Scene 16

Helms Deep

Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn, Dumbledore stand on the bridge getting ready with grave looks on their faces

GIMLI: How did we get here?

LEGOLAS: I have NO idea.

DUMBLEDORE: It must be the magic of movie making again. That was rather interesting.

(Skip to Hogwarts.)

(HARRY runs up to RON.)

HARRY: Ron, Dumbledore's gone missing!

RON: How long have you known this? More or less than two hours?

HARRY: Mo— le—I don't know I was too busy looking at Ginn---I mean I was choking! On chocolate!!

RON: Riiight.

HARRY: Anyways. This is a...hold on, McGonagall made me write it down… (Reading off hand)

RON: ??

HARRY: (Reading again) caaaaaaa—

(Skip to Fangorn Forest. Merry and Pippin are sitting in lawn chairs with stupid smiles)

PIPPIN: (nudges Merry) You know what would be cool?

MERRY: What?

PIPPIN: If there were a bunch of talking trees here to take care of us and feed us cookies and Tang and take us on long rides in…

MERRY: Shut up.

(Skip to Helm's Deep. ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, and DUMBLEDORE are still somberly preparing for battle. Only the top of GIMLI'S helmet is visible.)

DUMBLEDORE: Wow! This is more exciting than the time that I almost got up the nerve to ask out Minerva! I think I'm going to wet myself!

(The top of GIMLI's helmet can be seen shuffling away from DUMBLEDORE.)

(Skip to Hogwarts.)

HARRY: --aaaaaaaaaattttaaaaaaaaaaa----

(Skip to Fangorn Forest.)

PIPPIN: (softly) Poke.

(Skip to Helm's Deep.)

ARAGORN: (glancing disconcertedly at DUMBLEDORE, who is bouncing on the balls of his feet with a funny look on his face)

(Harry Potter)

HARRY: ----truuhpppy.

Pause.

RON: What?

(Fangorn Forest)

MERRY: Poke.

(Battle of Helm's Deep)

DUMBLEDORE is still bouncing on the balls of his feet. Suddenly, he looks up and point to the distance.

DUMBLEDORE: OH NO!! IT'S A WHOLE HERD OF HORRIBLY MISFIGURED SNAPE CLONES!! RUN AWAY!!!

Tries to run, but soldiers stop him.

SOMEONE WITH A JAMAICAN ACCENT: Stop dat.

(Harry Potter)

HARRY: It's quite simple, Ron. It's a cat-ostrophy. Look! (Shows RON his hand)

RON: You mean catastrophe?

HARRY: Oh. Right. I knew that!!

(Fangorn Forest)

PIPPIN: (tries to poke MERRY)

MERRY: (swats PIPPIN's hand away) Stop that. Right now. AND DON'T DO IT AGAIN! Or else I'll throw you in the Ent Wash!

PIPPIN: What's the Ent wash? Is it a pony? I want a pony, I want a—

(Helm's Deep)

The three orcs menacingly approach the wall.

DUMBLDEORE: You know, you looked a lot taller back there.

ORC #1: Shut up.

ORC #2: (throws a small random article. It bounces off his forehead.)

DUMBLEDORE: (not changing his expression) That was terribly amusing! Can you do it again?

A hale of random objects comes raining down on his head.

DUMBLEDORE: I think it was even funnier the second time!

A lone acorn hits him in the head.

(Harry Potter)

Sitting in silence.

RON: So, what are we going to do then?

HARRY: I don't know.

RON: Haven't you read the script?

HARRY: I can't read.
RON: For once, I've run out of witty comments... and I can't get them from the script, because... because... I can't read either!!!

HARRY: (pats RON reassuringly on the back as RON sobs into in shoulder)

(Fangorn Forest)

PIPPIN: I want a pony I want I pony I want a pony I want a---

(Helm's Deep)

LEGOLAS, GIMLI, and ARAGORN all draw their arrows and shoot the three orcs at the same time. The orcs keel over, dead.

GIMLI: NO ONE TOSSES A DWARF!!

DUMBLEDORE: We sure showed them!!

LEGOLAS: (slaps DUMBLEDORE on the face)

DUMBLEDORE: Ha, ha, that hurt! It was amusing too, but not as much as the acorn!

