The Random Megaman Parody Show
By: Metal Sonic EX
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Megaman series. Nor do I own anything else that they might choose to make fun of.
At long last, the Command Mission parody is here! Just so you know, this is going to feature quite a few spoilers for the game. So readers beware! Now, what sick and twisted ideas do I have planned for this chapter? Well, I guess you'll just have to read and see!
Parody #9
A Parody of Megaman X: Command Mission
By: The X series
-Introduction-
(X, Zero, and some guy named Shadow are running towards ruins on an island while it's raining. They are thinking back to what their colonel, Redips, said.)
Redips - You're mission is to infiltrate the Lagrano ruins. Our sources tell us that the Rebellion army leader, Epsilon, is holding Force Metal experiments there.
Zero - So, nothing we haven't done before. Right?
Redips - Um… Yeah… I guess…
X - Just for the record, what is your name?
Redips - I am known as Redips.
Shadow - Redips?
Zero - What the hell kind of name is that?
-Chapter One-
(The three enter the ruins, but are soon separated by a falling pillar.)
Zero - Get to the top, X! Me and Shadow will meet you up there!
X - Right!
(X raises his leg and the entire world begins spinning.)
X - Now I know how the inside of a washer feels!
(The screen stops spinning and X is in front of a little robot dog that came out of nowhere.)
X - What the… Okay, that's it! Colonel Redips said NOTHING about random battles!
(X defeats the dog. He then continues up the ruins until he gets to a room. There, he synchronizes a signal with Zero in order to move on. As X turns to leave, a robot known as a Preon appears. X defeats it and the screen changes to the 'after battle' screen.)
X - Hmmm… I wonder why that Preon was carrying money and some Force Metal. I guess that it will forever remain a mystery.
(X continues on, dealing with more random battles as he moves, and he is finally reunited with Zero. Suddenly, a giant hippo smashes through the wall.)
Zero - Who the heck is this?
X - Who knows. But according to the script, this guy has absolutely no true role in this game, with the exception of being the first boss, mind you.
Zero - Whatever…
(X and Zero defeat the hippo and continue to a room that is missing the walls and ceiling. There, they are reunited with Shadow and are introduced to Epsilon. X starts.)
X - Epsilon?
Epsilon - Yes. It is I, the great Epsilon.
Zero - The great Epsilon? Man, what are you smoking? You only appear in chapters one and nine! I, however, appear in all but two, three, and four.
Epsilon - Whatever. I've got news for you though.
Zero - Really? Like what?
(Shadow lifts the sword that is his left arm to Zero's head. Zero turns around, unimpressed.)
Zero - Really now? Well, now I've got a reason to kill you.
Mysterious Voice - Sorry, but you'll die first!
(A whip comes out of nowhere and hits Zero in the shoulder. He doesn't even move.)
Zero - That hurt.
(A flying toad, a harpy-like female with a whip, and a knight-like robot come out of nowhere.)
Zero - I'm leaving. This is boring. Besides, I've been wanting to see that new Star Wars movie.
(Zero jumps off of the edge of the room and plummets down about five stories.)
X - Okay…
Flying Toad - Ha ha! That's right! Run like the coward you are!
X - You have no right to say that! Look at yourself. You're a freaking toad whose buttcheeks are currently being used as a jetpack!
Flying Toad - So…
Epsilon - This is merely part of my Rebellion army.
X - Okay, hold it!
(X pulls a copy of the Command Mission case out of nowhere and begins scanning the back of it.)
X - It's the Rebellion army, right?
Epsilon - Um… Yes…
X - Good.
(X turns the case around and the camera zooms in on the middle part of the text part.)
X - See? Right here! This case says that it's the Liberon army! What the hell is a Liberon! I mean, it's like calling Epsilon something like Espilon!
Epsilon - Okay…
X - Man, screw this!
(X jumps off of the edge as well and the chapter ends.)
-Chapter Two-
(X wakes up on a weird bed in a weird room with a weird person by him.)
