then we go home in two weeks."
"Back to Pittsburgh, oh joy of joys." Holden shook his first victoriously.
"Then go someplace else. I don't think I'm going back to Manhattan right away.or even staying in Jersey with my parents." George sighed.
"Where are you going, George?" I said as I descended down the stairs.
"Dunno.anywhere."
"Well, somebody's looking Latin today." Holden got a look at my outfit. "What's gotten into to you senorita?"
"Somebody Latin." George winked.
Holden looked at him.
"I used to live in New Mexico. Almost married a Mexican."
"I see."
"Well, boys, I'm off to bed." I sighed and shrugged.
"So are we. We're right up there, too." George pointed. He led the way upstairs. He went into his room almost immediately.
"Poor bastard," Holden sighed, I raised an eyebrow. "I didn't know him before, but I'm told he's very different than he used to be. We bumped into this guy last night who knew him back in Jersey when they were in school. Said he didn't think he was talking to the same guy." I thought for moment. Thinking about his whole demeanor when I first met him and then on the train. It was not the same. "He's still a funny bastard as ever I told him, but he said look he never *really* laughs at anything anymore. His fiancée.and did you hear about him when he first came over here?"
"No."
"There's a blast where he is, right? He checks for any other survivors and everyone is sure dead. He's there completely alone and is just being bombarded. Hours later he finally works up the will to crawl someplace else. So he climbs out and when he lands in the new trench.everybody's dead there, too."
"Oh Jesus." Of all the people that could happen to.
"He makes friends with practically all the men and all the men love him, but he's one of the most unhappy people I've ever met."
"Give him time."
"Well, I've got plenty of that if he wants it."
I smiled. "Are you going to take the job?"
"What job?"
"Your address was on the back of a letter or part of it anyway."
"Oh, which one? I don't really read his."
"Let's see.new niece, Tak from the mailroom, and of course the job offer."
"Yamamoto! I love that guy!" I cupped my hand over his mouth. The last people to turn in this hotel went in between two and three.it was four. "He's really funny," he whispered, "this tall, loudmouthed, Asian kid with a Canadian accent. It's the most amazing thing you've ever seen.I'm thinking about the job.but Tak's the greatest. "
"Then marry him. If you want to wake up a bunch of drunk frogs and soldiers you can answer to them."
"Come with me tomorrow."
"Come with you where?"
"Anywhere, we'll just leave for somewhere in the morning. George is going to see that school friend he found before and nobody else can stand me for very long."
"As you know I can't stand you for very long either."
"Just take me in strides, Bukater, take me in strides."
"It's the only way-oh and eleven at the earliest. I intend to sleep in."
"Amen to that. 'Night, Rose."
"Goodnight, Holden."
***
Noon
A knock came on the door.
"Alive?" asked Holden.
"I'm afraid that's rather a gray area, Corporal Hockley."
"Ack!" Holden spun around. He looked once more at my door then at me. "You're supposed to be in there."
"I'm supposed to be dead, too, but that doesn't seem to be happening either.I washed up first," I pointed to the bathroom down the hall.
"And you're back in uniform." He looked at my white uniform, cape, and straw hat. "I thought 42 had packed up and gone."
"All my other clothes are dirty, besides makes me feel important."
"And we get to prance around showing off that we're absolute Yanks."
"Of course."
We left the hotel a few minutes later and strolled down the streets of Paris. We ate breakfast.or was it lunch, at a small café. (Well, it was a mid-day meal, but also our first meal of the day.)
It was a beautiful day. Sun out, sky blue, air crisp. I loved Paris and now I could finally explore any part of it I wanted to.
We planned to go down to the Seine. Unfortunately, we got a little lost. Of course, because it was Holden and me, we worked it out in a polite and civilized manner.
"We are not lost." he insisted.
"Yes we are. If you ease up for one second I can get us un-lost." I grabbed the map from his hand.
"You should know your way around a little better."
"So should you. And I haven't been here in seven years, thank you very much. Now," I said, "if we head down this street-"
"It'll take us two hours to get there."
"Let's just ask how to get there."
"No, no. I can figure this out."
"Why is it men never ask for directions? Either ask or take this street on to that one." I pointed. He grabbed for the map I pulled it away.
"Will you quit thinkin' with your tits and gimme the map?" He grabbed it out of my hands. He started mulling over the map thinking up paths as opposite to mine as they could be.
Twenty minutes later we got directions.
By about 3 or so we found ourselves on the grass looking out at the Seine, (finally). It was an unusually warm day for February so I took off my cape and hat and stuffed my glasses in my bag.
"What have you been doing these past seven years?" I asked him.
"Nothing really. Lounging around the company working in the office doing monkey jobs and getting paid more than I earn. What about you?"
