Notes: I have been rendered speechless. Temporarily. Don't think this will stop me from putting 'notes' up here in the future.

Betafied: by Danielle.
I loveth Danielle and Alice -caw!-

Unspoken Temptations

Angel was still having trouble keeping his thoughts and actions collected. The drug was perhaps an equivalent (or possibly an alternative) to getting drunk. Everything seemed to blur together and, unfortunately for him, that included the suggestions wrought about by his less soulful side. He had insisted that Buffy leave twice, and she made it quite clear that she was planted firmly on the spot. She would not be going anywhere in the near future. The way she had suggested that they would get through it together, however, that was a word Angel decided he better not start getting used to- as much as he wanted to.

Everything had to be so damned complicated, it was no wonder that Wolfram & Hart had succeeded in running the vampire in circles out of madness. There was only so much one could take before they tipped off the edge. Now, perhaps, Wolfram & Hart had discovered the significance of the blonde slayer. Were they going to use that knowledge against him now as well? If that became the case, he was sure he wouldn't be able to bear it. Not anymore, not now. He had been to the edge, walked that fine line between humanity and losing himself completely, just last year actually. To think that firing and turning his back on all of his friends was the least of his worries at one point, now he spent more time just attempting to mend those precious ties he had severed. The ones with his family- his friends. They would never be the same again, some things you just can't fix- some voids you simply cannot fill. An unfortunate thing to be thinking about at a time like this, indeed. Angel sadly had a serious lack of a social life. One would think that with over two-hundred years of experience under one's belt, they would somehow formulate a few strong and lasting friendships... yet somehow he had failed to manage even that much.

Failure.

The word seems all the more stronger when it stands out all alone, isolated, in the back of the mind. Just as he chose to keep himself... receding into the shadows, the darkness... in complete isolation from the rest of the world. He had something in common with the derogatory title of failure. He was one in the same. Not because he was afraid or ashamed, but because he didn't fit in... he never would. It was quite the opposite, actually. It was in not fitting in that his life was parallel to that simple word. A vampire wasn't meant to have a soul, and for him, it was impossible to walk in both worlds. He had found that out soon enough. Therefore, Angel had chosen to live in his own and fight in the other.

Angel sighed heavily after a few long moments of contemplation. He was unable to explain his actions in the past few years since he had left her in Sunnydale. No mystical ether that could give him the strength he needed to spill all of his true feelings, and no possible way that he could explain to her the instances that had just played themselves out in his head. He was then compelled to remember exactly what it was that he had given up. All of this, everything- it could be summed up within one simple word. Failure. He would keep reminding himself of that, (even in the future when he will stand helpless as his son is stolen away from him). A helpless failure... with no power to change anything. He had failed her by attempting to open a portal that would suck the entire world into the unforgiving jaws of an untold Hell. He had failed to rescue her from not only her first death, but to be there to prevent the second. When she had stood there, waiting for him to show up those long lonely nights of summer, he had instead been hitting the bars in Los Angeles- drinking all he could handle just to try to forget the feel of her touch, the taste of her blood. None of it worked, for he had even failed himself.

When in Los Angeles, managing to find friendship in the most unlikely places through a half-demon by the name of Doyle, Angel realized that he had also failed that man as well. Perhaps the mocking hallucination was right after all, maybe he did still feel guilt for the Irishman's death. All of these thoughts led him back to square one. He had not only given up humanity once, the time he remembered that she didn't- but twice. He had twice denied the one thing that would make Buffy just about the happiest being on earth... or so he thought. The second time... or perhaps more confusingly it may have been the first, Angel still wasn't quite clear on the details, he had given everything up. He had surrendered it all and it was as if none of it existed- the lives they had created were... meaningless. Once more, the word he found himself relating to was a not-so-friendly 'F' word. "I failed you... and I'm sorry for that."

