Author's Note: This is the last chapter. yes--it's true, sad to say. But a story has to end sometime, right? Just Me, I'm glad you thought that line was funny--it cracked me up. Poor Sturm...he's just not made for humor. Oh, and just so this chapter doesn't seem completely off the wall: it's kind of...a double parody. DL Chronicles and...it will hopefully become obvious right away in the chapter, but...the Wizard of Oz. ...yeah...don't ask. (laughs) Well, enjoy!

Chapter 6: Kender Tales

"So," Tas began, "it all started when Caramon's magical time traveling device activated. Me and Dalamar were—"

"Wait—how did I get involved in this!?" Dalamar said.

Everyone else promptly shushed him.

"Anyway," Tas continued, "We were swept away by the time magic! And then…."

Tas and Dalamar landed with an almighty crash, along with the remains of the Majere's Inn. Awakening, they saw that they were in a bizarre town with yellow and red paved roads.

"Tas…I don't think we're in Krynn anymore," Dalamar said.

Tas felt a strange urge to bark and run around sniffing things. But instead he said, "This place seems kinda familiar. I bet Uncle Trapspringer was here."

They looked around curiously. The little town was decorated in alarmingly bright colors, and everything was on a miniature scale. Suddenly, they heard giggles from many unseen people.

"What was that!?" Dalamar said.

Tas ignored him. "Gee, Dalamar, it sure is lucky that I'm here. I bet I have a map of this place somewhere. We won't get lost!"

Dalamar was just about to strangle Tas when (luckily for Tas, although unluckily for Dalamar) he was interrupted by the appearance of a strange person who looked disturbingly familiar…

"Excuse me," said the person, who had long honey-colored hair and almond shaped eyes, "But are you a good witch or a bad witch?"

"You know," Tas said, "You look just like Laurana."

The woman looked around shiftily. "Er…yeah—I get that all the time! We look just alike. But I'm obviously not Laurana because I have a poofy dress and a magic wand!"

"Oh…that makes sense," Tas said, admiring the woman's sparkly white dress, which had so many ruffles that it was likely to trip the unwary wearer.

"Who in the Abyss are you!?" Dalamar said, interrupting the otherwise pleasant conversation.

"I am the Glinda, the Good Witch of the North," the woman said. "And what kind of witch are you?" she added pointedly.

"I'm a black-robed mage," Dalamar said, glaring at Glinda. "And you're Laurana, not a witch! You don't have any magic at all! This is an insult to wizards everywhere!"

The woman gave him another stern glare. "E-HEM…so, Dorothy—I mean, Dalamar…welcome to Munchkinland! Come on out, Munchkins!"
Suddenly, from the surrounding area sprang a horde of kender! Glinda/Laurana was somewhat disconcerted to see them swarm the two visitors rather than sing their little songs and dance. But the members of the Lollipop Guild had spontaneously disbanded to become members of the Shiny Objects Guild, which was much less organized.

"Give that back—get away from me—bloody hell!"

Tas shook his head disapprovingly. "Dalamar, we're from Krynn. We swear by the Abyss. And don't swear in front of the children!" he added.

"Wow, a dead guy under a house! What an interesting experience!" one of the kender shouted.

Laurana coughed pointedly. "He means, thank you for killing the Wicked Witch of the East."

A hulking man was buried in the ruins of the Inn. "Whoa—how'd Caramon get under there?" Tas asked.

Laurana coughed more loudly, angry at being upstaged. "Now…you must take the Ruby Slippers, Dalamar, and go to the Emerald City!"

Tas and Dalamar looked at Caramon's feet. He was wearing leather boots.

"Er…I mean, the Staff of Magius!" Laurana said hastily.

Tas snatched up the staff from the ruins. The crystal trapped in the dragon's claw gleamed from the top. "Wow—here it is! I always wanted to hold this thing, you know?"
Dalamar grabbed it away from him at once. "Let go of that, you fool of a Took! …I mean, kender…"

Suddenly, lightening tore across the sky! Thunderclouds rolled in! It was cloudy, with a chance of rainfall tapering off later in the evening!
….that is, someone appeared out of nowhere!

"Where's my brother!?" the man screamed, his white hair flying about his metallic gold face.

"Your brother is over there," Laurana said, pointing to the Inn.

