Scene 4
Frodo is channel surfing, staring intently at the TV. Dumbledore appears with a "magical" pop. Frodo looks up.
FRODO: Golly, Gandalf! You took a bath! And dried your hair! IT'S A MIRACLE!! But, what happened to your staff? It's so short! It's like THEEESSS beeg. (Holds fingers about three inches apart, goes cross-eyed and keels over.)
DUMBLEDORE: (looks around with mild interest) Hmm... What a curious place I'm in. And what a strange little person! I have the feeling I've seen him before... and for some reason I'm forcibly reminded of sponge cake. I wonder why. Oh well. When in doubt, get the butterbeer out. (Conjures a bottle of butterbeer out of nowhere and takes a swig with his pinky extended and sits on the couch)
GANDALF comes through the door.
GANDALF: (muttering) DOOM! RING! HOBBIT! RING! MORE DOOM! DOOM DOOM DOOM!
DUMBLEDORE: I say, what's your name?
GANDALF: I don't remember. Let me check my staff! (Reading with difficulty) GIIIINNNDILLLLFF... wait... that's not right... Gindalf Gandilf Gandorf Forgnam...
DUMBLEDORE: coughgandalfcough
GANDALF: Oh, thank you sir. I'm not usually like this... it's just that I get very nervous around clean people!
DUMBLEDORE: ...that's quite all right, not-that-clean person!
GANDALF: (looking at FRODO) Is he dead?
DUMBLEDORE: No, he's not dead yet.
GANDALF: But he looks like he should be stone dead in a minute.
DUMBLEDORE: (examining FRODO's hand) Well, his life line says he should have been dead last Tuesday, but I might be wrong on that. Divination is such an obscure branch of magic. Never saw the point in taking it.
FRODO: (coming to) Oh my goodness!! Two old men in dresses!!
GANDALF: The guy at the store told me it was a man-dress!
DUMBLEDORE: Oh sure, just like it was a man-purse, too!
GANDALF: Is it just me, or do we shop at the same store?
DUMBLEDORE: It's just you.
GANDALF: Well, enough chit-chat... I've a message. Frodo, um you must take the ring to Mordor and save the world.
SAM: (jumping in the window) Did someone say something about a ring?
GANDALF: Fool of a—uh... Gamgee! Were you eavesdropping?
SAM: I wasn't droppin' no eaves sir, honest... just some dung bombs!!
DUMBLEDORE: I thought I smelled something, but I figured it was just that other guy in a dress.
GANDALF: Man-dress!!!
SAM: Anyways... this ring... can I give it to Ffff--Rosy?
FRODO: (shuffling away from Sam) No, Gandalf said it's dangerous.
SAM: Why's it dangerous?
GANDALF: I forget why, it must be the medication; it does funny things to my head. CHEESE!
BILBO: (V.O.) Hey! That's my line!
GANDALF: Oh, sorry old man!
BILBO: I'm only fifty!!
DUMBLEDORE: ??
FRODO: It's that nuclear warhead again.
SAM: (suddenly looking off camera) Golly! The Nazgul traded in their horses for pink ponies!
DUMBLEDORE: What are Nazgul?
SAM holds up a badly drawn picture.
DUMBLEDORE: IT'S A DEMENTOR! Oh no, wait... that's Cornelius Fudge, before his morning coffee!!! RUN AWAY!!
FRODO: UM... speaking of coffee, who wants some sponge cake??
GANDALF: Forget about sponge cake, there are pink ponies coming our way!
SAM: And that's not all! They're... SPARKLY!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
All run away.