day - not thought about it
dear norrie
Us English citizens (mainly Orlando, keira, kev and mckenzie) have seen our arses...
Upon discovering that the bloody americans call our most cherished sport SOCCER...we decided to make them put their money where their mouth is...
WE'RE HAVING A SOCCER (OR AS THE TRUE NAME IS CALLED: FOOTBALL!) MATCH!
We've decided to pick teams of 5 a side...
For England we have;
1.Kev
2.Keira
3. Me (Jack ofcourse)
4.Orlando (But my gran his better than he is so we might keep him on the bench)
5. And Mckenzie Crook
For The Grand ol' US of A we have;
1. Johnny 2.My beloved 3.Ted 4.Terry 5.Lee (The guy who plays pintel...)
The game is on tomorrow so we're all having team strategies and meetings.
Id say out of my team keira is probably the best because shes actually been in a film that involved football...
Kev runs out of breath from walking up the stairs and orlando would rather sit and look at mens asses from the corner of his eye...
and as for mckenzie?
Well...hes never really spoken much to me...he just sits there contemplating the meaning of life...
weird bugger!
Johnny
Day 73? Or 74?
dear ichy
I sense a fox in the chicken coop...
ive hid our strategie for the soccer match in a shoebox under my bed...and SOMEONE has opened it and rifled through it...and put a clown teddy in there aswell!
I mean honestly...who would do such a thing?!
...ill give u one guess!
I remember when life was simple...it was peaceful and it was calm...and then SHE WAKES UP and it all goes pear-shaped again!!
And im frustrated about these soccer rules too...whats the point of kicking a ball around a big field when you can pick the bugger up and run with it??
Apparently Gore is going to be our referee...but he knows nothing about soccer either so i think he'll let us get away with picking the ball up!
Keira'd been showing off her ball skills on the yacht...and NO before anyone thinks anything i dont mean in a dirty way!
...shes been doing something called a 'keepie-uppie'...which consists of her seeing how long she can keep kicking the ball up into the air over and over again without letting it touch the floor...
i dont see the point myself...and plus she broke my expensive crystal duck collection by knocking them over with that bloody ball!
...scary thing is...i have a feeling she might actually be good at this sport...
we're screwed
Keira
day - i dont bloody know!
dear snuggles
im all revved up for this match tomorrow!
apparently jack has been getting it in the neck from his 'misuzz' because she wanted to be on his team...apparently it took him half an hour to actually get back into his trailor this afternoon after the mad woman had barricaded herself in!
...jack said she found it hard to understand the 'nationality' rule...i swear if i wasnt a women im sure i would think like a man!
my trailor has come!
And because johnny was the one that caused the hole in the roof when he used orlando's bow and arrow as a 'flame thrower' one time, HE HAS TO FOOT THE BILL!
he went mad when i told him!
Now hes saying im not having the trailor and that i can sod off and move in with kev...
I'd rather lick my own $$hole thankyou very much...
So i figure ill just stick around with johnny and torment him some more...i swear he never had one grey hair on his head until the day i moved in!
Im stressed out too though!
Im being upbeat and making everyone do regular exercise!
Im building team morale and WHAT DO THEY DO TO ME?!
...they picked me up and put me into the nearest wheely bin and shut the lid so i cudnt get out!
apparently jack cant stand the nazal whine to my voice...he said he'd rather hear nails going down a chalk board...
i was up at 5 this morning coming up with a name for our team!
Johnny just laughed and then told me to shut up and go to bed because i was making more noise than orlando had been making earlier on in the night...
apparently he was round here with his lord of the rings DVDS...again!
well it could be worse...he could have brought round elizabeth town..now THAT was a tragedy of a movie...
someone remind me again WHY hes an actor?
Orlando
Day - never you mind!
dear nobody
Its not fair!
No one will let me join in!
Apparently im coming on in the third half of the game...which is weird because to my knowlege there are only two halves...
So i offered my services to 'Team-if-we-dont-call-it-sailor-she-will-kill-us!' ...they declined saying that being americans they wouldnt find it very patriotic to have a 'limey' on their team...id be offended but i dont know what a 'limey' is...
so now ive been demoted to 'water boy' ... and when im not being 'water-boy' im being 'just-sit-down-and-watch-before-you-do-something-stupid-and-hurt-yourself boy'.
I feel so degraded...keira has them all doing star jumps!
Two out of four of them are beginning to look a little hot under the collar to be honest...i think kev is having calorie withdrawals...but he shoulnt do with that Mars bar he has stuffed down the front of his pants...in the hot sun...
