DISCLAIMER: Not only do I not own the Harry Potter franchise, I also am not in ownership of any of the characters/names that appear in this story, nor am I belonging to anything except brief parts of the plot that aren't excerpts and/or inspired from other films, books, tv shows, magazines or real life events. All characters in this story are made up, fictional, not real in their entirety, regardless if they may have similar names to real people, places or events.

A/N: Again, I implore you. I wrote this a loooong time ago. Hence the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy jokes.

Chapter 3: The Hogwarts Express and Girly Street Fights

"The train ride's always so boring." Harry muttered.

"But she puts it in every time." Hermione complained.

There was a knock on the compartment door. Harry checked his watch.

"Looks like it's about time for another Malfoy/Potter altercation." Harry yawned.

Booooorrriiinnggg.

"Come in." Hermione said. She was daydreaming about Johnny Depp. He could find her Neverland anytime.

Instead of a silky-haired dumb blond, the pair was confronted by some one who resembled a miniature Michael Jackson.

"Mrs Weasley?" Hermione said uncertainly.

Eyes widened. "No!."

"Draco?" Harry guessed, incredulous.

"NO!" it cried, "NEVILLE!"

"What did… What…" Hermione attempted to speak. Sure, Mrs Weasley, it can be expected of, but Neville? Surely not…

"I had a bit of-"

"Plastic surgery, Yeah, we guessed." Harry said, "So you had the same plastic surgeon as Molly Weasley?"

"How did you guess?"

"We uh… can see some similarities in his work. You know, small things, like the collapsed nose and blood red lips." Hermione said, attempting to stifle a giggle.

"Wahhhh!" Neville cried, and ran from the compartment.

A few seconds of silence later, Draco Malfoy burst in, along with Gregory Goyle.

"Where's Vincent Crabbe?" Harry said lazily. He was so over this rivalry. It was so passé.

"He… er." Harry waited for Draco to finish, but he never did.

"So, how have you been, Draco?" Harry said. He was lying along the seat of the compartment.

"I've been ok… Um… How have you been?" Draco asked. His father had always taught him to be polite.

"Alright, hey, I didn't see you at Diagon Alley this summer, I thought that we were meant to have a big altercation? Jet and Powderfinger were playing."

"Powderwho? Well, sorry I didn't turn up for the altercation. I was at the Slipknot concert in Knockturn Alley. Do you want to have that altercation now?" Malfoy asked.

"Slipknot were playing? Damn, and I missed them." Harry frowned.

"You're too much of a pansy for slipknot. You have to be hardcore for Slipknot." Malfoy sneered.

"I'm hardcore! You, however, are a queer little dumb blond!" Harry shrieked.

"Ohhh! You better be careful, I might come over there and mess up your hair!" Draco squealed.

Harry's eyes widened. "You wouldn't dare!", he gasped.

Malfoy leapt from the doorway onto Harry so that his knees were on Harry's chest. Then he started digging his knuckles into the top of Harry's head, shrieking "NOOGIE! NOOGIE!".

"Help! Hermione! He's using Dark Magic on me! Powerful, dark, dark magic!"

"Harry," Hermione said sympathetically, "That's a Noogie. It's a muggle attack children use. Surely Dudley used that one on you?"

"Actually," Harry said between squeals, "Dudley never beat me up at all! I just said that in an attempt to get taken away from the Dursley's. But it didn't work and J.K. Rowling thought that it would be great for the plot, so it stuck!"

"Interesting." Hermione said, taking notes.

"Hi ladies!" said Carson Kressley of the Fab 5 from the doorway of the compartment.

Harry screamed a long, high pitched scream that lasted for about half a minute.

"This is just like when the Dementors came on the train when I was in grade 3, but much, much worse, and I'm guessing that what lays beyond a Queer Eye's kiss is much worse than the fate that lays beyond a Dementor's kiss!" Harry screamed.

"No no no, darling, we want to do a make-over on one of the professors at your school!" Kyan Douglas said.

"Professor Snape." They all said at the same time, except for Draco, who said "Me."

"Can we ride with youse?" Jai asked,

"no, no, no, no and no." Harry said, pointing at each Queer Eye in turn.

"Ok Queers, let's motor!" Carson said, with a flick of his hand, and the Fab Five spun on their heels in unison and strutted from the compartment.

"That Kyan has a lot of style!" Draco admired.

Suddenly the compartment door slid open again, and Charlie Sheen burst in.

"Quick everyone!" he yelled, glee on his face, "Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan are street fighting in compartment five!" and with that, he was outta there, running back to compartment five. Harry and Draco scrambled over each other to get to the door, and then shot off, hot on the heels of Charlie. Hermione made sure there were still a few exposures left in her camera, before setting off for compartment five. The tabloids would pay big money for this!

Hilary was the favourite, apparently, if you went by what Lee Jordan said, as he was taking bets. "One dollar ninety five for Hilary, four dollars seventy for Lindsay!"

"Lee, we're in Britain. We say pounds." Harry informed him.

"Actually," Hermione said, "We're magic, and we say Galleons, sickles and knuts."

"Oh, details, details." Lee said dismissively, "Care to place a bet, lil' lady?" he said to Neville.

At that moment, Lindsay pulled out a machete with a manic grin.

"ODDS HAVE CHANGED! ODDS HAVE CHANGED!" Lee announced at the top of his lungs.

"Your fringe is too long!" Lindsay yelled at Hilary, "Somebody should cut it!" and with that, Lindsay sliced the machete along Hilary's blonde fringe, leaving a perfect style cut in her wake. Hilary stopped, and demanded a mirror from Hermione.