"Lived a bunch of different places. New York, Chicago, New Mexico, Texas, Los Angeles, Baltimore. I was in play and some stuff on vaudeville and a movie. And of course nursing school."
"A movie?"
"With Gigi Dubois. Met her right before her big break."
"That's something. Which Gigi movie?"
"'A Day in the Park.' A short. And I accidentally.at least I like to think 'accidentally' joined the Villistas down in Mexico and before that I was with the suffragettes, but besides the basic rights we were fighting for I didn't see eye to eye completely. The whole temperance thing." My thoughts went to our distiller back at 42.
"Well, you'll be getting the vote and no alcohol this time next year in the States. Didn't you have a distiller in your room back at 42?"
"Sshh." I smiled wryly.
"Yes, Rose, you are ever the rebel. You are so bad."
"Yes, we both are."
"Just a couple rich kids rebelling."
We smiled and there was a silence. We stared out at the river. I sat there pretending to be at ease and concentrating on thoughts I should not be having.
"Lady with a Parasol." he said.
"Hmm?"
"The Renoir painting. You look like it." I smiled not really knowing what to say. He continued. "It drives me crazy. It's not even the death thing after a while. The girl next door suddenly becomes this strange woman of mystery."
"I'm just me. I change like everyone else, but it's still me."
"No, something happened to you. Maybe a few somethings."
"I think you get the basic idea of what it is." I laid down next to him.
"You'll always be Bukater to me." he grinned.
"That's a scary thought." I smiled, whispering down to him.
"Well, whatever I say is creed." He moved in closer. His hair was flopped over his right eye.
I knew I wanted to-and badly. *It's now or never, girl.*
I brushed the hair from his eye and pulled his face to mine. The reaction was better than I expected. He kissed me back and deeply. He wrapped his arms around me tight. We devoured the other's lips and broke away after a long time. He helped me up, offering his hand.
"Let's go anywhere. I'll take you anywhere."
"Let's stay here." I pulled him back down to the grass and kissed him again.
"Of all the crazy things I've done I never imagined I'd be here like this. And I'd never thought I'd even fathom telling my brother's wife not to think with her tits.sorry about that."
I snaked my arms around his neck. "It's alright," I laughed, "I never imagined I'd actually like you this much."
"There's actually a lot to like about me, you just have to look a little harder." he said kissing my mouth every few words.
We lay there on the banks of the Seine. I curled up next to him and buried my face in his chest.
*Holden Hockley,* I thought, *never did pick conventional ones.*
***
After dinner we went back to the hotel to go dancing. Holden was waiting outside for me again. I was still dizzy from before. It was the kind of kiss that made your thighs burn. At least he could say he had one major talent up on his brother.
Holden leaned against the railing and breathed. A man came up to him. An Australian. Note to the wanderer: everywhere you go there will always be Australians.
"Hey there, soldier."
"Hey there."
"Waiting for your girl?"
He thought for a second. "Yeah." he smiled.
"Special one, is she?"
"Nurse, old friend in a way."
"Soldiers falling in love with their nurses, common tale.combination of fear from the battle and the sight of an angel that nurses you back to health."
"Actually more of a combination of incest and necrophilia."
"You're an odd one," laughed the man, "how do you figure that."
"Half-brother's dead fiancée."
"Sorry about your loss, son. Probably should've gone falling for her then if she was your brother's."
"No, she left him. And she's right in there." He pointed to my door. He breathed. "It's a long story."
"I might think so.well, I'd best be going. Got a date to catch." He slid down the railing. Holden waved. He turned around and knocked on my door.
"How long does it take you to get dressed. I thought you gave that speech before about sensible underwear? Does take 3 hours to get on, too?" I opened the door.
"Holy Christ."
I was wearing an old dancer girl outfit I'd picked up in a second hand shop a day or so earlier. Five months in the hospital eating that disgusting food and working 'round the clock I'd lost a little weight, but the "dress" I was wearing was still a little tight to put it mildly.
"It was an angel outfit, but they didn't have the halo and wings anymore."
"You bought a burlesque costume?"
"Sure did."
"Looks good." He didn't say anything for moment. I raised my eyebrow. "Just not used to seeing you like that."
"Let's dance."
We made our way down to the dance floor. We turned around to face each other. A familiar scene. Nearly eight years ago we danced together at my debutante ball.
"Remember this?" I asked.
"Don't worry. We'll have a little more fun this time." He grabbed me tight and swung me around and lifted me up.
We could've danced for days if we weren't thinking of other things. We took a break to get drinks after an hour.
"God, French women simply annoy the bollocks out of me." said the woman next to me. She was Lt. Patricia Jones, a British nurse. "Stupid, pouting, and brainless." We were staring at a display of British soldier flirting with a French girl. "I say we're just as attractive as that little twit and look at how men react to her."
