Scene 24
Outside Minas Tirith. There are huge amounts of orcs standing around.
ORC #1: Dude…like, why are we here?
ORC #2: Because, dude, like, the big eye dude, like, said so, dude.
HEAD ORC: LIKE, STOP STANDING AROUND AND, LIKE, DO SOMETHING, DUDES!
ORC #1: Okay, man, just hang loose dude, I'm on it…(pulls out a slingshot and starts firing on Minas Tirith)
(The part of Minas Tirith where Gandalf is standing)
GANDALF: The script says that there's supposed to be soldiers here to help me…I don't see any…oh, well. I can take on these orcs all by myself! (he is struck with the pebble from the slingshot and is knocked unconscious)
(The orc army)
ORCS: Yay!
HEAD ORC: We have knocked out Gondor's defenses! The city is ours! (They start to rush towards the city, when all of a sudden…standing between them and Minas Tirith are FOUR MYSTERIOUS FIGURES, three tall and one short, clothed in white.)
FOUR MYSTERIOUS FIGURES: BOOGA BOOGA!
ORCS: AAH! GHOSTS! RUN AWAY! I WANT MY MOMMY! (they scream and run away)
(The FOUR MYSTERIOUS FIGURES remove their towels and start to laugh. It is ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, DUMBLEDORE, and GIMLI!)
GIMLI: NO ONE TOSSES A DWARF!
ARAGORN: Come, we must see to the wounded! (they rush to Minas Tirith)
LEGOLAS: Aragorn, come quickly!
(ARAGORN and LEGOLAS come to where GANDALF is lying)
ARAGORN: NO! Not Gandalf! Why not the clean man!?
DUMBLEDORE: (from off-camera) Hey, they've got butterbeer in this joint!
(ARAGORN breaks down into inconsolable tears.)
MERRY: (cheerfully) Hey guys! How's it going? (ARAGORN and LEGOLAS turn around in shock)
LEGOLAS: Wait…where were you?
ARAGORN: Yeah, you were there with us on Helm's Deep, and then…we were partying…and I don't remember seeing you there. (suspiciously) What were you up to?
MERRY: (with a look of offended innocence) I was helping Eowyn kill the Witch-King of Agmar, thank you very much.
ARAGORN: Eowyn? Who's that?
MERRY: Princess of Rohan? Blonde and beautiful? She has a crush on you and you make angsty comments about her to yourself from time to time?
ARAGORN: Oh. Her. (whispering to LEGOLAS) Who is that?
GIMLI: (shrugs)
DUMBLEDORE: (moseys over looking slightly drunk) Hey, is that guy in the dress dead?
GANDALF: (spluttering and coming to) MAN-DRESS!
ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, AND MERRY: GANDALF!!
GIMLI: NO ONE TOSSES A DWARF!
GANDALF: Aragorn! You've saved Minas Tirith! Now you get to be King officially!
ARAGORN: YES!! But what about that crazy Steward guy? (we hear fire, a scream, and a thud from off-camera.)
GANDALF: (smiling) Not a problem. Sounds like somebody got too close to Pippin.
MERRY: Pippin! Is he okay!
PIPPIN: (arriving, looking even more scorched than before) Merry! Thank goodness! (They hug. There is a collective 'aaw' from everyone else.)
ARAGORN: Wait…where are the other two hobbits?
LEGOLAS: Yeah, weren't there four of them?
ARAGORN: We seem to be losing characters and plot lines right and left. I think the screenwriters have an organizational problem.
PRODUCER: (V.O.) No, we don't! You do! If you'd follow the script, these things wouldn't happen! This is all your fault!
ARAGORN: WHAT! WHAT!! DO YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?!?!
PRODUCER: Bring it on, old man!!
BILBO: I'M ONLY FIFTY!!
(Everyone stops what they're doing and looks around disconcertedly.)
ARAGORN: (to LEGOLAS) Didn't you…take care of him?
PRODUCER: (interrupting) He tried to. Unfortunately we're not allowed to let anyone die. Our production company wants us 'thinking of the children.'
ARAGORN: …right. Wait, so what happened to that other guy, what's-his-face?
PRODUCER: Don't worry, he's pretty dead. I mean, ON VACATION AND NOT DEAD!! NOT DEAD BECAUSE HE'S ON VACATION!! DOWN-RIVER!!
ARAGORN: Whatever. So, since you're so mightily intelligent, would you mind telling us exactly where those other two halflings ended up?
PRODUCER: I don't need to. They're in the next scene, as you would know if you read the script.
(ARAGORN grumbles angrily under his breath)