Day twenty six
Dear nobody
Thats it! I give up!
Goodbye cruel world!!!
After going out on the town with the guys the other night, i learned a few things;
1.Women dont like me.
2. Women are only jealous of my because i have better hair than most of them in Lord of the Rings.
3.Women dont like me.
Mackenzie got a girls fone number, She looked quite cute and she had all the trimmings that you would expect a nice young woman to have...and then she opened her big fat gob...and all of that dissappeared.
The woman was a loud-mouthed drunk who spilt her cheap -run-of-the-mill champagne allove my expensive Armani trousers!
TWICE!
I shouted at her...ofcourse i did...but then i immediately wished i hadn't...
the only thing i remember after that was waking up outside the nightclub with a black eye and a scary security guard rubbing my temples...
do i have a gay vibe?
is there something about me that seems a little...bent, to you?
I dont look gay...
Ofcourse i manicure my nails, what self-respecting man wouldn't!
Ofcourse i comb my hair atleast 30 times a day...its the only way to make it silky smooth...
Oh god...I think i'm turning into a woman...
Johnny
day twenty six
Dear Ichy
I'm getting that gay vibe from Sad-Sack again...
I thought he had dropped it after the first film...but now hes picked it back up again...
I went for a toilet break and the man followed me!
I mean, ok i can understand he might be insecure about how he measures up in the er...nether-regoins...
But i felt violated when he stood in the cubicle next to me...i felt like i wouldnt be able to perform! He was ruining my concentration...
...and here i was thinking jack was the only one i needed to worry about...
Oh yeah, this room-mate thing with keira is working out swell now that we both have our own areas...I dont know why we didnt think of it before!!!
I stuck a post-it on her bean bag this morning telling her she would have to wait until tomorrow until she took a shower...i used up her time and mine for the bathroom without realising it.
but a man has to keep clean, you know!
Not like my filthy alter-ego, Captain Jack Sparrow!
...And yet since that filthy vaggabond came into my life, ive had ALOT more fanmail off women telling me how much they love me and want to marry me...
So its official;
Women like it dirty!
Jack D
Day twenty seven
Dear Norrie
I woke up this morning...
and i wasn't alone.
For a moment i thought i was still dreaming about running through a daisy field naked...but unfortunately it was no dream...
and just incase you were wondering...
Martin was NOWHERE to be seen!
It was rather parculiar...she was looking straight at me on the chair...her eyes staring right into me.
And then i tried to move...and only closer inspection found my arms and legs tied to the bed with rope.
...And i'm still here...
and unfortunately...so is she.
Keira
Day thirty
Dear Diary that isnt ichy
THAT IS IT!
Ive had it with bloody men!
3 days ive been unable to have a shower!
THe man is insufferable!
He even made COOKIES infront of me the other day, and then ate them to himself!!!!
Apparently the only reason i couldnt have one was because i WASNT on his side, and he apologised if the smell had escaped from his part of the room!
I need to get my own back...i have to do something to get my trailor back...before he starts wiring up the hi-fi system and playing Bob Dylan loud enough for people to think its ME who listens to his old-school hill-billy music!
Now then...let me think...what is the one thing that Johnny is scared of in the whole world...
Johnny
Day Thirty One
Dear Ichy
CLOWNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They're everywhere!
Shes put them in the fridge, in the closet!
UNDER THE BED!
I cant sleep in there now...its freaking me out...
that woman is the bride of chucky!!!!!!!!
Ive got this crazy vision in my head of Mr Chuckles coming to life in the night and dragging me under the bed with him!
Its times like these that i wish i had a night-light...
That Bch is going down!!
Jack D
Day thirty five
Dear Norrie
Its nice to know i'm loved...
Ive been here for nearly a week and NO ONE has bothered to look for me!
Shes used everything on me...although i have to admit that when the feather duster came out, she tickled me in places i never knew existed!
Ashamedly i am now growing quite fond of her.
Shes a weird little thing, but i suppose shes the only person that actually cares about me.
She spoon fed me yesterday!
Ok, maybe that was because my hands were tied behind my back, but atleast she didnt leave me to just starve!
It was quite sweet, if you think about it...
Have i gone insane? You ask...
Probably.
But hey! I aint complaining!
She told me she will let me go if i agree to being her Bch...i have no problem with that at all...
but it might clash with my busy schedule...
Ooooh! She's bringing out the fluffy handcuffs...
Ladies and gentlemen...i think i'm inlove...
Jack D
Day Thirty six
Dear Norrie
'oh what a beautiful morning!!!!!!'
I'm inlove...with a girl!!!!!
Its great...the way she makes me cater to her every need...the way she gets angry if i dont put enough mayonaise on her salad butties and hits me if i make too much noise when i'm working out...
I'm her Bch, and I'm proud of it!!!
