Scene 6
In Bree.
BARTENDER: Who are you, eh?
FRODO: My name is Donald Trump!! And my apprentice is on THURSDAYS!!! Don't watch Martha's!!
BILBO: (V.O.) I heard that!!
FRODO: Shut up fool!!
BILBO: I'm not an old man!!
FRODO: I never said you were!!
BILBO: I don't care! I'm only fifty!!
MERRY: Let's order some drinks, Frooo-----ooonald!
FRODO: We'll have a room, four pints, eight hotdogs, some chili cheese fries, and a bowl of Fettuccini Alfredo. Oh, and can we have chicken with that?
PIPPIN: It comes in pints??
BARTENDER: What, the hotdogs, fries, rooms, or Alfredo?
PIPPIN: I forget. What was the question again?
BARTENDER: Um, never mind. (BARTENDER hands them some mugs.)
Um, sorry, we're out of hotdog buns, fries, condiments, and fettuccini. You can have some Alfredo sauce on hotdogs though.
BILBO: What about cheese?
FRODO: Just forget it.
We see Merry and Pippin watching the singers in the corner.
PIPPIN: Look, live music!
MERRY: You idiot, that's the radio!
PIPPIN: (groaning) Can we change the channel? The news is coming on.
MERRY: Sorry, only one channel this time of year, Christmas music.
PIPPIN: It's not even Christmas yet!
MERRY: Shut up! I want to listen to the news!
ANNOUNCER #1: That long set of music was brought to you by—
ANNOUNCER #2: Dirt. It's everywhere. Get used to it.
MIKE: You're listening to 379.1 BREE FM. It's time for Traffic and weather together on the 8's. I'm Mike Delving, here with Tom Bombadil with the weather. Tom?
TOM: Well, Mike, there's going to be some scattered showers all through tonight and most of tomorrow, with the clouds clearing up sometime in the evening. Blustery on Wednesday, with the winds of change blowing in dark clouds from the east. All through the week, temperatures are going to be in the seventies, dropping slightly in the evenings. Back to you, Mike.
MIKE: Thanks, Tom. Well, the outerloop is muzzle to cart as far as the eye can see due to an accident on route 2. The accident occurred when a speeding horse crashed into a deer. They are currently locked in combat and are blocking the entire road, but animal control is expected to show up at any moment. Also, all the roads going into Mordor have been closed until further notice due to excessive evil and orc blockage.
FRODO: Oh snap.
SAM: Frodo, that fellow over there has done nothing but stare at you since we've arrived. I'm going to go give him what's coming to him.
FRODO: ??
SAM: NOTHING!!!
BILBO: Let's throw cheese at him!!
FRODO: Just kill me now.
Skip back to MERRY and PIPPIN
MIKE: In other news, local teens have been fined for being in the possession of butterbeer on school grounds. Butterbeer is an illegal and dangerous substance and any findings of it in any of the four farthings of the shire will result in serious consequences.
DUMBLEDORE: I say, do you have any butterbeer?
PIPPIN: How could you?
FRODO: What in Arda is butterbeer?
DUMBLEDORE: It's this delightful stuff that warms you from the tip of your toes to the top of your brain.
GANDALF: What brain?
FRODO: Nope don't have it.
GANDALF: What, the brain or the butterbeer?
DUMBLEDORE: I'll just Apparate you back, and you can fetch some for me!!
FRODO: What?? (Disappears)
ARAGORN: ??
FRODO: (comes back with a bottle of butterbeer looking slightly electrocuted)... Um, what just happened?
DUMBLEDORE: (taking the bottle) Thank you very much. (Drinks the whole thing in one swig and burps loudly).
ARAGORN: (Seizes FRODO by the arm) I can avoid being seen if I wish, but to disappear entirely, that is a rare gift.
FRODO: But, but, but…
ARAGORN: Are you frightened?
Merry and Pippin are watching a program on the radio. We never see it, but we hear it.
MARY: John!
JOHN: Mary!
MARY: John!
JOHN: Mary!
MARY: Kiss me you fool!
JOHN: Never!
MARY: But John...
JOHN: I never loved you!
MARY: John...
JOHN: Do you remember... Shirley?
MARY: No... No... (starts crying)
During this whole time, Pippin is getting progressively more emotional, eventually sobbing on Merry's shoulder.
PIPPIN: What are you doing, John?
MARY: What are you doing, John?
PIPPIN: Can't you see she loves you?
MARY: Can't you see I love you?
PIPPIN: No, John, don't!!
MARY: No! John! DON'T!
We hear a few rounds from a machine gun. PIPPIN loses it.
PIPPIN: NOOOOOO!!! John, how could you?
We come back to FRODO, who is lying on a futon, and ARAGORN, who is sitting on a chair, taking notes avidly and peering over his spectacles.
FRODO: Well, just earlier I was running down the streets of New York being chased by Barney with a chainsaw, at least I think I was, I don't know what New York is, or Barney, or a chainsaw for that matter, but it was all so painfully real. I've got scars right—well no actually, but I vaguely remember Merry on the sidelines yelling, "Slow down Frodo you're about to run into a uranium spill!" and the next thing I knew I was all short and hairy…
DUMBLEDORE: HA! HAIRY… HARRY!! HAHAHA! Do you know, I think it actually gets funnier when I repeat it maniacally!! HAIRY HARRY HAIRY!
ARAGORN: I was going to say something dark and gloomy, but the sight of that clean man made me forget! Who am I again?
SAM: We never even knew who you were in the first place!!
DUMBLEDORE: I do!! I've read the book!!
PIPPIN: There's a book? What's a book?
SAM: Well, who is he then?
DUMBLEDORE: His name is… Spider!!
ARAGORN: It's Strider, you idiot!
DUMBLEDORE: That's what I said!!
ARAGORN: No you didn't!!
DUMBLEDORE: Yes I did!
ARAGORN: Well I say you didn't! And you can't argue with me; I'm the king of this dump!!
DUMBLEDORE: This must be a very dirty place.
BARTENDER: AHH!! Something... pink... and sparkly… coming this way… NOOO! RUN AWAY YOU FOOLS!!
DUMBLEDORE: Oh yes, it's Dolores, escaped from St. Mungo's!! How interesting. (Looks around bemusedly) I've got a long and complicated answer for this too!! (Takes a deep breath)
FRODO grabs DUMBLEDORE and runs.
FRODO: Come on old man!!
BILBO: I'm only 50!!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This will get better. We promise.