Weird Person - Ah, X. You're awake. That's good. We found you unconscious at the bottom of the Lagrano ruins. You were holding a copy of Command Mission.
X - Yeah… Whatever you say… I'm outta here.
(X goes to get up when the weird person shoves him back onto the table.)
Weird Person - SIT DOWN! I'M NOT DONE YET!
X - Yikes! Crazy person!
Weird Person - Anyways, we call this place 'New Hope'. It's where we hide from the Liberon army.
X - What is it! Rebellion or Liberon! AAAHHH!
(X gets up and runs through the wall.)
Weird Person - I wasn't done yet…
(X finally stops in a large room.)
X - I think that I outran him. Huh? What the…
(A person floats up to him.)
Person - You are the Maverick Hunter, X, are you not? I am Aile.
X - Aile, huh? What's up with all of the crappy names all of a sudden?
Aile - Don't ask. Anyways, I want you to have this so that you can rescue Chief R, our leader.
X - Chief R, huh? And we have another crappy name to add to the list!
Aile - Well, your name is X!
X - So? I'm the hero of this series. The hero's name doesn't matter.
Aile - Point proven. Anyways, I want you to have this.
(Aile rips a bluish sphere from his chest and he hands it to X.)
X - Dude! You expect me to rescue someone with your freaking nipple!
Aile - It is not a nipple. It is my ID. It will allow you to enter certain rooms.
(X reluctantly takes the ID and places it in a Ziploc bag.)
X - Man, this is sick.
(The two turn around and see three white Preons standing there.)
Preons - Are you done yet?
X - Um, yes?
(Aile throws X into the room behind him and shuts the door.)
X - Aile? What are you…
Aile - Just save Chief R! AGH!
(X hears a fart on the other side of the door and, seconds later, he hears four explosions.)
X - Wow. He couldn't even handle his own gas. Hmm. Sad.
(X leaves a building after the news warns citizens about X's 'intrusion' on Central Tower. A giant reploid walks towards X, explaining why he reported X. A card comes flying out of nowhere and blows the reploid up.)
X - What the…
Mysterious Person - Trust me. I didn't do that for you!
(The stranger jumps down and holds a card towards X.)
X - Who are you?
Stranger - That doesn't matter. But your head will fetch a pretty penny!
X - Just a penny? Man, I'm worth a lot more than that!
Stranger - Whatever. Name's Spider. It's a pleasure.
X - Hold it!
(X thinks for a second before thrusting his finger at Spider.)
X - Spider is Redips spelt backwards!
Spider - What! Um, no it's not! You weren't supposed to figure that out!
X - Okay…
(X and Spider fight and X beats the crap out of Spider. I mean, he doesn't even get to attack! An alarm begins blaring in the background.)
Spider - Darn. Just as I was about to finish you off!
X - … Whatever you say, Sparky.
(Spider leaves and X meets him again not too much later.)
X - Ow. That hurt!
Spider - -picks up Aile's 'nipple'- What's this?
X - Put the down! A lowlife bounty hunter such as yourself has no right to lay hands on Aile's nipple!
Spider - Dude! It's a freaking nipple!
(Spider tosses it aside and looks at the camera.)
Spider - Sorry, Jango. There's too much crap like this waiting for me if I continue being a bounty hunter.
(On the other side of the camera, a bobcat known as Wild Jango is throwing a fit.)
Jango - Even after I offered him a blank check! Ah, well. More for me!
(X continues on and he eventually frees Chief R.)
Chief R - Thank you for saving me. But you need to rescue the city.
X - Why?
R - Haven't you heard? The Rebellion army has taken control of Central Tower!
(X rolls in a chalkboard and writes something on it.)
X - Well, that's two for Rebellion army and that's two for Liberon Army.
(The two suddenly get cut off by a transmission from Jango.)
Jango - Well, Arr! Have you…
X - Who are you? A pirate?
Jango - Be quiet you little… Anyways, have you decided to join us?
R - You can take my body apart and even the smallest screw would resist you!
