He closed his eyes, willing himself to go back and finish his dream. Finish it his way. He gripped his erection tightly and began to stroke himself as he brought back images of being in the hot tub. This time he was alone with just one woman, and she was focusing all her attention on him. For a few minutes he could pretend it was her hand that rubbed him, her voice in his ear, her lips pressed hot against his. He imagined his mouth on her full breasts, her pink nipples against his tongue and moaned her name as he came.
He laid there in silence for quite some time, wondering as his senses returned to normal how much longer he was going to be able to continue this facade. In his dreams even Karen wanted Pam. How much clearer was his subconscious trying to make it?
He got up and went into the shower, standing under the hot water until he felt completely poached. He knew he was going to be late to work, but he just didn't care. It was the day of the Christmas party and he had nothing he felt like celebrating. He still hadn't bought a gift for Karen, although he knew he would have to as she'd already been teasing him with hints about what she bought for him. He felt guilty that he'd actually spent more time thinking of something to get Pam than to get the girl who was technically his girlfriend. In the end he hadn't purchased anything for anyone except his mother yet. He guessed he'd probably get Karen some CD set, but he didn't know what - if anything - he should get for Pam. His heart on a string was an appropriate choice, but it wasn't easy to wrap.
He thought back to the last Christmas party. How full of hope he had been last year. It was before the Booze Cruise, before Roy and his damn setting-the-date announcement, and so far before he'd break down in front of her and lose it all. And yet here he was, another Christmas and still she was the only one he really wanted. He wondered how depressing next Christmas was going to be. When he got into work, Pam was talking on the phone. She flashed him a brilliant and genuine smile and he remembered how Dream Karen had said how beautiful she was. She was wearing a new red turtleneck, and it clung to her curves in a way he'd never seen before. He felt himself flush, thinking of her naked with him in the hot tub, and sat down with merely a nod in her direction. How he was going to get through the day with her looking that lovely wasn't something he was capable of handling.
As things worked out, Jim spent most of the afternoon in Benihana's with a downcast Michael, who had just been dumped by Carol, and the ever-competing Dwight and Andy. He'd received a few phone calls from Karen, telling him how she had been kicked off the planning committee and now she and Pam were planning their own office party. She warned him there would be alcohol and karaoke, and suggested they continue the party at her house afterwards. He knew his reply was more noncommittal than she wanted, but he couldn't get Pam and her red turtleneck out of his mind. He couldn't get that dream out of his mind. And knowing that while he was sitting there in Benihana's in one of his many versions of private hell, the two women he wanted most to keep apart were actually becoming friends? Well, it made him nervous as hell.
Jim received one text message from Pam that afternoon. Angela has turned the Nutcracker into the Nuthouse, she wrote. I've been banned from the PPC. Yay! Her simple message made him smile more than all of Karen's phone calls.
When the guys finally made it back to the office, the Christmas party held by Pam and Karen had already begun. A punch bowl of spiked eggnog had already been seriously tasted, and Kelly was singing You Light Up My Life to Ryan, who looked like he was trying to find a way to hide inside the cheese crescent roll he was eating. Meredith was at her desk, a pitcher-sized jug of eggnog by her side, and Creed was walking around taking digital photos of everything. Angela was in the conference room with Hannah, while Stanley and Phyllis were still quietly working at their desks. Kevin met Jim at the door, trying to explain the story of the of dual Christmas parties.
When Jim found Karen and Pam, they were sitting in the break room drinking eggnog together. Karen looked up when Jim entered, and smiled. He sat down at their table, and as he did so Karen put her arm around Pam.
"Jim, I just have to tell you that this chick is the best. The absolute best. You should have heard her talking to Angela after that bitch kicked me off the party planning committee." Karen gave Pam a kiss on the cheek. Pam smiled slightly and looked at Jim.
"I can see you've been working the eggnog, Filippelli," he said. "Maybe you just need to relax for a bit now."
"I am relaxed," she protested, her arm still around Pam. "I'm just saying this girl is awesome!"
"I know she's awesome," Jim replied quietly. The look he gave Pam made it clear he was directing his response more to her than Karen.
Pam flushed slightly and stood up, feeling awkward. "Hey, I'll be back." She walked out of the break room without looking back.
Jim knew she was lying about coming back, and had already guessed where she was heading. She was probably going to go sit at her desk and hide herself away from the rest of the party. He wondered if he should go make sure if she was okay, but Karen started talking to him again and he had no excuse to immediately leave.
Soon Michael and Andy made their way back to break room, where the duo discovered the karaoke machine. Karen had been listening to Kelly talk, so Jim took his chance to go check on Pam. He didn't like the idea of her sitting alone, especially if part of her disappearance might have been due to him. He was surprised to not see her at her desk. He walked into the conference room - festive in its Nutcracker theme - but she wasn't in there, either. No luck in the kitchen finding her. He even peeked inside the women's rest room.