Raistlin practically frothed at the mouth. "You dropped his Inn on him!?"

"No—they did," said Laurana.

Raistlin whirled around to face Dalamar and Tas. "Why, you—I would have expected this of a kender, but my own apprentice!?"
Dalamar glared right back. "I have to say, now that you've burned holes in my chest, I'm much less loyal."

"Well, at the very least, I'm taking his Staff of Magius!"
"You mean…this?" Dalamar said, waving the staff tauntingly.

Raistlin frothed at the mouth again. Tas thought he should probably go to a doctor and see about getting some rabis shots. "Glinda's—I mean Laurana's—white magic protects you here…but I'll get you, my pretty…and your little dog—I mean kender—too!"

Laughing maniacally, he vanished. The kender stood around chattering, not perturbed in the least. Several had wandered off from boredom.

"Well," said Laurana. "You must go to the Emerald City and ask the Wizard of Oz for help! Off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz…"

Tas and Dalamar ran off down the yellow brick road in the desperate hope of escaping the hideous and inhumane torture of listening to Laurana and a chorus of kender sing.

-o-o-o-o-o-

They walked along for some time before coming to a corn field, where there was a crossroads. They didn't know which way to go.

"That woman gave us very poor directions," Dalamar said, leaning on the Staff. "Comes of hanging around with kender all the time…"
Tas sniffed, pointing his nose in the air. "Shows what you know. I'll just use the Kender Body Compass…"

"If I were you, I'd go that way," said a voice. But there was no one around!

"Who was that!?" Dalamar said, looking around suspiciously. He saw only a scarecrow wearing long white robes and a platinum medallion around its neck. Its arm was pointing to the right.

"Of course, that way is nice too," said the voice. They looked around again—now the arm was pointing left!

"Oh, wow—that scarecrow is talking! Boy, what a really most interesting experience!" Tas cried excitedly.

Crysania nodded. "Yes—that's right. Laugh at the scarecrow stuck up on a pole. Even the crows aren't afraid of me. Raistlin certainly wasn't…"

Tas cut Crysania down from the pole with his trusty magic knife, Rabbit Slayer. She fell over comically several times as she pretended to get her bearings like a stiff scarecrow, but the effect wasn't funny at all.

"You really have no comedic talent, do you?" Dalamar said, watching her critically.

"It's not my fault," Crysania said mournfully. "I haven't any brain."

"That much is obvious," Dalamar replied.

Tas was growing dangerously bored by this time. "Gee, Crysania, why don't you come with us to the Emerald City? I bet the wizard would give you a brain!"

Crysania hugged the little kender gratefully. "Really!? You'd really let me come?"
Tas nodded. "Yep—all you have to do is sing the song! Oh, we're off to see the wizard…"

Dalamar put his hands over his ears. It was going to be a long day….

-o-o-o-o-o-o-

A little while later, they reached an orchard. "Gee, I'm kind of hungry," Tas said. "I'll just take some of those apples. I bet the trees wouldn't want them to go to waste. They'd probably be really grateful to us for picking them."

Just as he was about to reach for a bright red apple, however, he spotted something even more interesting. Sturm was standing in the woods, apparently frozen in place.

They walked over to him at once. "What are you doing here, Sturm?" Tas asked. It was awkward for the others to say anything, since Sturm had died before they met him.

Sturm said nothing, but he made a strange squeak that almost sounded like, "Oil can!"

"…why do you need an oil can?" Crysania asked.

"Maybe you could just stop standing motionless like that," Dalamar suggested dryly. "Or we could hit you over the head with the Staff of Magius."

Sturm unfroze with alacrity. "I'm Sturm, the Tin Man…"
"No, you're not," said Dalamar. "You're Sturm, the idiotically valiant knight. And you're dead."

"That's why I was frozen," Sturm said. "Rigor mortis. But I'm all right now…except for one thing…"

"What is it?" asked Crysania.

Tas jumped up and down, waving his hand. "Ooo pick me pick me! I know this one! He hasn't got a heart!"
Sturm glared at the kender, robbed of his dramatic moment. "…yeah. It's a real problem for me."

Tas brightened at once. "Well, how about you come with us to the—"

"How about you stay here?" Dalamar suggested, clamping a hand over Tas's mouth.

