day forty seven
Dear diary
Im utterly ashamed of myself.
Orlando is rolling in it...hes lapping it up like its the first sort of publicity hes ever got...
i however had standards to uphold...
Bloody bloom made me do it!
And then when we actually got into the water the boats showed up!
I swam to the shore and ran for the first shadowed haven i could!
Orlando was somewhere behind me...until i heard him screaming like a little girl when the police found him!
I had no option but to run!
'the white ape' made its own headlines...and as the 'creator' of the 'ape' i would like to say i am deeply hurt by their nickname for me...
Im slightly more hairy than an ape..
Jack D
Day forty eight
Dear norrie
Not getting along with The sheep.
We haven't thought of a name for it yet and i'm glad..it will make it alot easier for me to kill it when no one is looking.
Im not allowed to sleep in my own bed...The sheep has taken my place and now my beloved is sleeping in the same bed as it!
Iggy is no good either...he keeps blending in with his surroudings...yesterday i sat on the bugger because he'd decided to take my place on my couch!!
Sailors insane friend Bwa ha ha came round yesterday with Ichy...THAT was exciting...
Well...it kind of was actually, considering 'Ichy' is a boy and our new sheep is a female...they went off somewhere unknown for ten minutes and when they came back they both looked rather satisfied with themselves...
they must of been rutting around in the dirt or something...
Keira was back on set today...she still looked a little queasy, but i suppose that has to be expected after and EXTREMELY bad hangover...
What WAS strange was how much she kept avoiding johnny...
Maybe she finally admitted her undying love for him for something...
Hell, we've all done it !!!
Johnny
day forty eight
dear ichy
Im too good!
Shes believed EVERY word ive said to her since she woke up!!
The best one was just half an hour ago...
I walked straight up behind her and scared the living baby jesus out of her!
I asked her why she was avoiding me;
"Why are you avoiding me?"
"I'm not...im just...really interested in the sugar bowl i have infront of me..."
"How can you avoid me after last night? I thought it was something special...but maybe you think different..."
Well..that was it...her face paled and she sat down quite suddenly on a chair looking feint.
"What...what are you talking about..."
"You really dont remember, do you?"
"Erm...i really dont remember anything...I'm really sorry!"
"And i thought you were special..."
Keira was looking at me like a deer caught in headlights with a 20 tonne truck coming towards it...she was $h!tt!ng herself, in other words.
"I dont understand...what did we do last night?"
"I cant say here...if people find out then it all over...
"Johnny, dont mess me about! Just tell me the horrible and ghastly truth!"
"What do you want to know? How amazing you were?"
"WHAT?!"
"You were great"
"I was?"
"Yeah...I've never seen a scrabble player like you"
...that was four hours ago...
besides glaring at me in every scene we've been in together, ive not heard a peep from her since...
and i'm loving the peace!!
Oh and BTW;
the reason for all that sexual chemistry between jack and Elizabeth in DMC is most probably because for the generation of the 'Pearl scenes Keira wasn't talking to me...
If you look closely you could probably spot keira giving me looks that could kill... andif you look VERY closely under all the tension between the characters you will probably see me feeling very anxious...
talk about PMT!
Keira
Day 50
Dear Mr I-Hate-Johnny!
I hate hate HATE that man!
Im living with a monster!
I horrible, messy, irritating but damn-right sexy monster!
I havent spoken to him in two days.
He hasnt tried to apologise...he just made it worse by telling everyone!
And now they're all blaming ME for the dirty mind!
Oh im going straight to hell on a bicycle...
But i have to admit this nasty tension between us is paying off in the 'jack and elizabeth chemistry' department...ha! The audience will never even realise the reason behind it is because that insufferable man has made my life a misery for the past two days!
Even ORLANDO had a laugh at me!
ORLANDO BLOOM! Even then NAME makes you want to laugh!
...damn it...im never going to get my credability back...
unless...hmmmmmm...
fight fire with fire, right??
oooh! I like the way my mind works!!
Orlando
Day 50
dear nobody
Has the world gone mad?
Im not sure ive heard it right through the grape vine or not...
