(Jackie runs up it and up to the back door sobbing. HYDE follows her)
HYDE: Jackie! Jackie wait! Jackie please listen to me!!
(Jackie stops at the door and starts speaking to it)
Jackie: No Stephen, I guess you were right. We are over, because I don't think I can ever forgive you for this. And apparently you don't want me. So I suggest going back to the Forman's and being with your wife.
(After this is said she runs into the house and slams the door. You can hear her crying on the other side. Hyde runs his hands through his hair and glances at the door)
HYDE: as…you…wish…
(Hyde leaves)
FORMAN KITCHEN
Hyde is sitting at the table; Red is standing at the counter having a coffee. Kitty is preparing food
HYDE: Oh my God, what did I do...
RED (cheerful): You married a Las Vegas stripper. Congratulations. With Eric gone, you're the town dumbass!
KITTY: Steven, how could you get married and not remember? It's not like forgetting where you left your keys or where you parked your car or your tenth anniversary...
RED: Kitty that was thirteen years ago!
KITTY: Fifteen.
RED: Has it been that long?
HYDE: I don't know what happened, I mean, Samantha and I hung out for three weeks, and then one night we got really drunk and I remember waking up with a killer hangover, thinking I better get out of Vegas before I'd do something stupid (Red and Kitty look at him) So close!
Sam comes into the kitchen
SAM: Here are some pictures of our wedding (she hands them to Kitty) We found this beautiful little chapel called "Weddings and Waffles".
HYDE: We got married by an Elvis impersonator?!
KITTY: Oeh and look at his name! Elvis Priestly. Isn't that clever?
RED: Wow, that must have been some wedding. It's not too often that you see the bride jump out of her own cake.
HYDE: Oh man, it's starting to come back to me. I remember seeing a cross and an altar. But I thought I was having that Excorcist-dream again.
Kelso comes bursting in
KELSO: WHERE'S THE STRIPPER??? (he sees Sam) THERE SHE IS! THERE IS A STRIPPER IN THE KITCHEN! AM I YELLING? I CAN'T HELP IT! OOOOOOH HYDE YOU MARRIED A STRIPPER I LOVE YOU SOOOOOO MUCH (he hugs Hyde)
SAM: You must be Kelso. I'm Samantha Hyde (she shakes his hand)
HYDE: Oh my God, you took my name?!
KITTY: Oh Steven, you look like you're about to throw up! (she gets up) Here, use Eric's 'whoopsie' basin. Aim for the Snoopy.
HYDE: I got the get out of here. I'm gonna go to the record store.
KITTY: Maybe you better go find Jackie…
HYDE: She doesn't want to talk to me….Trust me…I just gotta get out of here man!!!
KELSO: Well Hyde, you're freakin' out man. You married a stripper! You're living every guys dream! Well not my dream, my dream is always the same, monkey gives me the finger and flaps his lips at me and takes off with my clothes. Trust me, you don't wanna live that dream.
Hyde leaves, Kelso also leaves and waves at Sam
THE RECORD STORE
Kelso and Hyde walk up to the store and discover it's closed
HYDE: What's the store doing closed in the middle of the day?
KELSO: Maybe it's Rosh Hashanah.
Hyde opens the door and walk into a hippy-fest
LEO: Hey dude, pull up a pillow.
HYDE: Leo, what the hell did you do with my record store?
LEO: Record store? You know now that you mention it, this place would make an awesome record store.
HYDE: I left you in charge and you turned my store into a hippy den for your stoner friends?!
LEO: That's not true man. I don't know any of these people.
HYDE: Leo, I'm not in the mood for this today. Just get these people out of here alright. I'll be in my office (he walks to the back, then turns around) Leo there is an ORGY in my office! I can't the boys from the girls it's hair everywhere!
Leo walks to the back, takes his vest of and dives in
KELSO: Man. This is no way to spend Rosh Hashanah.
FORMAN BASEMENT
Donna is sitting on the washer, Fez is standing next to her
DONNA: I can't believe Hyde. I mean he completely broke Jackie's heart. Who just goes and marries a stripper?
FEZ: What are you, dense? Anybody who can, that who.