Crysania shook her head reprovingly. "No, Dalamar—he should come with us to the Emerald City and get a heart from the Wizard of Oz. Let's all sing the song!"

"NO!" Dalamar shouted, waving the Staff threateningly. "If you want to come, fine, but we are not singing that stupid song ever again!"
It was no use.

"Oh, we're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz…"

-o-o-o-o-o-

They all walked along some more. All of the landscape was basically the same, including the yellow brick road. It wasn't clear to any of the characters why some insane person had wanted to build a road all the way from Munchkinland to the Emerald City. And why they had wanted the road to be yellow. And why they had built only one road in the entire land of Oz. But these questions would have to remain forever a mystery, because at that moment…

Raistlin appeared! "MUAHAHAHA! Give me that Staff or I'll kill you all!"

Dalamar was nonplussed. "If we have the Staff, we're much more powerful than you…Wicked Witch."

A nerve was going in Raistlin's temple. "...just give me my staff!" he shouted. "Or I'll—I'll—"

They never found out what he was going to do, because at that moment he collapsed in a fit of coughing. Crysania looked tempted to help him up, but the other members of the group, who were endowed with brains, held her back.

Raistlin recovered after a moment. "Haaaa….haaaa…anyway…FIREBALL!"

A huge gout of flame shot out at them, but the Staff of Magius easily deflected it for no good canon reason. Raistlin laughed evilly and disappeared, and the characters were forced to wonder why he hadn't gone in for the kill.

"That's easy," said Sturm. "The Wizard of Oz was a kid's movie."
With that mystery solved, they moved on.

-o-o-o-o-o-

A little later, they came to a large, spooky forest. Signs posted on the board did in fact identify it as the Forest of No Return. They also advised travelers to 'Turn Back Before It's Too Late,' However, since the only road on the entire continent ran through the woods, they really had no choice but to go on.

"What do you suppose is in these woods?" Crysania asked.

Sturm gave a melancholy sigh appropriate to his knightly countenance. "Oh, I don't know. Death Knights and Dragons and Sea Elves, oh my!"

"…Sea Elves don't live in the woods, Sturm," said Crysania. "I'm the one without the brain, remember?"

"And those won't make a catchy song," Tas added.

"…fine," Sturm said mutinously. "Lions and tigers and bears, oh my. Happy now?"

The characters nodded and broke into song at once, with the notable exception of Dalamar, who stood glaring at them all. Unfortunately, since not even a wizard's looks could kill, it had no effect whatsoever.

"Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!"

At that moment, something sprang out of the woods!

"C'mon, put 'em up, put 'em up!" Tanis shouted, wiggling his fists and prancing about ridiculously.

Dalamar, fed up with the whole thing, dealt Tanis a blow with the Staff. He immediately fell back, crying.

"What'd you have to go and do that for!?" he said, tears streaming down his face.

"Because you were acting like an idiot," Dalamar said calmly. "Okay, what's your bizarre physiological problem that defies the laws of nature?"

Tanis shook his head, sniffing loudly. "I'm not missing any vital organs—but I haven't any courage. I don't have very good decision-making skills either, but that's beside the point."

Tas perked up. "I've got a great idea!"

Dalamar groaned. "Why do I have a feeling I know where this is going…?"

"Why don't you come with us to the Emerald City!?"

Tanis nodded happily, and they began their song…

"We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!"

-o-o-o-o-o-

Their next stop was in a field full of poppies, which for some reason grew in massive quantities along the path to the Emerald City. Before they had time to question this biological phenomenon, however, they all passed out asleep. It was a devious Evil Mastermind trap from Raistlin!

Our Heroes were sleeping soundly, their quest utterly lost…with the exception of Tas. It would take a lot more than some poppies to make a kender calm down enough to sleep.

"Huh? What's everybody taking a nap for? Hmm…I bet they'd want me to guard their stuff while they're asleep. That way no one can steal it. I'll just gather it up, then…"

At that moment, however, Laurana appeared. "Now, now, Tas…don't steal—I mean borrow—anything. I'll make it snow and wake them all up."

Laurana waved her hands and the ice dragon Sleet appeared and blasted snow on them all. Our Heroes woke up abruptly, shivering and on the verge of hypothermia. Laurana vanished with offering them any magically conjured coats, much to their disappointment.

