Just like clock work, he walks in. His breath is soft and steady but, like an ear shattering scream, it seems to pierce through the silence of the room. I feel him pause and stand, slowly regarding my sleeping form. He knows I'm not asleep, but I pretend to be - if only for a few moments more. Like always, he waits patiently until I'm ready to continue; this is a play and we know our parts perfectly.
Only, something is different this time. My heart is pounding like it did the first night, and I can feel he's unnerved too. Shit, I've waited too long - but I still don't move, I'm too scared to make another move. Damn it Faye, move, I will my body to get up but it takes a few moments for it to listen.
Slowly, I slip the blanket off my body. I feel him tense a little, but he does not back away. I gracefully lift my body and delicately place my feet on the ground. Our play has transformed into a dance and, now, it is my turn to take the lead.
I look up and capture him in a steady gaze; from this point on, our stare will not break until our lips meet. His eyes confirm that something is different about tonight...but what?
'What is running through your head, Spike?'
We exchange no words as I approach - we never do. He swallows hard as I step in front of him and wait patiently for him to take the lead. About a month ago we developed a new ritual, we began to undress each other - Spike always going first. Though, for whatever reason, Spike doesn't act on impulse this time; he doesn't roughly pull me closer and kiss me with what I would call a carnal need, he is still looking at me, like he is trying to build up the courage to kiss me for the first time.
Heh.
I still remember that night like it was yesterday.
"Oh please, are you still pouting about the bounty?"
I slammed my fist onto the table. "I'm not pouting."
Spike smirked, "how silly of me to think so."
He walked over and took a seat next to me. I immediately moved over and looked the other way. Alright, maybe I was pouting...but it was not for the reason Spike thought it was. He thinks he got the bounty because he out maneuvered me. Well, once again, his logic falls short. It just so happened that when our bounty walked through the doors, I was still looking at the woman he was talking to while he waited for our man to walk through the glass doors.
Was I jealous? Possibly. I'm not sure what was running through my head as I watched him laugh at something she said. I guess I was wondering what she was saying...or maybe how it would feel to have Spike laugh at something I said...and have it not be condescending. What was so different about her anyway? Why didn't he want to sit and talk to me as he waited? ...Because we have nothing to talk about. You think after so much time living together we could actually hold a decent conversation, but after a few minutes of light talk, we always ended up arguing over something...even something as dumb as the color of the couch.
Besides, it is better this way; let him find whoever to fill the void Julia left behind. I've already risked too much even befriending the Bebop crew, anything else could prove disastrous, especially something as fickle as love. I almost laugh, what the hell was I thinking? Faye Valentine doesn't do love.
Then why am I still so mad?
"So that's how it's going to be, huh?" Spike asked after a few moments of silence. "I go through all the trouble of leaving my room, just to come keep you company, and you ignore me?"His voice is light hearted but it makes me clench my teeth in frustration.
I felt my fists clench into balls, "who said I wanted your company in the first place? Why don't you go keep the girl in the bar company huh? What? I'm the only one in the room now, so it's ok for you to talk to me?"
I knew I said far too much so I did something very characteristic of me - I stormed off.
Spike didn't follow.
When I came back to the Bebop, he was still on the couch. Was he waiting the whole time? Of course not. He probably couldn't fall asleep - he has been having trouble with that lately. I don't allow myself to pause for too long; I don't want to give him the chance to stop me. Keeping my gaze pointed forward, I continue to my room, only, I'm not the only one headed in that direction.
My heart pounds faster with each step, why the hell is he following me? Don't let it get to you Faye, he just wants to pick a fight, just keep walking. He doesn't care that he hurt you; he's too wrapped up in himself to care about you. Don't believe anything else, keep the distance between the two of you - you have to keep the distance between the two of you.
I quickly turn around as I walk through my door, holding out my hand as I do so. Spike almost falls as he tries to stop before he runs into me.
"What do you want Spike?"
"What did you mean earlier? About the girl?" He asks, almost sounding...hurt?
Don't let him get to you.
I have to fight to keep myself from blushing in front on him. No way in hell does he deserve to see me blush. "Nothing. Just, get out. Go bother Jet, I'm sure he'd love the company."
"Faye." he says as he steps closer. His voice is soft, nothing like I've heard before.
He doesn't care about you.
"I'm warning you cowboy."
Keep the distance between the two of you.
Before I can say anything more Spike moves and I'm too shocked to react.
His lips are hard against mine.
It means nothing.
His hands waste no time on gentle caresses.
It's only a release of frustration.
He leads me to the bed and takes me.
Oh God, he's broken me.
When we finish, I turn over and pull my blanket over my body.
I can't face him -I'm too ashamed. I degraded myself and for what? For a Saturday of meaningless sex? What did I do?
The room is silent save for the sound of our heavy breathing - when did it begin feeling so awkward? I want to turn over and look at him but I can't. I know it meant nothing and I don't trust my voice to hide my pain.
What can I say anyway?
'Thanks for the good time?'
Why the hell is he still here?
As though he can read my mind, he begins to move. No words leave him as he slowly gets dressed and walks out of my room. Why the hell do I feel so betrayed? Couldn't he have said good night? Is he thinking the same thing about me?
And that is exactly how our 'relationship' continued. He would come into my room and I wouldn't deny him anything. I never went to him though - not once did I make it seem like I was the one that needed him..
I never gave him that satisfaction.
Suddenly, Spike's hand begins to move. He brings it up to my face and gently captures my chin. My eyes grow wide and he falters but he doesn't let go. Not waiting for another reaction, he slowly brings his lips down to meet mine.
I freeze.
He's kissing me...his lips are so soft...so warm...I want so badly to get lost in them...
No...this isn't how we play the game.
After receiving no response from me, he stops. He regards me with curious eyes but doesn't pull away. I can still feel his heart beat on my chest, it is beginning to pound quicker with each passing moment. Is he scared?
"Do you want me to go?" He asks after a beat. His grip on me loosens up, his confidence is slipping.
I try to say something but the words get stuck in my throat. Spike has changed all the rules and I'm caught completely off guard. I hate him. I hate him for making me drop my guard and then pulling a stunt like this. I'm not supposed to be this weak. I always said emotions for others were pointless, and this is illustrating a perfect example of why.
Emotions make you weak, they make you easy to fool. If you want to survive in this world, you can't be weak. He is silently asking me to give myself to him, well, Spike, you can't always get what you want - the same goes for me.
I can't give myself to you. Please, please understand that.
Caring about people makes you weak.
I'm scared...so scared.
It will only cause complications in the end.
I'm not used to caring about anyone, if I could, I would throw you out of my heart, but I can't, so I'll have to pretend to not want this from you.
You end up worrying about things you shouldn't.
Walk away Spike...please walk away. Save me by hurting me.
He lets go of me and breaks our gaze. I rejected what he offered.
He leaves, defeated, and I break down.
This might continue for a few more chapters?
I'm still tryng to decide how I feel about this piece.