McGonagall stared at him in abject horror. Due to policy, the new head of Gryffindor House couldn't be hired from within. No one had the guts to stand up for the task except him, anyway. Whoever became the next Head would have to be prepared to face He Who Must Not Be Named head on. Of the six applicants, not one of them was brave enough- all except this foreigner, who was now humping a poor Hufflepuff first-year.
"Mr. Gay, please show some discretion. This is a school, not a sex club"
"SAY SAY SAY!" He ran up and began lightly thrusting his hips in McGonagall's general direction.
It was going to be a long year.
The Sorting ceremony was rather solemn. Dumbledore was dead. Truant officers threw the bewildered Harry back into Gryffindor tower. Ginny was in the hospital that day, getting tested for syphilis. Snape was there only because Wizarding Crime Scene Investigator Grill Gissom determined that it wasn't he who killed Dumbledore, it was truly the Goblin King's regal mullet. The new Gryffindor Head dashed up to Snape.
"HAAAAADO GAY DEEEEEEEESSSSSU"
Snape cleared his throat. "I'm terribly sorry, but I do not speak Moon."
Apparently the new Gryffindor head was a famous man, so Hogwarts received exactly 1,237 transfer applications, despite the fact that they don't do transfers. Most of them were written in Moon and thus illegible. The rest were obviously done by really nerdy Americans. McGonagall decided that since they already had one war on their hands, it was best not to deal with them. She threw the applications into the fireplace, but just then, Hard Gay humped his way in the room and rescued them, dashing out.
They had 54 new students. Professor Gay built them a new dormitory next to the Forbidden Forest, where they could go drinking at night as long as they didn't bother the Centaurs. It was called Seminar House.
Ginny Weasely was infected with every STD discovered in humans and perhaps a few that weren't. While she was lightly sleeping, she heard an irregular gait and a gravelly voice. "This is the second biggest slut I've ever seen"
Someone sighed from across the room. "Shut up, House."
Months passed and the parents were beginning to complain. Hard Gay ran about in short pants and black cowboy boots, humping everything in the near vicinity. However, it came time for Snape's trial as though the WCSIs proved he couldn't have been at fault. Magical people around the world purchased TVs to watch the trial. McGonagall hired the best lawyer she could find for Snape's defense.
The camera zoomed in on Severus' regal Rickmanesque shnozz. "Severus Snape, you are on trial for premeditated murder in the first degree"
"OBJECTION!" cried the spikey haired lawyer. The camera focused on him.
"Yes, Phoenix Wright?" asked the judge.
"...she said she was eighteen."
Rufus Shinra looked over at the castle, stroking his chin. Soon, his plan would be complete. He'd build a great reactor on its ruins that would suck out the lifegiving energy of the Planet. He'd use it to create supersexy bishounen with flowing silver locks. Everyone would be too busy having sex with their very own Sephiroth Clones to dare to raise a word against him. He turned to glance at his Turks. Soon, they would be able to start.
THEN ROCKS FELL AND EVERYBODY DIED.