"S-s-so…on…to the Emerald…C-c-city…" said Tas, shivering but still grinning. He found nearly freezing to death a very interesting experience.

Dalamar muttered darkly under his breath. "I swear, when I find out who's responsible for all this…"

-o-o-o-o-o-

The characters arrived at the Emerald City. Many dull things happened to them, such as that song the welcoming committee sings. But let's skip ahead to the plot-relevant part. The meeting with the Wizard of Oz commences!

Dalamar, Crysania, Sturm, Tanis, and Tas walked into the large audience hall. A huge golden dragon was waiting for them!

"I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ, " it said. "WHY DO YOU DISTURB ME?"

"Why is he speaking in all caps?" Tanis whispered to Sturm. Sturm just shrugged.

"Wow—this is such an exciting experience!" Tas shouted. The dragon roared menacingly, and he giggled with delight.

"We want to get out of this insanity!" Dalamar shouted in frustration.

"THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ WILL HELP YOU IF YOU DO SOMETHING FOR HIM FIRST."

"Why's he speaking in the third person?" Tanis whispered to Sturm. Sturm still didn't know the answer, though. Tanis was starting to wonder if maybe Sturm should be the one asking for the brain.

"If Oz is so Great and Powerful, why does he need us to do his errands for him?" Dalamar asked coolly.

"THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ WISHES YOU TO PROVE YOURSELVES WORTHY. BRING BACK THE SPELLBOOK OF RAISTLIN MAJERE AND OZ WILL GRANT YOUR REQUEST. NOW GO!"

The characters fled at top speed, except for Tas, who had to be dragged along by force because he wanted to stay and admire the dragon some more. Once outside, they tracked down some better directions to Raistlin's lair—the Tower of High Sorcery! …in Oz, that is.

"Well…let's get this over with," said Dalamar.

-o-o-o-o-o-

The characters soon reached Winky Land, but it was not clear to them exactly what Winkys were. They knew only that they served Raistlin. But they had no choice but to go through the area.

"The Forest of No Return…sounds like a great spot!" said Tas eagerly. "Let's go!"

With that, he dashed in, and the other characters were forced to follow him. Raistlin, however, had a devious plan!

"Muahahaha…I will cast a horrible spell on them that will make them dance fiendishly and wear themselves out! Then I'll kidnap Dalamar and steal the Staff of Magius! MUAHAHAHA!"

It will remain forever a mystery why Raistlin thought that dancing was a suitably evil weapon for an evil genius. Be that as it may, however, he struck at once.

"This is ridiculous!" Crysania shouted as she danced away.

"I feel so awkward!" Tanis shouted, doing an ungainly two-step.

"Curse this heavy armor!" shouted Sturm, clanking about.

"Wheeee!" shouted Tas.

"This day just keeps getting worse…" said Dalamar.

Soon all the companions were exhausted and collapsed in a heap. "Boy, that was fun!" said Tas, completely oblivious to the utterly ridiculous plight they were in.

Far away, Raistlin watched in his Pool of Seeing. "Muahahaha…now, my flying monkeys! NOW!"

Out of nowhere came Raistlin's army of spectral creatures from the Tower of High Sorcery! While not quite as intimidating as authentic flying monkeys, they did the job. Grabbing Dalamar, who protested with curses that would have made a pirate blush, they carried him off to the Tower.

The companions forced themselves to their feet.

"Oh no—we have to save Dalamar from Raistlin!" Crysania said, wringing her hands.

Tanis nodded fervently. "I'll craft a cunning plan!"

Sturm gave a mournful sigh. "Something tells me this isn't going to go well…"

Tas was pouting. "I wish I had gotten carried away by flying monkeys."

-o-o-o-o-o-

Raistlin was in the midst of a coughing fit. "Hack—mmph—hack! Ah…that's better. Now—give me the Staff of Magius!"

Dalamar clutched the Staff tighter. "No!"

"Give it to me!"
"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"
"Yes!"

"No!

"No!" Raistlin shouted, with a cunning smile.

"Yes!" Dalamar shouted back. "Augh, dammit!" he followed up with, realizing he had fallen for a ridiculously simple trick.