Jango - Too bad. Because, it's about that you two…
(The scene changes to what X and R see on the screen. Spider is in the background, slowly backing away from Jango. Jango is dressed in a tutu and is holding a toothbrush menacingly above his head.)
Jango - Learned the true meaning of fear!
X - I think that I just have.
(X leaves and begins heading to the main control room where Jango has planted a bomb. X suddenly gets sucked into a random battle and the Preons in the control room scramble about.)
Preon #1 - Quick! He ran into a random battle! Pause the timer!
Preon #2 - Why?
Preon #1 - Because we'll be able to get out of here!
(X arrives just before the Preons leave and he blows them up only to find out that the Preons left the bomb off.)
X - I just ran my ass all the way up here for nothing!
R - X! Jango is on the port above you! You can get to it by going up that one walkway!
X - Yes! I knew that I'd be able to blow something up!
(X gets up to the heliport and Spider walks in, dragging his left leg.)
X - Spider?
Spider - I fell down the stairs. Now, let's get this guy!
(The battle starts and Jango begins bouncing around on his legs.)
Jango - Do you have a death wish?
X - No. Do you?
Jango - Um… Well… No comment.
X - Whatever. Stop bouncing around like that!
Jango - Well, I have to practice for my ballerina act!
X - My God…
(X and Spider defeat Jango and he blows up.)
Spider - Aile was an old friend of mine, back when I was bounty hunting. I screwed up and he took the blame.
X - That's nice. Why don't you just say you never knew Aile at all and you have a secret fantasy for swimming in a lake of raspberry ice tea?
Spider - WHAT! WHO TOLD YOU!
X - Um, okay…
-Chapter Three-
(R is telling X and Spider that they need the navigator, Nana, rescued from a POW camp. X and Spider are sent there. In the first room they enter, they meet an odd character.)
Spider - Hey there.
Stranger - -begins freaking out-
X - ………
Spider - ………
Stranger - Wait. You're not Liberon army?
X - Damn it!
Spider - Uh, yeah. We're building an anti-Rebellion force. Who are you?
Stranger - -laughs nervously- I am Massimo. Call me Steel Massimo.
X - You're not the real Steel Massimo, are you?
Massimo - ……… No. -sob-
Spider - Where's the real one?
Fake Massimo - He's hanging by what's left of his arms in a cell that's got a water-covered floor.
X - Oh… What to help us free the POW's?
Fake Massimo - Depends. If I do, will you help me free the POW's?
X - Sure… Why not…
(The three continue on and they soon come across a door that has singing coming from the other side. X blows down the door and they find an odd-looking woman bouncing around.)
X - What the…
Strange Woman - You have seen my secret training dance! Why you dirty, rotten, unforgivable… Prepare to feel the wrath of the super musical star, Rafflesian!
X - Someone didn't take their PMS pills today…
(The Rafflesian secret boss battle begins. Two enemies known as Belladonna's appear out of nowhere.)
Rafflesian - Who are you strangers?
Spider - We're your executioners, bitch!
Massimo - Let's get her!
(It is Rafflesian's turn. She uses Riot. She grabs her dress and begins to shake her body around.)
Rafflesian - Look at me!
Massimo - My eyes! I think that I'm going to… -becomes berserk-
(After knocking Massimo out of it and defeating the psycho bitch, X gets the Ultimate Armor Hyper Mode.)
X - Sweet!
Spider - Hey, X! I'll bet that you can't hit a can on a fence that's fifty yards away!
(X proceeds to shoot a can off of a fence that is two-hundred yards off.)
Spider - Too bad we didn't shake on it!
X - Loser…
(They continue on and the scene changes to a dark room. The navigator, Nana, is sitting in a weird-looking chair while a giant triceratops-like reploid is standing by her. This reploid is known as Silver Horn.)
Silver Horn - Anything to report?
Nana - No… Master.
Silver Horn - Good. By be a good little slave girl and make me some toast.
Nana - I can't do that.
