I Am Not Myself
"What did you do to him!?" I scream in his face. He laughs evilly, in my voice. I'm finally realizing how scary it is to hear me laugh like that, as if I'm enjoying the pain of others.
"Why, I didn't do anything to him." He mocks me. I hate that. I hate hearing my voice coming from the lips of another. I hate seeing my anger in the eyes of another. I hate seeing my face staring back at me. I hate everything about me!
"Then why is he so scared of me?"
He laughs again. I understand, at least a little, why Ryou is so scared of my face. But then again, it's not my face… Those eyes – they aren't mine. I have blue eyes, I know I do!
I can't even imagine how Ryou feels when he seems himself with those evil eyes.
"What did you do to him?" I ask again. A naïve part of me somehow believes that he will actually answer me if I try hard enough.
"I didn't do anything you wouldn't have done."
"No! I wouldn't have hurt him! I don't hurt innocents." Embarrassingly, I succumb to practically pleading in front of him. I don't hurt innocent people like Ryou. He didn't have anything to do with this.
Flashes of a burning Thebes crash through my mind. What--? What did I do? No, I couldn't have hurt innocent people! No, I was under Zorc's control then…I couldn't have. I wouldn't have--! No, no, no…
My screams mix with his laughter.
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I hear a soft voice calling my name. It's a nice change from the angry exclamations of it from the Pharaoh.
A gentle yet cold hand brushes against my cheek. My eyes shoot open to reveal Ryou's face in front of them, presumably the owner of the hand as well. He's looking extremely worried, and it makes me even sadder.
"Are you okay, Bakura?" he asks. His sweet voice, always. "You were screaming in your sleep…were you having a nightmare?" I nod slowly, realizing the tears that are scattered across my pillow. I'm not sure what a "nightmare" is, but I have a feeling that the dream I just had was it. Ryou frowns further, bringing his hand from my cheek to my own hand and grasping it, squeezing in comfort.
"I'm sorry…I didn't mean to worry you," I reply slowly. Pharaoh's been teaching me English – as this strange language is called – so I can talk to other people, though the only person I really see the need to communicate with is Ryou. I wanted to know how to help him; I still want to know how to help him.
"I always worry about you." I think he means to make me feel better, but it has the exact opposite effect. It feels strange to have other people worry about me. I don't deserve it now.
I deserved it, I needed it, back in Kul Elna.
I turn away. I can't stand to look in his eyes anymore. I sit up, I get up, up off the bed, and walk over to the window. The night is dark, and so I am forced to see my reflection once more. The image of Zorc's expression flashes within it – what? No! – I shout and fall back against the floor.
Ryou's at my side instantly, giving me that worried look again. It hurts. It says enough.
"What did he do to you?" I whisper. At first he looks surprised by the question, but then his expression quickly turns to hurt. It pains me even more than the look of worry. It pains me every time I'm forced to think about this.
"He…he took control over me, and forced me to kill people…"
I can tell he doesn't want to answer – who would? – but he also knows that he has to, in order for me to understand. Ryou's smart like that.
"He…wouldn't let me have my own life…" At this, a tear springs from his eyes. I push myself up and give him a hug. I hope it helps.
I can feel his shock. Nevertheless, he returns the hug. I've missed this feeling of being held by someone, so, so much.
"I'm sorry, Ryou."
"Don't apologize," he orders, strangely forceful, and yet sad at the same time. "I understand now that it wasn't your fault – it wasn't even you." He pushes me back from the hug to show me the smile on his face. Strange. My expression says I think so. "You are Bakura, and you'll always be Bakura. Just Bakura."
"Just Bakura," I echo, my lips slowly curving into a smile.