Scene 12
At the bridge of Khazad-dum
GANDALF: How did we get here?
FRODO: (pauses guiltily for a moment) It must be the magic of movie making?
PRODUCER: (V.0.) Quiet, fool! It's all real!! ALL OF IT!! And don't try to suggest otherwise. Do you want me to take back that twenty dollar bill?
FRODO: NO!!! NOT THE TWENTY DOLLAR BILL! HEY GUYS!! IT'S ALL REAL!! IT'S ALL REAL!! (laughs maniacally)
SAM: Are you feeling all right, Mr. Frodo? Should I get the thermometer?
FRODO: Which one?
SAM: The other one.
FRODO: You'd like, that wouldn't you? My, but you're a shrewd little man. Anyways... We're here, so let's go over the bridge!!
ARAGORN: Wait a minute, where did that clean man go?
DUMBLEDORE: (appearing out of nowhere) I'm here! I just had to Apparate back to Hogwarts and get some more butterbeer!
ARAGORN: Why didn't you just stay there??
DUMBLEDORE: It's so much more exciting here! All I hear back home is Professor Dumbledore do this, Professor Dumbledore do that, come defeat dark wizards for us, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's nice to have people NOT need me for a change.
GANDALF: You're right. We definitely don't need you.
FRODO: Well, who's going to go first? Not me, anyway.
ALL point at FRODO.
GANDALF: Thanks for volunteering, Frodo!
FRODO: Why me? Why not that girly man over there with the blonde hair?
LEGOlAS: You're pushing it, midget-man. Just because I use deodorant every once and a...
GIMLI: No one tosses a dwarf!
LEGOLAS: (Exasperated sigh)
ARAGORN: Can we just go! There's a Balrog coming our way.
FRODO: (nervously steps onto the bridge) Are you sure this is safe?
GANDALF: Of course not. That's why you're going first.
SAM: No! Sacrifice me instead!
FRODO: OK!
SAM: On second thought, who will carry you up the mountain in the last scene if I fall?
FRODO: You know what, I'll just go. You know why? If I go first, there's more of a chance that the bridge will weaken while YOU'RE on it and as soon as the clean man gets on you'll all fall to your deaths! And then I'll be free! FREE!! (laughs maniacally and runs across the bridge)
The fellowship follows, one at a time. Sam, glancing nervously around muttering "Do it for Mr. Frodo... do it for Mr. Frodo...", Gimli "No one tosses a dwarf!!" Legolas, rolling his eyes, Aragorn, striding gallantly, and we briefly see Boromir dashing the bridge. GANDALF and DUMBLEDORE are still on the other side.
GANDALF: Hey, Arthur.
DUMBLEDORE: That's Albus.
GANDALF: Shut up. No one cares, Alfred.
DUMBLEDORE: ALBUS!!
GANDALF: Whatever. Now, Albert, you see, there's this giant fiery monster coming our way, and I need you to slay it for me.
DUMBLEDORE: What's in it for me?
GANDALF: Um... you get an... um.. I SLAYED A BALROG badge!
DUMBLEDORE: Does it have wings?
GANDALF: I DON'T KNOW!! Anyways.. it doesn't matter.
DUMBLEDORE: All right. Just curious.
GANDALF: Go get 'em, Alice!!
Lifts up skirt and walks daintily across the bridge.
(To the others) Well, that's the last we'll see of him... no more stupid butterbeer... what is butterbeer anyways?
SAM: We may never know.
DUMBLEDORE: Back, you monster, back!! (picks up slipper and throws it, Balrog chases after it)
GANDALF: I did it! I defeated the Balrog!! (Falls off bridge) FLY YOU FOOLS!!
PIPPIN: I can't fly!!
SAM: JUST RUN YOU IDIOT!!
PIPPIN: Oh. Okay. I can't run either!
SAM: Um... well... just skip merrily. Like a little girl!
PIPPIN: I can do that!! (skips away)
DUMBLEDORE: (apparates and returns carrying a bottle of butterbeer) When in doubt, get the butterbeer out. Although... I'm not quite sure what I'm doubting. Maybe it's the fate of that dirty man! To the Dirty Man! May he rest in peace. May the place he is in be filled with ponies and flowers and little green men clad in plaid leotards and... other things of this nature. (takes a swig)