"Think of where we'll be in ten years and think where she'll be."
She smiled. "That from someone dressed like a burlesque dancer."
"I'm with the Red Cross.or I was. Real men prefer strong women despite what anybody says. It takes a real man to handle anything more than or doormat or a bimbo. Maybe the same goes for women, too."
"Well, I'm off to shop around." Holden came up behind me. Patricia got a good look at him. "So I see the strong, overpowering American way does work."
"I hope the strong, overpowering British way works, too." I smiled.
"Guess who's back." said Holden. He gestured with his head over to the other side of the room. I squinted. "Annoying private and Calvert, twelve o'clock"
"Well, Banker, you have an intelligence rivaled only by garden tools." said George to the other men.
We went over to him. I asked George to dance.
"You're not as nice you put on you know." I told him.
"I'm too clever to be nice." He swung me around. "What's going on between you and the darling of Pittsburgh?"
"Nothing." I said innocently.
"Don't play with me, Dawson. You don't have to lie. He's a bit of ass, but he's good guy, trust me."
"Yes, George, there's something going on."
"You and the bouncing baby brother of Hockley Steel. Strange territory, but it shouldn't too unfamiliar."
"Calvert, you have no idea."
"Look at him over there I think he's getting jealous. I'll give ya back now." He picked me up, carried me over, and tossed me to Holden. "Catch!"
"Hello." I said to Holden.
"You kids have fun." He skipped off across the dance floor.
"Bye Calvert!" we waved.
Holden carried me out onto the dance and spun me around until he almost lost his balance.
"Aren't you going to put me down?" He put me down and held around the middle and spun me around again. My feet nearly hit a few people. Then we whirled around dancing faster than the music until it finally caught up with us, improvising dance that hadn't been invented yet. We were a hit.
After another hour we decided to call it a night. The stairs were crowded with people going up and down.
"'Scuse us. Slightly intoxicated Americans coming through!" he called, pulling me by the hand. I closed the door behind us once we entered my room. Holden gave me a mischievous smile.
"Watch this." he said. He made a monkey face. I started laughing.
"That's extremely attractive. Where did you learn that?" Realizing, he sat down.
"Tobey." he said softly. He ran his hands through his hair. I sat down beside him on the bed.
"I'm sorry." I said, trying not to cry. He pulled me close to him and grabbed my face.
"Never think it was your fault. It was war and you did everything you could to help him," he released me, "people die everyday. Why should we whine?"
"He was our friend."
"And don't think I don't miss him and it doesn't hurt me. I don't have too many friends and that goofball was the first guy to talk to me. He was one of the best friends I ever had. And Jesus, I know you were right there when it happened and I know what happened to you and I'm sorry I never came to see you after, but I couldn't handle it." As soon as he said 'you were right there' I started sobbing. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to make you.I'm sorry, Rose." He reached out, awkwardly, to hold me again; he was afraid I would turn on him and push him away. As soon as he touched me I fell into his arms. After a few minutes I got up to wipe my face. "Will you be alright?" he asked. He put his hand on my shoulder, about to leave. I looked at his image in the bureau mirror.
"Don't leave."
"Whatever you want." I turned around wiping his tears. I wrapped my arms around his neck and put our noses together. I kissed his neck slowly moving from one side to the other, caressing every inch of it with my lips.
"Make love to me." I breathed. He paused for a moment then brushed my hair behind my ear and kissed me fiercely. I found myself pressed to the wall, undoing his uniform. He lifted me up and pushed me harder into the wall. I wrapped my legs around his waist. We were still fully dressed.except in the key parts. Our foreheads were pushed together so hard we could have bruised each other. We gasped and screamed and moaned, nearly crying. Here's where I got a glimpse of just what an intense person Holden was. He seemed so passive when I first met him, seeming to avoid everything like he desperately wanted to stay on the outside. Now here he was, inside me from both ends, plunging in further and further, his hot tongue exploring every inch of my mouth. Some of it was from passion, some of it was from a shared pain-it was almost violent.
***
Hours later we were lying in bed. Eventually, we had worked our way over to it and managed to remove all our clothes. It was so intense, so desperate. We needed each other so badly, offering a comfort no other person could have given us. The war, Tobey, the secret-which I swear had more to do with it than the fact that I hadn't had sex since 1916. I never got around a lot, but when I did.
It was calmer now. I lay there, resting my head on his shoulder with my arm flung lazily over his chest. As a joke I offered to tell him what the Hockley boys had in common: he declined. Right now we were playing a 'name game' so to speak. One of us would mention one of our mutual associates and the other would say a word to describe them. Then the other would add on.
