Author's Note: Thank you for the review, Just Me--glad you liked it! This is the second to last chapter. Yes--this story only has six chapters. The whole thing is already written out, in fact. So...here it is--the penultimate chapter! And on with the show...

Chapter 5: Plot Device

Tanis threw another crumpled piece of paper into the corner of the room, grinding his teeth in frustration.

"Dammit, we're no closer to rewriting the story! And it's all your fault," he added, glaring at Dalamar.

"My fault? MY fault? How is it my fault? And stop wasting the paper—don't you know you're killing trees? What kind of elf ARE you!?"

"Both of you, stop it—we're wasting time!" said Laurana. "And we don't have to worry about paper. We have a conveniently placed never-ending supply here. I think it's installation art, or something."

Sturm sat with his head bowed. Oh…the humanity…

"Let's start again," Tanis said, taking a deep breath. "One day, in Solace, before the War of the Lance…"

"That won't work," Dalamar interjected. "If you're going to write it in the pre-War of the Lance Solace, you can't write as if you already know it's going to happen."

More grinding of teeth. Tanis ripped up the page and grabbed another. "Okay…how about—

'The companions, having been transported forward in time by Caramon's magical device—"

"Nope. Caramon's already gone, we can't use him."

"THEN YOU THINK OF SOMETHING, DAMMIT!" Tanis shouted, finally losing all semblance of control. He was out of ideas, out of patience, but at the very least, he wasn't out of character.

Laurana began pacing the room. "How about we…get transported to a strange place resembling Solace before the War of the Lance by the gods?"

Dalamar shook his head. "Nope. The gods aren't in the story. The author couldn't think of anything funny for them."

Sturm sighed gloomily. "You know…it might help if you'd stop breaking the fourth wall."

"Look, knight—we're in a fanfic, being attacked by plotholes, trying to rewrite ourselves to safety. How can we not break the fourth wall?"

"Maybe I should kill myself…then I'd be dead, like I'm supposed to be…"

"No!" Tanis said vehemently. "Sturm, we'll figure a way out of this—we're not going to lose anyone!"

"Wanna bet?" said Dalamar.

Laurana resisted the urge to smack the dark elf. Barely. "You're not Reorx, you know!"

"Look, let's just—get back to rewriting…" Sturm said, taking up Tanis' dropped pencil.

"I told you—there's no way to rewrite this mess into some kind of coherent story. We're doomed," said Dalamar flatly.

"You know, you haven't said one helpful thing all day," said Laurana.

"And I should care because…?"
Silence for a moment. Then Tanis thought of something. "Hey—in Test of the Twins and Dragons of Summer Flame, you keep popping out of nowhere and helping me! So to be in character, you should be helping us right now!"

"Then I go to Nightlund and steal magic from everyone. How helpful is that?"

This time, Laurana couldn't resist.

-o-o-o-o-o-

Tas was bored.

A bored kender is a dangerous thing. Normally, Raistlin, Crysania, and Flint would have realized this and run for their lives at once. Now, however, they were otherwise occupied.

"All right—how about instead of entering the Abyss, Raistlin realizes his mistake and goes home?" Crysania suggested.

"For the last time, I am not contrite! Not at all! I feel not a scrap of contrition! If I could do it all over again I'd do the same thing!" Raistlin shouted.

"Look, Raistlin, I know you think the world revolves around you or something, but I don't care what you would really do—just make the stupid story coherent!"

"Imagine if the world really did revolve around Raistlin," said Tas suddenly. "That would be pretty funny, don't you think?"

"Shut up!" Flint roared. "Last time you made a random suggestion, the author stuck in about twenty new characters just for you—the last thing we need is some bizarre kender tale coming true!"

Tas giggled. "Now that would be funny, Flint—just imagine! A true kender tale…"

-o-o-o-o-o-

"Okay, so Palin, Usha, and Steel are magically transported into the past before Elistan dies, and so is Gerard…"

Tika shook her head. "I don't think that's going to work, Goldmoon. I mean…how would they transport? We haven't got Caramon's magical device, even."

Gerard was pacing. "Dammit—there's got to be some way! What do we do!?"

Palin sighed morosely. "I just want my staff back…"

"Maybe that could work," said Usha. "Someone…steals Palin's staff—and then they…they…run away through time and we chase them!"

"And Elistan comes back from the grave because…?"

"Shut up, Steel!" said Palin.

"Oh, all of you shut up," Gilthanis muttered. It was going to be a long day…

-o-o-o-o-o-

"We should have gotten the kender," said Dalamar, now making paper airplanes out of the discarded pages. "Then we could've gotten out of this mess."

"That's true," Laurana said reminiscently. "I remember when Tas found the dragon orb at the High Clerist's Tower in Dragons of Winter Night…that really did save the day."

Tanis bent over his latest rewrite. "Okay, so in this one Sturm comes back from beyond the grave to warn us of dire peril, and Dalamar time-travels back in time to…er…also warn us of dire peril…"

"Oh, that makes sense," Dalamar said dryly. "Now all we need is for a couple of gnomes to show up."

"Don't even kid about that," Laurana said sternly. "You never know what might happen…"

Sturm sighed again. He hadn't had a good line in ages. He was dead, he wasn't funny, he was being completely ignored, he was out of character…he had hit rock-bottom. Lower than rock bottom.

"Cheer up, Sturm," said Tanis. "I'm sure we'll figure this out soon…I mean, we're the author's favorite group of characters, except for Tas! I'm sure we'll be the ones to come up with a solution."

