HELP PLEASE! BY MYRTLE THE TYRTLE

It was the same quiet day in the Gryffindor common room and the Golden Trio were still crowded around a book Hermione had bewitched with the Protean charm so it mimics the Fanfiction-dot-net website. It is not a computer because no matter what you do to it, technology should not work at Hogwarts!

And they were still struggling to find their favourite author MYRTLE THE TYRTLE. The most recent search still came up with NO RESULTS FOUND. Ron jumped up and kicked an overstuffed armchair in his fury.

Harry became awfully worried as the armchair started to move. He remembered what had happened the last time he'd seen an overstuffed armchair move... Snape had jumped out of it and launched himself at Hermione with a passion that no teacher should ever have for a student.

But he need not have worried, for the only thing coming out from under the overstuffed armchair was a small girl covered in a white powder.

"Who are you, and what are you doing under that overstuffed armchair?" demanded Ron.

"Don't worry, Ron," said the girl. "But do make sure that you use the right tense. For example, 'what were you doing', if I am not doing it anymore."

"Eh?"

"Look," she said. "I am Stag-Star, and I was looking for sugar. I do quite like sugar."

"Whatever," said Ron. "But us 'big kids' would like to do 'special things' 'on our own' up here in the common room where 'no one can distract us' from the things we are doing with a book that looks like 'a certain website'."

"Enough with the implied sexual content, Ron," said Stag-Star. "I know all about your search for MYRTLE THE TYRTLE, and I am here to help."

"Well that's all fine and dandy, but how are you going to do that?"

"It's quite easy, actually," she said. "All you need to do is make the Persummons Potion from the book COMPLEX POTIONS MADE EASY by Ghostwriter626."

"That's a funny name," sneered a pale boy from the corner of the common room.

"Draco Malfoy!" gasped the Trio.

"Now that's a funny name!" laughed Stag-Star.

"Think my name's funny, do you?" he walked over to Stag-Star. "No need to ask for yours. Overstuffed armchair? Brilliant fanfiction stories? Sugar down your robes? You're Stag-Star."

"That's true, but you're a git who has over a thousand stories on the internet about his experiences with Hermione, Ginny and (pause for effect) Harry in compromising positions!"

The trio howled with laughter.

"Argh!" arghed Draco. "No! I'd never have compromising positions with a mudblood, a blood traitor or – worse – that Potty Potter, the Chosen boy who… NEVER!" He ran out of the room screaming.

"I suggest that you guys go and find that book now," said Stag-Star, and she crawled back under her armchair, presumably to look for more sugar.

The trio gave each other glances that meant stuff.

Ron meant: I can't believe I don't get compromising positions with Draco!

Hermione meant: I can't believe I get a compromising position with Draco!

Harry meant: I can't believe no-one's mentioned my serial polygamy with Hermione, Ginny, Cho, and countless other hot chicks by now!

However, they each interpreted each other's as 'let's go and have a looksie for the booksie!'.

So they did.

In an act of blatant stupidity (and/or Mary Sueism) they brewed the potion in record speed in the middle of the common room and did not get noticed by anyone whilst stealing out of Professor Slughorn's potions store. In fact, he didn't even notice that ingredients such as dragon eggs, phoenix hearts, three boxes of crystallised pineapple and Uncle Vernon's last remaining piece of neck had been stolen.

It would take a week for the potion to mature, so the trio spent this time by hunting Horcruxes. They had destroyed 231and killed Voldemort at least 30 times when Hermione exclaimed "goodness gracious me! The potion must be ready by now!"

They all ran out of Harry and Ginny's seventeenth wedding (promising to come back for the rest afterwards) and were astonished to find Sirius Black, Albus Dumbledore and Cedric Diggory sitting down near the potion.

"What are you doing here?" asked Harry. "You're dead!"

"So it would seem, Harry," said Dumbledore, "but someone has obviously tampered with the life-death continuum, bringing Sirius, Cedric and myself back to life."

"Ah," said Harry.

Hermione stirred the potion one last time, then they all jumped back (taking care to show off the large muscles they had obtained while working out for hours on end when they were preparing to kill Voldemort), as a fat old man with a substantial lack of hair jumped out of the cauldron.

"Who are you and what are you doing in that cauldron?" demanded Ron.

"You've done it again Ron! It's 'what were', you silly boy!" said Stag-Star, poking her head out from underneath the chair.

"Stag-Star? Is that you?" asked the man.

"Myrtle!" exclaimed Stag-Star. "You've got a different body. It's usually so young and handsome and male!"

"Oh no, I'm still male," said the man, who was evidently Myrtle the Tyrtle, "but only marginally. Not enough neck, you guys."

"Well we didn't have much to use, sorry," said Harry. "But now, Mister Myrtle the Tyrtle, sir, could you tell us how to find you on fanfiction-dot-net?"

"Why that is simple!" said Myrtle. "You just search for me! The administrators have updated the systems now, and I'm on the data base! Go and try it!"

The trio did so, and soon had located all of Myrtle's stories on said website.

They turned to thank him, but alas, he was gone, leaving just an author's note floating in the cauldron.

A/N: This is in fact the end of HELP, PLEASE!. It's been great writing it and getting all your feedback. Special thanks to Stag-Star and Ghostwriter626, whose names and ideas you will see in this chapter.

Now that I am findable on fanfiction-dot-net, please take the time to read and review all my stories if you have not already.

Thanks also to whoever made my name findable on said website, whether it was because of this story or not.

What are you doing still reading this? Go! Read! Review!

(: MYRTLE :)