But johnny has told kev whose told milly the makeup girl whose told carl in CGI whose Apparenty let it slip to Janine in Props whose told me that Johnny and Keira have been having an affair????
Well blow me down with a feather!
I thought it would be me...never thought it would be johnny!
The pair of them dont get on for the majority of the time...unless its just an act and really they're staring hottly at eachother...
Nah...it couldnt happen...
I feel like im living in cookoo land!!!!
And i cant believe johnny didnt tell ME!
Im supposed to be a mate of his and he didnt think to tell me?
Did he think i would get jealous that he gets everyone and I get no one?!
That man is hott stuff even in his middle age apparently!!
Maybe i should just confront him...
Keira
day 52
dear mr Snuggles
HA!
Take that mr Depp!
Consider yourself PUNK'D!!!!!!!
It all started yesterday when i wokeup.
I turned the hot water on and then got myself ready for a shower
...step 1.
Then when i heard Johnnys snoring coming to a stop (and after nearly a month of living within 5 feet of him this is truly a blessing!) i stepped into the shower quietly.
Now bear in mind when johnny wakes up early in the morning hes not functional for other human conact for atleast another three hours...so he didnt even realise what he was doing when he stepped into the bathroom and THERE I WAS INNOCENTLY SHOWERING BEHIND THE CURTAIN!!
He didnt realise until i 'noticed' he was there and yelled so loud i could have swore i heard his heart having an attack...
Well since then its been rosey...hes been extra nice and hes even let me have HIS bed while hes been sleeping on the couch!!!
Breakfast has been glorious of a morning and not one 'i hate you' has passed from his lips...
its almost like he's being nice to me...
Unless hes planning something...
Oh, if he even tries it hes going down!!!!
I dont care if the women love him; i could live with the hate mail for the rest of my life, and the jail sentence too!!
Jack D
Day 54
dear norrie
theres something wrong with Gladys.
we named the sheep gladys because we couldnt think of anything else significant...
But shes been 'nesting' alot and shes even tried to hump Iggy a few times...which is quite a disturbing thing to watch...
My true love seems to think shes having little baby sheep. But ive already told her that if thats the case then Gladys is 'the virgin mary' of sheep...
no, i dont mean shes having gods baby, because that would be gross and cross-breeding isnt legal...
But in order for sheep to make little sheep they have to...erm...you know...do that thing that im to embarrassed to talk about...
My beloved looked at me like i was stupid.
Unless its Iggys...with all the humping going on lately its hard to tell really...
Johnny
Day 54
Dear Ichy
After the bathroom incident with Lady Knightley im treading carefully!
I didnt see anything and nore would i want to, but that none the less makes it better, so therefore im going to play the nice card and see how far it gets me before she forgives me and then we can get back to taking the piss out of eachother again!
Something funny is going on...
I served keira her breakfast yesterday and she turned around to talk to me and her neck clicked.
She said it was really painful so i massaged the top of it while she ate her breakfast.
Then suddenly the door to my yacht bursts open and Orlando is standing there...looking shocked?
He started muttering to himself and then he seemed to look at my hands on keiras neck and he went very pale...
then he said he needed to go down to the local chemist for some tranquilisers and left!
Neither of us understood exactly what was up...then again no one really ever does with SadSack, but he was acting very strangely...
Maybe hes got it into his head that me and keira are having an affair or something completely stupid like that...
wouldnt surprise me;
hes got a mind like an overactive child...
Orlando Bloom
Day 55
Dear Nobody
Who knew illegal substances were no longer illegal in foreign countries?
...Or so i thought...
ONCE AGAIN i spent the night in the cells with 'big gloria' for interacting in a drug-smuggling raid...and it was completely not my fault!
Some guy called me up and asked me if i wanted to take part in an underwear commercial (And honestly with my face, do you blame me?) and obviously i accepted...to my own stupidity.
I met the guy down a dark alley at midnight (and no, i didnt realise THAT was wrong either...) and then he took me to a white van and told me to wait inside.
Well, thinking i was going to be meeting the director thought i should make a good impression...so i stripped down to my Y-Fronts and waited for the director to turn up...