"Don't you see the obvious flaw in that statement?" Dalamar said. "Except for Tas. Any group without Tas is doomed. That's the kind of twisted world we're dealing with."

"Where's Fizban when you need him…" Laurana muttered.

"You called?" said a fuddled voice.

Standing in the middle of the room was an old wizard in mousy-brown robes and a battered hat. Who was secretly a god. Except that he was supposed to be a mortal elf now. Yeesh.

"Oh, great—just what we needed. Another plothole!" said Dalamar. Raistlin's sarcasm was starting to rub off on him. Or it would be, if they had actually met yet. Which wasn't possible because Raistlin was wearing the red robes, except that they had.

Groan. Another plothole.

"Actually, I am just what you needed—because where there's Fizban the Fabulous, there's—"

"I don't know about fabulous," interrupted Laurana.

"Yeah—I seem to remember a certain Fireball spell…" Tanis added.

Fizban coughed hastily into his beard. "Er…where was I…ah, yes. Where there's Fizban…there's Tas!" And he waved his hands and muttered some magic words.

"Was that a spell to summon Tas!?" Tanis cried.

Dalamar rolled his eyes. "That wasn't magic at all. He just asked for a chicken in elvish."

"Er…" the old wizard said, abashed. He had forgotten they had a wizard with them. Oops.

But at that moment…

(at the Tomb of the Last Heroes)

"Flint? I'm bored."

"Would you shut up?" Flint roared. "We're trying to fix this mess, which you started, no doubt!"

"Yeah, but…I really am terribly bored."

Raistlin and Crysania both shushed them.

"Would anyone mind terribly if I left…? Only I think maybe I'll go visit some of the others. Maybe Dalamar. I should return his spoon. I had it in my pouch for some reason. He probably dropped it. I bet he'll be really pleased."

Raistlin stood up as well. "Hmm…that might be best. It's clear the author doesn't have any idea what to do with us. Idiot…how can she not know what to write about me, supreme genius and near-god!? I am the perfect main character!"

Crysania sighed. "Yes, Raistlin, of course you are…now can we go? Tanis may have some advice. He did lead the companions in the War of the Lance, after all. Even if it hasn't happened yet."

Tas skipped gleefully to the door and yanked it open. And as they strode forth, not a single plothole came near them…they feared to even look at Tas, the Ultimate Plothole.

And so it was that they came to the Inn of the Last Home.

(elsewhere in Krynn)

"Oh no…hurry, Goldmoon! Time is running out!" Tika cried with a thrill of foreboding.

"What are you talking about? The plotholes can't get in here," the priestess replied.

"But…but I think if we don't get interesting and/or funny quickly, the author will stop writing about us! We'll be lost from the story forever!"

Goldmoon swallowed hard. "Uh-oh…what do we do, Tika? …Tika?"

"…anyone?"

(now that that loose end is tied up, back to the more interesting characters…)

"Hey, everyone—what's going on?"

"TAS!?" Tanis cried, leaping to his feet in shock. The barricade had burst open, they had grabbed their weapons and prepared for a last desperate stand, and then…

A kender. Tanis sighed ruefully; he should have known.

"Look, Tas, this really isn't a very good time…"

Laurana laid a hand on his arm. "Wait—this feels strangely familiar. I feel like we told him that during the War of Souls, and when you were fighting Lord Soth in Test of the Twins, and in the War of the Lance, and in Dragons of Summer Flame…"

"Precisely," said a cool, cynical voice. Looking up, the companions saw Raistlin, accompanied by an exasperated Crysania and a grumbling Flint.

"Flint—so that's where you got to! You found Raistlin for us!"

Raistlin scoffed. "Found me!? I found them—no one finds a Supreme Evil Genius unless he wants to be found! NO ONE!"

There was a long moment of silence. Then Fizban coughed awkwardly. "Well, I'll just be going, then shall I…?"

"No!" shouted Crysania at once. "We may need you—the ending might have to be a deus et machina or whatever it's called."

More silence.

"You know what I mean—we might need a god to make it work!"

"Er, well, I, er…"

"You're staying," Raistlin said, "Or else."

Fizban gulped and sat down.

"Now…shall we proceed?" Raistlin asked coolly.

He was met with skeptical looks. "Raistlin…I know you almost became a god and all, but do you really think can fix this pitiful mess of a story? I mean…at this point, it's not even funny," Tanis said doubtfully.

"Of course I can—I'm a—"
"Shut up about that already!" Crysania said, giving Raistlin a swift whap over the head. Which was completely out of character. But it felt good, Crysania thought to herself. That was what counted.

Tas looked about, swinging his legs as he sat on a bench. "Hmm…I thought it'd be more interesting with everyone together, but I guess not…you guys can't even tell a decent story!"

"Oh, like you can get us out of this mess?" Dalamar said sarcastically. "Go on, then—what do you think should happen?"
Tas laughed, delighted. "You want to hear one of my stories—truly? Really and truly? You don't know how much this means to me! Well! Where should I start…?"

Flint harrumphed. "The last thing we need right now is some rattle-brained doorknob of a kender and his ridiculous tall tales!"

Tanis shushed him. "No, Flint—I think this might just work," he said softly.

Tas sat back comfortably, gazing at his audience. Seeing them rapt with attention for once, his eyes misted with tears of joy.

"All right. Now, it all started with Caramon's magical time traveling device, which somehow ended up in my pouches…"