"Mariah Abbot." Holden said.
"Twit."
"Mrs. Hockley." I burst out laughing. I was laughing so hard it was painful; I almost fell off the bed.
"What a beautiful match. So she's the mother of your nieces?"
"The nieces I know about at least. Eleanor Frances, Isabel Rose, and Caroline Marie."
"Not only did it breed, it named a child after me." I sat up, stunned.
"All their middle names are for dead people. I guess they were running out.you really hate him, don't you? I mean you *hate* him."
"I have my reasons.reasons I'm not ready to share." He twisted his mouth. He really wanted to know why. There was more to the secret I wasn't telling-and I wasn't going to.
"Shit, I have to report back in an hour," he kissed me on the mouth and got up, "I'll see you back in the States, beautiful. I'll take you to meet my family. I'm sure they'll love you." I laughed. He grabbed my hands as I swung my feet over the side. "Wouldn't it be wonderful. 'Mama, Cal, Mariah, meet my new girlfriend, Rose.' They've got this family friend though. Her daughter was engaged to my brother. She was a little cool with Mariah when she came along. I'm not sure how she'll be about you. I know: we'll get married. The looks on their faces! It would be horrible, but wouldn't it be great?!" We laughed so hard
"Oh, it would, if only. Listen, when I get home I'm going back to California. Come to California with me, Holden." His manner completely changed.
"Why? I can't. I got a life someplace else. I thought about it before," he paced, "I'm taking the job.it's part of my family business and I like it. I'm going to take it over, you'll see. Maybe you could go there.but stay low."
"I can't go to Pittsburgh, you know that." I stood up, pulling on my bathrobe. He walked around the room, picking up his clothes and began dressing himself. "Besides, you'll love Los Angeles. I know you will. It's so much more exciting anyway, please."
"Don't misunderstand me. I want us together, but it would be so hard.who knows what they'll do to you."
"Spank me and tell me I've been a bad little girl?"
"You faked your own death for Chrissake! And you went to University-I know you would've had to pull a few illegal strings to do that. It'll be more than a scandal: it'll be nationwide news. I know they won't protect you like I will."
"You were the one who just told me to go to Pittsburgh!"
"I don't know. I'm sorry, Rose. I can't handle this. It's just too hard to figure out." He looked pained.
"If we want to we can make it, believe me," his expression changed, as if he'd just been shot through the heart, ".what?"
"I just realized this is never going to work.you may have been the best thing that's ever happened to me, but I'm not ready to deal with what's going to happen to us. We've been so foolish. If we don't separate now they'll tear us apart and leave scars our children couldn't wipe away."
"No! You're just scared!"
"Yes, of course I'm scared, but *just* scared?" He went to the door ready to leave. I stared at him pleadingly, but did not follow. "I have to go. I'm not ready to leave my whole life behind."
*You don't have to.*
"Rose.I lo-" he hesitated and gave me a half-hearted wave. Then the door closed with an unforgiving click that kept echoing in my mind.
I always thought I was immune to what was hitting me now. Even with Manny I loved him and felt utterly guilty, but now there was something else now. I went for seven years believing that with Jack's love I could never have my heart broken by another man. It wouldn't matter. 'Jack Dawson loves me; who else could matter?'
But I fell in love with Holden. He loved me too as it turns out.but not enough to stay. I would have stayed for him. Crazy as it sounds I would have faced everyone holding his hand saying: 'Rose DeWitt Bukater lives and I love this man.' God, I really did love him.
I left for America the next week. I touched down on my home soil for the first time in over six months and all I could feel was sadness and disappointment. I returned home regarded as heroine, but I never felt like one.
I hopped on the first train going west with two pieces of luggage and a broken heart.
*There.* I smiled looking at myself in the mirror. After I returned to 42 I had to get new glasses. The rims were even thicker than my old ones. When I got to Paris I got new ones again. They were more stylish and made me look less like a librarian.
*Then again, no.* I took off my glasses and placed them into my handbag. I was out of some form of uniform for the first time in months. I was wearing my normal clothes. It was the first time in quite a long time I'd looked at myself admiringly in the mirror. I was wearing a white dress that exposed my shoulders. The ends were cut wavy and there was a big brown belt around my waist. It was something I picked up when I was in New Mexico. It was definitely looked like it came out of that area. My hair was half up. I was wearing long dangling gold earrings and rings on my fingers, my ex-engagement ring from Manny included.
I laced up my big brown boots, picked up my bags, and walked of my little hotel room and out into Paris.
The last time was there was seven years ago. Before our long stay in London we made stops in France and Spain. Last time was I was in Paris I was on a shopping spree. I bought from all the most fashionable French designers. Now I was dressed in clothing of my own design.