...ewww...
but hey! on the upside they said i could be team mascot!
I get to make my own suit and everything!! ..but i already have the outfit with me anyway because i carry it around as a momentum of my glory days back when i was weilding a bow and arrow...
back in the days when the tights i wore werent as thick and hot...they were more like a fine silk...oh, those were the days...
Jack D
Day - i want to die!
dear norrie
BLOODY AMERICANS!!!
Imagine urself running down a field towards a ball rolling across the grass...and then just as your about to kick said ball your suddenly bear hugged from behind and the ball is no longer at the end of your foot but in the arms of another man!!!!!
Its half time at the be-all-and-end-all match!
During the first half fists have been thrown, tempers have flared and teeth have been knocked out...although that was entirely Orlando's own fault for putting on his monkey suit and not realising there were no eye holes for him to see...i should have warned him about the rather large metal pole that held one side of the net up...but i thought it would be much funnier to see him crash into it...
but anyway back to the match!
WHY are the americans piking the ball up with their hands??
My beloved has gone all 'kamikazzi' on me...she gets really agressive when competition is looming...
Poor keira didnt even see her coming when she was dribbling the ball towards the yankee net...
apparently she hasnt woken up yet...
WHICH LEADS US TO OUR NEXT PROBLEM:
Since keira is otherwise engaged...we have only 4 members of our team left...which means only one thing...
We're trying to swap johnny for Orlando...the americans are so gulible they'll believe hes actually good!!!
Ted
Day - not too sure...
Dear whoever
nope, they're not pulling the wool over my eyes!!!
Ive seen orlando act so his soccer skills cant be much better...
Besides...the rumour going around is that hes actually STUCK inside the monkey costume...which means if he's not out of it by the end of the match then we're going to either cut him out...or leave it because its a vast improvement...
First half has been excellent!
Sailor has been our best player so far...she hasnt scored but shes got one hell of a right hook on her!!
Oh...must remember to tell the guys NOT to pick up the ball...apparently its 'cheating'...in america its totally acceptable...
orlando
Day - do you suffer from long term memory loss? ... i cant remember...
dear nobody
I'M FINALLY GETTING A GAME!!!
Im officially the first monkey to play a game of football! Our ancestors would be so proud of me!!!!!
Only problem is the fact that i really am stuck...it seems that someone has saboutaged my suit...so not only can i get the body off, but the head is stuck on too...
Kev very kindly burned two eye holes into the head for me with his cigarette lighter...i told him i could feel it burning me but that just amused him so he did it more...
ted said i looked so good i could stand in for Jack the monkey...apparently according to him that was the role i was MEANT to be given...but my agent paid him extra to hire me...
jack ass.
Ohhhhhh!!! the match is starting!!!
now then...if i could only see the pitch with all this fur in my eyes...
Johnny
Day - WOOOHOOOOOO!!
Dear WE-SO-KICKED-YOUR-ASS!!
Another proud win for us Americans...we are officially the best at everything!
At times it looked pretty ugly...especially when keira gained consciousness and tried to take out her revenge on our sailor!!
...I didnt know girls could wrestle without the mud!!!...
Orlando pratted around...at times i felt sorry for their poxy little team...they had a heavy smoker, a lankey streak of p!$$, sailors less violent better half, a whiny and irritating thorn in my side and sad-sack...need i say more?
I had to laugh when the ball stopped at orlando's feet...we all charged on him, so instead of kicking the ball forwards and trying to score for his team he just ran off the pitch instead...and Lee thought it would be hilarious to keep chasing him...
I think he got to the end of the island before he gave up!
3-2!
3-2!!!!
WE ARE THE BEST!
WE BEAT YOU!!!!!
Wooohoooooo!!!!
Keira
Day - kiss my ass!
Dear Snuggles
Johnny can kiss my tiny white ass!!
ALLL DAY hes done nothing but wind me up about the match!
In my defence i missed half of it...and a chimp in a monkey suit replaced me!
Speaking of the chimp; theres no way hes getting out of his suit...he thinks he mayhave to film like that for the rest of the film...
well if that doesnt make the audience want jack and elizabeth together more than ever then i dont know what will!!!
Poor orlando...i know johnny did it but i have no proof...but whilst orlando is walking around looking like a d!ck, im walking around with a black eye!!
Sailor has it in for me...yesterday she nearly set her sheep on me!
IT GROWLED!!!!! ...how the hell did she manage to make it do that???
the mind truly baffles...
Im supposed to be going out on the town again tonight...just me and johnny...to see who can drink whom under the table...
im onto a sure winner!!!!
