Day 58
Dear Ichy
NOW i understand.
Orlando spilled the beans...more than he should have.
He told me everything; down to WHEN exactly he guessed me and keira we're secretly 'getting it on' behind the scenes...
Well the story seemed so good that i didnt want to disturb it...so i havent...its been hilarious.
Keira still doesnt know that we're having an affair that was secret but isnt anymore...and she seems to be the only one...
So now im making a point of it by bear-hugging her whenever i see her...and then tell her how pretty her hair is looking...
She told me to get a hobby...i told her ive got one...pissing her off is almost like my favourite pass-time!
The boys came over last night for a game of poker...and since keira is still keeping residance in my yacht i attempted to lock her in the bath room but it never works...considering the lock is on the inside...
So she sat there watching 'desperate housewives' on tv whilst us men got down to some serious business...
Overall i managed to win;
1.A keg of beer from Kev
2. A Pair of dirty old nike trainers from Orlando
3. A little baby lamb from Jack ... he said either he gives them away or they're going in a stew...
...So now the little lamb is settled with Keira and Im ready to go to bed myself...
I'm checking for clowns first though...the last time i went to bed without checking i found 'chuckles' taking up residence in my linen closet...
...couldnt sleep for days...
Jack Davenport
Day 59
dear norrie
Have i missed something?
I feel like i havent got out of my trailor for along time for fear of Gladys the sheep eating the douvet on my bed...shes a viscious little creature!
She had her little lambs...much more sooner than expected, too...
I'm starting to think Ichy wasn't the first sheep she has rolled around in the field with...dirty cow.
(I didnt mean cow as in she is actually a cow...because she isnt, shes a sheep...i meant cow in the mean sense of the word if that makes sense...and if not then ignore my english slang...everyone else seems to)
My beloved has kept me under lock and key.
oh yes, im officially a desperate house-husband.
We argued last night because i went to a poker game and she wanted to come with me...i told her the only girl who will be there will be Keira because she lives with johnny at the moment...i shouldnt have mentioned any names because as soon as i did my things were being thrown out of the trailor...a slight argument that was blown out of proportion if you ask me...butim now sleeping in the ditch OUTSIDE my trailor whilst that bloody sheep guards the door...
Im so hard done to!
Johnny
day 59
dear ichy
im sleeping on the fold out bed in the living area...
after playing poker last night with keira and losing she now gets everything in my trailor apart from my sock drawer...which might explain why shes walking around in my shirt and a pair of my underpants this morning...
That stupid bloody lamb has not left her side yet! Shes treating it like a baby...but little does she know i have BIG plans for that little sheep!
...Look at that!
She didnt even ask me if i wanted breakfast! Shes just feeding herself and giving that bloody sheep a bowl of milk! From MY fridge!
Ive got two kids so i know how to handle a sheep...but keira AND a sheep is just too much for me.
Last night after everyone left, Orlando kept prattling on about how 'wrong' it is for me to be 'interested' in keira when i have a family!
-yes he still insists we are having an affair...the poor deluded sod...-
Keira overheard however and decided to put the whelp straight...to no advail unfortunately because hes got it into his dense head that anything we say to him from now on is a lie to keep it a secret...
so if im telling him a lie then he should think of it as the truth because if it WAS the truth then it would actually really be a lie-
damn i have to stop myself doing that...jack sparrow moments are creeping up on me so much more than before!
in short term;
Hes a ham-sandwich short of a picnic in the brains department...if you get what i mean...and if you dont then i think you are too...
Keira
Day 59
Dear snuggles
WHY cant he get it through his thick head!?
ALL day ive had nothing but winks and nudges thrown my way from orlando because he thinks he knows something thats a big secret...when really he knows nothing at all!
Honestly, how amazingly docile can one person be?!
he started calling me Angelina on set before! I was like THIS CLOSE to throttling him with my hair extensions...
...and just for the record;
i know you are unaware of how close THIS CLOSE is...but believe me its VERY close!
