DISCLAIMER: Not only do I not own the Harry Potter franchise, I also am not in ownership of any of the characters/names that appear in this story, nor am I belonging to anything except brief parts of the plot that aren't excerpts and/or inspired from other films, books, tv shows, magazines or real life events. All characters in this story are made up, fictional, not real in their entirety, regardless if they may have similar names to real people, places or events.
Also, one of the comments Harry makes about Arabs in this chapter is just a joke directed at Harry concerning how stupid some people are regarding some of the stuff that's going on in the world today. It's not a racist remark, though my construction of Harry does have him acting quite bigoted, small minded and idiotic in future chapters and any comment he might make is purely to contruct his character further and is not particularly my opinion. If anyone has any problems with any jokes in my story then don't hesitate to lemme know and I can deal with it.

A/N: This chapter was also written a long time ago. Before the death of one of my country's most embarrassing yet awesome legends, Steve Erwin.

Chapter 2: Green Monsters and Aussie bands

"Hey Ron…" said Hermione. They were chilling in the casino the leaky cauldron had just built, "This is really hard to say… but…"

"Yes…?" Ron said, positively drooling.

"Well, I'm just gonna come right out and say it… Ron, I'm in love with you! I always have been!"

"Oh Hermione, I love you too! I watch your every move, I've tapped your phone line, and I'm the one who's been stealing your underwear!" Ron cried. All his dreams have come true!

"Eeee… Um, well anyway, I love you, Ronald Weasley!" Hermione declared.

Ron sighed. "I love you, Hermione Granger." Ron went to kiss her.

"PSYCH!" Hermione yelled, "YOU TOTALLY FELL FOR IT! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN YOUR FACE!" Hermione nearly doubled over in hysterics, clutching her stomach.

"Gimme five, Hermione!" Harry laughed, slapping hands with Hermione.

Ron went bright red. Then he started to go a little green.

"You're making me angry." He said, sinisterly. "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

Suddenly, his clothes began to rip as his limbs started to grow, and muscles bulged from his arms and legs. He was now as green as the shirt Paul was wearing today. Or Harry's eyes. Go me.

"Oh Ron! Put it away!" Harry cried

Ron picked up Hermione in his fist, and climbed to the top of the Empire State building.

"If this isn't the worst crossover between Harry Potter, The Incredible Hulk and King Kong, then I dunno what it is." Hermione said between horror movie screams.

"Hermione!" cried Harry.

"Ron!" cried Molly.

"Molly!" cried Lucious

"Harry!"

"Fred!"

"Arthur! It's not what it looks like!"

"George!"

"Cornelius!"

"Narcissa! It's not what it looks like!"

"Ginny!"

"Fiona!"

"Shrek!"

"DONKEY!!!"

Suddenly there was complete silence. A figure dressed in a black suit and black sunglasses appeared from the fog that just happened to roll in.

"The name's Smith. Will. Smith."

"Oh My God! I'm a huge fan!" cried Arthur Weasley.

"Now let's take this Hulk out!" Will yelled in his baritone voice.

"Don't kill him! That's my son!" Molly cried.

"Yeah, I can see the resemblence!" Will yelled, "And that was not a sarcastic remark!"

"Don't hurt him, Will!" Molly cried. She was well aware that she looked like Michael Jackson, but she was more upset that this I, Robot star was implying that her son also looked like the nasally challenged prince of pop. Molly always thought of herself as original. Ain't nobody gon' copy Molly Weasley.

"No, I'm just gonna knock him out for a few chapters because he's a pretty useless character." Will said, and he fired his future-looking gun, and Ron suddenly turned back into the old Ron, except for the fact that he was now unconscious.

"You know, I have the strangest feeling that that could have been done without knocking him out." Hermione said with a slight frown.

"Yeah, well, Uh…" Will said, loosening his collar, "The thing about that is…"

"Don't make excuses, Will, we're thanking you!" Harry said.

"Oh. Well I dat case, any chance of a whiskey and a nice biscuit? I ain't eaten in days" Will said, rubbing his stomach.

"Get the hell outta here, freeloader." Said Paul.

"Oh well, back to the future, I guess." Will got in Michael J Fox's time travelling car from Back to the Future, and disappeared in a set of flaming tracks.

"So long, time scum." Paul said, spitting on the ground.

"What's your beef with Will Smith?" Harry asked.

"I dunno, we just both appear in movies involving cars, I guess there's a bit of rivalry."

"Um… I have a question?" Hermione said, "Paul, are you becoming a regular character?"

"I'm not actually sure, I spose I have been here for a bit longer than a standard guest role." Paul said, scratching his scruffy blond hair.

"Hey I know, let's ask the author." Harry said.

CRICKETS CHIRPING. TUMBLEWEED BLOWING. RANDOM PERSON COUGHING.