Jackie comes in
JACKIE: Okay, get dressed. We're going out. But it doesn't really matter what you wear, because everyone is gonna be looking at me. But don't wear that.
DONNA: Wow Jackie. After everything you've been through with Hyde, you come here and insult me?! You're all better! (they hug)
JACKIE: Well I'm not gonna sit around moping. I'm gonna do what every woman does when they hit rock bottom.
FEZ: You're going to have sex with me?!
JACKIE: No. I'm going to go out and meet some boys, and crush their hearts one by one.
(Glares evilly at FEZ)
Jackie: Hey Fez…come here…
(Fez goes over. Jackie pinches him hard. Fez screams)
FEZ: You BITCH!!!!! YOU WHORE!!!!!!
(Sam comes downstairs)
SAM: You called???
JACKIE: ooooo, this is gunna be way to easy
(Sam leaves)
FEZ: You know Donna, Eric is in Africa. Must be close to hitting rock bottom...
DONNA: Not really.
FEZ: How long has a boy have to wait before one of floosies hits rock bottom?
FORMAN KITCHENSam is painting her toenails on the kitchen table. Kitty comes in
KITTY: Oh. Samantha. You're painting your toes in the kitchen. That's funny because I was just making meatloaf in the bathroom.
SAM: Sorry. Hyde told me how much he likes painted toes. He told me some other things that he liked but I said: Hey I'm a stripper not a contortionist.
KITTY: Well isn't that just more then a mother wants to hear. Okay so, I'm curious. What is your act like? Do you sing?
SAM: No I just dance.
KITTY: Oh. Well when I was younger, I took tap. Do you do tap?
SAM: No funny that you should mention it, I strip to taps!
KITTY: You mean the song they play when an army man dies?!
SAM: Yeah. It's my tribute to our armed forces. I wave the American flag and then for the big finish, I give a salute and the I smack my fanny (she smacks her fanny just as Red comes into the kitchen)
RED: Sorry I...
SAM: No I'm sorry. This thing has a mind of it's own (she walks off)
KITTY: Red, I'm not sure how I feel about having a stripper stay in our home. It's, what's the word, an abomination!
RED: I don't think Steven even knew what he was doing when he married her. It sounds like he was as schnockered as you were on St. Patricks Day.
KITTY: Okay well that green punch sneaks right up on you! I think Steven has made a huge mistake.
RED: But what are we gonna do? Kick Sam out? And tell the Loud one to come live with us???
KITTY: Oh we will do no such thing. You will! And then when they get married Stephen and Jackie will thank us. OOOOOOO!!! Maybe they will name their kids Kitty and RED!!!!!
(Bounces with glee)
RED: Oh fine. But the next time you hit a deer, you're the one putting it out of it's misery with it's tyre iron!
THE RECORD STORE
The last hippy leaves and Kelso shits the door behind him
KELSO: Well well, another day in the life of Point Place police officer. I just confiscated a whole box of lighters, paraphernalia and illegal substances...
HYDE: Nice work officer. Now we're hooked up for two months.
KELSO: So...what do we do now...
HYDE: Man I think I have to fire Leo. He almost put me out of business. Just wish there was a good way to do it...
HYDE's OFFICE – THE CIRCLE
HYDE: Ahhh. This is definitely gooder. Gooder? Yeah that's a word. Pfff, Leo, I left you in charge of the store and you let me down man. So I'm sorry to have to say (he starts to laugh) you're fired man!
LEO (laughing): I think the word you're looking for is 'fried' man...
HYDE: No no man I mean you're fired.
LEO: That's even funnier man! And I totally deserve it.
KELSO: Yeah and you're under arrest too! (he shows a pair of handcuffs)
LEO: What?!
KELSO: I'm just kidding. These handcuffs don't even work, look...(he puts them on his own hands)...wait, these are the ones that DO work...
Randy joins the circle
RANDY: Hey, I saw this Help Wanted sign outside. You still looking?
HYDE: Errrrr, Leo were you trying to hire somebody?
LEO: You know yesterday I was having a hard time opening up a jar of pickles so I put the Help Wanted sign up. Too late man, I found something else to eat.
