Disclaimer: The only thing I own is a little pride and a little dignity, usually between the hours of 5:30pm and 8:30am… the rest of the time my boss owns my ass.
P.S (Also known as Author's Note!): I'm totally tanked right now so excuse this if it makes absolutely no sense!
In a modern culture
My friend you must be careful
They've a million ways to kill you
In this dangerous world
There's an art to growing old
Taking chances
Magic happens
One mistake's all it takes
And your life has come undone
Walk away cause you're breaking up the girl
It's a drag
I know it's hard
But you're tearing her apart
Walk away cause you're breaking up the girl
I am afraid that there's much to be afraid of
Here today and gone tomorrow
Don't end up in the gutter
Just like the one before
You're just the same
Such a loser
One mistake's all it takes
And your life has come undone
Walk away cause you're breaking up the girl
It's a drag
I know it's hard
But you're tearing her apart
Walk away cause you're breaking up the girl
You've go to let her go because you're breaking up
You're breaking up the girl
Breaking Up The Girl, Garbage
It surprised him how little and how much had changed over the last eight months. He still got up at the same time every morning, got himself ready for the day and was at his computer before most people were at work. The world was just as broken as it always was, if not more so, and there was plenty to do if you were an underground cyber journalist on a mission to fight the power, protect the downtrodden, blah, blah, woof, woof…
He smiled slightly at the memory of when he first heard those words. She had stood in his living room strong and sure of herself, beautiful if not slightly mischievous. Okay, maybe not slightly, more like a lot! They had been playing chess and she had kicked his ass… again. She had asked him to go with her to Crash and party but he had declined. She had made fun of his lack of ability to have fun and left with an ironic smile and a sway of her hips. She had been so young, carefree and… happy. Even with her background and the people after her she had always tried to make the most of what she could. Enjoying life, not denying herself the simple pleasures freedom offered her. It was so in contrast with himself that at first she had dismayed him immensely. How could somebody be so selfish as to only worry about having fun and shrug off all the bad things that happen in life when so many people were caught in the middle of it? Especially someone with the ability to change the way things were because they were designed that way. Back then he didn't get it… but he did now.
The first time he was without her for so long was after the night she had literally died in his arms. Afterwards, he couldn't move for days, didn't have the desire to. A part of him had died with her that night in the woods outside Manticore and he didn't know if he would ever be the same again. After awhile he tried to immerse himself in Eyes Only but couldn't bring himself to worry about other people when his Max had been taken away so callously. It created a force in him stronger than any other case he had ever worked on and the only thing he could think of, live for, day and night (he even dreamed about it) was taking down the sons of bitches who were the reason why he found it hard to breathe some days. It was an obsession that also had the misfortune of dragging some innocent people into the mix. The S1W, Asha mainly, became the scapegoats, the villains in the picture because he had asked for their help. And still, after everything that happened between them or because of him, Asha had stood by him or just quietly remained in the background, always there for him and never pushing even though he knew what it was she really wanted from him. He just couldn't give it to her though. Not then at least.
And then she came back from the dead and he had never felt as relieved and happy as he did that moment his eyes first fell on her as she stood in his living room. At first he thought he was seeing a ghost but that thought vanished as quickly as it had come. She looked so different wearing standard military fatigues, her hair long and unkept, her face tired and so much older than a mere three months before and an infinite sadness in her eyes that spoke so much more than words ever could about what she had been through during her time in Hell. It was nothing like the Max he had last known and that was before they even knew about the virus.
When he had collapsed in her arms he didn't know what was happening. The virus worked its way into his system so quickly he didn't have time to comprehend that he was sick at all. He thought he would die right then with her crying over him the way he had cried over her. It was ironic and it almost made him smile… almost.
Then he had come waltzing into his apartment like he owned it claiming that he was there to capture himself and Max and take them back to Manticore. He had failed though and Logan wondered to this day why Alec had made it so easy for her to get away. He had 10 more years of training than her and now that Logan knew about how close Manticore was to putting him down for the Berrisford fiasco, he couldn't fathom why he had let her take him.
