Disclaimer: In no way, shape or form do I own any of the characters. Nor do I own the poems. The plot however, is mine. So back off.

Hogwarts On It's Head
Summary: A series of poems suddenly knock the Hogwarts student body on it's collective rump. They're everywhere! And no one knows who wrote them…

The second chapter is finally out! Yes! How exciting is this? Very. I think it's very exciting. Once again, I'd like to mention that buggaboo1 has generously lent me her poems. Everyone say thanks to her!

I'll say this again at the end of the chapter. But listen closely anyway. Yes, I did CHANGE THE LAST STANZA OF THIS CHAPTER'S POEM. Read the end notes for an explanation!

Hard Day's Knight

Act Two, Scene One

Classes that week were chaos. The only thing people seemed to want to do was talk about "The Poem". For the very first time, Professor Snape was laughed at, to his face, in his class.

The boy, a Mr. Delorimier, thought himself very clever. And so did a few other classmates. But those like Hermione, who valued the educational side to any class, disapproved heavily. This was mainly because she too, was getting taunted. Only for her it was cruel, sexual jibes like, "Hey Granger! You spreadin' those thighs for the Master?" Of course, this all came from the Slytherins, and when reported, all offending parties were sent into the Forbidden Forest for the night with Filch. Consequentially, Mr. Delorimier was given a three week detention with the very person he had mocked. Each night he came out of the dungeons with bright orange boils all over his body. These were due to the cauldrons he'd been forced to clean…Certainly not the result of several harmless curses…Oh no…

By Thursday, classes had begun to resemble, well…classes again. The teachers finally had a semblance of order once more. Students were able to concentrate on work again, and Hermione was once again satisfied with the way things were run.

Outside of classes was another matter. No one seemed to get anything done. That Tuesday morning, Colin Creevy announced that he was now taking bets on who had written "The Poem". The candidates were Hermione, Harry, Ron (Though all the Slytherins laughed at this.), Ginny, Professor Snape, Draco Malfoy (All the Gryffindors laughed at this.) Blaise Zabini, and most surprisingly, Professor Vector. The logic behind this was that since she preached about number to everyone, she would be the last one anyone would suspect. He then said that he was doing all this on behalf of Fred and George Weasley of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. Apparently, they had gotten a copy of the poem from Ron, and thought this whole thing was great fun. Outwardly, Hermione disapproved of everything, but when no one was looking, she secretly put two galleons on Blaise Zabini.

"Thank Merlin this is almost over." Hermione volunteered Thursday night as she closed her textbook with a snap. Harry and Ron looked up from their game of Wizarding Chess.

"Ah, it wasn't so bad."

Hermione glanced over to where Ron was sitting. "You mean it wasn't so bad for you. You're not the one who was featured in it."

"Yes I was!"

"Not like me. You were in one stanza. I was in three. And you didn't get teased." She shook her head. "Professor Snape and me. What nonsense…"

Act Two, Scene Two

Friday morning was a different matter. Regrettably (in Hermione and Snape's opinion) it was just like the last Friday except this one happened to fall on Valentine's Day. And there was a different poem, of course.

Everyone else (teachers excluded) was ecstatic.

"Enough about students, now what about me?
There's more to this greasy-haired git than you see.
The heart of a lion, the looks of a bat –
The first part? Don't tell the Gryffindors that.

"I'm really not ugly, the good looks are there,
If you can just disregard nose, teeth, and hair.
Attractiveness standards, they vary by culture
There must be some place where they cherish a vulture?

"Hooked nose, sallow skin, a billowing cloak,
Some witch out there must fancy those in a bloke?
I'm willing to travel, no matter how far
To find me a woman who is up to par.

"Because here at Hogwarts, the pickings are slim –
Look at the professors, the picture is grim!
Minerva's too old and turns into a cat,
And I am allergic, so that, folks, is that.

"Trelawney? Good heavens, the woman's a joke.
One look at her is enough to provoke
the most violent dislike – don't know what it is…
The bangles? The constant attempts to French-kiss

every male who shows even the least bit attention?
She once caught old Lupin, I'd just like to mention.
It took ten hellish minutes to make his escape.
His boggart now takes a Trelawney-ish shape.

"Hooch is too Hooch-y, Sprout's too rotund,
Vector's so ugly it leaves a man stunned.
(And I know about ugly; believe me, I do.)
Pince is as exciting as wallpaper glue.

"For a starry-eyed twit, Sinistra's not bad
Even if she is slightly deranged and half mad.
But the one major drawback (it makes me quite sick)
Is that she has a Hagrid-sized crush on Flitwick.