"Muahahaha…hack! Hack! I'll…hack, hack…go get my tea…hack…then, when I come back…cough, mmmph, haaaack…I'll take the Staff! Hack!"
Dalamar slumped down on the table. "Just great…"

-o-o-o-o-o-

Tanis smiled proudly, pointing to the army of Winkys marching into the Tower. "All we have to do is grab three uniforms, dress up as guards, and sneak in!"

There was a stunned silence.

Sturm was the first to break it. "Tanis…those guards are gulley dwarves. How are we supposed to disguise ourselves as them?"

"…oh," said Tanis. "In that case, let's just bribe them with some food."

And they did that.

-o-o-o-o-o-

Raistlin returned to the room. "Now that I've recovered from my cough…I will take the Staff!"

"Oh no you don't!" shouted three voices. A bucket of water splashed all over Raistlin.

"No….NOOOOOO! I'll get pneumonia and die from my hideous cough! I'M WEEEET…."

Raistlin promptly ran off to go see a doctor. Our Heroes triumphantly claimed his spell book and returned to the Emerald City to stand before Oz.

-o-o-o-o-o-

"THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ DOESN'T FEEL LIKE TALKING TO YOU LOSERS RIGHT NOW. GO AWAY BEFORE I BECOME SEVERELY DISCOMFITTED."

"Sturm, he's still talking in all caps! It's starting to freak me out!" Tanis whispered. Sturm pointedly shushed him.

Dalamar was at the breaking point. "Dammit, I don't care who you are, just send us back to Krynn so we can leave this excuse for a children's game! I swear, it's like living in that Candyland thing! If I never have to try collecting those stupid cards again, or whatever it was you did…"

"…you've played Candyland?" Crysania asked, staring at Dalamar.

"…shut up," Dalamar said. It wasn't his day as far as witty retorts were concerned. Or much else, for that matter.

"Hey—look at this, guys! It's Fizban! Wow, I really missed you, Fizban! How've you been? Did you lose your hat? Forget your name? How's the Fireball coming?"

"Er…"

All the heroes glared at Fizban, now exposed in his hiding spot behind the curtain, except for Tas. The kender was chattering to him quite happily.

"So how do we get back?" Dalamar asked.

Fizban shuffled his feet.

"And what about our various organs and psychological characteristics?" Sturm asked.

Fizban sighed deeply. "Oh…fine. Tanis—you don't need courage, you just need the ability to make a decision. Therefore, I'm prescribing these anti-angst pills. Take them as needed…I've given you enough for several decades, so come back next week when you run out…"

"For you, Crysania—you already have a brain. To use it, all you have to do is blind yourself. Therefore, I give you these extremely dark sunglasses."

"For you, Sturm—you already have a heart. You just need to get in touch with your true self and stop being so uptight and duty-bound. Therefore, I'm going to shave your mustache."

"NOOOOOO!" Sturm burst into tears.

"See?" Fizban said. "He's gotten in touch with his heart at last!"

"And what about me and Dalamar?" Tas asked, eager to find out the next surprise.

"…look, I can't do everything!" Fizban said.

"You don't have…I don't know…something crazy, like a hot air balloon or a gnome flying ship?" Sturm suggested, remembering his own adventures on the moon.

Fizban shook his head glumly. "Severe budget cuts."
At that moment, Laurana appeared. "Silly Dalamar—you've always had the power to go home! Just bang the Staff of Magius on the ground three times and say, 'there's no place like home, there's no place like home'."

There was a long silence at these words.

"…that's stupid," they all said at last, mimicking each other's thoughts exactly.

Tas shrugged. "If you don't want to try it, I will!"

Dalamar grabbed the staff away at once. "Fine, I'll do it…there's no place like home, etc., etc…"

There was a blinding flash of light…

And Dalamar woke up back in the Tower of High Sorcery in Palanthas, prior to Raistlin's attempted ascent to godhood.

"What happened to you? You suddenly passed out for no reason."

"I had the most bizarre dream," Dalamar said, gesturing wildly. "And you were in it, shalafi, and Tanis was in it, and Tas, and Laurana, and Sturm, and Crysania, and, and…oh, there's no place like home!"
"…oh, shut up," Raistlin muttered.

-o-o-o-o-o-

And so at last Our Heroes have escaped the fanfic and returned to their regularly scheduled canon lives…if not happily or ever after, at the very least, they're back.

THE END