"I don't carry a mirror, why do you think I look like this?" Hermione said.

"True." Hilary said, shrugging.

"I have a mirror, Hilary, I'm a huge fan!" Arthur Weasley said, passing her a pink mirror.

Hilary examined her hair thoroughly, before grinning that open mouthed grin she does.

"I LOVE it!" she exclaimed, "Thanks Lindsay! Let's go get soda's!"

And with that, Hilary and Lindsay linked arms and skipped off to the mall. An angry crowd began to swarm over Lee, demanding their bets back.

"NO TAKE BACKS! TO TAKE BACKS! READ THE FINE PRINT!" came his muffled voice.

"Damn." Charlie Sheen said.

"I got what I need!" Hermione said, patting her camera.

"If that's the kind of thing that's going on in the train this year, I think we should do a little exploring." Harry declared.

"Agreed." Draco announced.

They knocked on the door of compartment six. They could her pounding rave music from inside. It took a while for somebody to open the door. The somebody was a huge bouncer, who stood blocking the way of Harry and Draco.

"Get outta here, kid. This is 21 years plus." He said. Behind him, Harry could see strobe lights and people dancing madly.

"Was that- Was that just John Travolta?" Draco said, straining for another look.

"You dint see nothin'." The bouncer said, waving his arms around mysteriously, and closed the door. Harry and Draco looked at each other.

"Was it really him?" Harry asked Draco in awe.

"Well, I think so, I saw him dancing in the white suit thing." Draco said. He couldn't believe he'd just seen John Travolta, in the flesh.

"Sure it wasn't Elvis?" Harry inquired.

"Quit it, now you're confusing me." Draco complained, "I'm sure it was John. Well, at least I think…" Draco scratched his white blond hair.

Suddenly, Harry's owl, Hedwig descended on them.

"You've been ignoring me." Hedwig said.

"Well before you were just an owl, but now you can talk and you sound like Angelina Jolie." Harry said, "So now I guess you're worthy of a plot. Congrats, Hedwig."

"Why, thankyou." Hedwig said, "So what's been up in your neck of the woods?" she asked.

"Well I'm in a parody. It sucks ass." Harry pouted.

Paul's mum just so happened to be driving along next to the train. She poked her head out the window and yelled:

"Quit pouting, Harry!"

"GO STALK PAUL, WOMAN!" Harry screamed back, at the top of his lungs.

"Ok." She said timidly.

"I was not expecting that." Harry said, surprised.

"I think you hurt her feelings, Harry." Draco accused.

"Shut-up, Malfoy." Harry pouted. But nobody came to yell at him for pouting. He pouted harder. Still nobody. He pouted so hard that when the snacks cart lady came past she got the wheel of the snacks cart stuck on Harry's bottom lip. Harry screamed. Hermione came out to see what all the fuss was about, and she also tripped over Harry's lip. Suddenly there was a forty car pileup on Harry's bottom lip. If Harry was able to talk, and wasn't in so much pain, he would have informed me that cars don't drive around inside a train. But since he's blinded with pain, I think I'll get away with it.

Meanwhile, Draco was grieving. Draco's day is a busy one, so if he needs to grieve for something, he can only do it for two minutes. He was grieving because he had lost a friend. Well, not so much as lost…

Vincent Crabbe.

The infamous Vincent Crabbe.

Now the highly infamous Vicky Crabbe.

He didn't wanna think about it anymore.

So he didn't. He fantasized about Christina Aguilera instead.

After Harry had his lip stitched up by Dr Dre (yes, he's a real Doctor, Dre's not one to falsely advertise), Harry realised that he didn't know who drove the train.

"Can you drive a train?" he wondered aloud. He decided to go see, since J.K. Rowling never even thought to enlighten her readers about who gets all her precious characters to Hogwarts every book. He finally found the conductors cabin, after a lengthy search.

"It was at the front, how was I meant to know that?" Harry defended his intelligence.

He swung the door open, and a man turned around.

"Hi, I'm Tom Hanks. And WELCOME to the POLAR EXPRESS!" he yelled.

"Oh crap, I think I've taken the wrong train!" Harry panicked.

"What did I say?" Tom asked.

"Polar Express." Harry said.

"Are you sure? I could have sworn I said Hogwarts Express."

"Nope. You didn't."

"Are you sure?"

"YES! YOU SAID POLAR, NOT HOGWARTS!"

"Don't hurt me!" Tom cowered in the corner. Then he fainted.

"Shit, now I gotta drive the train." Harry complained. And with that he took the steering wheel,

"The steering wheel?" Harry said, incredulous.

Yes. The steering wheel. And with that, Harry took the steering wheel, and began to drive, yes, drive the train.

"I drive the train with its steering wheel." Harry muttered sarcastically under his breath.

Suddenly, a telephone above Harry's head began to ring.

Harry picked it up.

"City Morgue." He said when he answered, giggling.

"It will be, if you don't listen to me." The voice on the other end said.

"Shit." Harry replied.

"There is a bomb on this train. If you don't keep it going over one hundred magical miles per hour, it will blow up."

"But I checked the train an hour ago," Harry said, perplexed, "There's no explosives on this train."

"Ah, but that's where you're wrong. It is a little known fact that witches and wizards are very flammable. Especially witches. Think of the witch burnings of the medieval times. And this train just so happens to be filled with witches and wizards!" The voice cackled.

"Oh great." Harry said sarcastically, "This is a scene from Speed. I wondered when this would come up. So where's Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock?"

Keanu Reeves is busy preparing for a Matrix reference later on in the fanfic, and Sandra Bullock's just boring and not really worth dissing for a story like this.

"Oh."