Dear God,

If I dye my hair the right color and buy the right underwear, will I be perfect like Julia?

He likes to keep himself disconnected with most of the people around him. Sometimes, it feels as though he prides himself on keeping such a mysterious facade; the unnamed hero killing the bad guy then walking away leaving everyone wondering what's his name and what he's about in the morning. Only, he's no hero. He's the guy that's out for himself and occasionally, does something good for others.

Does that sound harsh? I suppose it is.

There's much more to him than that. So why is that what he wants others to see? Why can't he accept credit for the good deeds he has done and stop punishing himself for the bad he did in the past?

I still don't know him well enough to answer that.

But I know him more than he thinks I do - or more than he lets on that he knows, in which case my theory would be thrown completely out the window - in the words of Jet, "just another episode in wasting time with Faye." Something inside me tells me the latter is not the case. Spike wouldn't waste time on a woman who was too simple minded to figure a part of him out. Or maybe I am stuck in some arrogant fantasy which makes me special.

I have to admit that I can get a little arrogant when it comes to Spike. Unlike most people, I know him - at least, as much as anyone can know him. A sense of pride always fills me when I walk into a building with Spike at my side. He's an attractive man and it's no surprise that women tend to take notice of him when he enters a room. It's also no surprise that their eyes tend to stray to me, questioning who is that woman next to him. Unlike them, I have a history with this fellow, I am connected with him in a way none of them are and most likely, never will be.

I have what they want.

I am different.

...except for her.

I am no one when it comes to her.

She stole everything I could ever have before she could cast a gaze in my direction.

How can I hate someone I don't know?

It seems to come naturally when it deals with her.

So many of my days have been wasted away, watching him think of her. Jet probably assumes that he's just wallowing in his boredom but I know he is thinking of her. His eyes become distant when he thinks about her. Spike leaves the present and goes back in the past where I do not exist. He leaves me to go to her and while I will fight it as much as I can, it kills me.

He always chooses her over me.

He always has.

...that's why I moved away. That's why I rejected what he offered. Because the moment Julia comes back into his life, he will forget me and move on with her. She has been his treasure for years now, he will not turn his back on it because he found some bronze along the way.

This is not something that is new. I've been living on the outskirts of happiness for years now. It's close enough to reach over and touch, but there is always a blockade disabling me from getting a firm grasp. Part of it is how I present myself. I know how I come off to people. Men may want me and some woman might want my body, but it's a purely physical want. No one is interested in what I have to say. Why would they? I'm just Faye Valentine, something to be used. And I play the part so well.

It's not like I was a challenge. He probably laughed at how easy the task was. Maybe he was expecting a good fight, something to work for...and I just gave in. I gave in because I needed him. I needed him to look at me, and to feel his lips against mine...to feel his body pressing against mine...and to hear him whisper my name.

He is everything to me.

Why can't I be everything for him?

It all goes back to her again.

Julia must be one class act. She has to be if she caught Spike's heart. I bet she has smooth skin and a soft voice. Her gaze is probably captivating - something that demands everyone's attention. She's probably more sophisticated than me, more articulate and selfless... she's probably everything I'm not.

And she has something I never will.

I bet he listens to her attentively when she speaks. When she sings, I bet he smiles instead of frowning as he does with me. He probably has no problem going out with her and spending the day doing nothing, even though he complains about being bored when he is around me. He'd never take me up on going for a walk around a lake or seeing a stupid movie we can barely afford.

He'd probably just laugh at my request then make some joke and walk away.

But...that night...it felt so...real.

He was looking at me, not at Julia. Spike was looking into my eyes and expressing a need for me. Maybe he needs me like I need him. If so, why does he keep playing these games? He has to know they will push me away...

I jump off the counter and head for the living room - a decision has to be made. Games can only last so long before they get old and this one has definitely gotten old. What do I expect by confronting him? The hell if I know. Maybe some peace of mind. Maybe a few weeks of pain and then some peace of mind. Maybe nothing at all.

In any case, we can't go on avoiding each other. If this was a mistake, then it was a mistake. We'll leave it at that and go our separate ways. I'll be hurt for a couple of days and things can return back to normal. A mistake can't ruin everything that we have. It can't ruin the way the Bebop functions. If Spike refuses me, I'll have to pretend that it's ok.

I'm good at playing parts; I can play any role. This will be like all the other times before...

"What's the deal, lunkhead?"

There is a long pause before he answers. He's not thinking of what to say, or even finding the courage to have this conversation. He's not giving me the time of day - we're back to that routine are we? "Don't worry about it, Faye."

Well, when he puts it like that...

"How can you tell me not to worry about it?"

Spike gets up. He doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Too bad cowboy, you're not walking away from this one. "Just drop it Faye. This doesn't have to become difficult, alright. Don't let one fuck up make things awkward. You're not supposed to be complicated."

So that's how it is. My face must have shown some hint of my pain because his stern gaze falters. But, just like Spike, my mask returns and I am facing him down. "So, that's it? That's what this is. It's not complicated?"

"F- what else can it be, Faye?"

It could be something more. It could have been the start of something that might have made us happy. What the hell was I thinking? Why did I listen to my heart and not my head. I faltered and now, he's going to shatter me. There was no point in questioning his actions; it was just alcohol deciding to play another trick on me.

...that couldn't have been it.

"I guess that's it then." I say.

His eyes grow wide and he looks away.

Stand behind your words, Spike. I am sick of this state of confusion. Pick your path and stick to it, stop wandering into the woods and losing your way. I understand that it's a difficult decision but you need to acknowledge that your decision affects other people. You string me along then give me hope...only to tell me that it was a mistake and nothing more.

I can't take this anymore.

There is only one solution to end this. He has to choose. I pull at the hem of my shirt and shake my head. I can't make him do that. If I make him choose then I will be left behind.

I can't be left behind.

Why can't you want me, Spike?

Why do I care?

It doesn't matter. He's made a decision and it's not me.

I turn around but his arm grabs my shoulder. For a second, I stand there, debating whether I should turn or not. If I continue walking, everything will come to an end. He'll let me go and that will be the end of our story. I don't know what I'll see if I turn around. The uncertainty scares me.

Spike stopped me. He didn't let me go. He doesn't want things to end...

Before I can turn around, he lets go. I don't react. Why can't I ever react in time? I hear him sigh then start walking away. Is it my turn to stop him? Should I go after him?

But he's gone and my chance is lost.

Confusion will still walk beside me and emptiness will still rock me to sleep...he'll return tomorrow night and I'll accept him - both wishing that I was her...Spike's Julia.

...just another Saturday as usual.