I saw johnny yesterday. We were back on the pearl again...He asked me why i had a smile permanently attached to my face...
I told him im always like this...
He begged to differ...apparently my face resembles a smacked arse 99 of the time...
and then he asked me if i was getting some!
Thats private business between me and my lady friend...
But apparently my nod of the head gave it away to him...
...Its not like HE doesnt walk around with a smile on his face all day...because he does...
But theres no one here for him to get some off-
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Gross mental imagery...
I should tell keira to watch where she sits in her trailor...
Keira
Day Thirty Seven
Dear Diary that isnt ichy
Jack gave me the heads up on Johnnys possible nightly activities with his best friend 'mr hand' ... i must say i'm rather disgusted that Jack would make such allegations...johnny is a movie star, he doesnt do that sort of thing...
gross...
...although i may watch where i park my bum from now on...
IF I HAD SOMEWHERE TO SIT IN MY TRAILOR!
I came back yesterday to find (FINALLY!) the tape gone, the post-it notes disappearing into thin air...along with everything else in my trailor!
Apparently johnny knows a girl whose up for selling anything and everything on ebay...chikimina i think her name is...
and hes given her my things to sell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...so now im living in an empty space...with only my fridge and the kitchen sink...
Johnny said that after the clown incident, he didnt want to touch anything incase it was 'contaminated'...so he burned my bedsheets on a bonfire behind my trailor (including my Spice girls AND my pavorotti collection!!!!) and told me he was getting an exorcist round to;
'clear out the unwanted evil of squeeky joke noses and funny red clown wigs'
... the man has issues...
...Well atleast i still have my beanbag to sleep on-
JOHNNY!!!!!!!!! either get off it...or share...
Ha! I knew that would get him to move...
Orlando
day forty
Dear nobody
I had an epiphone yesterday...i realised that if you cant beat them, then you have to join them...
I was in the que in the local market, picking up my copy of 'womans weekly' when a gorgeous looking girl accosted me!
It came out of the blue, and i was rather taken aback...but she would not let go of me!!
She looked up at me with her sultry eyes all gleaming and said;
"omg! Your like my Idol! I LOVED you Edward Scissor hands!"
Welll...i was VERY angry...but i couldnt disappoint the girl now could i...
So i'm going on a date with her on friday night...
call me a fraud all you like, but im finally getting some!!!!!
Johnny
Day forty one
dear ichy
Why are people finding it so hard to look me in the eyes??
I went to shake kev's hand yesterday and he looked at it like he was inspecting it before he shook it!!!!
Theres something weird going on...
Everytime Keira goes for the beanbag she wipes it over with a cloth!
I dont have the lergie, you know...
atleast i dont think i do...
Gore has informed me about this kiss im supposed to be doing with keira...and apparently everyone is in on it but sad-sack...its like a conspiracy theory...i love it!!
I dont know whether to be ok about this kiss thing.
shes like Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay young!
My son has less years between them than i do with her!
Ah what the hell...if i can kiss winona im sure kissing keira wouldnt hurt...
much.
right...now im off to turn keiras trailor into a batchelor pad!!!!
...BTW the batchelor pad thing is a joke...im still with vanessa...damn, watch this be spread allover the papers tomorrow!!!
Jack D
Day forty two
Dear norrie
Went on a double date with my sexy Sailor and orli's emtally delinquant shop-girl...
She kept calling him Eddie...and he answered her!
What was her name...
chikiTina?
TikiChina?
MikiWeina?
Gah i dont remember...but it was possibly the weirdest night of my life...
It got better when me and my beloved got back to my trailor though...its amazing how much fun you can have playing cluedo with the one you love!
And now she has be blindfolded! ...so technically i dont know how im writing this...its amazing, isnt it!!!
We're playing the 'food' game...i guess the food and if im right i get a gold star which means im allowed to do a chore for her!
So either way i win!!!!!
And they say romance is dead...or maybe they just wish it...
keira
Day forty three
Dear diary that - screw it, its too long!
Johnny and me had a fight last night...
So i kicked him off the beanbag and made him sleep outsid until he had learned his lesson...
5 minutes later he was complaining that he would catch neuphmonia...well, it wasnt my fault that there just happened to be a gigantic thunderstorm outside!!!!!!
He packed his stuff and left today...the electric was fixed on his boat 5 DAYS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I asked him WHY it took him so long to clear out...he told me that spunging off me reminded him of the 'good old times' ...
"And also because i just love to piss you off"
Well johnny boy ive got a surprise for you...
my trailor has a hole in the roof where theres a leak coming through...SO GUESS WHOSE COMING TO VISIT!!!!
Oh im so evil...
...and so poorly looked after! How could someone NOT spot a hole in a roof????
Its ok for johnny...he gets a boat...
...hehehe...but not for long!!!!
...continue to page four...