KELSO (trying to open a jar of pickles): Why do they make the lid so tight? It's just pickles!
RANDY: So you're not hiring? That's a bummer. Cause I gotta say, if this is your idea of a staff meeting, I'd work my butt off!
HYDE: What the hell man, I'm in a giving mood right now. You can have the job and do all the work that Leo wasn't doing. And Leo I can't fire you man. You're too awesome. New guy, you're hired. Leo you're not fired, jobs for everyone. Well that was hard but it had to be done.
KELSO: Hey im bored….Lets go to a club
HYDE: Alright!! New guy watch the store! Leo….watch the stash!
(Hyde and Kelso leave. Hyde comes back)
HYDE: I'm only joking
(takes the stash from Leo and walks out again)
AT A CLUB
Donna and Fez are sitting at a table, Jackie takes off her coat
DONNA: Wow Jackie, that is quite an outfit. Does it come with a pimp?
JACKIE: Donna, this is my man-catcher dress! It is scientifically designed to make men want me, while at the same time knowing they could never really have me.
FEZ: Oh everyone loves a tease...
JACKIE (looking at a man at the bar): Oh he is cute and smiling! I'm gonna go and make him wish he was dead! (she gets up and walks to the bar)
MAN: Can I ask you a question?
JACKIE: Yes, I'm available. But not to you! HA! BURN! Oh my God that was so much fun, I wanna do another one!
MAN: Actually I just wanted to know your hot blond friends name...
JACKIE: Oh I don't have a hot blond friend. I'm just here with Fez and Donna.
MAN: Donna? Thanks! (he gets up)
JACKIE: Wait, wait, what, you like Donna?! She reads books for fun!
MAN (to Donna): Hi, I'm Mark. Wow, you have one of the prettiest smiles I've ever seen.
FEZ: Oh thank you! Well the secret is to brush with baking soda!
MARK: Actually I was talking to Donna. Wow, you are just gorgeous.
DONNA: Really?
MARK: Yeah you know Donna means 'lady' in Italian. And Belladonna means 'fine lady' , and you, you are definitely one fine lady.
DONNA: What's Italian for 'keep going'?
MARK: Wanna play a little pool?
DONNA: Oh I'm sorry I can't. I have a boyfriend. He's in Africa.
MARK: Well he is just missing out on how beautiful you look. La mia fiora bella.
DONNA (flattered): Italian! (she gets up to play pool with Mark)
JACKIE: Can you believe that?!
FEZ: Ah don't worry. You still got me.
A woman walks up to Fez
KIM: Hi, I'm Kim. Dance with me.
FEZ (to Jackie): So long lame-o! (he gets up and leaves)
AT THE CLUB
Kelso and Hyde are sitting at the table at the club, not noticing Jackie, Fez, or Donna)
KELSO: Man, look at all these chicks….and they all want me!!!!Woooo!! Look at that one. And that one. And that one…
(Hyde just keeps drinking his beer)
KELSO: hey..umm….Hyde, don't you think you should ease up on the drinking? That's not gunna bring Jackie back, its sorta the thing that pulled you apart.
HYDE: no Dummy, you are the thing that pulled us apart.
KELSO: Man as much as I want you to think Jackie and I were gunna do it…(he sighs) Look…she was lonely and asked me to stay the night…she told me to get some ice while she was in the shower. I thought to cheer her up she would want to see my beautalishis bod, so I was gunna join her as a surprise. She must have got out quicker than I expected because by the time I came back, you were there.
(Hyde looks up at him, clearly pissed)
HYDE: So you mean, I just broke the heart of the Girl I was willing to spend the rest of my life with again. And this time for nothing!! Because you're a DUMBASS!!!!!!??!?!??!??!
(Kelso starts to laugh)
KELSO: YEA!!!!!!!BURN!!!!!!!!!!!
(Hyde takes off his glasses)
HYDE: You better run Kelso!
(Kelso starts running. Hyde sits back and silently fumes with his beer)
Forman KitchenSam is sitting at the table reading a Playboy. Kitty comes in
KITTY: Oh Samantha. You're here. Did Red talk to you by any chance?
SAM: Mr. Forman? No. Why?