He realised now that Alec couldn't bring himself to hurt Max at all even on the two occasions his life probably depended on it. It was because Alec was in love with her as far back as then even if he didn't realise it himself.
Max had that affect on men so he couldn't blame him though. Her own 'brother' Zack couldn't stay immune to her either. It was a simple fact so when Max told him she had been sleeping with Alec the only thought that he could comprehend was that it wasn't as surprising as he would have felt more comfortable with. Even Asha herself barely blinked when he told her, instead commenting on how Alec and Max were just learning how to handle relationships. How new the whole deal was to the both of them and how beautiful their children would be.
It was almost enough to make him sick.
As time went by though he realised that even though he still had faith in everything working out right between himself and Max that he was only really thinking of himself. Images of the way she had been before Manticore recaptured her surface in his mind regularly, continuously followed by the look of utter sadness and resignedness she wore most of the time now. Something had broken inside her and it made him feel like a real… dick. She had changed her entire consciousness and existence because of him and what had he really given her in return? Quid-pro-quo? How many times had she helped him with Eyes Only and how many times had he reciprocated? He thought that her wanting to live her life was selfish but he had been the selfish one all along.
Of course he cared about her deeply, loved her very much as a matter of fact. But she had put her life on hold for him, rearranging it to fit him and the cause he had instilled in her. Maybe she had it right all along and he was wasting his time trying to change things he had no control over while his real life disappeared before he had a chance to really experience it. She had been held down for half her life and he unwittingly took away the last vestige of true freedom she had.
He hadn't meant to.
He had said once that he wished he could get that first year he had known her back, how differently he would have done things, and he honestly would have. He would have let her go from the get go had he known then what he knew now, he loved her that much.
So when Alec had come to him telling him that Max had up and left he had been so confused. It hadn't made sense to him that she could just leave the people she cared so much for. That was one of her weaknesses, giving up everything for the one's she loved. Zack had called it a sentimental lie, a weakness that would get her killed, but Max called it the reason for living. Logan had thought Alec had become one of those weaknesses until said weakness had come breezing into his apartment unannounced that day proclaiming that Max had gone for good… It hadn't been hard for Logan to put the pieces of the puzzles together.
Max had lied to him. The worst part was though, he had believed it. Whenever he thought about how easy it was for him to believe it, it made him feel slightly queasy. Max and Alec made a good pair even with all the fighting and bitching which is why it wasn't hard for him to let her go in the first place.
Well, she was definitely gone now. And after everything that had happened, maybe it was for the best.
The soft beep of his computer knocked him out of his silent reverie. He sighed and looked over at the screen, a new email message popping up on his screen. Putting his glasses on he leaned over to get a better look and as he read it his eyes narrowed before a frown marred his face. It was from an unrecognised person but as he delved further he discovered it had been sent by a former Manticore doctor he had tried to get in contact with months before as a lead to a possible cure for the virus. But when he hadn't heard anything back, he figured the doctor had either been killed off by White and his cronies or had simply disappeared like most of the Manticore employees had. Once he had finished reading it he found that he had to read it once more to make sure what he was seeing was real… and apparently it was. The doc was willing and able to cure the virus. For a fee, of course.
And it didn't even matter anymore.
He felt like laughing and punching something all at once. His life was one big joke. After all the time and energy and money he had put into his search when he was fuelled by hope and determination and love, not until after the very reason for his desire had gone as swiftly as the wind, had he received anything as substantial as this... even though it would apparently cost him a small fortune.
And it didn't even fucking matter.
Laughing bitterly, he moved the cursor to the delete icon but as he willed himself to press down he found himself frozen on the spot. Thoughts warred with each other in his head as he sat absolutely still, intensely staring at the screen as though it would give him the answers he was searching for. What if she was in trouble one day and sought his help? What if they by utter coincidence bumped into each other someday, somewhere?
But one thought held dominance over all the rest.
What if she came back?
After considerable deliberation, he gave one final sigh as he made his choice. Clicking his mouse decidedly, he closed his eyes and prayed that he had made the right choice.