He was close to believing that she had just up and left, when the obvious hit him. He went back to the reception area, grabbed his coat and slipped into the stairwell, careful not to be seen by anyone. He took the stairs two at a time until he reached the roof entrance. She just had to be there. He pushed the door up and open and climbed onto the gravel and asphalt. He didn't immediately see her, so he waiting until his eyes readjusted to the dark sky. He hoped yet again that she was there.
He heard a sound and turned around. She was sitting on one of their chairs, but they'd been moved against one of the brick extensions to break the wind. He walked over to her and sat in his chair. He hadn't been up here like this in forever.
"Hey, you okay up here?" He asked, drawing his coat around him.
"Yeah," Pam replied quietly. "Just a little cold."
"Yeah," Jim agreed. He wanted to say so much more, but he had no idea how to begin. Want to hear about a crazy dream I had last night? didn't quite seem the best route. So he just looked out onto the holiday lights that were glowing all over the city, and up into the stars above.
"I have your Christmas present at home," she said, finally breaking the silence.
"You didn't have to get me anything, Pam," Jim said, feeling guilty that he had given up on getting her something days ago. He reminded himself that it wasn't too late to still do something.
"It's not much," Pam said. "It just felt weird not buying a present for you."
Jim nodded. "I know." He searched for the right words to say, with no success. "Lots of things are weird this year."
"She's very nice you know." Pam said.
"Who?"
"Your girlfriend, Karen."
Jim felt his heart practically stop. He didn't know what to say to her. He couldn't even tell what feelings had prompted her to say it. Was she happy for him? Jealous? Angry he hadn't told her? He felt helpless that he couldn't even seem to read her anymore.
"Yeah," he finally said. Nice job, idiot, he said to himself.
"She's doesn't quite seem your type, though," Pam said, her tone still frustratingly neutral.
"No?"
"No."
"So who is my type?" He held is breath for fear of her answer.
"Me," she said plainly.
"Pam," he said apprehensively.
"Don't worry, I'm not going to cause any problems between you two," she said softly. "But I decided that you need to know that I love you, and I have no intention of letting you out of my sight again. I'll be right here when you want me."
"Up here?" he asked, unable to hold back a joke. He thought if he didn't say something funny he'd cry.
She laughed. "Yeah, right here in this chair. Night and day. I'm even having the phones transferred up here."
They sat together in silence for a few minutes, then Pam stood up and began to walk away.
Jim stood up. "Pam, wait -"
She stopped and looked back.
He shook his head, confusion clearly written on his face. "I don't know what to say."
He could see her smiling sadly at him. "I hope someday you do."
He watched her disappear back downstairs, then he sat back down in his chair. He folded his arms across his knees and buried his head in his arms. And then he cried.
Jim didn't know how long he'd stayed up on the roof. It was even possible he'd fallen asleep at one point. But by the time he came back down into the office, he was feeling sore and frozen and completely beaten. Most people had already left. He wasn't at all surprised to find Pam gone. She probably had walked out immediately after coming down off the roof. He found Karen on the floor near her desk. Someone had draped Michael's new grey Dunder Mifflin bathrobe over her sleeping figure.
He felt responsible for Karen, and guilty that he'd all but ignored her tonight. He gently woke her up, gathered her stuff and got her back to her apartment. She drunkenly asked him to stay, but he insisted what she needed more was a good night's sleep. He tucked her in and headed back out to his car.
He headed home, Pam's words from the rooftop playing over and over in his head. He couldn't quite bring himself to believe what she'd said, but he could find no reason to doubt her. Despite how estranged they had been the past months, he still believed he knew her. She wouldn't have made that confession lightly.
He pulled into his driveway and turned the ignition off. He was about to go into his house when he thought about what awaited him in there: a cold, lonely bed and probably more crazy dreams. Something in him just snapped and he started his car again. He was tired of running. She'd handed him a lifeline, and he needed to know if she meant it.
He remembered the directions to her apartment from a drive he'd made shortly after moving back. It had been important that he knew where she lived, how far away he was from her. When he walked up to her door, he didn't see any lights on. He hesitated at her door. Either she was already asleep or she hadn't come home yet. He didn't see her car, but he wasn't sure where she would have parked, either.
He took a deep breath and knocked. There was no response, so he tried once more, this time knocking harder. He waited, and was about to walk away when he saw a light turn on. He heard steps approaching, and suddenly the door opened, and she was standing there. Dressed in her bathrobe, hair in disarray, Pam looked up at him as if she were sure she was dreaming.
"Jim?"
"I know what to say now," he said, "if you want to hear it."
She smiled. "Well, I'm not exactly dressed for it," she said. "But come on in."