Act four
We head off to a beautiful castle, which we zoom in on, as a voice, usually heard in monotone, sings from inside. We zoom closer and closer to a window. From within the castle, we hear the monotone voice of Raven singing softly.
Where is the one
That I love most of all?
When will I hear him call
Raven, Raven?
He is the one
Who can make my life whole
Joyful, forever more
Inside the castle, Raven is sitting in a bathtub, brushing her hair.
"Naked Raven!", shouts Gar, then clears his throat, "sorry"
Raven winks at him before going back to her song.
I've waited so patiently
For a true love
When will he come for me?
Where is he?
Where is he?
Ohhhhhhh!
Suddenly, there is a shatter and a camera breaks through the window
"Sorry!", calls out dumas4 as the camera sinks back out of view, taking broken stained glass with it.
Raven blinks in confusion.
"Ummm.."
"Carry on!", shouts dumas4, "don't stop singing, we can still make this work!"
Raven shakes her head, before singing again.
Where is the man
Who carries the key?
When will he be
With his Raven, Raven?
I can not wait
Till he sets my heart free
Oh, when will I know him?
When will I see him?
When will I hear him?
Say 'Raven, my love?'
She sighs and stares dreamily into space as her number ends. Jinx, wearing a suit that makes her seem ALOT larger than she really is, comes bustling in with a towel
"Hurry UP mien lady!", she says, putting on a fake German accent, "You better get out of zat tub, before zat zing begins to rust!".
"Been eating too much chocolate Miss Piggy?" asks Raven with a sly smirk.
"Tell me something Raven", growls Jinx, "do you WANT to die?"
Raven narrows her eyes.
"Bring it on, sister", she growls.
"Alright!!!", says Gar with a wide grin, rubbing his hands, "half-naked catfight!!!".
"NO! No half-naked cat fights!!!", shouts dumas4, running onto the set, "no no no! Get to your work! Gar, go away, you're not needed yet!"
"Okay", sighs Gar, moping off,
dumas4 sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose as Gar vanishes.
"Chimps, I'm working with chimps!"
He points a warning finger at Jinx and Raven before leaving the set.
"All right Broomhilde", says Raven with a sigh.
She stands up and wraps a towel around her, showing that she has iron underwear on, including a heart-shaped lock. The underwear has the word 'Everlast' on it.
"Hurry hurry, eet's freezing", says Jinx.
She hands Raven a nightgown so she can get dressed.
"Oh zese castles are so drafty", mutters Star
She walks over to a fireplace then, despite it being the middle ages, turns on a tap which makes a roaring fire appear.
"Ahhh. Toasty varm", says Jinx with a proud nod, rubbing her hands together. Suddenly, a little bird appears at the window.
"Oh, Broomhilde look! A happy little Blackbird", smiles Raven, then groans, "...aww man do I HAVE to be so cheerful?!!!"
"I'm underneath five different layers of foam", mutters Jinx, crossing her arms, "...consider yourself lucky!"
Raven walks up to the blackbird and holds out her hand
"Hello", she says with a sickeningly sweet smile.
The bird flies over to her, then lands on her hand
"This means I must make a wish", she says, then stares into the distance as she is prone to do, "I hope against hope. I wish against wish. That the heavens will be bring me a kind, gentle wonderful man. Who possesses the key to my...".
Both girls look down at the chastity belt
"...Heart".
The bird twitters as flies off.
"Goodbye my little friend", says Raven waving her hand.
"Oooohhh here birdie!", comes Panthra's voice from backstage
We hear the bird scream in terror, then silence
"... Okay", says Jinx, blinking, then pointing at Raven's hand, "Zat happy little blackbird has left a happy little doo doo on your hand".
She spits on a tissue and moves to wipe Ravens hand.
"You're kidding right?" says Raven.
Raven stares out of the window and gives a dramatized sigh. We then go on to another part of the castle. Robin runs through the door
"Prince John", he says, "I must speak with you!"
Adonis is sitting on a throne, looking very bored, surrounded by servants and women. He has a mole on his right cheek, remember it.
"Alright everybody", he sighs boredly, waving his hand, "later, later".
Kitten is still cuddled up to his arm
"La-t-er", says Adonis, looking at her pointedly.
Kitten giggles and skips off.
Robin strides over to Adonis purposefully.
"Sire, I have", he pauses, "...news".
"Oooooh I love being called 'sire'", muses Adonis, then looks at Robin, "And what sort of news do you have?"
His face pales.
"It's not bad news is it? You know I can't TAKE bad news", he gives a sniff, "The day started out so good. I got a good night's sleep, I got three girls' phone numbers, and I don't want to hear ANY bad news. Now, what type of news IS it?".
Robin shuffles uncomfortably.
"Well, to be perfectly frank", he says, "...it's bad".
Adonis throws his goblet to the side
"I knew it!!! I knew it was bad news!", he cries, then pauses, "...Wait a minute, I have an idea. Maybe if you tell me the BAD news in a GOOD way it won't SOUND so bad".
