Jesus drives the bicycle
-
Sonicland, late summer.
It was sunny and dandy, as is so very usual in Sonicland.
A small gathering of people had gathered on a corner.
Dotsie, fat muslim; Rouge, big-breasted bat; Corey, super saiyan supreme; Tails, transexual fox; Cream, child pornography super-star; Cheese, choir-chao number one; Eggman, jewish inventor.
Together, they form Team Christian.
Power is supplied by Corey, flight comes solely from Tails, while Eggman funds all the team's operations around the world, using his immeasurable wealth. Should things take a turn for the worse, Dotsie is fully prepared to blow himself to bits, always with a death-defying 'Allahu Akbar!' Comic relief comes from Cream and Cheese.
Rouge is tits, and nothing more.
And lo! Just as the team prepared to move out and challenge the world leaders of bad taste and stupidity, a golden bicycle pulled up to them, ridden by the most righteous and esteemed of riders - I'm talking about Jesus, the Jesus, that Jesus, the one and only son of god!
"Whaddup, yall?" everyone who looked upon him knew that salvation was within reach. No longer would they have to fight for survival, or make all those tough choices - no! Things would take care of themselves, now, that Jesus was with them. Because religious superheroes have an unlimited supply of time on their hands, not to mention an unlimited patience.
"Oh, my lord and savior!" Tails called out, then fell to his knees in shocked awe. Jesus was, of course, decked out in suede, and his costumary combo of thorned crown, christmas lights, and cowboy hat.
"Shit, yo," as the bike came to a sudden halt, Jesus pulled out a blunt of titanic proportions. "Anyone o yall inter-e-sted in eternal salvation, an' a place next ta god, the almighty?" One breath was all it took, and the blunt was no more.
Heads were nodded, and Jesus' left arm made a wipe, sweeping motion.
Corey, hunk of a man, was the first to stir.
"Mister Jesus, sir," his timid voice, reminiscent of fairies - or cyber elves - spoke, "will I get to beat up people in heaven?"
Jesus nodded.
Next up was Rouge, tits beyond compare.
"Will my tits grow even larger in heaven?"
Jesus nodded once more.
Tails, finest of all dickgirls, and most experienced manlover known to humanity and furrydom in turn, took the time to get himself off the ground.
"What's heaven's official stance on faggotry and masturbation?" his feminine voice inquired.
Jesus, wise beyond words and mortal comprehension, cocked his head from left to right.
"If yo be forgiven, then yall be welcome in mah house, nigga, howeva," his divine gaze fell on Dotsie, "god does not take kindly to fat muslims, 'specially those dat blow themsefs up daily, yall ear!"
Thus it was that Dotsie melted to fluid, as if he'd just been struck by a plasma bolt.
Eggman tried to say something, but Jesus' agility score was more than twice that of the jew, and thus he got a second turn, which he used to fire lasers from his eyes. A second later, Eggman had been reduced to a total of ten neat chunks of carved flesh.
-
And from this story we learn that god and Jesus work in mysterious ways, and that you should be neither a greedy jew, nor a suicidal muslim. If you are, then chances are you are not going to heaven.
When you die.
If you die.
-
VT2 - 2006