I wish a good girl would petition for me.
Instead I get stuck with a cup of cold tea.
My love-life is just a perfect disaster-
Couldn't Miss Granger grow up a bit faster?

This second poem was written the very same style of the last one, and underneath it in large, flowing letters was, "Happy Valentine's Day". By the time the first class of the day was over, it had already been dubbed, "Love Life (Or Not)" by half the school. Hermione read it once, sniffed, and shoved it into her robe. Later she let it be known that she was keeping each one strictly for memorabilia purposes. Harry and Ron rolled their eyes, but didn't question her motives.

Act Two, Scene Three
The Trio was on their way to Charms that day after lunch when they spotted Luna. Her cork necklace was bouncing and she was intently reading an upside down copy of the Quibbler. The blinding purple shirt she wore underneath her robes was extremely at odds with her scarlet gloves and canary yellow scarf. She smiled in greeting with she noticed they had joined her. "Hey, great gloves!" Ron said, leaning in for a better look.

Luna held one hand out absently. "Aren't they stellar? My father sent them to me. They are made of an ancient basilisk skin said to make your skin tingle every hour." She shook her head to and fro in a disappointed fashion. "I've been wearing them all week, but no tingle. Daddy says it may take awhile though."

Intrigued, Hermione leaned closer as well. "What does the tingling do?"

"I don't know." Luna said helpfully. The rest of the conversation consisted of some very diverse topics. They included, but were not limited too: Luna's gloves, Quidditch, the poems, Quidditch again, Hermione's rune class (whose teacher was supposedly ineffective.), and the fact that Crookshanks was losing weight for no reason whatsoever. Ron and Harry were incessantly happy about this since it meant the cat could no longer knock them flat each time they ventured near Hermione's room for Homework help.

Act Two, Scene Four
By dinnertime, Hermione was furious. While the magnitude of her annoyance was not as great as last Friday, her anger had sky rocketed. Ron and Harry heard her ranting over it at dinner.

"I cannot believe this!" She began, shaking a chicken leg at her two friends. "I am absolutely incensed at being featured in such a way as a tawdry novelty!"

"Come on 'Mione." Harry began. "It can't be-"

Harry was shot down. "Oh, don't 'Come one 'Mione.' me. I cannot believe that you can think that I would-"

"Miss Granger." Said the shadow behind her.

Slowly, the Trio turned to face the voice's owner, Professor Snape. There was a singularly odd look in his eye tonight, but all the same, he looked angry. "Yes Professor?" Hermione put down her chicken leg. Around them, the other students (Harry and Ron included) were conspicuously engrossed in their own meals.

Snape raised an eye brow at the discarded weapon, but mercifully refrained from comment. "Five points from Gryffindor, Miss Granger, for disturbing dinner. Also, you are to come with me as of now. Professor McGonagall wishes to speak with you."

Hermione rose dutifully, dabbing at her lips with a napkin. They exited the Great Hall a foot apart, both their backs ramrod straight. But as the doors closed behind them, Harry thought that he caught a glimpse of them moving closer together, the backs of their hands touching. Oh well, must have been his imagination.

As soon as they were gone, the whole Gryffindor table swiveled around to look at where the other professors were sitting. In relief, they noticed that Professor McGonagall was indeed missing in action.

Act Two, Scene Five
Professor McGonagall looked down her nose at Hermione, who was sitting politely in front of her, before speaking. "So, Miss Granger, you have been featured in both poems put forth by our mysterious author." The newest installment was then held up.

"Yes Professor."

"Do you realize what they imply at you and," she motioned to him, "Professor Snape?"

Hermione's cheeks tinged a delightful shade of pink. "Yes Professor McGonagall."

"Do you have any ideas on who is writing them?" her answer was a shake of the head. "Professor Snape?"

Snape moved from the massive fireplace to the chair beside Hermione. "I believe that it may have been a Ravenclaw."

"Do you have any reason for that theory?"

He flicked one hand about in a negligent manner. "The Ravenclaws are renowned for their minds, are they not? Certainly no other house shows such an aptitude for academia." It was a thinly veiled insult.

Hermione interrupted. "But would it not take a Gryffindor's courage to post such a thing?" she asked contrivedly.

Snape's eyes narrowed. "Are you saying you know who it is Miss Granger?"