And thats not the worst of it!
I went home to Johnnys yacht (which technically is MY yacht now because i won it off johnny in a poker game! Go ME!) and he was sat there eating some kind of meat strew...
...on closer inspection i noticed it couldnt be beef, pig or chicken because ive not actually seen one of those animals in the vascinity...
So YES IT IS OFFICIAL!!!
JOHNATHAN CHRISTOPHER DEPP IS A SHEEP MURDERER!!!!
Im so not talking to him for ANY of this now!
Silence of the lambs my ass!
...i think i mite start calling him Hannibal...
Orlando
Day 59
dear nobody
They thought they were so smart trying to hide from everyone...but i sussed them out completely!!!
i think ive figured out the facial expressions and body language they give eachother;
Raised eyebrows - Meet you at 6 behind the bike sheds
Glaring - behind this sour mask is the look of love...
middle-finger syndrome - oh how i love thee
the constant swearing - take me now!
I should be a psychologist!
...One of the girls in makeup found it VERY interesting and asked if she could tell her friend Ryan Seacrest about the sordid affair...
I told her to tell anyone she wanted aslong as they werent famous so its fair enough really...
...Im starting to be a right gossip-monger arent i!
but do i care?!
Do i buggery!
Johnny
Day 60
dear ichy
Shes not talking to me AGAIN...
She seems to think i ate the sheep...
Well i did and it was bloody gorgeous too!
She stomped around the yacht and threatened to throw herself overboard as a sacrifice for me eating her 'poochie' ...
...i asked her if she wanted me to help her out and give hera push...she could have called it moral support...
Instead she decided to go round telling everyone i was a murderer...
How come?
SHE eats meat and she doesnt call herself a murderer...
the injustice of it all!
I had to bang the bedroom door down to get my socks this morning
- (seems as though its the only thing of mine on that yacht i officially own...im currently wearing jack D's shirt and pants...and i look absolutely duluded...) -
and when the door finally opened she glared at me and jumped on my back from the top of the bed!
Well imagine what it must have looked like from outside while im standing there waving my arms around like a lunatic with a crazy woman clinging to my back!
Shes a small thing but trying to get her off was the hardest thing in the world!
...The worst was yet to come though considering orlando saw us through the window on his way to the set...
hes never going to get this fixation out of his head at this rate!
Orlando
Day 60
dear nobody
SWEET BABY JESUS AND THE ORPHANS!
...i never realised they had a sex life already!!!!
First base? Sure
Second base? Whats that?
Third base?! NEVER!!
...lucky b $ t a r d $!!!!!
Jack D
day 60
dear norrie
My beloved forgave me for my 'terrible wrong doing' ... apparently having a social life outside my trailor is a big 'no no'...
she put the sheep back in her play pen with her annoying little bleeping children and then told me gladys would need a 30 minute walk when i got back from filming...apparently my true love would be too busy shopping with my platinum card...
and they say romance is dead...
Speaking of romance...i get the morning newspaper today and BLESS MY PLATINUM GOLD SOUL!
The paparazzi have only got a whiff of the sordid affair between keira and johnny!!!!
apparently according to Ryan seacrest the source wanted to remain anonymous... but also stated that Orlando was the culprit of the allegations...
...do you feel that?
Its the feeling of impending doom...
Johnny
day 62
Dear Ichy
After pleading none stop for 2 days Vanessa has finally seen sense...
After reading the stupid bloody newspaper report the otherday she rang me up to tell me she never wanted to see me again...but fortunately due to my great persuasion and the fact that we all know orlando is a complete and utter Dunce she allowed to to explain and then suddenly it became quite clear that at that moment in time we would both like nothing more than to strangle the whelp...
...who by the way is in hiding!
Keira is STILL on the yacht...though the matter of her moving out has come up since all this happened because apparently she feels like shes going to be on the recieving end of a very good talking to when Vanessa and the kids come to stay...
