Disclaimer: All right already! I don't own a goddam thing! Sheesh!

AN: Thanks for all the reviews, they've been overwhelming… and also a great motivator! Hint hint! I have no idea where i'm going with this so bare with me! LOL!

Dazedizzy: Yeah, I thought about what Cindy's reaction would have been afterwards and I guess cos she's always so optimistic when it comes to Max's dramas that she'd have faith in her sorting her shit out and coming back home asap… Just a thought like I said… Thanks for the comments though, they help a lot! J

My black backpack's stuffed with broken dreams

20 bucks should get me through the week

Never said a word of discontentment

Fought it a thousand times but now

I'm leaving home

Here in the shadows

I'm safe

I'm free

I've nowhere else to go but

I cannot stay where I don't belong

Two months pass by and it's getting cold

I know I'm not lost

I am just alone

But I won't cry

I won't give up

I can't go back now

Waking up is knowing who you really are

In the shadows

I'm safe, I'm free

I've nowhere else to go

But I cannot stay here

Show me the shadow where true meaning lies

So much more dismay in empty eyes

Exodus, Evanescence

It felt like a lifetime ago, her former life almost a surreal dream in her memory although she never forgot a single detail. The blessing and curse of a genetically engineered photographic memory. Sometimes when she closed her eyes she was back at Jam Pony or at Crash, hanging with Sketch and OC and Alec and just being, playing chess with Logan before things got screwed up and complicated between them, a time when they were friends and they could laugh and take comfort in the fact that they never felt alone when they were together. She missed those feelings more than anything and it had been a long time since she felt that way. Before she left she had felt a hollowness beginning to grow inside her. Something dark, oppressing and terribly lonely accompanying it. It scared the hell out of her. Feeling out of control of herself, she did the only thing she knew she could do to get a handle on things… she ran.

A bitter laugh escaped her at that thought. It must be programmed in her DNA. She knew it was one of her least admirable character traits but she couldn't help it. Things got too tough so she bolted. With the virus separating her and Logan, White after her ass, Joshua not needing her anymore and the deep seeded fear she lived with everyday that her friends would one day get caught in the crossfire when someone came gunning for her, which she was sure they would, Max felt as though she were drowning.

Now here she was, free as could be (or so she told herself), moving from place to place, never staying too long, never forming any attachments and never leaving a trace of where she had been or where she was going behind. The last thing that she needed was for Logan or, God forbid, Alec to track her down, shake her resolve and drag her back to Seattle and back down to where she started. She needed to do this. It was the best thing for everybody including herself. With her away, everyone was safe. She was poison… Renfro had spoken those words to her and even back then, she had almost believed them. Now it was the mantra she repeated to herself to keep her going every time she felt like packing it up and going back home.

No, not home anymore. She had no home. She had the open road, the wind against her face and the whole world to discover. It was incredibly liberating… and incredibly lonely.

She turned from the depressing line that her thoughts were determined to take her on and tried to focus instead on her next course of action. She had been in New York for six weeks now. Too long for her liking but New York was a city you could easily get lost in and go unnoticed. She had overstayed her welcome though and now it was time to move on. Staring at the map in front of her Max used complex calculations, measurements and the exceptional navigational skills imbedded in her DNA to determine where to go next… in other words, she closed her eyes and randomly pointed at a spot on the map. Opening her eyes, she sighed as she saw where her finger landed. "Seattle." She said out loud. Her finger seemed to have a mind of its own because that was the thirteenth time in a row that it landed on that particular spot on the map. She even tried turning the page this way and that, upside down, right and left, and yet her finger always managed to land in exactly the same spot.

"Not happening." She sighed to herself, knowing that her mind had memorised the map and was subconsciously seeking Seattle out as, deep down, it was the one place she wanted to go the most. "Yeah, well, shake it off soldier. You can't go back there now. Zack was right, it was all just a sentimental lie." She cringed slightly. Wasn't talking to yourself one of the first signs of insanity? Sometimes she got so lonely she thought she was going to go crazy just like Ben did.