Silver Horn - Why not?
(Nana holds up a toaster that's been crushed beyond comprehension.)
Silver Horn - Oh, that… Well, that Massimo fellow got pretty boring. Probably because he had no more limbs for me to crush. But…
(Nana sighs quietly and Silver Horn starts.)
Silver Horn - Wait! I remember now! I bought a new one right after I crushed the old one!
Nana - -cringes- You did?
Silver Horn - -holds up a brand new toaster- Yup.
(Nana sighs, gets out of her chair, grabs the toaster, and begins to walk out of the dark room.)
Silver Horn - Not to be picky or anything, but could you make sure that it's white bread and not wheat? I hate wheat toast. Yick!
Nana, -sigh- Right away.
(X, Spider, and Massimo break through the door just as Nana is about to leave. She throws the toaster into the air, making Silver Horn desperately grab for it. She then runs over to the group and begins groveling.)
Nana - Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Now I won't have to make toast anymore!
(The three gasp.)
Massimo - You made her make toast for you?
Silver Horn - Yeah. So?
(Massimo runs over, grabs the toaster, throws it on the ground, and begins to chop it with his ax.)
Massimo - DIE, VILE MACHINE!
(Vile walks in for no reason.)
Vile - You called?
(Vile sees the weird spectacle, then slowly turns around and sneaks out of the door.)
Silver Horn - My toaster!
(Silver Horn kneels by it, sees that it is far beyond rebuilding, and throws his hands in the air as it begins to rain.)
Silver Horn - NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!
(X begins to look around, confused.)
Silver Horn - That's it! Meet me at the aqua arena! High noon, two pistols! You're a dead man!
(Silver Horn stomps out of the room as Nana stops groveling.)
Nana - I'll help you kill him! Just keep going the way you were and you'll reach the aqua arena.
Spider - Um… Thanks…
(X, Massimo, and Spider continue on and soon reach the aqua arena. Nana is on the ground, not moving.)
X - What the… Nana!
(Silver Horn literally appears from nowhere and begins laughing.)
Spider - What did you do to her!
Silver Horn - Nana's been a bad girl. She didn't make MY TOAST!
(Silver Horn drops his foot on top of Nana and it goes right through her hologram. Nana walks in behind the three friends.)
Nana - Can't kill me! Nyah nyah!
(Silver Horn clenches his fists and he begins to insult the real Massimo. Fake Massimo gets ticked and punches Silver Horn in the stomach. He doesn't even budge.)
Massimo - Ah! Son of a…
(The screen begins spinning and Massimo yells 'Stop!'. The screen goes back to normal.)
Massimo - Wrong time! Sorry.
Silver Horn - Would you like me to throw myself backwards to make it seem that I was actually hurt by that?
Massimo - Yes please.
(Silver Horn throws himself backwards and Massimo replaces his fist.)
Narrator - Here's what supposed to happen…
Massimo - Feeble Massimo? FEEBLE MASSIMO! YOU SON OF A……… -battle begins-
Narrator - Due to Metal Sonic Ex's twisted mind, here's what actually happens…
Massimo - Feeble Massimo? FEEBLE MASSIMO! YOU SON OF A BITCH! Oops. -battle begins-
(Silver Horn stands up and begins to bounce his belly up and down.)
Silver Horn - Ready to be destroyed?
(It's Silver Horn's turn and he attacks with Tidal Wave. He slams his fist into the ground and a tidal wave approaches the three.)
Spider - Ready guys? One…
(The wave gets closer.)
Massimo - Two…
(The wave is above the friends.)
X - THREE!
(Just a split-second before the wave hits them, the three turn their bodies to the left in unison, making the word 'Miss' come up in front of all of them. The tidal wave ends and the three haven't moved.)
Silver Horn - What? But how is this possible!
X - Ha! You can't mess with the Miss move!
Silver Horn - Damn it!
(X and the others get Silver Horn down to enough health to put him into a Final Strike. Suddenly, Nana runs up in front of them.)