(Pause)

GANDALF: The battle for Helm's Deep is over. The battle for Middle Earth is about to begin.

LEGOLAS: Oh, shut up. No one listens to you, anyway.

DUMBLEDORE: Time to break out the butterbeer!

ALL: THE WHAT??

DUMBLEDORE: Oh, never mind.

(Skip to Fangorn Forest.)

PIPPIN: (pointing) Oooooh, lookee, Merry, there's something shiny over there!

MERRY: What?

PIPPIN: (getting up) I want to touch it…

MERRY: Wait! Pippin! No!

(PIPPIN walks off-camera. All of a sudden we hear a horrible cracking, and then a loud noise like water being loosed from a dam. Screams and the hissing of water meeting fire come from the distance. PIPPIN comes back looking distressed.)

MERRY: (in shock and horror) What did you do?

PIPPIN: (wailing) My shiny rock went bye-bye!! (MERRY hits himself in the forehead.)

(Skip to Hogwarts.)

(Hermione enters.)

HERMIONE: Whatever are you two ninnies blubbering about?

HARRY AND RON: We can't read the script and we don't know what to do!!

HERMIONE: (whips out a script) You two are such men, honestly…what scene is this?

RON: I don't know, I can't count, either.

HERMIONE: Oh, that's all right, I think I found it…here we are… (A strange expression suddenly comes over her face and she flashes a wicked grin at the camera.) All right. Now, Ron starts flirting with his shoes. Harry turns himself into a burrito wearing bunny ears and then into a hippo doing interpretive dance. Then he turns back and they both begin to make up an extremely embarrassing secret handshake involving disco. Then Ron tells everyone about the time he ran streaking around Hogwarts on a dare, and Harry begins to sing the soprano part to Exsultante, Jubilante. (HERMIONE looks at them expectantly.)

RON: (looking at his shoes) Hey, there, you two foxy ladies! Where have you been all my life?

HARRY: But it doesn't say which color bunny ears! Augh! Too much decision, too much decision!

(HERMIONE winks at the camera.)

(Skip to Helm's Deep.)

MERRY: Hey guys!

PIPPIN: S'up, my dawgie dawg homie g's!!

DUMBLEDORE: ??

ARAGORN: Wait, how did you two get here? This fortress is impregnable!

PIPPIN: (blinks.)Not if you use the back door. We told the dwarf we had a delivery

GIMLI: Well, you can't expect me to go this long without ordering Chinese.

ARAGORN: (hits himself in the head repeatedly.)

GANDALF: PEREGRIN TOOK!! WHAT IS THAT YOU HAVE IN YOUR POCKET?

(PIPPIN's shirt is weighted down by something large, round, and heavy. He looks up at GANDALF innocently.)

PIPPIN: An abnormally large potato?

GANDALF: Nice try. Hand it over, halfling.

PIPPIN: No! It's not for you! You can't handle the shiny!!

(GANDALF's eyes go wide, and the space goes bright. His voice is frightening as he speaks, and PIPPIN is struck with terror.)

GANDALF: PEREGRIN TOOK!! YOU ARE A MORON!! YOUR MIND IS SLOWER THAN A HERD OF TURTLES STAMPEDING THROUGH PEANUT BUTTER!! DO YOU THINK THAT I AM UNAWARE THAT YOU ARE IN POSSESSION OF ONE OF THE GREAT SEEING STONES!! WHAT HAVE YOU TOLD SAURON? WHAT HAVE YOU SAID? ANSWER ME!!

PIPPIN: (cowering in terror) I haven't told him anything, I promise!

GANDALF: ANYTHING??? ARE YOU SURE???

PIPPIN: Well, you know, to tell the truth, I don't really remember. I vaguely recall saying something about a magic ring and the end of the world, and a tea party and that donut I ate last week, and oh yes, I told him about the identities of everyone in the fellowship, where we are headed, our estimated time of arrival, and the name, address, and number of our travel agent... nothing much, really.

GANDALF: That's it! You and I are going on a vacation!!

PIPPIN: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (Pause.) What?

(Skip to Hogwarts.)

RON: And you should have seen the look on Snape's face when I turned up for detention...

HARRY: Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia, alleluia…

HERMIONE: Look, guys, gullible is written on the ceiling!

HARRY AND RON: (Looking up) Where?