Today I decided to visit Montmartre. My mother would have cut my legs off if I even *asked* about going there in 1912. I did it to explore for myself, maybe see some places Jack might have gone, see the Moulin Rouge perhaps, and most of all: have a good time. I never found Madame Bijoux or the one-legged prostitute, but somehow I suspected she had moved on to someplace else. I wished I had gotten a better look at Madame LeClerc's hands.
I found another hotel that afternoon, on with a dance hall on the first floor. I bounced around everywhere until early morning. Nightclub to nightclub, dance hall to dance hall. I danced all night.
I was ready to drop where I stood by the time I reached the door to my room. Just as I slipped the key into the lock there was an "Oh my God!" There were actually two of them, but they came at the same time.
"You two again!" I skipped over to the balcony that overlooked the lobby. "I should call the authorities. I don't need to be stalked like this you know."
"I thought they sent you back home." Holden called.
"They wouldn't be expecting me anyway. You of all people should know that." I smiled knowingly.
"Staying out of trouble?" George asked.
"No, not really. What are you two doing anyway?"
"We've got weekend passes. Then we go home in two weeks."
"Back to Pittsburgh, oh joy of joys." Holden shook his first victoriously.
"Then go someplace else. I don't think I'm going back to Manhattan right away.or even staying in Jersey with my parents." George sighed.
"Where are you going, George?" I said as I descended down the stairs.
"Dunno.anywhere."
"Well, somebody's looking Latin today." Holden got a look at my outfit. "What's gotten into to you senorita?"
"Somebody Latin." George winked.
Holden looked at him.
"I used to live in New Mexico. Almost married a Mexican."
"I see."
"Well, boys, I'm off to bed." I sighed and shrugged.
"So are we. We're right up there, too." George pointed. He led the way upstairs. He went into his room almost immediately.
"Poor bastard," Holden sighed, I raised an eyebrow. "I didn't know him before, but I'm told he's very different than he used to be. We bumped into this guy last night who knew him back in Jersey when they were in school. Said he didn't think he was talking to the same guy." I thought for moment. Thinking about his whole demeanor when I first met him and then on the train. It was not the same. "He's still a funny bastard as ever I told him, but he said look he never *really* laughs at anything anymore. His fiancée.and did you hear about him when he first came over here?"
"No."
"There's a blast where he is, right? He checks for any other survivors and everyone is sure dead. He's there completely alone and is just being bombarded. Hours later he finally works up the will to crawl someplace else. So he climbs out and when he lands in the new trench.everybody's dead there, too."
"Oh Jesus." Of all the people that could happen to.
"He makes friends with practically all the men and all the men love him, but he's one of the most unhappy people I've ever met."
"Give him time."
"Well, I've got plenty of that if he wants it."
I smiled. "Are you going to take the job?"
"What job?"
"Your address was on the back of a letter or part of it anyway."
"Oh, which one? I don't really read his."
"Let's see.new niece, Tak from the mailroom, and of course the job offer."
"Yamamoto! I love that guy!" I cupped my hand over his mouth. The last people to turn in this hotel went in between two and three.it was four. "He's really funny," he whispered, "this tall, loudmouthed, Asian kid with a Canadian accent. It's the most amazing thing you've ever seen.I'm thinking about the job.but Tak's the greatest. "
"Then marry him. If you want to wake up a bunch of drunk frogs and soldiers you can answer to them."
"Come with me tomorrow."
"Come with you where?"
"Anywhere, we'll just leave for somewhere in the morning. George is going to see that school friend he found before and nobody else can stand me for very long."
"As you know I can't stand you for very long either."
"Just take me in strides, Bukater, take me in strides."
"It's the only way-oh and eleven at the earliest. I intend to sleep in."
"Amen to that. 'Night, Rose."
"Goodnight, Holden."
***
Noon
A knock came on the door.
"Alive?" asked Holden.
"I'm afraid that's rather a gray area, Corporal Hockley."
"Ack!" Holden spun around. He looked once more at my door then at me. "You're supposed to be in there."
"I'm supposed to be dead, too, but that doesn't seem to be happening either.I washed up first," I pointed to the bathroom down the hall.
"And you're back in uniform." He looked at my white uniform, cape, and straw hat. "I thought 42 had packed up and gone."
"All my other clothes are dirty, besides makes me feel important."
"And we get to prance around showing off that we're absolute Yanks."
"Of course."
We left the hotel a few minutes later and strolled down the streets of Paris. We ate breakfast.or was it lunch, at a small café. (Well, it was a mid-day meal, but also our first meal of the day.)
It was a beautiful day. Sun out, sky blue, air crisp. I loved Paris and now I could finally explore any part of it I wanted to.