Johnny
Day- next of never
Dear ichy
its so pittiful...
There i was expecting stiff competition from keira with this drinking contest!
I thought it would be a tough one, but apparently her version of 'under the table' is quite different to mine...
With one glass of wine she was LITERALLY under the table!
i told her it was because she was too skinny. If she had a bit of meat on her she could take the alcohol...instead of throwing it up allover my shoes...AGAIN!!!
women...the next thing i knew i was ONCE AGAIN carrying her home...i ended up putting her over my shoulder and then dumped her on the couch where she fell soundly asleep...
my 'brother' mode unconsciously came into play however when i thought that if she was sick through the night then she might die...or even worse ruine my couch...
so being the gentleman i am i stayed up ALLLLLL night watching her...not pleasant when her face is going green from the sick...its like nothing i haveever experienced before and i would never wish to see it again!!!
...i might give her some payback (as always because i love to mess with her wharped little mind!!!)
...i think the smell of bacon and eggs of a morning is absolutely fantastic when you have a really bad hangover...dont you????!
..oh...you can't touch this!!
A/N: A diary entry by our dearly beloved pirate diva!!! ...She did some that could have been placed earlier on into the diaries...but i got confused and couldnt place them, but they can all be placed here now!!!!!
Keira
Day- Tooo Hungover to know!!!
Dear Snuggles,
I WANNA DIIIIIIE!!!!!!!! I feel like Wild E. Cayote getting 1,000 lb. weights drop on my head by the RoadRunner!!!
Oh the PAIN!!!!! I wanna Die, I wanna Die, I wanna Die!!!!
I Hate Johnny...it's all his fault i'm like this!! He CHEATED...he didn't drink as much as I did!! He just wanted to see me drunk...well he succeeded!! Holds Head And now i'm FIGHTING FOR DEAR LIFE!!!
I do have to admit that this couch is quite comfy...and Johnny did take care of me the whole night...He can be quite charming when he wants to be!!! so i guess i owe him Th-Th-Th...oh gosh i cant even say it!!
Snif Ugh is that BAcon and Eggs!...oh I THINK IM GONNA BE SICK!!! gAG gAG I GIVE UP...JUST TAKE ME NOW!!
A/N: The fabulous PIRATESSEX contributed this diary...a work of art!!!!
Johnny
day- who cares honestly
Dear ichy
I GOT HER !!!!
her face was priceless when she woke up this morning...
BWHAHAAHA!!!!!!!!
I'm just to good arnt i?
oh god now I'm asking my diary questions...
Oh well should i feel sorry for sad-sack?
well i dont i get a total and complete laugh out of this.
Almost as much a laugh as the site of keira running to the bathroom over ten times.
Who knew her little body could hold so much liquid Seems like she would gain 20 pounds if she ate a big mac I made liver and oiuns for dinner To bug keira.
unfortunately keira was feeling fine , she chased me around with her shoe for about an half an hour, amazing... i swear that girl never runs out of energy she like a squirrel running after a nut.
Ive been thinking why in gods name is my diary named after that crazed fan-girl bwahahas sheep?
A/N: PirateDiva's diary entry
Keira
Day- Who cares?
Dear Mr. Snuggles,
HA HA HA...Who's laughing now? SO He thought i would like the smell of Bacon and eggs the morning after we had our little Drinking fiasco...huh!!! But the Joke is on HIM...cause i have snuck in RAW BACON and cracked a couple of eggs and put it under his bed!!!
Lets just see how much he likes the smell of BACON and EGGS after a couple days of ROTTING!!!!
LOL...GOSH I AMAZE MYSELF SOMETIMES!!! Just when i think i can't surpass myself...I DO!! He thinks he's good and the King of RETALIATION...But i'm the QUEEN of WAR!!!!!! Grins evilly
Johnny
Day - do do do doooo...
dear ichy
THE WOMAN NEEDS 'HAZARDOUS' STAMPING ON HER FOREHEAD!!!
so yeah i have to agree the wrotting eggs and bacon WAS rather a good prank...BUT THEN SHE HAD TO RESULT TO IDIOCY!!!
Im telling you, she was so far past the line that she couldnt even see it anymore!!!
I mean...WHO in all of holy hell would even want to scrape the wrotting food from underneath my pillow and then attempt to serve it to me!!!!
...i really think shes trying to bump me off...
...i never should have gave her the pin number to my credit card...thats the one thing i live to regret...
That and letting orlando give me a blow-by-blow account of how he killed the orks in Lord of the rings...
some things are just better left alone...very alone...in a padded room alone...bless him...a face only a mother could love
Continue to page eight...