His pupil opened her mouth to speak when McGonagall cut in. There would be no arguing in her office. "You are both right. It could have been a Ravenclaw. It could have been a Gryffindor. A Hufflepuff could have done it because no one suspects them of anything. It might have been a Slytherin too. They have the cunning to pull such an operation under all our noses!"

"You've made your point Minerva." Snape murmured coolly.

"The Professor is right. It could be anyone, and we need to be putting our heads together to figure out who it was instead of arguing." Hermione put in.

"Nicely put Miss Granger." Acknowledged McGonagall.

Act Two, Scene Six
A letter from Mr. Weasley and Mr. Weasley to the Trio.

To: R. Weasley, H. Granger, and H. Potter
From: Fred and George

R, H, and H,

We just wondered if you'd know how many bets Colin has gotten so far. If you and Harry don't know, Hermione surely does. And Ron, thanks for the copy of the latest installment. Love the title. We both think they're as fun as a barrel of monkeys. And the customers think it's hilarious too. Send the next one to us on the double. Hermione, don't you worry about a thing. I'm sure you and old Snape will be very happy together. We're sending you one of our patented Daydreams. It's a Steamy Edition so have fun! Harry, we really haven't got much to tell you mate…Stop by soon and we'll submit you to all our newest tricks.

Fondest Laughs,
F. and G. Weasley

Act Two, Scene Seven
A letter to the Weasley twins. (Well, technically it's a howler…)

To: Fred and George
From: H. Granger

Fred! George!

Take those poems out of your store or I swear to Merlin that I'll rip them down myself and shove them down your throats! And if you put up another two copies and I hear about it, I'll tell Snape. And he won't be pleased at all.

Not-So-Fondest-Laughs,
Hermione Granger

Act Two, Scene Eight
Six days later, the author sat down to their desk again. It was late at night and the breeze was especially brisk. The desk's only noticeable difference was the jar of emerald green ink. Instead of being in peril of getting knocked over, it was placed on a newly bought stand. A glace of pumpkin juice sat to one side, half empty with a dirtied napkin next to it. It was the perfect night to write, but nothing would come out. Impatiently, they shook their hands and then tried again.

Close but no cigar.

Shaking their head (Maybe that would clear it up. They could feel a head cold coming on.), they picked up a random book. Then a random page. Finally, a random sentence. And this brought inspiration. A shaky inspiration, but inspiration all the same…

"Hmm…" The mumbled, chewing on their quill. Finally, words began to flow.

Ev'ry year Dumbly goes out on a mission
To once again fill up the DADA position…

To be continued…

AUTHOR'S NOTES –

Yes! Contrively is a word. I got from my American Heritage dictionary. It's on the bottom of page 290. An apology is in order. Last week, I did not spell my partner's name right. It is spelled buggaboo1. So there it is. If any of you want to read them separately, you can always find her on say this again. In this chapter, I DID CHANGE THE CONTENT OF THE POEM. In the last stanza, the poem said:

I wish JK would write a girlfriend for me,
Instead I get stuck with some loathsome OC.
My lovelife is such a perfect disaster-
Couldn't Miss Granger grow up a bit faster?

Since there is a mention of the heralded J. K. Rowling, it regrettably had to be changed. You'll notice I changed it to this:

I wish a good girl would petition for me,
Instead I get stuck with a cold cup of tea.
My lovelife is such a perfect disaster-
Couldn't Miss Granger grow up a bit faster?

I'm sorry about that, but it had to be done. I hope you all understand. In other news, the REVIEW RESPONSES are next and I hope that you enjoyed this chapter. Review please!

REVIEW RESPONSES

buggaboo1 – Wow! A review from the creator of the brainchild! How exciting. I'm so glad that you liked the first chapter. I was really worried that you'd think I'm a bad writer. Hope you liked this one!

BANDGEEK2300 – Thanks! I was worried that people would think my plot was too out there. Thankfully not. I loved the review! Hope you liked this chapter!

keepondreaming16 – Well, here I am, updating. I know, it was crazy! I'm probably the only who's crazy enough to think this stuff up. Is that good, or bad? Anyway, thanks for the review!

Emerald Soccer Cat591 – Random is a good thing, right? Okay, it's only good sometimes. But this was a good time for randomness. At least I think so. Thanks for I review. I always love getting them! Hope you liked the chapter!

duj – Ah! Another great connoisseur of poems! What an honor! As you can see, no one got caught green handed. However! The identity of the author will be revealed in the last chapter, probably in the last paragraph. Yes, I am doing one for each chapter, and yes, there are four poems, but I might need to ask for some more. Thanks for the review!

Review everyone! Please!