Act eight
We go to Jump City forest, where Red-X is sitting on a cart, filled with wine barrels, being pulled by a donkey.
"How on EARTH did I end up being a Rabbi!", he mutters, "...I ain't exactly the most holy of people, you know".
"Please, just talk to the donkey", sighs dumas4.
"I don't like the way your walkin'", Red-X says, then points accusingly at the donkey, "You've been inta the sacramental wine again, yer farshnoshket! ...What's a farshnoshket? Ya drunken mule you!"
His cart turns a corner and is greeted by the Merry Titans
"Halt there my friend", Gar says, striking a pose, "You have just entered the territory of Robin Hood and his Merry Titans".
Red-X looks at Gar standing on a rock, then at the Merry Titans around him, all dressed in tights.
"Faigelehs?", he asks, jiggling his hand
The Merry Titans mutter and dust themselves off, taking a few steps away from each other.
"No, no", says Gar, clearing his throat, "we're straight, just… Merry".
"...Merry huh? ...Okay, where's the booze?", asks Red-X, then arches a brow, " Azoy? And who might you be, with your exceptionally long feather in your hat?".
"I am Garfield Of Logan", says Gar with a bow.
"Garfield Of Logan?" smirks Red-X, "I've just come from Maid Raven, the lady who's heart you stole, you prince of thieves you. I knew her mother an' father before they were taken by the plague, Lord an' Lady Roth. Ya know, ya were meant fer each other, you an' Maid Raven", points out Red-X, "What a combination. Logan an' Roth, can't miss!".
"And who are you, sir?" asks Gar.
"I am Rabbi Tuckman", says Red-X, "Purveyor of sacramental wine an' mohel extrordinaire".
"Allo Rabbi", say the Merry Titans.
Red-X lifts his hat, complete with Rabbi hair.
"Allo boyus".
"Mohel...", Gar frowns, "I don't believe I ever heard of that profession".
"Mohel, he's a very important guy!", grins Red-X, "He makes circumcisions".
"And, what pray tell, sir, is a circumcision?", asks Speedy, then blinks, "...do I really want to know?".
"It's the latest rage, the ladies love it!", says Red-X with a nod.
All the Merry Titans start to ask for one, Mammoth even asks for two
"I'm game, how's it done?" asks Gar. "Wait a minute I know what a circumcision is! I don't want one!"
"Read the script or it's into the box and no visits from Raven!" declares Dracaenas.
"It's a snap", says Red-X, reaching into his cart, pulling out a desk-top guillotine and a carrot
"That...really doesn't look good", says Cyborg, turning a pale color.
"What? ... What's he got?", asks Star Fire, turning her head from side to side.
"I take my little machine, I take your little thing, see", says Red-X, placing the carrot into the guillotine, "I put it inta this little hole here and...".
He chops the end of the carrot off with the guillotine
"Snip the tip!".
"That...didn't sound nice", whimpers Star Fire.
"Be glad you're a girl", says Speedy.
The Merry Titans shuffle around uncomfortably
"Who's first?", asks Red-X cheerfully.
Mammoth grabs Speedy in front of him as a human shield.
"I've changed me mind", he cries.
"I forgotten, I've already got one", says Cyborg with a nervous laugh.
Star Fire starts to raise her hand.
"Question".
Cyborg quickly puts it down to stop her from asking.
"I gotta work on a much younger crowd", says Red-X.
"Rabbi, you seem to be on the side of good. Will you join us and share with us some of your wisdom, some of your council and perhaps", Gar grins, "...some of your wine?".
The Merry Titans perk up at the though of alcohol.
"Beeeeeer!" sings Mammoth and Cyborg.
"It's wine you idiots!" says Speedy, rolling his eyes.
"Beeeeeer!"
"Wisdom an' council, that's easy", says Red-X, "But this is sacramental wine, it's only used to bless things".
The Merry Titans become downhearted. Awe…No booze for the Titans...
"Wait a minute!", says Red-X, feeling sorry for them, "There's things here!. There's trees, there's birds, there's rocks, there's squirrels. Lets bless them all until we get farshnoshket, join me!"
"What's farshnoshket?" asks Cyborg
"Who cares, we're getting booze!" shouts Mammoth happily.
"Let's hear it for the beer, uh I mean, the Rabbi!" shouts Gar.