He didnt come but the police were VERY understandable when they arrived...and they even managed to snigger behind their hands which was really good of them.
Apparently the van was being tracked by the police so these gangsters decided to frame ME for it instead!!!!!!
Well the police found it rather amusing...especially considering they didnt speak a words of english and therefore had NO CLUE as to WHY i was behind the wheel of a van in my knickers...
Honestly...
anyway, after my rather turbulent night Gore bailed me out once again and told me hes not paying me for the rest of filming to pay back the expenses...and the gas bill too.
I'm so hard done to!!!!!
Keira Knightley
Day 56
Dear snuggles
Ive got to ask...
WHY do women instantly ask me 'what is johnny like?' whenever they meet me?
Do i not have a personality to talk about? Or am i just johnnys counterpart?
Well its getting stranger now anyway considering the makeup girls have started asking me what hes like in the bedroom...
...i told them hes loud and he switches his positions in the bed alot.
They seemed intregued by this, asking me what positions he gets into ...
I told them i could only hazard a guess and say he lies either on his front or on his back...whatever is easiest for him...
...Women are strange...they seemed to imply that i KNEW how he slept. I told them i didnt and they looked at me like i was weird...well i am, but they dont know that...
...i wonder what they ask johnny when they see him...
Johnny
day 56
Dear Ichy
Apparently ive started off a new sex position...
Vinnie from props was told byFrank from Location search who was told by Jimmy in CGI who got told by Valerie in Makeup that she had the best sex of her life with her husband last night...and it was all thanks to me...
...I'd take full honour but i have no idea what for...
Apparently Its called the 'Sparrow Dive' ...something about a man lying on his front and- eugh...i dont know...and i dont think i want to!
Its all getting very strange...Yesterday i was getting lunch when the sound guys were making rude gestures at me...something about;
'Keira Twice-Knightley' ...
That girl is too young to do ANYTHING twice...
Ha, listen to me getting into 'Dad' mode...Ive got to stop or it will ruine my 'street cred'...i'm 'Down wid it'...i'm 'hip'...although the last time i looked; 'hip' was a body part...
...Damn...a few more years and ill be able to ride the bus for free...
...I think ive officially started my mid-life crisis...
Keira Knightley
Day 57
Dear Snuggles
ITS HERE! the day is finally here...
its my kissing scene with Mr Depp!
I shouldnt be excited but naturally i cant help it because my former 14 yearold self has suddenly started doing back-flips and i feel like squealing like a little girl...
Its all hush hush around Orlando apparently...and hes starting to feel left out because everytime he turns up for a conversation with people they go all quiet around him...
i almost feel sorry for him...
...almost...
BUT IM DOING A KISSING SCENE WITH JOHNNY DEPP!!!
Did i mention that?
I dont fancy him or anything...but its got to boost my street cred, right?
Johnny was talking about street cred yesterday...saying how hes leaving a legacey for his children...
Im just leaving many adolescent boys feeling uncomfortable in their pants...or so Johnny says anyway...
He said he feels like hes going down hill...'feeling my age'...
Well as ive told him once before;
Its better to be over the hill than buried underneath it...
DID I MENTION IM DOING A KISSING SCENE WITH JOHNNY DEPP?!!
Johnny
Day 57
Dear Ichy
Oh god there she is...
This is a moment that will define me in either 2 ways;
1. I'm going to go down in history as an historic pirate who 'gets the girl' and goes down with his ship...
or...
2. I'm going to go down in history as a pervert...
WHY do they write in screen kisses for me with YOUNG women?
Is it just me or are they infact getting younger and younger as im getting older and older?
Ive known keira since she was 17...ive taken the miss out of her ever since ive known her...and now they want me to lock lips with her for a;
'steamy-closeup-snog-that-will-meak-or-break-the-elizabeth-and-jack-relationship'
...Look at her looking all giddy...
Then again i guess its something to look forward to since shes been snoggin the face off sad-sack over there for the past few months...poor girl must be frustrated...