We planned to go down to the Seine. Unfortunately, we got a little lost. Of course, because it was Holden and me, we worked it out in a polite and civilized manner.
"We are not lost." he insisted.
"Yes we are. If you ease up for one second I can get us un-lost." I grabbed the map from his hand.
"You should know your way around a little better."
"So should you. And I haven't been here in seven years, thank you very much. Now," I said, "if we head down this street-"
"It'll take us two hours to get there."
"Let's just ask how to get there."
"No, no. I can figure this out."
"Why is it men never ask for directions? Either ask or take this street on to that one." I pointed. He grabbed for the map I pulled it away.
"Will you quit thinkin' with your tits and gimme the map?" He grabbed it out of my hands. He started mulling over the map thinking up paths as opposite to mine as they could be.
Twenty minutes later we got directions.
By about 3 or so we found ourselves on the grass looking out at the Seine, (finally). It was an unusually warm day for February so I took off my cape and hat and stuffed my glasses in my bag.
"What have you been doing these past seven years?" I asked him.
"Nothing really. Lounging around the company working in the office doing monkey jobs and getting paid more than I earn. What about you?"
"Lived a bunch of different places. New York, Chicago, New Mexico, Texas, Los Angeles, Baltimore. I was in play and some stuff on vaudeville and a movie. And of course nursing school."
"A movie?"
"With Gigi Dubois. Met her right before her big break."
"That's something. Which Gigi movie?"
"'A Day in the Park.' A short. And I accidentally.at least I like to think 'accidentally' joined the Villistas down in Mexico and before that I was with the suffragettes, but besides the basic rights we were fighting for I didn't see eye to eye completely. The whole temperance thing." My thoughts went to our distiller back at 42.
"Well, you'll be getting the vote and no alcohol this time next year in the States. Didn't you have a distiller in your room back at 42?"
"Sshh." I smiled wryly.
"Yes, Rose, you are ever the rebel. You are so bad."
"Yes, we both are."
"Just a couple rich kids rebelling."
We smiled and there was a silence. We stared out at the river. I sat there pretending to be at ease and concentrating on thoughts I should not be having.
"Lady with a Parasol." he said.
"Hmm?"
"The Renoir painting. You look like it." I smiled not really knowing what to say. He continued. "It drives me crazy. It's not even the death thing after a while. The girl next door suddenly becomes this strange woman of mystery."
"I'm just me. I change like everyone else, but it's still me."
"No, something happened to you. Maybe a few somethings."
"I think you get the basic idea of what it is." I laid down next to him.
"You'll always be Bukater to me." he grinned.
"That's a scary thought." I smiled, whispering down to him.
"Well, whatever I say is creed." He moved in closer. His hair was flopped over his right eye.
I knew I wanted to-and badly. *It's now or never, girl.*
I brushed the hair from his eye and pulled his face to mine. The reaction was better than I expected. He kissed me back and deeply. He wrapped his arms around me tight. We devoured the other's lips and broke away after a long time. He helped me up, offering his hand.
"Let's go anywhere. I'll take you anywhere."
"Let's stay here." I pulled him back down to the grass and kissed him again.
"Of all the crazy things I've done I never imagined I'd be here like this. And I'd never thought I'd even fathom telling my brother's wife not to think with her tits.sorry about that."
I snaked my arms around his neck. "It's alright," I laughed, "I never imagined I'd actually like you this much."
"There's actually a lot to like about me, you just have to look a little harder." he said kissing my mouth every few words.
We lay there on the banks of the Seine. I curled up next to him and buried my face in his chest.
*Holden Hockley,* I thought, *never did pick conventional ones.*
***
After dinner we went back to the hotel to go dancing. Holden was waiting outside for me again. I was still dizzy from before. It was the kind of kiss that made your thighs burn. At least he could say he had one major talent up on his brother.
Holden leaned against the railing and breathed. A man came up to him. An Australian. Note to the wanderer: everywhere you go there will always be Australians.
"Hey there, soldier."
"Hey there."
"Waiting for your girl?"
He thought for a second. "Yeah." he smiled.
"Special one, is she?"
"Nurse, old friend in a way."
"Soldiers falling in love with their nurses, common tale.combination of fear from the battle and the sight of an angel that nurses you back to health."
"Actually more of a combination of incest and necrophilia."
"You're an odd one," laughed the man, "how do you figure that."
"Half-brother's dead fiancée."
"Sorry about your loss, son. Probably should've gone falling for her then if she was your brother's."
"No, she left him. And she's right in there." He pointed to my door. He breathed. "It's a long story."
"I might think so.well, I'd best be going. Got a date to catch." He slid down the railing. Holden waved. He turned around and knocked on my door.
"How long does it take you to get dressed. I thought you gave that speech before about sensible underwear? Does take 3 hours to get on, too?" I opened the door.