Ben… poor Ben… dead because of her, at her own hands. She couldn't save him and if it weren't for her and her unit's need to protect her, things would never have progressed as they did with him. He would still have rules and structure and a purpose in his life, as strange as that purpose may have been in Manticore. But Eva would still be alive, as would Tinga, and Zack would still be Zack, not the shell of a once amazing man as he was now. And what had she done? She'd sent him away because she couldn't deal. Didn't have the strength to try to fix things, to try to get him back. She had done the one thing he never did… she gave up. She gave up on him and every time she thought about it she wanted to punish herself for it, kill herself even. Self deprecation was another characteristic she was less than proud of. That was one of the consequences of spending so much time alone. It gave her the time to reflect, to look inwards and finally be honest with herself. It wasn't an easy thing and at first she had fought it tooth and nails, but in the end with no one else to talk to and nothing to distract her, she had done the one thing she couldn't do until now, she had got to know who she really was.

And she hadn't liked what she found.

How could someone hurt so many people that they loved and have been so selfish? When she thought of the things she had put Logan through during their last time together she felt two inches tall. And when she thought about how she had selfishly held him back and led him to believe that everything would work out between them she felt like a bitch. She should have let him go back when he was ready to let her go instead of dragging him through the drama and heartache.

She felt tears stinging her eyes and held them back. She didn't have the right to cry. Hopefully now, he had moved on without her. Maybe he was with Asha or another normal girl and was finally happy. Alec was right, Transgenics and Ordinaries didn't belong together.

Alec… god, where to begin there?

She felt sick thinking about how she had treated him. She had expected so much from him. She had forgotten what life was like before Logan, way back when she had first escaped Manticore. The world was such a different place to the constraints that lay inside of Manticore's walls. She remembered the world in those days. It was as though everything had been a pale shade of grey, but when she escaped and saw what existed beyond those walls it was as if the world had suddenly become technicolour. Everything looked different, exciting and terrifying all at once, and at first she didn't know how to deal. It wasn't in the curriculum back at Manticore. So she did what she had to do to survive. It was the only thing she knew how to do. She ran, hid, stole and protected herself the best way she knew how, the way she had been taught. She did many things she wasn't proud of in retrospect, but she had no other choice back then. And she had punished Alec for doing the exact same things.

When he first got out, yes, he made many mistakes. But he was learning. In a way he had become wiser, more in-tune with the ways of the world than she herself was even with her ten year head start. He still cracked jokes and acted like a jerk, not to say that that was necessarily a bad thing because nine times out of ten she enjoyed bantering with him or hearing him yap inanely about things she's sure even he doesn't remember… but something had shifted in him. It was like he woke up one morning and just got it and it happened about the same time she told him about Ben.

He had asked her, wanted to know about his genetic twin and so she told him. She told him everything. All the things that had been weighing down on her, and often still did, she bared to him that night and it was hard and easy all at the same time. Hard because they were memories she hated to revisit and easy because he made it that way. There was no judgement, no accusations or recriminations directed toward her, just simple understanding. She remembered how he had comforted her as she cried, how he had put his arms around her and rested his cheek against her head like the cat he partly is. In a way being accepted by Alec that night was like being forgiven for her transgression by her brother. It felt cleansing and gave her some relief knowing there was somebody she could open up to. It would never have been that uncomplicated telling Logan which is why she hadn't, and could never, tell him what happened in the woods that fateful day.

Afterwards they had sat together in silence, soaking in each other's nearness as comfort. And when she finally broke the silence she asked him about Rachael and he told her as simply as she had told him about Ben.

He had loved deeply and been burned badly. Rachael had taught him about tenderness, innocence, affection and love - everything that was the antithesis of Manticore and as a result, Manticore had made her - and Alec - pay the price. She hated Manticore even more than before for that, for letting him become exposed to that kind of warmth and then ripping it away from him so brutally. It was truly evil and she thanked whatever deity that may exist for giving her the opportunity to take those bastards out.

She stared back down at the map, her eyes drawn instantly to where they shouldn't go. She knew it was risky even though White had broadened his hunt to cities outside of Seattle since her departure, had even come close to finding her on a couple of occasions, but the need to go back was becoming overwhelming. The longer she thought about it, the more sure she was and the more determined she became. Not knowing what triggered it, whether it was intuition or a sixth sense, she made up her mind resolutely.

She was going home.

She planned it rationally as she hastily packed her things - in and out, stick to the shadows, make sure everything was okay and then when she was sure the coast was clear she would high tail it out of there and finally have peace of mind. She thought about every contingency she could think of as she threw her backpack over her shoulder and exited the motel. Straddling her bike and gunning the engine she smile confidently. It would be a piece of cake.

And no one would even know she was ever there.