A LIFETIME AWAY

CJ stopped at the coffee machine and poured a cup; thick, black. It was the best peace offering she could come up with, short of a cigar. She headed to Toby's office and sighed when she saw the closed door. "Well that's a great sign," she thought. Tapping softly, she let herself in.

Toby was sat on his couch, elbow on knee, hand propping up his head, rubbing his finger on the top of his head. He didn't look up, just glanced out the corner of his eye to see who it was. CJ sat down at the other end of the couch, placing the cup on the table in front of him. He gave a small sigh of acknowledgement, understanding her gesture.

"Toby…" she said gently. He dropped his hand, but sat still. She tried again. "She was in the park this morning. I don't know which of us she came for, but I guess I got there first."

He lifted his head and looked at her, dark eyes heavy with unspoken emotion. "I think it's safe to say it was you she came to see, not me" he said gruffly.

"It was a bit of a shock. I hadn't seen her since the funeral…"

"No. That makes two of us. Three of us, actually", he replied, reaching for the coffee she had brought him, warming his hands round the cup; it's symbol and presence more important to him right now than it's contents.

"I was going to tell you...I just wanted some answers first,"

"And?" His voice was still gruff, not masking the anger she could feel bubbling in his system.

"I don't have any yet. We didn't get that far. She's barely clothed, shoeless and about half the weight she should be." She paused, trying to gauge the effect this information had on him. He didn't flicker. She pressed on. "She has a big bruise on her neck, at least a couple of weeks old. Her arms are marked, but they're much older than the one on her neck. She hasn't eaten in three days and seems to have reverted to her previous food issues."

He closed his eyes now, she knew she was getting through to him and, though she felt bad for him, she knew she had to tell him everything. "She couldn't even hold a cup of tea without shaking; I had to feed it to her. She couldn't keep it down for two minutes; she was sick before it even did her any good."

He finally looked at her. "She was sick?"

"Yes."

"Did she – "

"Yes. That much at least hasn't changed."

"She always did."

"I know. I remember. I held her often enough. Toby…this is all she had on her..." CJ handed him the photograph.

Putting the cup down he took it from her gently. A memory, familiar yet a lifetime away.

"Toby?" she asked

"It was taken on her graduation day. She hadn't wanted to go...didn't want the fuss." He handed the photo back to CJ. She looked closely at it. Jilly was smiling happily in the photo and, for a change so was Toby, his arm round her shoulder.

"We spent weeks talking her into it, we knew she had to do it for the sake of her own self-worth. She was top-marked every year but it wasn't enough for her. Didn't matter who told her how smart she was, how brilliant…she never believed us. Not even me."

"She worshipped the ground you walked on."

He smiled slightly. "She wanted to be like you. She told me, one night. I'd gone up, she was upset about…I dunno, something. She said 'I want to do what Ceej does.' I thought she meant career-wise; but she didn't mean that. She said 'I want to light up a room when I walk into it. I want to have people drawn to me like she does. To matter to people.' She couldn't see that she already did. She had such an enormous capacity for love. How could you not love her in return? We all did. Her family. Me. You." His frustration was palpable now.

"So what made you all stop loving her, Toby?"

Instantly, his emotions were sealed up again. "Leave it" he said gruff again.

"Toby, how can I? She vanished from my life once; I'm not going to let it happen again. Something's really wrong Remember how happy we all were? I want that back" CJ said, anger rising at his attitude. "Look at the photo again Toby...tell me what you see. Say it!" she spoke harshly, pushing him to answer.

"God CJ, its just a photo, we've seen hundreds" Wearily he looked at his friend, knowing she was as thrown by these events as he was, and moved towards her to look at the photo. "Her mother took this one" he said, quieter now. "She spent ages looking for some rose bushes for a backdrop, for some reason. Insisted she take all the photos. The four of us, smiling and laughing, trying to get the cap to stay on her head..." He stops, realising what CJ meant. He looked at her with tears in his eyes. "We had a copy of this photo in the house. It was Andi's favourite." They looked back at the photo together. Toby, smiling, arm thrown around Jilly's shoulder, Jilly smiling happily, with Andi on her other side, arm around her waist, heads together. Toby touched the photo, caressing Jilly's face, then Andi's, and ran his finger along the feathered edge. "She's torn her father off the photo. He was standing next to Andi." He sighed, letting go of the photo and rubbing a hand over his eyes.

"Yeah. I know. Andi sent me a copy of it too." She said, watching him. She placed a hand on his arm in comfort; this man that she'd known forever, far longer than the others, a relationship far more complex than that with Josh or Sam. She wanted to put her arms round him and comfort him, just as she had done to Jilly, but knew he couldn't cope with it. So she softly rubbed his back, not speaking, giving him the time he needed with his thoughts. "I'd forgotten how alike they are. In your office, for a moment…I thought… It was the long hair…Jilly's was always short...Funny that she's grown it. The same fabulous colour too. Also, that's my cardigan she's wearing." he said softly.

"Toby, you have to call her. Has she not seen her since the funeral either?" CJ asked, still caressing him, calming him with her touch.

"No, she hasn't. What can I say, CJ? Hi Andi, just thought you should know, I know you haven't spoken for years but guess who's sat in CJ's office?" he sighed.

She didn't respond, knew he didn't need to hear a reply. They sat quietly for a minute, the tension and emotion slipping away. CJ heard footsteps down the hall, and prayed it wasn't Josh in his usual jovial humour, knowing Toby would probably throw something at him in his present mood. She turned her head as the door quietly opened and saw Carol. She released Toby's arm with a quick squeeze, and followed her out the room.

"You better come quick...there's a problem"