Jesus drives the jungle cock
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Jesus was cruising through the streets of downtown Sonicland, riding his superior pimpmobile. Actually, he wasn't cruising so much as standing around on a corner, with a bunch of wannabe playahs.
"Mine is bigger!" Shadow proclaimed. Bob, on the other hand, didn't agree with the hedgehog's claim.
Two seconds later, he showed the world why his stage name was 'Long dong Obsidian.' So large that it made Shadow turn his back in shame and fear, so thick that Sonic fainted, and so black and perfect that Tails conceded defeat, despite being the best dickgirl ever.
Because Bob believed that words are for lesser creatures, he didn't say anything - he was perfectly comfortable standing there, mighty flesh in hand, and feeling like a king. Emperor, even, Emperor of mankind.
And immortal, to boot.
A smug grin crept onto the aryan chocolate warrior's face, then he noticed Jesus, who just stood there. The savior's smug rivaled the Emperor's, and things looked set for a conflict of epic - nay - apocalyptic proportions and scale.
"Ahma show yall something yall aint neva seen, yo," so spoke the savior, and thus it was that Sonicland vanished, for it would not be able to survive the offered onslaught. Jesus, divine and wise beyond measure, knew this.
So did Bob, but he didn't really care.
So it was that Bob heaved up his meat against Jesus, whom just smiled at him and turned the other cheek. In truth, he wished Bob well, for no mortal creature could survive what was to come.
As one, all the angels in heaven broke out in a song of religious value and effort, for Bob's jungle cock was to be thwarted and utterly crushed by the one power that has that power - to defeat the jungle cock.
Cock Absolutum - that most sacred of sacred items and objects. So sacred that it should not be!
Jesus' suede gear burst asunder in furious ejaculations, and whence there was dark blue, now there was Cock Absolutum. So massive that it normally took the savior's entire strength of will to contain, so perfect and almighty that mortal men melted upon hearing its name mentioned on the wind - of change! Now it was unleashed - the size of all sizes - all veins, all ridges, all pulsing light and cervix-slammer!
Bob did not falter! Indeed, he was not someone who would ever give up.
Butterfly in hand, he descended on the Cock Absolutum. With each slice, flesh parted, yet no matter how much of it he chopped away, the Cock Absolutum remained as stout as ever! Indeed, it was as if his attempts to minimize it only added to its size, for such is the power of Cock Absolutum - the more you gawk, the bigger it gets!
He had been defeated; it was obvious, and so had space. Cock Absolutum had plowed straight through the universe, and replaced the god-given reality with its own - one where only cocks dwell. Jungle cocks, the true children of Cock Absolutum.
The universal force that not even god could tame. In fact, Cock Absolutum was the sole reason behind god's existence.
Yes, there was no need for pimping' modifications, skater-slang, whitey-capping bullets, honkies, potato chips, cunts, tits, pussies, twats, knockers, breasts, vaginas, or even niggers. The Cock Absolutum had been unleased, and it would stay unchained, unbowed, and unbroken for evermore, and thenceforth, as the true mount of the knights of the apocalypse.
Universal peace was no more, and Bob soon found himself absorbed by the Cock Absolutum, so that its long-lost child could come home once more, to join its essence to that of the one true cock.
The master cock.
From this story we learn that cocks are superior to religion, since no one needs those when you've got a handy source of orgasms close, ready, and ever waiting.
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VT2 - 2006