Shes not though, because both my girl and the kids happen to love her...in small doses anyway.
She said she might go and live in with orlando...and then kill him and steal his trailor...which makes me wonder if that was her plan for me all along...
i suggested asking jack, but apparently if another woman steps within a 200 meter radius of the trailor then a very angry sheep chases them away...
Jack said its a defense mechanism but we all know hes just the b!tch of the relationship...
Now then...as soon as i find the barb-wire and the spatula im on my way round to orlando's trailor...
A/N: SailorLeo's Diary entry...another obsessive Norrie rant!! Hehehe!
Dear norrie-baby
Ah ha! I found it! the holy grail of information, no not the script to AWE but in fact my beloved's diary...He's so sweet, he writes such nice thigns about me, not such much my sheep. I don't understand why, they're so cute. I don not appreciate how everyone keeps refering them as sunday's brunch and tuesday's dinner. Poor dearies.
On other news I finally convinced the casting directer to give me a part in the movie. It's a minor role...well...really minor. I play wench number five. Woo hoo! I get to share screen time with Jack-y-poo! Although I was almost fired when I kept knocking out Keira Knightly with a prop chair...what..?...Oh SHE HAD IT COMING! No one, I repeat, NO ONE knocks out my Jacky-poo with a rum bottle but ME! Stupid B!
PS...Those makeup girls can do wonders...You'd never tell that I bloodied u p the whore!
PPS: I caught Orli in the midsts of another man's arms...a man with trashy highlights...Upon closer inspection I marked the man as Ryan Seacrest...hmmm...wierd...oh well, of to the tabloids I go, after I make a starbucks run...
Toodles
Keira
day whatever
dear snuggles
I GIVE UP!
im public enemy number one!
the girls in makeup seem to have started a hate club in my honour because of this whole 'johnny and keira' rumour...
ive now been demoted to having a camera man even out my complexion before my scene!!!!!
Orlando has told me i can live in his trailor if it helps to make everyone stop wanting to kill me...apparently he wouldnt mine rumours being made up about him because it will 'boost his star status'...i told him to stop clutching at straws and just 'come out' already!!
Ryans dying to make it official!!
orlando
day i dont care!
dear nobody!
i am NOT clutching at straws!
I am NOT and have never been a 'bum-boy!
It is an exit hole and NEVER an entry!
'Someone' -
(Whom shall remain anonymous so when she unexpectedly disappears no one can blame me)
- has been trying to make me look like ive been having an affair with a man!
They have no allegations to prove it -
(Unless you count that one time in Mexico, and to my knowledge THAT THING was a FEMALE...until it took its clothes off)
- and mine and ryan's relationship is strictly platonic!
...now then...where did i put my vaseline...
Johnny
Day forgotten completely now!
dear ichy
what a kufuffel!!!!!
I told keira she had to move out...
her instant moaning and crying was getting on my nerves...so i told her if she doesnt like watching my re-runs of 21 jump street then she can hit the road!
i packed her stuff and dragged her kicking and screaming all the way over to Orlando's trailor...
Within two hours she was back at my door BEGGING to come back!
...apparently theres nothing quite like having to sit there enduring two hours of Orlando skipping to HIS parts in Lord of the rings and watching him re-act it out as a live performance...
I took pitty on her and let her stay again...but only for a few days until the directors board can get her another trailor.
I knocked around at Kevs trailor this morning...i havent seen him for a few days because he hasnt been needed.
When he opened the door i could tell he had been on the 'whacky-backie' straight away!
Mackenzie was sitting there watching his hand move infront of his face and giggling like a little girl...
...i never would have thought that out of EVERYONE on set that it would be THOSE TWO who light up the dubie...
i left them to it and made my way over to sad-sacks trailor...
big mistake...
he was still re-enacting his role of 'legolas' and invited me to join and be 'aragorn' ...i declined politely ofcourse...i thought laughing in his face would be a bit harsh...
Continue to page seven...