The Merry Titans cheer and start to off load the drink from the cart. Meanwhile, we go back to the castle. In a room by a table sits Robin, on the other side of the table sits Superboy, with Silkie in this lap. On either side of Superboy stand Wildebeest and Galfore
"Good evening Don El", says Robin.
Superboy says something in Italian, petting Silkie on the head.
"...Yes", says Robin, blinking, "it was very good of you to come on such short notice".
Superboy shrugs
"And all the way from Jersey," says Robin.
Superboy gives dumas4 a cold, hard glare before sighing
"Well, it is quite a drive", he says modestly.
"You do realize that Prince John expressly commanded that this be a secret meeting?", points out Robin, gesturing to Wildebeest and Galfore, "I mean, who are these men?".
"These are my trusted associates", says Superboy, "On my right, Wildebeest"
Wildebeest is puffing on a cigar and some bandit music plays
"On my left, Galfore", Superboy says, pointing at Galfore
Galfore leans over the table at Robin.
"We-thank-you-for-inviting-us-on-the-day-of-your-daughters-wedding", says Galfore in monotone, "I-hope-her-first-child-is-a-masculine-child".
"Shut up, we did not even have our meeting yet", snaps Superboy.
Galfore blinks and sits down.
"Oh yeah." He mutters.
"Oh yeah. Okay, I am understanding that you have been bothered by this fruit, Garfield of Logan", says Superboy, "And you want Garfield rubbed out, eliminated, maybe even killed?"
"Yes, you put it succinctly", says Robin.
"Suc...what?" asks Superboy, blinking.
"Succinctly", says Robin, "it means perfectly".
"Uh... yeah, I knew that".
He crunches a few nuts in a bowl and eats them
"Can I have some?" asks Galfore hopefully.
Superboy blinks at him.
"...No".
"Excuse me, Don El", says Robin, "...your… worm... seems limp".
"At my age, you know, sometimes", says Superboy, then blinks, "...oh my worm! No no, he's just sleeping, that's all. Silkie, Silkie, wake up".
He tickles Silkie under the chin and Silkie purrs.
"Silkie...I could have been somebody, I could have been a contender", Superboy grimaces, holding the worm at arms length, "God, he's got bad breath".
"Be glad you don't have to live in the same house as him", mutters Robin.
Silkie pees on Superboy's hand.
"That was NOT in my contract", cries the Kryptonian clone, "...eew, that is really, really gross".
"LINE!" screams dumas4
"He got excited", says Superboy, then sighs, "...now I am going to smell of worm pee all day".
Superboy leans over and wipes his hand on Wildebeest's motorbike jacket. Wildebeest stares at Superboy in a way suggesting that he will suffer a long painful death later.
"Now normally, I would have been so happy at offering service to you", says Superboy, "But there is something that is weighing very heavily on my heart. In the years we have been being friends, Jump City and Jersey", says Superboy, "never once have you invited me to your home, for coffee and cake, or gornoore, or something".
"Gor what?" asks Robin, confused.
"Gornoore", says Superboy, "it is a pastry with stuffing and it had the stuffing on it and had the sprinkles, mmm".
"Excuse me, I don't understand a word you're saying", says Robin.
"No, I am just coming back from the dentists", says Superboy, pulling cotton balls out of his mouth, "he left in the cotton balls".
Superboy hands them to Galfore.
"Ewwwww, those have been in your mouth!" grimaces Galfore.
"Ah hem!" snaps dumas4, tapping his foot and pointing to his watch.
"I-wiil-take-these-cottonballs-from-you-with-my-hand-and-put-them-in-my-pocket", says Galfore, doing so.
Superboy shakes his head at Galfore, rolling his eyes.
"Your other associate says very little", says Robin.
Wildebeest shifts from foot to foot.
"Well, my other associate says nothing", says Superboy.
"And why is that?"
"Because, my enemy cut out his tongue", says Superboy simply.
"GOOD GRIEF!" shouts Robin, "why?".
"Because a while back he was leading a hunt for my enemy", says Superboy, then waves his hands, sticking out his tongue, " A creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived. Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair! It was waiting for them with nasty, big, pointy teeth."
"And just who was this enemy?" asks Robin.
"Come over here", says Superboy, gesturing him over, "I have a photo. There see it?"
"What? Behind the rabbit?"