Nana - Wait! Can I do something first?
Spider - Yeah… I guess…
(Nana turns around and throws a piece of toast at Silver Horn's head.)
Nana - Here's your toast, you bastard!
(Silver Horn grabs the toast in midair.)
Silver Horn - Mmmm. Sweet toasty goodness.
(Silver Horn begins to eat the toast.)
Nana - No! Damn it! You aren't supposed to eat that!
Silver Horn - Mmmm. It's so… Toasty! I feel like I'm…
(Silver Horn suddenly grabs his chest.)
Nana - Psyche! I put anthrax on that toast! Mwa ha ha!
Silver Horn - Stupid… Broad… I'll get you for… This… May the toast gods have mercy on your soul!
(Silver Horn dies and Spider raises an eyebrow.)
Spider - Where'd you get anthrax?
(Nana points to the door, where Osama bin Laden is also eating some toast. Osama has a 'Mmmm' look on his face when he suddenly wrenches open his eyes, looks around, and begins to tiptoe away.)
Massimo - Hey! Isn't that…
(Osama jumps into the water and, upon contact with the water, does a perfect Dead Man's Float. In other words, he dies.)
X - Wow. He couldn't even swim. How 'bout that?
(X, Spider, Massimo, and Nana go back to Central Tower as Silver Horn picks his head up, looks around, sees his toast, grabs it, and dies again.
-Chapter Four-
(R is telling the group about Professor Gaudile. X suddenly brings up the subject of Zero. Nana starts.)
Nana - Wait! Zero's tall, blonde hair, ponytail, red armor, looks pissed all the time, talks like a surfer, right?
X - Pretty much.
Nana - I've met him!
X - Seriously?
Nana - Yeah! He popped up about one day before you rescued me.
-Flashback-
Narrator - One day prior to Nana's rescue…
Silver Horn - Anything to report?
Nana - No… Master.
Silver Horn - Good. By be a good little slave girl and make me some toast.
Nana - I can't do that.
Silver Horn - Why not?
(Nana points to Silver Horn's side and Zero is standing there. He looks up at Zero and does the 'Wassup!' gesture with his hands.)
Zero - What up, bitches!
Silver Horn - Easily remedied.
(Silver Horn picks up a gigantic foot and squishes Zero.)
Silver Horn - Anything else?
Nana - -sigh- Coming right up.
-End Flashback-
X - Oh… I'm sure he's fine! Zero always cheats death!
(The three are sent to Gaudile's laboratory and they sent off an alarm. They run into three Preons who ask why they're there. Instead of answering them, they blow them to pieces and continue through a door and go down the left side of a hallway with two paths. As they walk on, Massimo hears squeaking behind them. When they get far enough, the squeaking speeds up as a stranger runs down the other hallway. Massimo turns around. Phew!)
X - What is it, Massimo?
Massimo - I thought that I heard something.
(The stranger starts, looks at her feet, and quickly shakes the squeaky bunny slippers off.)
Spider - It's probably nothing. Let's keep going.
(The two groups go their separate ways and X, Spider, and Massimo eventually walk into a… Hey! Where's Psyche?)
X - The Preons are here, but Psyche's nowhere in sight!
(Psyche slowly walks in.)
Psyche - Am I in the right parody this time?
Massimo - Uh… Yeah… I think so…
Psyche - Oh goody! -twirls his fingers around- Quit your bumbling and get them!
(Psyche leaves and the group blows the Preons to pieces. The stranger finds a kid and has a talk.)
Stranger - Hey, kid. Do you live here?
Kid - No. I live next door. Of course I live here!
Stranger - Okay… I'm Marino.
Kid - Sorry. Can't talk to strangers.
Marino - How 'bout I smack you upside the head? Will you talk to me then?
Kid - I'm Cinnamon. Don't hit my head. I bruise easily.
Marino - Come on. You're that Force Metal Generator I've been looking for and I'm not going to give it up easily.
(Marino 'kidnaps' Cinnamon as Psyche finds Gaudile.)