"Don't say that!" Buffy countered without hesitation. If there was one thing she knew, Angel definitely was far from a failure. "That's not true," she whispered towards the end at an attempt to counter his preposterous assumptions.

She had no idea what he'd been through, what he had done, the choices he'd made... without her... she was in absolutely no position to make that sort of accusation. "No, Buffy... you have no idea what I've done." It wasn't even so much as what he had done... it was also a question of how much he hadn't yet done, or had undid. All of it, full force, seemed to be striking his muddled up mind. Along with suggestions to take another sample of the blood coursing through her veins, but he knew better than that. The pain-stricken images of Darla came to him as well now, taunting his misery and he knew he could not take very much more of it without managing to go completely insane.

"Do I look like I care? God, none of us are perfect but you are not a failure!"

"YOU don't kill people. None of your best friends are dead because you can't- " but then he stopped, unable to continue the sentence. Some form of regret and anger at himself seemed to flash within his eyes. "Don't. Just... don't." Then he tacked on all too quickly, "We're not talking about this."

"Then when are we?" Buffy's voice softened now, studying his features carefully, "When are we going to stop lying... stop pretending... that everything's okay? When are we going to start being honest with each other, huh Angel? When? Haven't I waited long enough?"

Angel turned his head to the side, visibly unable to answer that question. "Lying is all that we really have left," he replied dryly. "It's in everyone... deception, pain, evil... it's why Earth is the 'Home Office.' Evil breeds off greed and sin and- I don't know what to think anymore, what to believe. You think I enjoy this?" Snapping his face to glare Buffy in the eyes, he continued, "That I can keep waking up every day telling myself that everything is alright? You think it's easy?"

"I never said it was easy!" Buffy retorted with a tinge of impatience in her voice. "It's not supposed to be." Honestly, Buffy wasn't all that completely certain what all he was talking about, but obviously it had to do with something he'd dealt with in Los Angeles, without her. Either way, it seemed that he needed convincing, and perhaps a little jog of his memory so he remembered what it was exactly that they fought for- especially now.

"Everything I do... every fight I join- it's nothing, means nothing. There's times when I think... it's all for... nothing."

She swallowed, looking at her feet, "We never win but... we fight because..."

"There's things worth fighting for," Angel finished for her, looking back up into her eyes. They had this conversation over two years ago and he still remembered it as if it were yesterday. Virtually everything having to do with Buffy seemed closer to him than it really was. "And you taught me that."

"Maybe that's it- maybe I just should have stayed dead... Then maybe-"

But her rationalizing was cut off by an irritated roar. Angel had vamped out and jumped up only to pin her against the wall with a menacing snarl, his eyes flaring a dangerous hint of gold, "Don't you say that. EVER." He annunciated every word through jagged gritted teeth. The pain and hurt in his eyes was visible to her, even shining through his demon's features. He closed his eyes, trying to control his temper now, finally relaxing enough to shift back into his human facade, taking a few unneeded breaths in the process. He still had her shoulders locked in an iron-grip, but he moved his eyes to the ground, slightly ashamed of his violent reaction. It'd caused her to wince slightly and still now he could feel her heart racing uncontrollably. "I'm sorry..." he swallowed, rolling his shoulders allowing him to relax slightly. "It's just..."

Buffy was surprisingly shook up from his sudden spur of rage, but she quickly regained her composure. She knew it probably did no good, however, since he probably already sensed her heart racing about a gazillion beats per minute. Allowing herself to take one deep breath, she closed her eyes as well, "Angel... it's okay... I-I get it. Thank you..." She understood his concern for her, the fact he didn't want her dead. Truthfully, she was glad he still felt that way and almost grateful that he'd gotten so wound up over such a simple suggestion. "I came," her voice became shaky while she continued, "because I thought you cared."

"And I-"

But he was cut off by Buffy's shake of her head, "You don't have to explain yourself." She shifted, almost uncomfortably in his grip.