"Holy Christ."
I was wearing an old dancer girl outfit I'd picked up in a second hand shop a day or so earlier. Five months in the hospital eating that disgusting food and working 'round the clock I'd lost a little weight, but the "dress" I was wearing was still a little tight to put it mildly.
"It was an angel outfit, but they didn't have the halo and wings anymore."
"You bought a burlesque costume?"
"Sure did."
"Looks good." He didn't say anything for moment. I raised my eyebrow. "Just not used to seeing you like that."
"Let's dance."
We made our way down to the dance floor. We turned around to face each other. A familiar scene. Nearly eight years ago we danced together at my debutante ball.
"Remember this?" I asked.
"Don't worry. We'll have a little more fun this time." He grabbed me tight and swung me around and lifted me up.
We could've danced for days if we weren't thinking of other things. We took a break to get drinks after an hour.
"God, French women simply annoy the bollocks out of me." said the woman next to me. She was Lt. Patricia Jones, a British nurse. "Stupid, pouting, and brainless." We were staring at a display of British soldier flirting with a French girl. "I say we're just as attractive as that little twit and look at how men react to her."
"Think of where we'll be in ten years and think where she'll be."
She smiled. "That from someone dressed like a burlesque dancer."
"I'm with the Red Cross.or I was. Real men prefer strong women despite what anybody says. It takes a real man to handle anything more than or doormat or a bimbo. Maybe the same goes for women, too."
"Well, I'm off to shop around." Holden came up behind me. Patricia got a good look at him. "So I see the strong, overpowering American way does work."
"I hope the strong, overpowering British way works, too." I smiled.
"Guess who's back." said Holden. He gestured with his head over to the other side of the room. I squinted. "Annoying private and Calvert, twelve o'clock"
"Well, Banker, you have an intelligence rivaled only by garden tools." said George to the other men.
We went over to him. I asked George to dance.
"You're not as nice you put on you know." I told him.
"I'm too clever to be nice." He swung me around. "What's going on between you and the darling of Pittsburgh?"
"Nothing." I said innocently.
"Don't play with me, Dawson. You don't have to lie. He's a bit of ass, but he's good guy, trust me."
"Yes, George, there's something going on."
"You and the bouncing baby brother of Hockley Steel. Strange territory, but it shouldn't too unfamiliar."
"Calvert, you have no idea."
"Look at him over there I think he's getting jealous. I'll give ya back now." He picked me up, carried me over, and tossed me to Holden. "Catch!"
"Hello." I said to Holden.
"You kids have fun." He skipped off across the dance floor.
"Bye Calvert!" we waved.
Holden carried me out onto the dance and spun me around until he almost lost his balance.
"Aren't you going to put me down?" He put me down and held around the middle and spun me around again. My feet nearly hit a few people. Then we whirled around dancing faster than the music until it finally caught up with us, improvising dance that hadn't been invented yet. We were a hit.
After another hour we decided to call it a night. The stairs were crowded with people going up and down.
"'Scuse us. Slightly intoxicated Americans coming through!" he called, pulling me by the hand. I closed the door behind us once we entered my room. Holden gave me a mischievous smile.
"Watch this." he said. He made a monkey face. I started laughing.
"That's extremely attractive. Where did you learn that?" Realizing, he sat down.
"Tobey." he said softly. He ran his hands through his hair. I sat down beside him on the bed.
"I'm sorry." I said, trying not to cry. He pulled me close to him and grabbed my face.
"Never think it was your fault. It was war and you did everything you could to help him," he released me, "people die everyday. Why should we whine?"
"He was our friend."
"And don't think I don't miss him and it doesn't hurt me. I don't have too many friends and that goofball was the first guy to talk to me. He was one of the best friends I ever had. And Jesus, I know you were right there when it happened and I know what happened to you and I'm sorry I never came to see you after, but I couldn't handle it." As soon as he said 'you were right there' I started sobbing. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to make you.I'm sorry, Rose." He reached out, awkwardly, to hold me again; he was afraid I would turn on him and push him away. As soon as he touched me I fell into his arms. After a few minutes I got up to wipe my face. "Will you be alright?" he asked. He put his hand on my shoulder, about to leave. I looked at his image in the bureau mirror.
"Don't leave."
"Whatever you want." I turned around wiping his tears. I wrapped my arms around his neck and put our noses together. I kissed his neck slowly moving from one side to the other, caressing every inch of it with my lips.