Gaudile - I'll never join you! I'll never let my creations be used war!
Psyche - Gaudile! Epsilon is not trying to wage war.
Gaudile - Well, he's been doing one hell of a job of it so far!
Psyche - Forget it. Let's see where the Force Metal Generator is!
(Psyche begins pushing random buttons, occasionally looking over at Gaudile while twirling his fingers around.)
Psyche - Which room? Which room? Hey! What's this?
Gaudile - No!
(Psyche opens a file and a million pornographic sites pop up.)
Psyche - What the…
Gaudile - You never saw anything!
Psyche - Oh, I'm seeing all right. And I'm liking too!
(When they sort out their problems, Psyche somehow teleports ahead of Marino and he begins shooting her for no reason.)
Psyche - Damn thief! That'll teach you to not buy me Taco Bell when I tell you too!
Marino - Up…Yours…
(Psyche and two Preons who came out of nowhere kill Marino and Cinnamon runs up to her nobody, kneels down, and begins making weird moaning noises.)
Psyche - Oh, for the love of…
(Psyche knocks Cinnamon out.)
Psyche - I mean, honestly! It sounded like she was having an…
Metal Sonic EX - OKAY! We can cut it off there and continue, okay?
(X, Spider, and Massimo reach the room where Marino is and she jumps to her feet.)
Marino - Who'd of thought that the good ol' playing dead trick would actually fool Psyche?
(X and Massimo raise their hands.)
X - He's kinda like that. I'm X.
Marino - I'm Marino. Now let's kick some ass!
(The four manage to get to the entrance of the Eternal Forest.)
Gaudile - Hurry up and go through the easiest trail. Hurry and savor Cinnamon.
Everyone Else - WHAT?
Gaudile - SAVE! I meant save. Hehe…..
(Just to tick Gaudile off, they go through EVERY possible trail and then they go for it. They manage to catch Psyche on a giant tree stump.)
Psyche - Wha… Lousy thief! You should be dead!
Marino - Just like Zero. Never say die with me.
Psyche - Whatever. Prepare to meet your end!
X - Go ahead! Make my millennium! Hahahahaha!
(The battle starts and Psyche begins bouncing around.)
Psyche - You'll make a good specimen!
Spider - What are we? Butterflies?
(It's Psyche's turn. He uses Summon Needles and he begins dancing around. For no reason, a very annoying song can be heard when he does this.)
Weird Song - Numa numa nah! Numa numa numa nah!
X - NO! NOT THE NUMA NUMA SONG! ANYTHING BUT THAT!
Psyche - -stops dancing- Anything?
X - Statement withdrawn.
Psyche - Oh… Okay… -resumes dancing-
(After blowing several tape recorders to pieces, they finally continue the fight. After a while, Psyche loses, begins dancing one last time to the Numa Numa song, and his heads pops off. It attaches to a giant nautilus-like robot and a second fight ensues.)
Mad Nautilus - You'll never beat my evolved form!
Marino - Yawn. Same old… Same old…
(The group waits until Mad Nautilus lifts the visor blocking his weak point.)
Mad Nautilus - Peekaboo!
(Mad Nautilus quickly regrets saying that as everyone is prepared for one major ass-kicking.)
Good Guys - We see you!
(The group beats the crap out of Mad Nautilus and he begins to blow up.)
Mad Nautilus - My life's work!
Gaudile - It was crap! All of it was!
(Cinnamon begins telling Gaudile that she wants to help X fight. She begins talking in a monotone.)
Cinnamon - I. Am. Not. Being. Used.
Gaudile - Okay…
X - What's the verdict, professor?
Gaudile - I say… Guilty! You're all guilty of high treason!
Massimo - Can I knock him out?
Marino - Meh. Go ahead.
(Massimo knocks Gaudile out and the five return to Central Tower.)
I hate to do this, but we'll have to call it quits for now. This will be a multi-chapter parody. How many chapters will it be is still a mystery to me. So, until next time, please Read and Review!