"It is the rabbit!"
"You silly sod!"
"What?"
"You got me all worked up!"
"Well, that's no ordinary rabbit."
"Oh."
"That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!"
"You twit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!"
"Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!"
"Get stuffed!"
"He'll do you up a treat, mate."
"Oh, yeah?"
"I'm warning you!"
"What's he gonna do? Nibble your bum?"
"He's got huge, sharp... er ... He can leap about. Look at the bones! Look what he did to Wildebeest!"
Wildebeest leans forward with a sigh, and opens his mouth showing that he has no tongue.
"Go like this", says, Superboy clicking his tongue, then laughs as Wildebeest steps back with a scowl, "He can not do it! I am loving to tease him!"
"Tell me Don El", says Robin, "What do you intend to do about Garfield of Logan?"
"Listen to this. I have got an idea", says Superboy, "Tomorrow, Tomorrow you are going to have your mid-evil fun and games. You are to make the archery event the most important contest, Garfield will not be being able to resist".
"Why is that?" asks Robin.
"Will Raven be there dancing naked for me?" asks Gar from backstage.
"We'll-make-him-an-offer-he-can't-refuse", says Galfore.
"Raven WILL be dancing naked!" cries Garfield with a squeal of delight.
"Maybe" says Raven patting Gar on the head.
"NO!" shouts dumas4. "Now get to your places!"
"I was just going to say that", says Superboy moodily, tossing the nuts at Galfore.
"Oww", says Galfore, "...my eye".
"That's brilliant!" grins Robin.
"No", says Galfore, "it really, really hurt!"
"Not you", snaps Robin, "the idea!"
"Thank you," grins Superboy.
"But, you do realize that Garfield is the finest archer in all the land?" says Robin.
"Oh no, don't you understand?" says Superboy, "Galfore is good, better, best. Show him your archery medals".
Galfore stands up and opens his coat, which is covered by medals, which let off an amazing glow.
"This coat weighs a ton", mutters Galfore, "... by the way".
"Ta da", says Superboy proudly.
"Wow wee!" says Robin in amazement.
"I couldn't have been saying it better myself", says Superboy, "Now, Galfore beats Garfield at the archery contest and then Wildebeest makes Garfield no more".
Wildebeest pulls out a crossbow from his pocket.
"No more?" asks Robin.
"Okaay, you are wanting it in plain English?", asks Superboy, "Garfield is going to be dead. D-E-D, dead!".
"That's not how you spell..." starts Robin.
"D-E-D: DEAD!", growls Superboy.
Robin whimpers in fear before clinking wineglasses with Superboy, both of them laughing evilly. On the balcony above them, Raven has heard all of this. She runs into her room, clapping on the lights, and pokes a sleeping Jinx.
"Broomhilde", she says, "Broomhilde, wake up!".
"Ugh?" mutters Jinx, opening an eye.
"There's a foul plot afoot!", whispers Raven.
"Eet's not mien feet", protests Jinx, "I just vashed them!"
"No, Prince John and the Sheriff have hired men to kill Garfield!" cries Raven, "We must warn them immediately!"
Raven goes to leave, only to have Jinx stop her
"Vait, my Lady", says Jinx, "eef Prince John should see us..."
"You're right", frowns Raven, "...we'll go out the back!".
She runs to the balcony
"Lady?" she calls, "...I can't believe I'm about to throw myself off a balcony"
"Don't try this at home, kids!" grins dumas4.
"And your not the horse Gar!" shouts Draconus.
She slings herself over the balcony and drops off, landing on a horse which has just trotted over.
"Broomhilde, I'm going on ahead, catch me up", she says, "Come on Lady".
As she trots off Jinx whistles.
"Farfelkugel!"
Another horse trots up and Jinx pulls herself over the balcony, complete with all her padding
She's got to be kidding, says the horse
As Jinx drops, the horse steps to the side, so she hits the pavement, leaving a huge crack
"Thank God for all the padding!", mutters Jinx, standing up, looking the horse in the eyes, "If I vas you, I vould NEVER do zat again. Any questions?"
The horse shakes his head
"Gut", says Jinx, climbing on as they gallop off after Raven.
I hope you guys like this one. Guardian of Azarath, you wanted the killer rabbit, so here it is. Hope it fits with what you were expecting. Keep up the reviews people, they're all that keeps me going.