"Make love to me." I breathed. He paused for a moment then brushed my hair behind my ear and kissed me fiercely. I found myself pressed to the wall, undoing his uniform. He lifted me up and pushed me harder into the wall. I wrapped my legs around his waist. We were still fully dressed.except in the key parts. Our foreheads were pushed together so hard we could have bruised each other. We gasped and screamed and moaned, nearly crying. Here's where I got a glimpse of just what an intense person Holden was. He seemed so passive when I first met him, seeming to avoid everything like he desperately wanted to stay on the outside. Now here he was, inside me from both ends, plunging in further and further, his hot tongue exploring every inch of my mouth. Some of it was from passion, some of it was from a shared pain-it was almost violent.
***
Hours later we were lying in bed. Eventually, we had worked our way over to it and managed to remove all our clothes. It was so intense, so desperate. We needed each other so badly, offering a comfort no other person could have given us. The war, Tobey, the secret-which I swear had more to do with it than the fact that I hadn't had sex since 1916. I never got around a lot, but when I did.
It was calmer now. I lay there, resting my head on his shoulder with my arm flung lazily over his chest. As a joke I offered to tell him what the Hockley boys had in common: he declined. Right now we were playing a 'name game' so to speak. One of us would mention one of our mutual associates and the other would say a word to describe them. Then the other would add on.
"Mariah Abbot." Holden said.
"Twit."
"Mrs. Hockley." I burst out laughing. I was laughing so hard it was painful; I almost fell off the bed.
"What a beautiful match. So she's the mother of your nieces?"
"The nieces I know about at least. Eleanor Frances, Isabel Rose, and Caroline Marie."
"Not only did it breed, it named a child after me." I sat up, stunned.
"All their middle names are for dead people. I guess they were running out.you really hate him, don't you? I mean you *hate* him."
"I have my reasons.reasons I'm not ready to share." He twisted his mouth. He really wanted to know why. There was more to the secret I wasn't telling-and I wasn't going to.
"Shit, I have to report back in an hour," he kissed me on the mouth and got up, "I'll see you back in the States, beautiful. I'll take you to meet my family. I'm sure they'll love you." I laughed. He grabbed my hands as I swung my feet over the side. "Wouldn't it be wonderful. 'Mama, Cal, Mariah, meet my new girlfriend, Rose.' They've got this family friend though. Her daughter was engaged to my brother. She was a little cool with Mariah when she came along. I'm not sure how she'll be about you. I know: we'll get married. The looks on their faces! It would be horrible, but wouldn't it be great?!" We laughed so hard
"Oh, it would, if only. Listen, when I get home I'm going back to California. Come to California with me, Holden." His manner completely changed.
"Why? I can't. I got a life someplace else. I thought about it before," he paced, "I'm taking the job.it's part of my family business and I like it. I'm going to take it over, you'll see. Maybe you could go there.but stay low."
"I can't go to Pittsburgh, you know that." I stood up, pulling on my bathrobe. He walked around the room, picking up his clothes and began dressing himself. "Besides, you'll love Los Angeles. I know you will. It's so much more exciting anyway, please."
"Don't misunderstand me. I want us together, but it would be so hard.who knows what they'll do to you."
"Spank me and tell me I've been a bad little girl?"
"You faked your own death for Chrissake! And you went to University-I know you would've had to pull a few illegal strings to do that. It'll be more than a scandal: it'll be nationwide news. I know they won't protect you like I will."
"You were the one who just told me to go to Pittsburgh!"
"I don't know. I'm sorry, Rose. I can't handle this. It's just too hard to figure out." He looked pained.
"If we want to we can make it, believe me," his expression changed, as if he'd just been shot through the heart, ".what?"
"I just realized this is never going to work.you may have been the best thing that's ever happened to me, but I'm not ready to deal with what's going to happen to us. We've been so foolish. If we don't separate now they'll tear us apart and leave scars our children couldn't wipe away."
"No! You're just scared!"
"Yes, of course I'm scared, but *just* scared?" He went to the door ready to leave. I stared at him pleadingly, but did not follow. "I have to go. I'm not ready to leave my whole life behind."
*You don't have to.*
"Rose.I lo-" he hesitated and gave me a half-hearted wave. Then the door closed with an unforgiving click that kept echoing in my mind.
I always thought I was immune to what was hitting me now. Even with Manny I loved him and felt utterly guilty, but now there was something else now. I went for seven years believing that with Jack's love I could never have my heart broken by another man. It wouldn't matter. 'Jack Dawson loves me; who else could matter?'
But I fell in love with Holden. He loved me too as it turns out.but not enough to stay. I would have stayed for him. Crazy as it sounds I would have faced everyone holding his hand saying: 'Rose DeWitt Bukater lives and I love this man.' God, I really did love him.
I left for America the next week. I touched down on my home soil for the first time in over six months and all I could feel was sadness and disappointment. I returned home regarded as heroine, but I never felt like one.
I hopped on the first train going west with two pieces of luggage and a broken heart.