KITTY: Oh. Well. Uhhm. "What's that? Be right there Eric!" (she leaves)
THE NIGHTCLUB
Fez and Kim are talking at the bar
KIM: Then my psychiatrist said the reason I always want sex is because I never got approval from my parents so I'm trying to find it somewhere else. Do you think he's right?
FEZ: Dear God I hope so!
Jackie gets up from her table and walks up to Fez and Kim
JACKIE (drunk and shouting): Who does that guy think he is rejecting me like that?! I am the hottest girl here! Right Fez?
FEZ: Nah.
(Hyde looks up from his Beer and notices Jackie. He gets up and starts towards her)
JACKIE (walking off): Hey you! Mark is it? Yeah. I don't know where you're from. But I'll have you know, I am the catch of Point Place.
DONNA: That's true. That's how she signed my yearbook.
(Mark and Donna walk away. Hyde comes up to Jackie)
HYDE: Look Jackie we need to talk…
JACKIE: NOT NOW PUDDIN'POP!! Ah come back here! Nobody ignores Jerky Backhart! I am adorable! I am engaging and I'm DAMN likeable. And if you're too stupid to see that, then I feel sorry for you! (Turns to Hyde) AND YOU!!!! What more could you possible say to me?! OH JACKIE!!!!! I LOVE MAKING HOT SEX TO MY WHORE WIFE WHO ANSWERS TO WHORE!!!!!(Pushes Hyde) I HATE YOU!!!! (Starts to cry) I hate you, why are you doing this to me!??!?!!?!?
HYDE: Doll…stop making a scene
JACKIE: I am not making a scene!!!! But I should be!!!(her dress slips off her shoulder) Cause if anyone should be the center of attention here, it's me.
DONNA (rushing to her to tell her her boob is exposed): Jackie! (she tries to cover Jackie up)
HYDE: Jacks!! ( covers her up)
JACKIE: Get off me! (Donna whispers something in her ear) What the hell is a "boobs out"? (she looks down) AAARRGGHHHH!!!! (And runs off to the ladies room and Hyde Follows)
FEZ (to Kim): Okay, your turn!
FORMAN BASEMENT
Sam is unpacking, Red comes down the stairs
RED: Ah Samantha, there you are, good.
SAM: Hi Mr. Forman. I was just unpacking. Aren't these cute? (She holds up a pair of very tiny red panties) I mean you can't tell like this. You have to picture them like this (she holds them where panties are supposed to go) plus they hold dollar bills better then anything I own.
RED: I'm going upstairs to find you a wallet! (He runs off)
LADIES ROOM AT CLUB
(Jackie has barricaded herself in a stall)
HYDE: Jackie come out please?
JACKIE: NO!!!!! I mean my god Stephen!!!! I' m a Laughing stock!!! Now no one will ever want me!! I'm just a nobody!!!! Nobody loves me….I mean no one even wants me around!! I just want to die!!! I should just kill myself…no one would ever care!!!
(Hyde sighs)
HYDE: I would care…I would care a lot. Jackie please come out…I need to tell you something, and I don't want to tell it to a bathroom stall.
(Slowly the stall door opens and a very red-eyed Jackie comes out)
JACKIE: Yes?
HYDE: Look doll…I messed up again…and I lied.
JACKIE: What did you lie about?
HYDE: When I told you it was over…I lied. I can't be over, it just can't. Not when I still love you so much.
JACKIE: Oh My God, Stephen that's so sweet.
(Jackie and Hyde hug then kiss. All of a sudden Jackie slaps Hyde across the face.)
JACKIE: But if you think you're forgiven you have another thing coming. I mean, MY GOD…YOUR MARRIED TO A WHORE!!!!
(Hyde pulls her close)
HYDE: Don't worry I'll take care of that. Just as long as you stay mine
JACKIE: Okay, I'll be yours…wait…did you sleep with her???
HYDE: After you? Nah….I could tell she wasn't very flexible.
JACKIE: oh…Stephen…
(They kiss)
FORMAN KITCHEN
Hyde and Sam are talking
HYDE: Look Sam, we need to talk.
SAM (getting Hyde a beer): Sure about what?
