Scene 13
Lothlorien
ARAGORN: Okay, everyone, pit stop!!
PIPPIN: I don't want to stop in a pit!
ARAGORN: It's a figure of speech, you idiot.
PIPPIN: Okay. You use big words. I totally don't know what "of" means.
ARAGORN: It means, "shut up, Pippin!"
PIPPIN: Oh... I never knew that! No wonder people yell at me for talking so much...
FRODO: What is this place?
LEGOLAS: It's Lothlorien, sacred home of the most ancient of elves.
GIMLI: NO ONE TOSSES A DWARF!!
GALADRIEL: (Appearing from nowhere)
DUMBLEDORE: Are you the Lady Galadriel?
GALADRIEL: Shaddup. Yous is bringin' great evil to dis forest, comprende?
DUMBLEDORE: Is this the forbidden forest? (Gasps) It all makes sense now... the forest, the refusal to say her name, the white sparkly dress... I know who you are!!! You're LORD VOLDEMORT!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES EVERYBODY!!!
GALADRIEL: Shut your mouth, before I shut it for you... permanently. Capisce?
PIPPIN: What's 'Capisce' mean?
GALADRIEL: Shaddup.
SAM: How are you talking without moving your mouth?
GALADRIEL: Maybe it's all just in your head... freak. (turning to the rest of the group) Yous can stay da night, but no longer. Do I make myself understood?
DUMBLEDORE: (makes a really stupid face)
GALADRIEL: Shaddup!
DUMBLEDORE: But I didn't say any—
GALADRIEL: Shaddup!!
PIPPIN: Do we get presents?
GALADRIEL: Shaddup!!
PIPPIN: ( in a small voice) Okay. (Pause) Do you like saying Shaddup or something?
GALADRIEL: Shad—I mean... be quiet fool.
The fellowship is bedded down for the night. Frodo tosses and turns and finally gets up for a drink of water. He walks into the bathroom, grabs a cup and is about to fill the cup when he notices the sink is filled with water.
FRODO: Ew... that's not sanitary.
Galadriel walks in.
That looks clogged. You should use... Drano!
GALADRIEL: I put in the plug... freak.
FRODO: Never mind then. It's a lovely sink.
GALADRIEL: Tanks. But unless you wanna be wearing it, I suggest you looks into its mysterious deps.
FRODO: Who's going to make me?
GALADRIEL: Maybe my little friend can impress upon you how important it is that you looks into the sink... I mean, da basin of truth... or whatever. (snaps fingers. We hear growling)
FRODO: (hastily) Oh, no, that's okay. I wouldn't want to inconvenience your little... friend.
GALADRIEL: Good move, toots.
FRODO: (bends over the basin) I don't see anything.
GALADRIEL: Look harder…
Lion King music plays... THE EYE OF SAURON appears in the water.)
THE EYE OF SAURON: Frodo…I am your father!!
FRODO: NOOOOOOOO!!!!! (FRODO wrenches himself away from the basin)
GALADRIEL: I know what it is dat you saw. Freak.
FRODO: What did I see then?
GALADRIEL: You know, you're awful cocky for a person in your position. I would watch it if I was yous, buddy.
FRODO: Okey Dokey then. I believe you.
GALADRIEL:Good. My little friend doesn't want to have to teach you a lesson.
FRODO: That's good. I never was a good student.
GALADRIEL: Maybe he can ma—
FRODO: No... that's okay. I'm sure he has lots of other lessons to teach elsewhere.
GALADRIEL: Now get back to bed before I change my mind.
FRODO: Change your mind about what?
GALADRIEL: That's for me to know and you to never find out.
FRODO: Suddenly, I'm very sleepy.
GALADRIEL: Glad you feel that way... freak.
It's the next morning, and Sam, Frodo, and Gandalf are standing by the door, waiting to leave.
GALADRIEL: Say goodnight, Frodo of da Shire. (They all look up, startled.) Uh, I mean, goodbye, all of yous. Now get outta here before I call my little friend.
(Sammy appears)
FRODO: That's your little friend?
(Sammy growls)
FRODO: I guess we'll be on our way then.
(They all leave in a hurry.)