Look at him with his sour expression just sitting there in his little rowing boat waiting for the next scene...
jesus hes in for a shock...
'AND ACTION!
Crap...ok, here goes nothing...
Keira
Day 57
Dear Snuggles
Johnny was standing there minding his own business looking at the mast when i made my predatory move...
'Thankyou, Jack'
Johnny seemed to put on that misty voice...the mark of any good actor. I tried it once and it made me sound like Barry White.
'We're not free yet, love'
I moved closer and looked up at Johnny...obviously trying not too catch his eye as usual considering he makes me burst out laughing just by looking at him...
'You came back. I always knew you were a good man'
Oh we're too good...its amazing how much you manage to control your laughter when your under such tension...
and then i was leaning in...moving closer...trying my best not to look at his face for fear of being burned at the steak incase i laughed...
Johnny
day 57
Dear Ichy
And then she was leaning in...moving closer...and i was trying my best not to look at her over-puckering lips for fear of being burned at the steak for laughing...
But i couldnt help it!
As soon as i did my 'not so manly' giggle suddenly she was shrieking like a banshee...and almost callapsed onto the floor with laughter...
obviously she had been holding it in for a VERY long time...
Gore shouted because if orlando saw us then it was all over and we would have to put this kiss back into the blooper section...
YES ladies and...well...what kind of man would read another mans diaries?!
Anyway, YES...this kiss scene was only EVER intended for the bloopers reel...but then gore changed his ever-changing mind and decided to put it into the actual film...
...So keira puckered up again and went for me!
I've got to say...i dont know what she practised on beforehand but she tasted like an orbit factory...
obviously she had garlic before she came in for this scene...
I however decided to drink a big pint of tomato juice...the most revolting taste in the world...to keira, anyway...
And so she pulled away making borking noises...I didnt take it personally...especially sincce the second time around i decided to take some cod-live-oil instead...
Oh the fun!
Orlando
Day 57
Dear Nobody
OH DEAR LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do my eyes decieve me or has the worst been confirmed?!
Johnny and keiras relationship is now apparently out in the open!!!
After what i just witnessed and-OH!
THEY'RE DOING IT AGAIN!
I cant watch...but apparently Gore can!
PERVERT!!!
OH CHRIST ON A BIKE!
Shes backing him up against the mast of the ship...i swear i just saw tongues!
She never used tongues on me!...i KNEW johnny was her favourite!
I bet this is just one big publicity stunt like Tom Cruise and Katey Holmes...
She'll be announcing shes up the duff next week!!!
Poor johnny...he'll be branded a cradle robber...talk about being up $h!t creek without a paddle...
HER HANDS ARE ALLOVER HIIM!!!
Thats it...ive got to put a stop to it all before they start consummating their relationship infront of the entire crew!!!!!
OMG! Even the sound guy has popcorn to eat while he watches!
Keira
day 57
Dear Snuggles
Not bad...not bad at all...
when you take away the pickled onions, tomato's,cod liver oil and the ever present smell of something that seems like it has died...
...Though Kev was close by so johnny cant be entirely blamed for that...
it was all good...i FINALLY got the kiss that Elizabeth deserves!
Thats it now..im officially a shipper...bless poor orlando but when this film starts showing in cinemas Will is going to be completely outranked by every woman in the world wanting JACK SPARROW as their knight in shining armour...
Speaking of Orlando...
Halfway through a very weird experimentation which included Johnny getting very 'up for it' and even suggesting the handcuffs-
(by this time we had decided not to be our reality selves and instead decided to be two bondage queens looking for the best way to get off...)
-a hard body suddenly collided with me and my lips were suddenly torn away (albeit begrudgingly) from johnnys and he crashed to the ground un-nessecarily...i thought it was part of his act but when i saw Orlando ontop of him i thought otherwise...
The fight didnt last long...with orlando screaming obscienities and announcing that i was going to turn into the next angeline jolie one of the sound guys pulled him off and told him to wait in the rowing boat...
oh that boy is in for punishment...
but atleast gore got the facial expression he was looking for with that surprise kiss...
Orlando looks like hes trying to pass a bowling ball...