Robin blinks, flummoxed at this.
"The..the bad news in a good way? Umm..yes yes..I can do that", he says, "The bad news in a good way...Ummm..well..here goes..Ahem..Um..."
Robin pauses for a moment, before bursting out into a very, very loud laugh, causing Adonis to jump.
"HA HA HA HA! Wait 'till you hear this!. Hee hee. I just bumped into Garfield of Logan. He's back from the crusades. Ha ha ha ha. He just beat the CRAP out of my men and me. Ha ha ha. He hates you, and he loves your brother, Richard. Ha ha ha. And…tee hee, he wants to see you hanged! Ha ha ha!" Robin gives an unattractive snort, leaning onto the throne for support, "We're in an awful lot of trouble. Ha ha ha!".
Adonis looks at him in sheer horror.
"What are you CRAZY?!!!", he shouts, "Why are you laughing?! This is terrible news!"
"But I .. I...you told me", Robin blinks, "... I ...I ... I was just trying to soften the blow..."
"Well you blew it", says Adonis with a whimper.
"This is a problem, sire, not easily solved", says Robin.
"Yes... you're right. What to do?, what to do?, what to do?", Adonis suddenly grins, "GOT IT!. Latrine! The weird creature in the tower, the one that predicts my future!"
"Oh yes... Latrine", says Robin, giving a shudder, "Ugh, boy is she ugly?!"
We move to the tower, where Adonis enters a dark and dusty room, his mole has now moved to his chin
"Latrine?", he calls out, "Latrine, where are you, I must talk to you!".
We hear a scream from backstage and Aqualad is pushed into the room, his hair has been frizzled out, he has animal carcasses dangling from his battered clothes and he is covered with warts.
In the background Robin can be heard screaming in what we hope is horror at this, although the director and producer are laughing their heads off.
"Argghhh! Kill it!", he screams before letting out a breath of relief, "Oh, phew it's you. Listen, I know your power, what can you tell me about Garfield of Logan?"
" Garfield of Logan? Garfield of Logan?" Aqualad narrows his eyes, "Mmmm, Let me see".
He starts to mix ingredients into a frying pan
"Ravens egg, blood of a hen", Aqualad pauses, "...little bit more blood, yes. Eyeballs of a crocodile. Testicles of a newt" He winks at Adonis, "...Guess he's a transsexual now, huh? Hah!".
He stirs the stuff a bit, then looks at it
" Garfield of Logan is handsome and brave. He seeks to regain his family's honor", he looks pointedly at Adonis, "little sod could be trouble".
"Are you certain?", asks Adonis, sitting forward in his seat.
"Certain?", asks Aqualad, then huffs, "You want certain, you hire yourself a witch, I'm just your cook! Here, eat this!".
He deposits the contents of the frying pan onto a plate and puts it in front of Adonis. He looks at his meal, and it looks back at him.
"Mmm...looks...ugh...fabulous!", says Adonis, grimacing, "... looks like something Star fire would cook."
He scoops up an eyeball and tries to eat it, only to spit it out, it bounces across the table. Adonis whimpers slightly, before choosing to wisely take attention from his 'food'.
"Such an unusual name, Latrine", he says conversationally, "How did your family come by it?".
"We changed it in the ninth century", says Aqualad
"You mean...you changed it..", Adonis blinks, "TO Latrine?".
"Yeah, used to Dunghouse", replies Aqualad
"That's a good change...a good change!", says Adonis with a nervous laugh, "Now, how about this Logan fella?, how can I stop him?".
"Maybe I could devise a magic potion. One that would make him unable to perform the slightest task", grins Aqualad, then holds up a finger, "But in return, you must help me".
"What are you kidding", grins Adonis, "I did not achieve this position in life by having some snot-nosed punk leave my cheese out in the wind! Name it! Anything you want!".
"Put in a good word for me with the Sheriff of Fruitland", he says, "I've got the hots for him! Purrrrr".
"Ugh", says Adonis, rolling his eyes as Aqualad skips to a hidden curtain.
"I've got a likeness of him in my boudoir", says Aqualad.
He pulls back a curtain revealing a life-size cardboard cut-out of Robin. He hugs it while Adonis looks on, disgusted.
"Ooooh Fruity, Fruity, Fruitty", purrs Aqualad, snuggling up to 'Robin'.
"Oh Gods, he's making his bedroom eyes", says Robin from backstage.
"I am amazed!. To think that a handsome guy like the Sheriff of Fruitland would ever want a creature like you..."
Aqualad glares at Adonis for his comment.
"Well...if you're gonna PUNCTURE my dreams", he says, "...you can forget about my promise to help you!".
"No, wait wait wait, wait, wait", says Adonis, rushing over to him, "Maybe if we got him drunk...".
Aqualad turns to smile at him.
"...VERY drunk", adds Adonis with a grimace, "...you got a shot".
Aqualad giggles happily as we zoom in on the cutout, which has suddenly got a VERY worried look on its face.
"Man, I love my job", grins Draconus.