"That's odd," said Harry, "I wondered why she wasn't making any smartass comments."

Go buy some schoolbooks, Harry.

"Ahh, there she is. I missed that." Harry said

"Where'd you go?" Hermione asked.

I had to answer nature's call, what's it to you, afro?

"Oh, testy testy!" Hermione said.

Go buy some books! NOW!

"I don't see why we have to go buy schoolbooks. We've done it every year. Diagon Alley is just so passé." Harry said, yawning.

"I suppose Rowling just wants some kind of routine." Hermione surmised.

"Rowling wants, Rowling wants, Rowling wants. It's all about what Rowling wants." Harry complained bitterly, "What about what Harry wants? Hello!"

"She gave us life, Harry! How dare you!" Hermione gasped.

Harry stuck his tongue out at Hermione. Paul's mum drove past again in her 1980 Toyota Corolla and yelled at Harry:

"Show some respect, boy!"

"Stop stalking Paul, Woman!" Harry retorted.

"Wow, look at this book list… Dumbledore really has let that place go to the dogs." Ginny said.

"The Arabs, actually." Harry said.

"Huh?"

"Nevermind. I don't know what I'm talking about. I love you, Ginny. See, that made no sense."

"You're weird." She said, shaking her head and walking over to the stage where there was a Jet concert going on in the middle of Diagon Alley.

"Hey look, it's Jet!" Hermione yelled over the chorus of "Cold Hard Bitch".

"Who cares," said Harry, "The author only put them in because she's Australian, and she wanted to slip some subtle Australian reference in somewhere. Well I'm on to you!!"

I was not! Jet are there because they're an awesome band and they also just happen to be playing in Diagon Alley today. Get over it.

Suddenly, a band came to the stage and started playing really good music, but none of the current characters recognised it.

"Who's this?" Hermione asked, intrigued.

Oh shit.

Suddenly, Steve Erwin jumped out in front of everybody, waving his arms about in that irritating way he does.

"G'DAY, YOU BEAUTIES! I'M STEVE ERWIN, THE TOKEN AUSTRALIAN THAT'S BEEN SENT TO EXPLAIN TO YOU FOREIGNERS WHO THIS BAND IS. THEIR NAME IS POWDERFINGER AND THEY'RE ONE OF THE BEST AUSTRALIAN BANDS THERE IS, BUT SINCE THEY DON'T HAVE AN AMERICAN RECORD DEAL LIKE OTHER AUSTRALIAN ACTS, THEY ARE ONLY KNOWN OF IN OZ. THAT NAME AGAIN IS POWDERFINGER. LOOK IT UP, KIDS!"

With that, Steve got on a crocodile and it flew him back to Australia.

Harry scoffed loudly. "Well it doesn't get more blatant than that!" he exclaimed.

"Uh… what just happened?" Paul asked.

"I think we just got preached to about Australia." Hermione said.

"Please quit it." Harry said, frowning.

Sorry. I just had to get it off my chest, y'know?

"Bad Author. Go Punish yourself." Harry said.

Harry, I'm not Dobby.

"No, Dobby's better looking!" Harry poked out his tongue.

Why you little!

CUT TO SCENE OF HOMER CHOKING BART

Don't mess with me, Harry James.

"I don't see why I can't just hop on the Hogwarts express and go to Hogwarts with you all." Paul complained, pouting and making sure his blond hair was still desirably scruffy.

"Hey Harry, on a scale of one to ten, how scruffy is my hair? What's the scruffy factor?"

"Ummm… six and a half? Seven?"

"Six and a half?! That's not even near scruffy enough!"

"Listen, Paul, I've got to go. The train is about to leave." Harry said gently.

"Ok." Paul said quietly, and started pouting again.

His mother flew past in the Weasley's old Ford Anglia.

"Quit pouting, Paulie!" She screamed out the window.

"MUM! I'm in my thirties! QUIT stalking me!" he yelled like a thirteen year old.

"OHNO!" cried Ginny, "You're in your thirties?! I've been barking up the wrong tree!"

Woof.

"That's just not funny." Ginny said nastily.

"Wow… I'm flattered, If Paul Walker is the kind of guy you replace me with, then I'm proud!" Harry said loudly. He just wanted Draco Malfoy to hear him talking to Paul Walker.

"Harry, I never really liked you, it was only for the money and the fame." Ginny said, smiling.

"Oh." Harry said, looking hurt.

Harry should realise that the train is moving. It's about to leave.

Harry.

HARRY.

Get on the train.

Oh look. You've missed it now.

Running won't do anything.

You'll never catch up.

…

ok, so that was just pure luck.

Harry leaned out of the carriage and waved at Paul until he was out of sight. As soon as he couldn't see Harry anymore, Paul picked up his phone and dialled in a number.

"Hello? Antonio? I need you to make me an appointment. It's a scruffiness emergency."