HYDE: About you staying here…. I don't think you should. And also about being married.
SAM: What about it babe?
HYDE: I don't think we should stay this way. Look, Sam, You're a great chick, but
(He sighs)
HYDE: Remember how I told you about that Girl I was dating?
SAM: Yea, you wanted to marry her but she slept with your best friend
HYDE: well, that didn't happen. And she and I talked and we are gonna stay together. I'm sorry but I love her and I only want to be with her. She's my chick.
SAM: Okay, if you think so. I think you're right. I mean, being married was cutting way into my work schedule.
Kitty and Red come in
KITTY: Oh good. You're both here. We want to talk to you about your marriage.
RED: Steven, I've come to think of you as a son, and so I want to give you some honest, heartfelt advise. Get your head out of your ass. You two barely know each other.
KITTY: Not to mention that I saw a TV movie where someone like you moved in and killed the whole family. Steven honey, if this isn't what you want, you should say so now.
SAM: Actually Hyde and I were just talking and we decided it would be for the best if I just left. I'll pack up my things and leave tonight.
HYDE: Yep. I mean…really, me? Married? It's laughable!
RED: Well Sam, It was nice knowing you!
KITTY (looking from Red to Sam): Oh she's leaving. Well I guess I'll go take away that place that was extra at the table…(she leaves. When she's gone you can hear her)
KITTY: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kelso comes in, with his right arm handcuffed to his left leg
KELSO: You're never going to believe this! I drove here this way.
THE NIGHTCLUBFez is talking to Kim
FEZ: I'm sorry about my friend; she's a little prudish. She's not as free with her body as I hope you will be.
Mark comes up to Kim and kisses her
MARK: Ready to go baby?
FEZ: Hey buddy, the only guy she is leaving with is me! (To Kim) Unless you just wanna do it in the bathroom, then we can leave separately.
KIM: Fez, there is something I need to tell you. Mark and I are married.
FEZ: What?
MARK: Yeah we come here every weekend and watch each other hit on strangers. It makes for some ultra hot action when we get back home!
DONNA: Wait, yeah Eric and I tried that once. I got three phone numbers and he got the high score on Space Invaders.
FEZ: Wait, you do this every weekend?! You shower some poor loser with affection and then toss him aside when you're done?!
KIM: Yeah.
FEZ: See you next weekend...
FORMAN BASEMENT
Hyde, Kelso and Donna are playing cards
HYDE: I gotta say, Sam was pretty cool.
DONNA: Yeah?
HYDE: Yeah yesterday for no reason at all, she grabbed a beer out of the fridge and just like gave it to me. I mean what is that all about?
DONNA: Well she seemed nice, but now maybe things won't be so awkward.
HYDE: I Guess….Hey you guys mind leaving Jackie is gunna be here soon.
DONNA: oh!! How Cute!!!!! HYDE LOVES JACKIE!!!!!!
HYDE: Get Bent!!!
Jackie comes in
JACKIE: Uhm Steven? I just wanna let you know that even though we are back together, that doesn't mean that you get to do all the stuff to me you used to do. You can't get away with out any punishment. So you are on Probation
HYDE: Damn…. Cant you just like spank me…. with a whip???
FEZ: Hey!!! That's sounds Kinky!!! Can I Join???
JACKIE: Steven, I love you, but your in trouble…. got it!
HYDE: Fine (He pouts a bit)
KELSO: Man Hyde!!!! You are so whipped!!!
HYDE: No, I'm not! (Frogs Kelso)
JACKIE: Yes, yes you are
KELSO: Hear that Hyde? I know who wears the pants in that relationship!!!
THE NIGHTCLUB
Fez and Kim are talking at the bar
KIM: So I was thinking about you all week, how cute and flustered you looked when I kissed you. I really liked that.
FEZ: Yess..me too...(they kiss, and Mark is watching) You know what, this is too creepy. Even for me. Enjoy your sick lives together (he leaves, Mark and Kim start to kiss, Fez comes back) You know, sorry about that, I don't even know what that was about. Where were we?
Sorry about not putting it up sooner, it just that they wouldn't let me upload it!!!!! GRRRRRRR!!!!