"I wanted... to be dead..." Angel focused on her seriously, still pinning her to the wall. "I just wanted to forget- to lie to myself... and I almost managed to convince myself it didn't matter... but it hurt. More than I can explain."

"I know," she replied softly, voice still wavering. Her eyes cast to the ground now, "I know because I felt it too."

Angel's eyes moved back to take another glance at her neck, admiring the faded (but permanent) scar he'd placed there a little over two years ago. Had it been that long? It felt like forever and yesterday all at once and saying he was thrown would be an understatement. He kept his grip on her shoulders, only relaxing it a bit now while he bit his lip. He'd left her more than that scar. If he recalled correctly, there was quite the nasty mark on her arm from a particular swordfight that had ended in a temporary vacation to Hell. It was pathetic when he thought about it. He'd vowed never to hurt her and he did... more times than he could think of... and yet she had never managed to leave any lasting scars on him. He was a hypocrite then, nothing more than a mere hypocrite. And right now, he decided to blame his sudden burst of rage on his chemical imbalances. She would forgive him, she already did... and she would continue to forgive him- forever, even though he was unworthy. That was another thing that sliced deeper than a stake to the heart. How much pain did he have to cause her before she would finally let go... and in the end would she truly... ever let go? "Buffy, I-"

His next sentence was cut short, however, as the firing of two bullets cracked through the air. One nailed Angel in the upper shoulder and the other next to his spine. He gasped and yelped in pain, turning his head slowly to face the one responsible for firing the shots. Still slightly dizzy and the addition of the bullets, Angel didn't quite have his head on straight.

"Angel. I should have known we'd meet again like this, I knew you couldn't be trusted- that you'd turn eventually. Your kind... so predictable!" The woman yelled, holding the gun in front of her in precaution. "I know these won't kill you... but they're all I've got."

You made me trust you. You made me believe.

"Let her go and I won't use force," she demanded now with a sense of authority.

Who the hell was this bitch? Buffy narrowed her eyes, looking at her with a burning hatred. She not only seemed to know Angel, but she fired at him, knowing well that he was a vampire. "Angel... who the hell is this woman?"

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Lilah beamed a new sense of pride after she had returned from her brief meeting with the liaison to the Senior Partners. Apparently, not only were they pleased with her success, they were willing to give her a rather hefty raise for her troubles. The thing was, it hadn't even cost her a drop of blood, thanks to those Lardok demons. Funny thing was, however... it seemed to cost Buffy a drop or two. The Partners were also baffled at the idea of the vampire with a soul killing off the slayer, but they figured the quicker she was out of the picture the better. "Sometimes," she sat atop her desk, staring out into the dark Los Angeles sky with a smirk. "I impress even myself." She had been speaking to nobody, although given Wolfram & Hart- there always had to be somebody listening.

"That's pathetic."

"Gavin," she whirled around, facing the man with a glare of utter disgust. "I didn't let you in."

Ignoring the lawyer's comment, he walked past her now, looking at the stack of papers on her desk. "I gotta congratulate you on a job well done. I'll still have you know, however, that we are making far more progress than you are."

"I doubt that," Lilah mumbled, nonchalantly. What did this guy know? Besides, she had given Angel the papers he needed to keep the Hyperion, so Gavin's little pointless plot was, well, fruitless.

"Keep thinking that," He smirked, beginning towards the door.

"I will." Rolling her eyes, she sifted through a few sheets of paperwork. Now then, where was she? Oh yes, basking in her glory and praise from the Senior Partners. Angel was a tough egg to crack, and she would have hated to be in the room longer than she'd had to... she was glad she didn't see the drug's effects in action. Either way, Lilah was feeling quite content at the moment, and there was nothing that could possibly ruin her thunder.

Except maybe Angel... but luckily, that would not be the case for her this evening.

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Yay for another chapter. There shall be more 'relevant' talkage in the next Chap, after we get rid of the rude lady who decided to shoot poor Angel. Oh yes, questions, comments, and concerns are almost always welcome. :)